Reboot is very hard, but is it harder than the life you live with porn addiction?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ss ss, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. ss ss

    ss ss Fapstronaut

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    Eighth day of Nofap. I wrote this following post to let my fellow fapstronauts know that, if they are feeling this way, they are not alone.

    Sad, lonely, angry, depressed, anxious, feeling ugly, unconfident, broken, worthless, like a failure, or any word for that matter that can describe the fucked up feeling inside me. The darkness that keeps on giving even when you pray for relief, the fountain of sadness that never seems to dry up even when you beg for mercy.

    Here I am 24 years old, jobless, not in shape, without any proper skills, was never in a normal relationship, never kissed a girl much less experience the beauty of lovemaking. In short, feeling like shit.

    Life seems so unfair, hopeless and confusing. You try to tell yourself that all this is due to destiny, that you’re responsible for the current predicament you are in right now, but that doesn’t take the sadness away, does it? It only makes you want to lie down and cry your hearts out asking god to take you out of this ugly mess and introduce to a happier life. You plead him for strength to handle life, to show you some mercy and make you “normal”.

    But nothing happens. Then you try to think about how it is a process, how conditions will improve, how there is a dawn after every dusk. You try telling that to yourself for hours, days, weeks, months and years. Nothing happens. You still try telling yourself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, you sit down with hundreds of people around you but feeling utterly lonely inside you.

    You try to escape the feeling, you try everything, you try to listen to sad songs, comedy videos, you try watching, listening and reading everything on the internet, you try to talk to friends, but the hole inside never really gets filled. It feels like there is a hole to the hole inside me. How else can everything you do to fill it go in vain?

    You look around you. You think, is this how everyone of these people feel? Doesn’t feel that way, they seem happy with their lives, partners, ‘phones’ and with themselves. You feel happy for them. You feel happy that all of them don’t have to feel this torturous feeling inside, feeling like you are ostracized, like you are an outcast and like you are letting everyone down. It makes you feel happy for them, it’s fucked up enough that you are damned to face this, at least let them be happy, at least let them feel good, at least let them live life “normally”.

    What about me? I am sorry, I have to go away now to greet rockbottom, The only apparent true companion for the last few years. It’s time I meet my pal for the last few years: darkness, at the rock bottom.

    “Hello darkness my old friend, I have come to talk with you again……..”

    PS: I still hope God at least now will drag me out of this. I do have hope somewhere deep inside that all this is only to make me stronger and happier. I still hope I can one day tell others that it is true indeed that tough times don’t last forever but tough people do. I hope I am right. Somewhere within the depths of my heart, I know I am right and that is good enough for me to get strength to transform my life.
     
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  2. VeganRights

    VeganRights Fapstronaut

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    I know what you mean man... i hope your situation improves, and i do believe things can get better over time, with effort and understanding.
    Dont be too hard on yourself, be kind to yourself, and do the things which you know in your heart are the right things
     
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  3. MovingOnFromThePast

    MovingOnFromThePast Fapstronaut

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    Two years ago on this very date. I had to tell the truth. That truth caused my 5 year relationship to end. She eventually left me nine months later. Shame, guilt and regret is what I live with. Never learn a lesson with regret. I cried when I woke up, I cried in the shower, and I cried before I went to sleep. I would cry 5 days out of the week for at least 9 months straight. I do not over exaggerate about me crying alot because it is the sad truth. It felt like someone died. Its been over a year since she left and I still cry but not as often as before. I only went out 5-6 times to socialize out of the whole year. I stayed in my room everyday like it was prison. Dreading about the past, over and over . A nightmare that wouldn't end.


    Suicide was on my mind for months. I just couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop replaying every bad moment. Porn and games was the only time where I didn't have to think about anything. Everyday I would play games, watch porn, and cry. I was a living zombie. Two years of true depression is something where I wouldn't want anyone to have.

    I hit a breaking point in my life. I no longer want to dread about the past, in order for me to stop thinking about the past is to stop PMO . I no longer live in a fantasy because in reality, we live in the moment, and what we do in that moment will affect our future. Make a bad decision now better expect another bad decision later. Talk negative to yourself now best believe you'll say it again later.

    You and I and everyone else live this life in this world. There's nothing wrong with the world but we choose to make it a cold world. There's nothing wrong with my computer but I made poor decisions on my computer. Everyday is a new day and literally anything can happen. I might just sin the next day, who knows, but if i do I will remember about my shameful past and once I come to my senses (after you pmo) that depression will come quickly. It's so painful that im willing to give up anything to not feel that pain again.


    Someone on NOFAP asked today , " what do you desire?"

    My desire is to not feel that shame.
     
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  4. ramboeea

    ramboeea Fapstronaut

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    i was like you exactly 5 months ago... the main problem is overthinking and comparing.
    believe me when you start to think about only yourself and doesn't compare with anybody else. you will feel better.
    start with little things to accomplish... do some exercises, go out , try to make new friends, visit your family members.
    try to find any job for now, get some online courses. this all will help.
     
    ss ss likes this.
  5. ss ss

    ss ss Fapstronaut

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    Thank for your comment man. I too feel that maybe the key is in changing the lifestyle and thinking pattern. Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate it.
     
    ramboeea likes this.
  6. ss ss

    ss ss Fapstronaut

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    I exactly know how you feel man! But, I am very sure that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. I think of all these hardships as workouts for the mind. When we workout, we endure pain and discomfort, but going through that makes our body strong and powerful. I believe it is the same with sadness and depression. They are hard, but they have potential to make your mind strong and powerful, just the way workouts for the body do. Also, I have attended therapy and that helped me a lot. Like @VeganRights and @ramboeea commented, the key is to not be too hard on ourselves, be as good as we can be to ourselves and others, and importantly have faith and hope. I wish you the very best man! May god bless you!
     
    ramboeea likes this.
  7. ss ss

    ss ss Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your encouragement man! Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it.
     
    VeganRights likes this.
  8. ramboeea

    ramboeea Fapstronaut

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    you are welcome... we are all in this together.
     
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  9. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of (young) people have similar stories. I was in a similar situation when I was 24. These are some solutions I've learned over the years (I'm now 37):
    • stop the endless cycle of thinking, overthinking and then some more thinking: this will get you nowhere since you've wired your brain to think yourself into depression; your thinking brain is your greatest enemy
    • did I mention to stop overthinking? o yes, right, I did... well, just making sure you got that
    • take small steps: decide to go outside and walk 5 kilometers (or something like that), and try and feel good about yourself when you did
      (instead of thinking: 'There are people that can run a full marathon, this 5 km I just walked is meaningless'; just don't think like that ok :p)
    • read about mindfulness/meditation and practice it
    • definitely read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, it will give you a fine understanding of what is wrong with you (and many others)
    • and STOP OVERTHINKING (in case you already forgot)
    • realize that you are still very young: you have about 56 years left to make something of your life, that's plenty
    • What mindfulness and the book of Eckhart Tolle will (try) to make you clear is that you create this image of yourself, thinking - I am not x, I can't do y, I suck at z - and as a consequence you make it reality (it's called the self fulfilling prophecy); your life will be much easier if you learn to stop doing that
    Something like that :)

    Oh, and one more thing: assuming that a god exists, he will not drag you out of this. He's more of a non-interventionist god I'm afraid, leaving people with a free will (otherwise there wouldn't be so much suffering in the world).
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2018
    VeganRights likes this.
  10. ss ss

    ss ss Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the time you have taken out to post the comment. Overthinking has indeed been a big problem. And, yeah, you're right that God helps those who help themselves. :)
    Thank you for your wise words. They will be useful to me and I appreciate it.
     
    VeganRights likes this.

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