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Reboot while GF is not around

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 99 days streak, Jul 7, 2021.

  1. 99 days streak

    99 days streak Fapstronaut

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    Hi everybody,
    My gf and I are separated since last year, she continues her study abroad and I am staying home. Without her, I do PMO a lot and soon after I realized the bad effects, I decided to quit it.

    The problem is my urge is really strong. Sometimes I have a terrible idea to release the urge in a brothel but I haven't done it because I keep thinking about her, she doesn't deserve it. However, I also think she might betray me to love someone else when I am not with her. I am under a lot of stress in this relationship. How can I deal with this situation? Should I break up with her to love another girl? She did nothing wrong and still care about me every day and call me before sleeping. I feel like I am totally a douchebag but I can't get rid of the negative feeling. Please help, I need your advice, I am so desperate right now!

    Thanks.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  2. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    Urges will be there, you don't have to act on them. I repeat, urges. will. be. there. But, you DON'T have to act on them. Let them come and sit your self down without any screens in front of your face, and let them go. Make this your practice everyday, everytime.

    This is a fantasy, which is based on what you are doing, not what she is doing. You have put yourself in a bad place by PMOing. She didn't make you PMO. Who brings about the stress? Does she scold you all the time? Does she question you all the time? Does she treat you poorly? Or, do you feel that you can't handle yourself in the relationship? Based on what you described about her it is probably that you feel guilty and shameful. This makes you think that she will do something. This is not the truth, this is not a reality. You don't know what she will do. You need to make a choice, take responsibility for what you do everyday and for what you do to her everyday, or remain in ignorance.

    Well, the first thing is stay away from porn. Stay away from porn! If you find this difficult then stay away from electronics, especially when you are by yourself and especially during times when you would do the dirty. It is really that simple. Where it may seem complex is when urges come. Again, let them come but don't act on them. Let it flower and wither all on its own.

    Second, don't look at women as a commodity, they are not. They are a full life and they are not there for your taking. Stop this mentality. You don't just drop someone off and go find another one like they are some inanimate object without feelings and emotions. They are not some ride at an amusement park. This mentality will feed your addiction and it will take away from your growth (general mental growth).

    If you see her (or anyone else for that matter) as someone to extract something out of for your own desires then by all means don't even be in a relationship with anyone, it will not be fair to the other person. You will only hurt them, and in doing so, you will hurt yourself.

    P brain is not logical. Stay away from P for a duration. Listen to people whom have been recovery for extended periods of time (more than half a year, at least). The longer you avoid P the more you'll be able to see what it has done to your life. The longer you stay away the more you will be able to see why you fell into it in the first place. Be willing to grow. You're not an addict, you have an addiction.

    If I may seem harsh, that isn't my intention to be so. I have not called you any names, I have not belittled you, nor have I attempted to in any way. You need to see right away what it takes to be on a relationship. It takes commitment and compromise. All your actions are derived from how you feel. If you feel guilty and shameful you will start to conjure up all kinds of things to get yourself out of that mindset, but they will fail. On the other hand, if you make yourself joyful and willing to live for another person you will start to embody that.
     
  3. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Good for you. I mean it sucks you're separated, but you found you had a problem and are taking steps to address it, that's good.

    We know. Every guy here knows exactly how strong it is.

    I see how you'd consider that. A lot of guys around the NoFap community would, given the opportunity.
    Again, good for you. I think a lot of people, jilted SOs in particular, might not be impressed but I think it shows something of your character. Many men and some women wouldn't hesitate to cheat in your position, so I don't think it's fair to take your morality for granted.
    That's normal, and I don't think that has much, if anything, to do with your addiction. Anxiety over the potential for a wandering mate goes with the territory in a long distance relationship. She might be worried about the same from you. You haven't acted in that way, though, and she probably hasn't either.
    You could break up with her, even though she didn't do anything wrong. That's something people in long distance relationships sometimes do. I wouldn't, though, not to love another girl. You're still addicted. We call it a porn addiction, but it's a complex bundle of factors including porn, but also orgasm on demand. That's the thing you're craving right now, that's what you think having your girlfriend close by will solve, and that won't help your addiction. Take it from me and dozens, if not hundreds of other addicted guys in relationships; you just end up selfishly using your significant other (SO) like you selfishly used porn, it destroys the relationship, it wrecks her psychologically and it's a worse mess than abstaining from sex and kicking the addiction.

    The big question is, does she know you've been using/abusing porn, and does she know you are trying to quit? Most men believe their porn use is a private matter, and most women vehemently disagree. Objectively speaking, I believe the women are right in this case because your porn use does impact the entire relationship in a negative way, more than men appreciate. Men are less attentive and more selfish when they routinely use porn, and many women regard it as no different than going to a brothel or having an affair. It's her right to know, and your responsibility to tell her. Once she does know, she can make a decision as to whether or not she wants to keep the relationship. If she does, you will have a strong ally in helping in your recovery. If not, it's still better than lying to your SO. You'll still have the opportunity to recover from your addiction, and be a better man in the next relationship you form.

    I'm sorry, your position looks very bleak right now. It's better, however, to make an honest assessment of exactly where you are, rather than hold out hope that you can keep lying or hiding your problem, or find some way to keep both porn and your girlfriend in your life.
     
    DefendMyHeart likes this.

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