Rebooting and anger

Orgone5

Orgone5

Fapstronaut
Hi guys, I'm 37, I have a satisfying sex life but nonetheless I'm addicted to masturbation (not to porn, I occasionally use it but I can live without it with no problems).

Normally, I masturbate every day, often twice a day. I have always known that compulsive masturbation is a way for me to quench anxiety and keep me detatched from feelings that I can't or don't want to feel, but I never got serious about stopping the addiction and start feeling those feelings in my body.

Now I decided to do it and I'm on day 5 without masturbating. Days 1 and 2 were ok (I occasionally did abstain for 2 days in the past), on day 3 I wanted to orgasm and ejaculate so bad but was able to overcome the urge, and on day 4, yesterday, something happened: I started feeling so much anger for everybody and everything, and especially my intimate relationships (I use the plural as I am separated from my wife and I am I've been seing a new woman). Contextually, I could feel my energy levels change gear, and I am sensibly more concentrated, more productive and more present in the moment. The urge to orgasm is still there, very strong, comes and goes in waves, and is difficult to manage, but this anger is even more difficult as it does cloud my mind.

This could be due to the fact that my testosterone levels are going up or the fact that I finally did get in touch with those feelings. As I said I've always known that masturbation was a way for me not to feel my masculine power with all the problematic consequences this can bear (obviously this comes from my family history). So I'm kind of happy to having started a journey to recover that missing parts of my identity. But at the same time I don't want to become yet another toxic male controlled by his hormones, and most of all I don't want to ruin my relationship with this new person I'm seeing (in these last few days we've been fighting a lot).

So my question to the forum is, did you guys experience something similar? Like, anger and aggressiveness levels skyrocketing in the first days of abstinence? If yes, how did you deal with it? And do things get better over time?
 
Orgone5 said:
Hi guys, I'm 37, I have a satisfying sex life but nonetheless I'm addicted to masturbation (not to porn, I occasionally use it but I can live without it with no problems).

Normally, I masturbate every day, often twice a day. I have always known that compulsive masturbation is a way for me to quench anxiety and keep me detatched from feelings that I can't or don't want to feel, but I never got serious about stopping the addiction and start feeling those feelings in my body.

Now I decided to do it and I'm on day 5 without masturbating. Days 1 and 2 were ok (I occasionally did abstain for 2 days in the past), on day 3 I wanted to orgasm and ejaculate so bad but was able to overcome the urge, and on day 4, yesterday, something happened: I started feeling so much anger for everybody and everything, and especially my intimate relationships (I use the plural as I am separated from my wife and I am I've been seing a new woman). Contextually, I could feel my energy levels change gear, and I am sensibly more concentrated, more productive and more present in the moment. The urge to orgasm is still there, very strong, comes and goes in waves, and is difficult to manage, but this anger is even more difficult as it does cloud my mind.

This could be due to the fact that my testosterone levels are going up or the fact that I finally did get in touch with those feelings. As I said I've always known that masturbation was a way for me not to feel my masculine power with all the problematic consequences this can bear (obviously this comes from my family history). So I'm kind of happy to having started a journey to recover that missing parts of my identity. But at the same time I don't want to become yet another toxic male controlled by his hormones, and most of all I don't want to ruin my relationship with this new person I'm seeing (in these last few days we've been fighting a lot).

So my question to the forum is, did you guys experience something similar? Like, anger and aggressiveness levels skyrocketing in the first days of abstinence? If yes, how did you deal with it? And do things get better over time?
Click to expand...
Can I start by saying that I think this is a great post.

Unfortunately there is no easy way to deal with these emotions. I have been dealing with the same issue, and have found that being open and honest with those close to me helps. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'I am currently going through a difficult period' or apologising and saying that you have had a tough week for example. However I think the point to understand most is that these are repressed feelings that are coming up to be processed.

Please note that the anger is not hormonal. This is the mistake that we often make within the community. An increase in testosterone or decrease in dopamine is not responsible for these emotions. It works the other way around, the anger has a direct effect on your hormone levels and causes them to fluctuate and not the other way around. As time passes the anger will become more and more manageable. It is very likely the result of repressed emotions due to PMO. It is a process that can take time.
 
mentorr said:
Can I start by saying that I think this is a great post.

Unfortunately there is no easy way to deal with these emotions. I have been dealing with the same issue, and have found that being open and honest with those close to me helps. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'I am currently going through a difficult period' or apologising and saying that you have had a tough week for example. However I think the point to understand most is that these are repressed feelings that are coming up to be processed.

Please note that the anger is not hormonal. This is the mistake that we often make within the community. An increase in testosterone or decrease in dopamine is not responsible for these emotions. It works the other way around, the anger has a direct effect on your hormone levels and causes them to fluctuate and not the other way around. As time passes the anger will become more and more manageable. It is very likely the result of repressed emotions due to PMO. It is a process that can take time.
Click to expand...

Many thanks. Deep down I think you are right and it's probably why abstinence from masturbation is inevitablily part of a larger spiritual journey, or a jurney of self discovery, and ultimately why it's so difficult to resist the temptation. Thanks for clarifying about the relationship between hormones and emotions, it's helpful (if harder because it means that there are no easy solutions).

In the spirit of honesty and transparency I have to say that I fell off the wagon at the end of day 5, probably because these repressed emotions were too much to handle. I imagine that this journey is a bit like meditation, you have to accept that you keep failing and begin again each time.
 
I am your same age and had the same sort of problem. Recovery helped me unleash a side of me that I never experienced before and this reset my relationships because some people weren’t comfortable with that side of me being expressed.

Anger was a reason for my addiction as I never learned to express my anger in a healthy way, so I held it inside and blasted it away with dopamine via PMO. That doesn’t really get rid of the anger though. Anger is like a traveling companion who you can’t put in the trunk nor the driver’s seat.

When I started recovery, I found my anger coming out in weird ways like uncontrollable crying while working out. This was scary but the repressed anger has a limit. It runs out after a time (for me it was weeks, really I had a huge amount of repressed anger).

Anger doesn’t mean you’re a toxic male, that’s just one of those stupid pseudoscientific ideas people share on the internet that’s easily refuted. It’s not because of your testosterone increasing, because women get angry just like men. Anger is a signal that something is wrong. You need to hear the signal and respond to it WISELY. Again, don’t put it in the trunk and don’t let it drive the car…
 
tawwab1 said:
I am your same age and had the same sort of problem. Recovery helped me unleash a side of me that I never experienced before and this reset my relationships because some people weren’t comfortable with that side of me being expressed.

Anger was a reason for my addiction as I never learned to express my anger in a healthy way, so I held it inside and blasted it away with dopamine via PMO. That doesn’t really get rid of the anger though. Anger is like a traveling companion who you can’t put in the trunk nor the driver’s seat.

When I started recovery, I found my anger coming out in weird ways like uncontrollable crying while working out. This was scary but the repressed anger has a limit. It runs out after a time (for me it was weeks, really I had a huge amount of repressed anger).

Anger doesn’t mean you’re a toxic male, that’s just one of those stupid pseudoscientific ideas people share on the internet that’s easily refuted. It’s not because of your testosterone increasing, because women get angry just like men. Anger is a signal that something is wrong. You need to hear the signal and respond to it WISELY. Again, don’t put it in the trunk and don’t let it drive the car…
Click to expand...

Thanks man, this is valuable feedback. I know this goes slightly OT but getting in touch and expressing anger in a healthy way isn't easy for men, especially nowadays. In my family this was suppressed a lot and most women fear it, or resent it, or reject it – in any case they make you feel guilty about it.

I know that anger isn't wrong (I mean, I know it rationally, at least), what I meant is that I don't want to take it out on people that don't really deserve it. But in general I hear your point about people not accepting the 'new you' anymore, something similar has happened with my wife and I wasn't into a no masturbation journey at that time either.

I guess you have to be ready to lose what you have and start again (really reboot your life).
 
You don’t have to fear your own anger, dude. It’s yours to control, you own it. It’s just there to tell you you need to change something, but when and how you change it is up to you. I don’t regret anything.
 
Yeah, it's not easy though. Like any othe repressed emotion, when it bursts out you don't really "control" it, and there is some hard work to do to fully "own" it. I guess the lesson here for me is that NoFap means much more than just abstianing from masturbation: it's really a reconfiguration of the brain, of your social relationships, of your masculinity. It's a way to "man up" in a much broader sense.

I like the closure of your message, I have so many regrets and now that I am in my late 30s I want a future without regrets. Failures yes, that's unavoidable, but no regrets.
 
Hi @Orgone5, very good topic.

I think anger is one of the first emotions that surface when starting to abstain. And it is always there with you but, under PMO it's always damped and easy ignored. Under PMO we do or accept many things that we wouldn't if we were just a bit rational. I am thinking social and work interactions.

Once you start abstaining, most of this BS hits you in the face like a wall, and this triggers the first wave of anger. All the stupid power struggles at work or the endless chores or the stupid banking system.

The second wave of anger is the realisation of what caused you to go to porn in the first place. For me for instance, the lack of parental love, lack of moral guidance and the emotional absence of my parents caused me to be socialy akward and I never developed the skills to relate to people. Porn was an easy escape.

All this (each has its own) keeps you on the edge, but it is a lot healthier to deal with the problems instead of hiding them under the carpet and go feel good with porn. And working on the problem will make you feel better, some days will feel good as you make progress, some bad because you realise you still have work to do.

But we are not children any more. We know better. We have knowledge and support. We only need to put in the work.

Good luck.
 
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Orgone5 said:
Hi guys, I'm 37, I have a satisfying sex life but nonetheless I'm addicted to masturbation (not to porn, I occasionally use it but I can live without it with no problems).

Normally, I masturbate every day, often twice a day. I have always known that compulsive masturbation is a way for me to quench anxiety and keep me detatched from feelings that I can't or don't want to feel, but I never got serious about stopping the addiction and start feeling those feelings in my body.

Now I decided to do it and I'm on day 5 without masturbating. Days 1 and 2 were ok (I occasionally did abstain for 2 days in the past), on day 3 I wanted to orgasm and ejaculate so bad but was able to overcome the urge, and on day 4, yesterday, something happened: I started feeling so much anger for everybody and everything, and especially my intimate relationships (I use the plural as I am separated from my wife and I am I've been seing a new woman). Contextually, I could feel my energy levels change gear, and I am sensibly more concentrated, more productive and more present in the moment. The urge to orgasm is still there, very strong, comes and goes in waves, and is difficult to manage, but this anger is even more difficult as it does cloud my mind.

This could be due to the fact that my testosterone levels are going up or the fact that I finally did get in touch with those feelings. As I said I've always known that masturbation was a way for me not to feel my masculine power with all the problematic consequences this can bear (obviously this comes from my family history). So I'm kind of happy to having started a journey to recover that missing parts of my identity. But at the same time I don't want to become yet another toxic male controlled by his hormones, and most of all I don't want to ruin my relationship with this new person I'm seeing (in these last few days we've been fighting a lot).

So my question to the forum is, did you guys experience something similar? Like, anger and aggressiveness levels skyrocketing in the first days of abstinence? If yes, how did you deal with it? And do things get better over time?
Click to expand...
It’s been said that the deepest anger we have is anger at ourselves. Try reflecting on that for a while. Then you could try checking out Scott Jeffrey’s “repressed emotions” article on his website. It has some PRACTICAL exercises too.
Good luck!
 
Hi @JB39 and @Icewarrior, thanks for sharing your experiences and your thoughts. I certainly agree that the moment you start really feeling how shitty the world we live in you do get angry, and I do find sometimes difficult to disentangle private and political, or, as Icewarrior says, self-directed anger and anger directed outside (towards people and situations that may o may not deserve it).

@Icewarrior a couple of days ago I did save Scott Jeffrey's "repressed emptions" on a Google Doc file with the intention of reading it thoroughly when I have time. I do practice mindfulness and I found the exercises you listed in your post very useful to help during the rebooting -- many thanks for sharing them!

I just want to share this little thing that may be nothing or may be something but perhaps can help other users dealing with the same problem. As I said previously I abstained for 5 days, then the emotion was too strong, I gave in, and now I'm on day 4 again.

And the interesting thing is, that I don't perceive this feeling (which is exactly the same feeling) as anger anymore. Or better, the anger is still there, but not as strong as it was last week, although I'm sure that it will come back maybe in a week maybe in two hours. But this same body feeling that made me rageful only a week ago, I am experienceing it today as a deep, deep sense of peace. I actually noticed that if I breathe in that body feeling, which is located predictably somewhere between my pelvis/genital area and the lower part of my belly, my breath deepens and I feel this low, positive vibration.

Now as I said this is probably going to last 2 hours and then I'm will tell my manager to f**k off or get mad at the cat for no reason, but this does make me see how things are connected, and that what's rageful is also peaceful, and vice versa.
 
Orgone5 said:
Hi @JB39 and @Icewarrior, thanks for sharing your experiences and your thoughts. I certainly agree that the moment you start really feeling how shitty the world we live in you do get angry, and I do find sometimes difficult to disentangle private and political, or, as Icewarrior says, self-directed anger and anger directed outside (towards people and situations that may o may not deserve it).

@Icewarrior a couple of days ago I did save Scott Jeffrey's "repressed emptions" on a Google Doc file with the intention of reading it thoroughly when I have time. I do practice mindfulness and I found the exercises you listed in your post very useful to help during the rebooting -- many thanks for sharing them!

I just want to share this little thing that may be nothing or may be something but perhaps can help other users dealing with the same problem. As I said previously I abstained for 5 days, then the emotion was too strong, I gave in, and now I'm on day 4 again.

And the interesting thing is, that I don't perceive this feeling (which is exactly the same feeling) as anger anymore. Or better, the anger is still there, but not as strong as it was last week, although I'm sure that it will come back maybe in a week maybe in two hours. But this same body feeling that made me rageful only a week ago, I am experienceing it today as a deep, deep sense of peace. I actually noticed that if I breathe in that body feeling, which is located predictably somewhere between my pelvis/genital area and the lower part of my belly, my breath deepens and I feel this low, positive vibration.

Now as I said this is probably going to last 2 hours and then I'm will tell my manager to f**k off or get mad at the cat for no reason, but this does make me see how things are connected, and that what's rageful is also peaceful, and vice versa.
Click to expand...
When I became aware of how I’d been living and (some) of the causes, and the negative effects that had on my life and the lives of people I supposedly “loved “ I was filled with self-hatred. It was visceral! I’d built my own cage.
The good news is there are ways out. What has been built can be demolished.
 
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