Rebooting Day 20- Hit hard by reality

I have been trying to quit Porn for a few months and been able to reach around 4 weeks, and then relapse hard for a day. Now I am on day 20, This time have also stopped alcohol, drugs, smoking, everything that enables me to escape anxiety.
I work out a lot, I eat healthy, I read so many self improvement books and yesterday I was hit hard by reality of what my underlying problem is.

I always thought my problem was approaching girl and had a fear for that, but I realized it is deeper. Yesterday I was to approach a Super Yacht moored in the city to ring the bell and handover my CV, I know the industry well and was with 2 friends who thought it would be so cool to see me to that.

So it was my idea, I said I wanted to do it and felt confident, it felt like all the girls were watching me that evening (of course didn’t approach to get that image shattered) when I actually got there to the Yacht with CV, printed from a next door bookshop, anxiety hit me. I made a million excuses not to. I displayed in my head negative thoughts of how it could go bad, I felt sweat, panic, warm and waited for someone to go on deck instead of ringing the bell. No one came and I didn’t handover my CV. As we went on hitting bars and walking my mood totally changed and I felt useless and understood I have gotten nowhere ! People were dancing tango on the street, we stopped and anxiety hit me again “what if I have to do that , I can’t”. I felt shit rest of the evening and couldn’t break state.

I realized I am dead scared and terrified of rejection in all forms. I have created an image and self belief of myself of how I am the greatest, most handsome, intelligent guy that everybody wants an likes, that I am to good for the rest for 10 years. Now I am dead scared of testing this Image of myself and would avoid any situation where this image can get shattered. ( Applying for a job, approaching a girl, starting a conversation with a stranger, especially if this is witnessed by other people or my friends) I am dead scared of myself and the world finding out I am not that perfect guy. I have maintained this image with help of alcohol, Cocaine , Porn etc.

I have read everything about rejection, NLP, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, mindfulness, Dalai Lama etc, I thought I gotten so far, but understood no book can help me overcome this problem but getting hit and experiencing reality.

I do not know how to start approach, risk rejection and failure. I know I should Andy it is all good, but when I am about to do it, when that anxiety hits, when my brain starts making excuses, when my mindset Change and fysiology telling me to run away and just wont take the final step.

I am trying to think of this as a step forward an experience but how do I take the next steps in facing this cause it is so damn hard and I am so scared of it.