Rebooting during depression.

[Bianconiglio]

Yesterday i took the "Beck Depression Inventory". It is a self-rating test for depression consisting in 21 items which ask you to evaluate your state of being, thoughts and emotions which occured during the past two weeks. I scored 33, which is in the spectrum of "Severe depression". Even if it wasn't a surprise i broke down and cryed, thinking about how pathetic was my superpower to fuck my life up. 4 months ago my girlfriend dumped me: i was severely neglecting her, i always thought i wasn't that into her even if she was stunningly beautiful and sweet (she recived compliments everywere she went) but looking back i don't know exactly why did i behaved that way; yes i was unexperienced (she was my first love) and i grew up in a loveless enviroment (i never saw my parents kiss each other) but this is not enough to justify my cold and distant behaviour. The last 3 moths i was completely cought up why university, i always had difficulties studying (never did in my life) so i became obsessed with that; i had to plan a daily routine of 9 hours space for studying only to get 3-4 hours of pure work... nedless to say that she wasn't part of my daily program. I didn't saw her pain, even when she was crying in my bed i stood still, cold, emotionless. I did't even took the time to hug her, while she always took a 2 hours train to get to my place, begging me to see her and to stay an hour longer when i was basically kicking her out the morning after. During the relationship i was her god, a sweet and rock solid man. I knew how to read her mind, to make her laugh and how to make her orgasm at will (the past relationship she had she could count the times she came on the fingers of her hands, she is only 20 but she had a 3 year relationship before me and some lesser stuff). She said (to her friends, never to me) that she never felt this much love for a person in his life. I think this is part of what led to the breakup, i felt as a god and that she wasn't going to leave me ever. Looking back she left a monster, it wasn't me no more; i dropped boxing and i went down 63kgs (from 72); i was a skinny, angry, uncaring dude with a disgusted look on my face when i was interacting with her. When i saw the damage i've done (the exact day she broke up with me) my whole identity shattered and here i am, trying to figure out the past to work on the present, in order to make a better future. I stopped smoking weed, i'm taking cold showers and i bought a shitload of books to understand relationships and why i behaved this way in order to become a better person and not to harm anyone else in the future, but deep down i know i'm preparing myself for the unlikely possibility of her to come back. We went back and forth for the first months and an half after the breakup, but i was to needy and i wans't able to re-attract her, then she started seeing someone else. These past 4 months i masturbated obsessively, someday 3 to 6 times a day. I didn't used porn because just the thought of her was the most powerful thing, my mind replays the best memories from the honeymoon period, this time filled with my present emotions and boosted from the lack of getting laid; every kiss we exchanged is revisited with an "emotions filling photoshop", now i'm obsessed with her and the biggest trigger is my bedroom where we used to had sex. I started to reboot 4 days ago, i read the "getting starded guide" and it terrified me: i understood that the lack of drive that i had the last moths was partially because i replaced her with masturbation (once per day). I want to reach the 90 days mark and completely eradicate PMO from my life but i'm already struggling 4 days in. Going to sleep is getting harder and harder every night (literally haha): i need 3 hours to ease my mind from the excitement produced by my obsessive thoughts and when i wake up i feel like i can't get out of bed (in fact i don't) because the day ahed is filled with struggle, yet staying in bed is my trigger to PMO. How can i deal with my sexual thoughs? How can i keep fighting the good fight when the only time i don't crave my ex are the 10 minutes after PMO? the only timespace where i'm comfortably numb. How can i endure my battle with this addiction when it takes the form of eldulcorated memories, and i have to face it for an extended period of time each night and morning?
Thanks for your time,
Alessandro.

 

[Lonewolfpt]

You are really facing a harsh period in your life. In some aspects your story is similar to mine. 3 things that have helped me:

-Nofap
-Exercising
-Reading
-Lorazepam

In this like these I urge you to take some tranquilizers.

 

[n0bdy]

...when i was interacting with her. When i saw the damage i've done (the exact day she broke up with me) my whole identity shattered and here i am, trying to figure out the past to work on the present, in order to make a better future. I stopped smoking weed, i'm taking cold showers and i bought a shitload of books to understand relationships and why i behaved this way in order to become a better person and not to harm anyone else in the future...

Wow, bro. There's so much to say here, but firstly let me say good for you. You recognized you have a problem, and now you're taking action and educating yourself. That's a huge step that should not be diminished.

It sounds a little to me like you might have to a greater extent a problem I have too: codependency. You say that you're entire sense of self crumbled when your relationship ended, which tells me you were basing your entire identity on it and your girlfriend's admiration. Another way of thinking about it is that you substituted a relationship for a true, genuine self. This should not be. As long as you exist only in and for the eyes of others, I'm afraid this will repeat. First, figure out who you are when nobody's looking. What are your values? What do you stand for? You need self-literacy.

Here's someone to get you started on your journey. This guy really helped me in times as dark as you are in now. Above all, keep learning, reading, and fighting to discover yourself.

 

[Bianconiglio]

You are really facing a harsh period in your life. In some aspects your story is similar to mine. 3 things that have helped me:

-Nofap
-Exercising
-Reading
-Lorazepam

In this like these I urge you to take some tranquilizers.

Hi Lonewolfpt; i appriciate you took the time to reply to my thread. I'm a fan of David Goggins too: i aspire to master myself and handle the pain like he does... maybe the only negative aspect is that i think he is too harsh on himself, i'm sure it works for him but in my case i'm already critically tirannical with myself and i tend to extend my judging-self to the world. Basically i appear like an asshole. I'm surely doing the first three... i absolutely need that little kick of dopamine after exercising (and after a cold shower). Nofap is hard as hell tho. When i go to bed i'm literally obsessively picturing her riding me if i stay "face up" or me having sex with her if "face down". I'm not going to fucking relapse. I can't afford feeling like a failure no more, plus surviving the night give me a boost of confidence. I was thinking about taking antidepressant too... but i want it to be my last stand, after all today was a good day.
Hope you're doing great too...maybe a little better than me;
Alessandro.

 

[Bianconiglio]

Wow, bro. There's so much to say here, but firstly let me say good for you. You recognized you have a problem, and now you're taking action and educating yourself. That's a huge step that should not be diminished.

It sounds a little to me like you might have to a greater extent a problem I have too: codependency. You say that you're entire sense of self crumbled when your relationship ended, which tells me you were basing your entire identity on it and your girlfriend's admiration. Another way of thinking about it is that you substituted a relationship for a true, genuine self. This should not be. As long as you exist only in and for the eyes of others, I'm afraid this will repeat. First, figure out who you are when nobody's looking. What are your values? What do you stand for? You need self-literacy.

Here's someone to get you started on your journey. This guy really helped me in times as dark as you are in now. Above all, keep learning, reading, and fighting to discover yourself.

You're absolutely right brother. To be honest at first i wasn't like that... i think my identity drowned in the relationship slowly, unoticed. The only strange thing is that i wasn't needy with her, she actually felt like a burden to get rid of most of the time. I think that part of it is because of traits of BDP disorders mixed with some trait of narcissit personality. I'm going to kick that shit out of my system that's for sure. I think that you're spot on about self-literacy. You have to ask yourself good quality question! I will exercise on that for sure.
Thank you for your time nobdy, may i ask you how did you survived your worst dark time?
Kind regards,
Alessandro.

 

[n0bdy]

I don't know what the dynamic between you and your girlfriend was, but I can say that I seriously doubt you have either BPD or NPD, and here's why (DISCLAIMER: I am not a mental healthcare professional, but have learned quite a bit on this topic for reasons I'll explain shortly):

1) the relationship becoming a drag is to be expected if it's codependent. That's the problem with codependency, it's unsustainable. For example, I had very poor boundaries, no idea this was even an issue, and a host of dysfunctional defense mechanisms that would try and makeup for them in relationships, because I had no idea how to have one, and still kinda don't, lol. When I first began learning about this, my first thought was that I might have NPD or BPD(two entries in the DSM's cluster B, or section of personality disorders). Luckily, I started seeing a qualified therapist and she explained some things to me that I've since been able to connect to people in my own life. Which leads me to the second reason I highly doubt you have any combination of the two (and sorry but this is going to run on a bit) .

2) These disorders run in my family. My dad has BPD (undiagnosed, to my knowledge has never seen a therapist) and probably registers on the NPD scale as well. He is extremely unhinged and exhibited rage episodes and sadism throughout my childhood. I personally find him to be a tragic guy. My mother is...something (she's seen a therapist once that I know, but is undiagnosed with anything I know of). I honestly think she might be hystrionic, or an overt narcissist, but may also be what severe codependency looks like if unaddressed into old age. Idk. What I do know is that my older brother unfortunately, but definitely registers on the NPD scale (had seen therapists, but is undiagnosed to my knowledge). He lies a lot and is extremely controlling and manipulative. For example, letting me spend a lot of time with his wife's best friend, and come very close to sleeping with her without ever mentioning that he and the friend had sexted and even talked about sleeping together. This is one of the reasons I think he was grooming me for some sexual fantasy because he propositioned me to sleep with his wife after I'd already said "no" several times (this with his wife also telling him no). As far as what he thought of me, one time he joked that he could easily rape me if he wanted. I have a laundry list of other behaviors that would be considered ambient abuse, but the point is he's a generally gross manipulative guy who is no longer in my life. I know this is long, but I'm telling you this because, before I'd figured anything out about his lies that I just wrote, I tried to address some of the stuff he did that bothered me, like the rape joke. He not only gaslighted me, claiming he'd apologized when he hadn't, but furthermore indignantly refused "to be called a bad brother" Think about that, the sheer dishonesty. He then flew into a narcissistic rage and tried to goad me into a fight that I would've lost. It remains one of the most terrifying but necessary nights of my life. Again, I'm telling you this for a reason.

Notice that I said none of them are diagnosed. These disorders are notoriously difficult to do so precisely because the dishonesty is so reflexive, and complete lack of awareness of any problem from the patient is one of their hallmarks. I guaranf*ckingtee you neither my brother or dad are hopping onto self-help sites worrying about being narcissists or borderline. The thought actually makes me laugh. So, in conclusion, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is:

Bro, chill.

I think you've got some poor boundaries and probably some unresolved trauma. You don't sound borderline or narcissistic. But codependents often use the same defense mechanisms as NPD and BPD. I would highly recommend you read up on Attachment Theory (Bowlby). The dynamic between a kid and their primary caregiver gets repeated throughout the kid's life. There's a reason my nutjob parents raised a pathological tw*t and a PMO addicted basketcase, lol.

As to your question, I educated myself just like you're doing. The internet can be a fantastic resource. I can't stress how beneficial a qualified therapist was, but that may not be an option for you. At the end of the day I had the same two choices that everyone on this site has: get better or not get better, and one of those choices wasn't an option.

Best wishes, Alessandro. I'm rooting for you.

 

[FrenchOliver]

going to the gym ^^