Rebooting in a marriage ! Please Help!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by pathtorecovery86, Sep 23, 2020.

  1. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    It's a bit long , please bear with me. But , I desperately need a help.

    I'm a 33 years old man and have been married for 2 and a half years. I don't want to call myself a porn addict but I used to watch porn at least 2-3 times a week for the last 10-15 years. When I was not watching porn , I'd be sexting with random girls on the internet. In fact , I'd rather prefer sexting with girls than watching porn (it'd help me 'O' easily ). After I got married 2 and a half years back , my porn consumption was very minimal and I deleted all the apps that I used to chat with women. My sex life was good ( 2-3 times a week). There was no problem in the first year into marriage. When we were in the second year into our marriage , we started having conflicts and arguments ( not related to sex or alike , those were just regular husband-wife quarrels). Our arguments and quarrels went uphill ; it was like 3-4 times a week. Slowly and gradually , I started to feel irritated , disrespected and loss of sexual attraction. We'd still have sex but it was like once or twice a month as opposed to 2-3 times a week in the beginning. I still loved her but because of frequent arguments I started to get even more irritated and depressed. Out of despair , I downloaded apps to chat with random girls anonymously . That would help me divert my mind from frequent arguments and the ensuing depression. I continued to chat with girls and get off , hiding from my wife. One night , when I was drunk , She caught me. It was a disaster. I explained to her how she made me feel disrespected and that is why I resorted to sexting to divert my mind. I deleted the app. Things started to get better but only for some days or weeks. We fought again which led me back to sexting again. She caught me the second time and I admitted. I explained the same thing to her again. We made a promise we'd never hurt each other with words or quarrel. I deactivated and permanently deleted all the apps that I used for sexting.

    We continued to build our trust and relationship. We fixed our issues and I promised her I'd never chat online with random women. But , sexual attraction wasn't that great. One evening , I set the mood and decided to have a great sex like before even though I had decreased urges for her . Unfortunately , I did not get a good enough erection to penetrate her. We gave up that night , feeling frustrated. I assured her that might be a performance anxiety after all these months of fighting , quarreling and confrontations. After a week , I took 50mg ED pill and decided to have sex . It shattered me into pieces to realize that it didn't work and I could not achieve a good erection enough for penetration. I tried to test myself and watched porn , the erection was better with porn. I continued watching porn to get off , hiding from her. Its now been almost a year since we didn't have a 'successful sex'. Our relationship isn't that great because of this. She has mood swings all the time and not quite happy with our relationship.

    One fine morning , I woke up and came across this site and learnt about PIED. I told myself that I need to fix my relationship .I gave up watching porn and chatting online. Its been 40 days since I did PMO. Last week , I had a sex/wet dream and that was just once. I have explained to her that my ED might be related to stress or use of porn in the past. And also told her that I'm in the state of recovery. I showed her articles about PIED. She pretends to understand me but I feel she doesn't. She still has mood swings and not quite happy with me .

    After 40 days of PMO , I have urges for PMO . However , I'm still not ready for sex because I still feel I have not yet restored my sexual urges for her.

    Please help me , what do I do ? How do I convince her ? Should I try to have sex , despite my low-libido for real sex with her. I don't think she can wait for 50 more days.
     
  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    I would recommend you to wait and make 90 days hard-mode (or at least till you feel really strong urges for her). Explain to her that you need to complete it in order to make 'things happen'. The thing is that PIED is psychological problem, so its all in your head, if you try to make sex when YOU not really want it (to check with ED, to satisfy her, etc.), big chances you will fail and empower ED thoughts in your head. So 90 days, high-libido and urges for your wife, go get her...
    P.s. probably married guys will correct me if I am wrong
     
    pathtorecovery86 likes this.
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Keep away from porn and masturbation.
    Don't convince her with words but with actions.
    Nope, only have sex when both of you really want to have fun with each other. If you try to have sex without libido you are going to probably no get hard, moreover you are not going to be present in the moment, she is going to notice that you are forcing it and she is not going to like it at all.
    That's something you cannot control. Tell her that you are working on your "addiction" and low libido is part of the process in the beginning. That you love her but at the moment you are not capable of having sex with her, that you would love to coddle with her, be intimate with her, kisses, hugs, but no sex for the moment. That's a decision you can make and have control over it. Then she have to make her own decision, have your back on this one and wait for you or break up with you. If she wait she is on your team and worth working to get better for you and her, if she dumps you, then you know she is not going to have your back when things are bad so you are better without her.
     
    Outside likes this.
  4. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much for your advice . I had a bit of emotional turmoil over the past few weeks , so could not reply on time. I have explained everything to my wife and even mentioned about the 90 days recovery mode. I have explained her that the never-ending conflicts between us took a toll in our relationship ; and as a result I was not able to maintain the physical intimacy that we had. I explained to her again , all those stressful situation , arguments , fights , disrespect over these months lead me to divert my mind towards chatting online because I could not handle the mental stress she gave me. All those things ruined our sexual relationship and decreased my performance. I explained to her its entirely Psychological and needs time to heal my mind and that I need to completely rewire my mind. I explained that this would pass and we needed to focus more on emotional intimacy and support for each other , for the time being. I told her that I'm going through a psychological therapy and rewiring process of 90 days. In the process , I'm utilizing my energy on reading , socializing and other productive stuff. Upon hearing this , she was positive and made me feel like she supported me.However , she was not happy with the 90 days recovery period. She frowned upon hearing it.

    2 days back , she started to have mood swings . This time , she involved my parents and told them that we were like ' room-mates' for months and that I don't love her ( despite , explaining everything to her about my recovery process and that we'd get over our problems slowly and gradually ; and that I needed her support throughout this). I confronted in front of my parents and explained to them that we are going through a recovery process and she had supported me earlier but then out of no where , she started again.

    Please help !!
     
  5. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much for your advice . I had a bit of emotional turmoil over the past few weeks , so could not reply on time. I have explained everything to my wife and even mentioned about the 90 days recovery mode. I have explained her that the never-ending conflicts between us took a toll in our relationship ; and as a result I was not able to maintain the physical intimacy that we had. I explained to her again , all those stressful situation , arguments , fights , disrespect over these months lead me to divert my mind towards chatting online because I could not handle the mental stress she gave me. All those things ruined our sexual relationship and decreased my performance. I explained to her its entirely Psychological and needs time to heal my mind and that I need to completely rewire my mind. I explained that this would pass and we needed to focus more on emotional intimacy and support for each other , for the time being. I told her that I'm going through a psychological therapy and rewiring process of 90 days. In the process , I'm utilizing my energy on reading , socializing and other productive stuff. Upon hearing this , she was positive and made me feel like she supported me.However , she was not happy with the 90 days recovery period. She frowned upon hearing it.

    2 days back , she started to have mood swings . This time , she involved my parents and told them that we were like ' room-mates' for months and that I don't love her ( despite , explaining everything to her about my recovery process and that we'd get over our problems slowly and gradually ; and that I needed her support throughout this). I confronted in front of my parents and explained to them that we are going through a recovery process and she had supported me earlier but then out of no where , she started again.

    Please help !!
     

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