Rebooting in a Marriage , Please Help!!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by pathtorecovery86, Oct 9, 2020.

  1. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    It's a bit long , please bear with me. But , I desperately need a help.

    I'm a 33 years old man and have been married for 2 and a half years. I don't want to call myself a porn addict but I used to watch porn at least 2-3 times a week for the last 10-15 years. When I was not watching porn , I'd be sexting with random girls on the internet. In fact , I'd rather prefer sexting with girls than watching porn (it'd help me 'O' easily ). After I got married 2 and a half years back , my porn consumption was very minimal and I deleted all the apps that I used to chat with women. My sex life was good ( 2-3 times a week). There was no problem in the first year into marriage. When we were in the second year into our marriage , we started having conflicts and arguments ( not related to sex or alike , those were just regular husband-wife quarrels). Our arguments and quarrels went uphill ; it was like 3-4 times a week. Slowly and gradually , I started to feel irritated , disrespected and loss of sexual attraction. We'd still have sex but it was like once or twice a month as opposed to 2-3 times a week in the beginning. I still loved her but because of frequent arguments I started to get even more irritated and depressed. Out of despair , I downloaded apps to chat with random girls anonymously . That would help me divert my mind from frequent arguments and the ensuing depression. I continued to chat with girls and get off , hiding from my wife. One night , when I was drunk , She caught me. It was a disaster. I explained to her how she made me feel disrespected and that is why I resorted to sexting to divert my mind. I deleted the app. Things started to get better but only for some days or weeks. We fought again which led me back to sexting again. She caught me the second time and I admitted. I explained the same thing to her again. We made a promise we'd never hurt each other with words or quarrel. I deactivated and permanently deleted all the apps that I used for sexting.

    We continued to build our trust and relationship. We fixed our issues and I promised her I'd never chat online with random women. But , sexual attraction wasn't that great. One evening , I set the mood and decided to have a great sex like before even though I had decreased urges for her . Unfortunately , I did not get a good enough erection to penetrate her. We gave up that night , feeling frustrated. I assured her that might be a performance anxiety after all these months of fighting , quarreling and confrontations. After a week , I took 50mg ED pill and decided to have sex . It shattered me into pieces to realize that it didn't work and I could not achieve a good erection enough for penetration. I tried to test myself and watched porn , the erection was better with porn. I continued watching porn to get off , hiding from her. Its now been almost a year since we didn't have a 'successful sex'. Our relationship isn't that great because of this. She has mood swings all the time and not quite happy with our relationship.

    One fine morning , I woke up and came across this site and learnt about PIED and Psychogenic ED. I told myself that I need to fix my relationship .I gave up watching porn and chatting online. Its been 40 days since I did PMO. Last week , I had a sex/wet dream and that was just once. I have explained to her that my ED might be related to stress or use of porn in the past. And also told her that I'm in the state of recovery. I showed her articles about PIED. She pretends to understand me but I feel she doesn't. She still has mood swings and not quite happy with me .

    After 40 days of PMO , I have urges for PMO . However , I'm still not ready for sex because I still feel I have not yet restored my sexual urges for her.

    Please help me , what do I do ? How do I convince her ? Should I try to have sex , despite my low-libido for real sex with her. I don't think she can wait for 50 more days.
     
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  2. Outside

    Outside Fapstronaut
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    Ditto to stegiss. I'd add that in reading your post, it sounds like there's some undercurrent of blaming your wife some for your current issues. I'd recommend trying to get beyond that, and moving toward complete ownership of the problem. Marriage is hard sometimes - for sure. I been through those times when I'm so irritated that there's 0 attraction for a time, it can be incredibly hard. But turning to PMO is ultimately your decision, not hers.

    Good luck with your effort! I wish I had better advice for your current q on waiting on sex with your wife or not, but I don't think I have anything more helpful than what stegiss already offered. I think more time off PMO will be helpful, but at the same time you're in a relationship and need to consider your partner.

    I do think that you can expect improvements to your relationship & sex life as you go without the porn. It'll be worth working toward!
     
  3. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    First thing you need to realize after what you shared is that you are an addict. Nothing that you wrote is normal (from an addict vs normal perspective). My husband never escalated past 3-4 times a week on rather vanilla porn and he is still an addict. The sooner you take this seriously the better.
     
  4. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Not sticking up for OP but he said 40 days no PMO at his age that's pretty good. Maybe underlying anger from conflicts with wife is causing his ED and not PIED.

    I know from experience with my wife her passive agressive anger towards me kept her from getting arroused as a way of sub con punishing me. By rejecting me sexually
     
  5. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    In my situation with my husband, his lack of connecting with me emotionally made me have no desire at all to have sex - so much to the point that I even questioned if maybe I was a lesbian. I didn't realize how much he was holding back emotionally - he shared just enough that I thought he was connecting. He wasn't. I didn't realize what I was feeling was disconnection and that for me to be physically intimate with him I have to feel that I know him. So he would walk in the door from work while I was up to my knees in children and basically try to grope me to test the field as to whether sex was going to happen that day or not. I would be stressed and not connected to him and reject his touch because I was so overwhelmed and could feel that he was using me (I didn't quite recognize that then). He'd get mad, I'd get mad and seethe anger for quite a bit. So then when night rolled around - I would have moved on and calmed down, got kids to bed and then might be willing. He on the other hand had "already tried" and effectively got his permission to himself to use porn since the angry wife wasn't willing to put out when he came in the door. So while he skipped off to the other bathroom, I was laying in our bed sad and missing him. I don't think any wife really wants to punish with anger - I sometimes think our anger is our bodies way of protecting ourselves from being used for sex.
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Actually 40 days is nothing in comparison to the fact that he’s been using for well over 15 years. Getting high 2-3 times a week for 15 years. Clean 40 days. You guys have literally damaged your brains and bodies for decades and then think a month should do the trick. Most men can have sex even if they are angry at their spouse, however, porn has changed your brain to the point that you cannot get attracted/turned on by a average woman. 4-6 months before pied was gone for my husband and then he had pe! Lol, sensitivity returns and real sex feels so good he could barely last three strokes, that lasted about a month or two and now a year and a half later I’d say he’s normal, gets excited from watching me take my shirt off, doesn’t need 10 minutes of stroking to get hard, no pe and no de and no pied, so long as he doesn’t look at porn, fantasize, or masterbate. If he does any of that I can immediately tell in the bedroom. You might be able to get away with it for a short time, but eventually all the same problems come back.
     
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  7. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    I get it but I haven't lasted a month yet so no matter how much damage he did to his mind body it's still a start on right direction. I feel he should be congratulate him on 40 days no PMO.

    As to normal sex I have nothing to have gauge it to no healthy things my parents didn't have a healthy sex life, I was sexually abused as a kid and my wife had just as bad of unhealthy parents sex life to use as a guide.

    40 years of constant PMO the PTSd brain injury I got nothing go off of. Will try 30 days at a time hard reset then 30 more probably see where I am. At want to set a goal no masturbating and porn during this whole time sex with real women only at 30 and 60 days if ED

    But I do thank you Psalm 27:1 for sharing your journey and success story of husband.
     
  8. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear that for you 2 did it ever get better or is he in the past you guys split up. I can understand the distancing afraid to open up.

    I'm that way I'm only going sually going Ng to tell her n myself but one time I did open up and explained that a grown man family member raped me anally at 5 and that many other drunken men raped me and teen boys and a few woman until I was 11.5.

    This was the hardest thing to do and told her it had made me feel like less of a man somehow. I never wanted to share this ugly part of me with anyone not even God.

    And a few weeks later we had a very bad argument and she said you gotten me so mad I'm calling my still alive mother and share with her what the family member had done to me. That fucking hurt so bad I do not think I could of dealt with that then maybe even pushed me too much shame involved.ehonknows what I might of done.

    So I can see why he doesn't open up it's hard for me to at times. And maybe he has deep dark trauma that are ugly to him too.

    Porn sex feeling good just a way to annestitize the pain in his mind and spirit.

    Thank you for sharing what you did too from a woman's perspective.
     
  9. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    We are still together. We have 4 children, and what he did is rather mild compared to most, so I am trying very hard to work through the trauma to see if he is able to commit to what I need in a marriage.

    I am so sorry for what happened to you as a child. Regardless of what you are now trying to battle, I am so sorry for what was done to you against your will, for all the pain and confusion it caused. That is a lot of trauma to bear.

    I would just gently try to remember that your wife's pain does not invalidate your own. Even though you were set down a very dark path against your will, if she did not know about it and the methods you turned to in order to cope, her betrayal trauma is real too. It doesn't lessen the trauma you have faced. She is hurting too. If you held this all in, she is dealing with a lot - what happened to you and what you did to her. It is so much. Just remember she is hurting too. I think counseling would be really good for you both - this is a very delicate trauma to navigate alone.
     
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  10. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much for your output guys , I really appreciate your support. When I said 15 years and 2-3 days a week , I didn't literally mean I used it compulsively 2-3 days a week for 15 long years. But yeah , that was the time when I was exposed to artificial stimuli ( erotic images , videos and gradually transitioned to porn in the later stages) and when I was doing
    PMO it'd be 2-3 days a week but not every week throughout compulsively.

    Coming back to my issues , I'm on the 50th day of no PMO. I am completely clean but I do get morning wood and sometimes , while in the shower , I feel like stroking it every time my hands make a contact while cleaning it. Right away , I hold back and divert my mind. It's frustrating but I'm in control.

    I had a bit of emotional turmoil over the past few days, so could not reply on time. I have explained everything to my wife and even mentioned about the 90 days recovery mode. I have explained her that the never-ending conflicts between us took a toll in our relationship ; and as a result I was not able to maintain the physical intimacy that we had ( I did accept I was also at fault for making her feel that way). I explained to her again , all those stressful situations, arguments , fights , disrespect over these months led me to divert my mind towards chatting online because I could not handle the mental stress she gave me. All those things ruined our sexual relationship , decreased my performance and I lost my erections. I explained to her it could be Psychological and needs time to heal ; and that I need to completely rewire my mind. I explained this would pass and we needed to focus more on emotional intimacy and support for each other , for the time being. I told her that I was going through a psychological therapy and rewiring process that lasts at least 90 days. In the process , I'm utilizing my energy on reading , socializing and other productive stuff. Upon hearing this , she was positive and made me feel like she supported me. However , she was not happy with the 90 days recovery period. She frowned upon hearing it.

    4 days back , she started to have mood swings again . This time , she involved my parents and told them that we were like ' room-mates' for months and that I don't love her ( despite , explaining everything to her about my recovery process and that we'd get over our problems slowly and gradually ; and that I needed her support throughout this). It was a terrible confrontation. I had no option but to explain to my parents that our relationship is not really healthy at the moment , it has affected me psychologically and that we are going through a recovery process . I am undergoing a behavioral therapy that lasts 90 days ( I didn't mention about PIED or DE or any sexual stuff). But I did make it clear that our physical and emotional relationship isn't that great for the past 1 year. I did also tell them that she had supported me earlier but then out of no where , she started again.

    Me and my wife are speaking very less these days . I'm literally depressed. I had explained to her about the 90 days thing but she didn't take it seriously and created a mess. I'm still on it and I'm hopeful that it will work out . But at the same time , I'm worried about my DE.

    What do you reckon guys ?
     
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  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    So I bolded a part where you specifically blamed her for your decisions. You were part of those arguments too. You decided to self soothe yourself with going outside your marriage instead of being honest and open and communicative. If you want to repair your marriage, it's time to man up and apologize and understand you are at fault here, not her. She's never going to really be behind you or anything like that if you're, in essence, telling her that her moodiness caused you to act out and it's all her fault really.

    Second, you're not going through behavioral therapy. Unless I missed you seeing a certified sex addiction therapist, or even a regular therapist, what you're doing is following a trendy online idea. Stop lying to her and your parents and yourself about this. Many CSATs will tell you to abstain from masturbation, or even sex, during recovery, but doing nofap is not the same as behavioral therapy. If you want your wife to take this seriously, go to an SAA meeting and make an appointment with a therapist, today.

    Lastly, it's not her job to support you in this. It's your job to show her that you're committed to recovery and her and you can hope and pray she recognizes it. Pushing it in her face, demanding she support you, etc, will only hurt your relationship. Check in every night, ask how she's doing. DO NOT be defensive, as ALL of her feelings are valid and deserve to be honored and listened to.

    It's great you're trying. But just doing what others prescribe on this website is not going to save your relationship or yourself. If you're serious about yourself, or her, time to take those steps.


    EDIT/Addition - I only say these things as someone who has made similar problems recently. Seeing a real therapist, going to real meetings, seeing this as my problem instead of a relationship problem or a wife problem has made a huge difference
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2020
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  12. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    One more thing -
    One last thing - 90 days is not some instant fix. This is an interior and substantive change you have to want to make in your life, your brain, your emotions, your relationship, and more forever. Lots of people white knuckle it to 90 days, but then go right back into the same pit. Don't be that person thinking that not jerking off for 90 days is something she should be praising you for.
     
  13. Howerver tempting it might be - just don't ever give in. It might be tempting on that day in that moment, but always remember that you only have to get through that single day.
    Tomorrow is a new day and the world will look completely different.
    The depression you have is not (as in NEVER) cured by PMO. The exact opposite is the case: You have trained your mind that PMO will cause a dopamine surge and a short-time feel good moment. Right after this, you will fall into the same low and depressive feelings again: low self esteem, insecurity, emotionally incompetent.

    If you want to get rid of the depression and improve the relationship with your wife, don't ever PMO again.

    I also agree with @abc12345678ia : 40 and even 50 days is a major achievement. You can be proud of yourself!!!
    Of course, don't let your defenses down, but thinking of how few 40 days are in the face of what others achieve, how long the path will be, what damage you did to yourself etc. does not help you - it may only add to your low feelings and brings you closer to relapse.

    You are doing really good and many others on this forum struggle to reach that far. Be aware that it will be very difficult to reach to 50 days again once you relapse, but don't ever look back. You want to change your life. Never forget that your new life lies ahead, not behind. Don't let your past drag you down, but rather let your bright future push you through difficult days ;).
    You can make it ! IF you are determined.
     
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  14. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    These are some of the more thoughtful and sensitive comments I've seen in this forum. BUT - this is still an internet forum and some actual therapy work with a professional might be helpful for the OP. My two cents - I'm plenty f'ed up and an addict, read my journal. However, I'm working very hard right now and I can say that after a previous 30 days no-PMO streak my "male health" returned; although my issue was mostly desensitization from death-grip not PIED. What was wonderful was the improved emotional connection during intimacy, and in general, with my wife, since my brain wasn't all consumed with P. And I wasn't having to hide my real behavior, ie sneaking off to another part of the house, so that burden of shame and dishonesty was gone. And fellow husbands, the emotional connection is the point of physical intimacy, and you better be sure you have established that connection with the wife well before you expect sex. If you are not bringing your emotional and spiritual self to your physical intimacy with spouse then really all you are doing is substituting your wife's body for a P experience and a selfish O for your own satisfaction.

    To the OP, remain on the path of recovery. Do everything you can to quit this habit and reconnect with your wife. Do you want to have to look back at this point in your life with the sad realization you lost your marriage because you were a porn addict? Stay strong.
     
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  15. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    I second this. My husband did not make the changes enough the first time (I had no idea about any of it) but managed to white knuckle it for 10 years. Then relapsed for 5 years, more than double the first go. He is trying once again to just acknowledge the problem and. think he's fixed. He can't even recall why it started. We are so far from fixed - I am pushing him to explore the why, his reaction sequence, and a game plan so that this never happens again.
     
  16. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I can't say it enough how much seeing a specialized therapist has helped me. We had seen a regular couples therapist together and alone on and off for years. She told me that I just needed to learn boundaries and self control around porn. Looking back it was almost as she was giving the thumbs up to my addiction instead of forcing me to look inward and make larger changes. It meant hurting my wife more and more as i couldn't control myself even though i knew it was wrong. I lied and lied and hid and was eventually caught (which was only a matter of time).

    Seeing a CSAT meant someone willing to be tough and hard and tell me I have a problem and it's more than just self control and right vs wrong times.
     
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  17. pathtorecovery86

    pathtorecovery86 Fapstronaut

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    I don't deny the fact that I was at fault deviating away from the normal while I should have been more communicative and refrain from doing what I did. However , everyone has a different emotional state. For me I felt , I resorted to doing those stuff out of complete despair. I was frustrated and depressed beyond limits and that would help me forget the arguments and quarrels we would have everyday. Looking back in retrospect , I have realised that was not the right thing to do. But then again , I was in a completely different state of mental and emotional situation then.

    Whatever the members have written or advised on this forum is completely different from Behavioral Therapy. Seeing a professional would definitely be much more effective. Unfortunately, the place I am right now doesn't have professionals who deal with such problems and we have a terrible COVID-19 situation here. So at this point , I have no option but to follow suggestions from fellow members.

    I have been clean for more than 50 days . No PMO , No Sex with my wife , No Instagram , nothing at all that causes arousal. I haven't even checked if my DE has been fixed. I spoke with my wife yesterday and explained what I have been doing to fix our relationship. She was a little positive last night.

    So far , the advice given on this forum has helped me a lot. Since many of you have visited real therapists, I'd be grateful if you could provide some more information regarding the things that CSATs had to offer ( considering the fact that CSATs are not available around my place at the moment). Anything else that is completely different or an addition to what the members have offered on this forum.

    I'm really grateful for your support.​
     
  18. Outside

    Outside Fapstronaut
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    Congrats on 50 days! Perhaps piling it on here, but I see you pushing back a bit on the idea of full ownership of your porn addiction. I think progress in your relationship will be hampered until you reach that point. No one here is telling you that you weren't hurt, depressed, or frustrated from arguments with your wife. But you can't expect your wife to tip-toe around you out of fear that she will drive you to to porn -- that's not reasonable. It was ultimately your issue that you didn't have the ability to deal with these feelings in other ways. Don't take that personally -- it's something that probably all of us here have had to come to terms with here.

    A few q's to ask yourself: do you still harbor resentment toward your wife? Could you perhaps be using no-sex for dual purposes: PMO recovery and 'punishing' your wife by withholding affection? Are there ways you can improve your relationship outside of sex?

    Be prepared that it's going to take some work. It sounds like you have relationship (and other) issues that aren't going to just disappear in another 40 days. Now, don't take that as discouraging -- you're making good progress, just don't give up if it's still difficult.
     
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  19. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Really glad to hear that she reacted positively.

    Please note, SAA meetings can be found via zoom almost every hour of every day. And most therapists now do remote clients as well. If it's something you really want, there are ways to get it.
     
  20. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    This may sound harsh ^^ but it's extremely helpful. The more seriously you take it, the better off you'll be. The part I bolded is a part that I am still not good at and still working on, but it matters so much. If she knows I'm putting in the effort without her having to constantly babysit me, it makes her feel so much better about it, and confident that I care and want to make a change. The damage that we've done to our wives is damage we can't even imagine. We have to have patience beyond what seems possible because they are recovering too, just from trauma instead of addiction.
     

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