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Rebooting Motivation

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Jamestravis, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. Apr 22, 2016 #1
    Jamestravis

    Jamestravis New Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,
    I am looking to reboot. I have watched porn since before i could even ejaculate. I have HOCD at the moment, and have for a couple years. I am really afraid of being gay. I always liked girls, fell in love with them, and was aroused by them growing up. I was always confident being straight. I was harrassed in school and made fun of, and always felt rejected by any girl i tried to get with. I started with naked women to masturbate, just pictures, then videos on hbo, then straight porn, then hentai, then i eventually got into... Gay porn. It completely makes me feel alien to who i am. I dont feel gay, have never wanted to do anything with a guy in real life, never had feelings for a guy or anything. But i find that once i get used to straight and lesbian porn, i get used to it and have to find something different. It makes my anxiety go through the roof and makes me scared to watch it. I think it is all related to porn addiction, because when ive stopped masturbating before, all the feelings went away from gay shit and my attractions towards women comes back hard. Then i go through a relapse and have to convince myself that im straight. Ill slip back into watching lesbian porn, straight, then test myself to make sure im not aroused by men. It doesnt arouse me at first, but after a few days and feeling ocd symptoms, that arousal comes back to gay shit. It pisses me off because i know thats not me. Right now is the worste ive been. I pretty much gave up last night and was like "screw it, if im gay ill just watch all i want" then i find that once i remove the anxiety and just indulge in it, i find it hard to masturbate to. Then i get bored of that and have to find something even more crazy. Ive even gotten into beastiality and rape crap. It makes me feel disgusting and lost. Can anyone give me insight into having hope for myself? Is there a way that this gay crap is just some sort of addiction causation? I dont want to be gay, and want to be in a relationship with a girl that i like. Im sick of this.
     
    Jamestravis, Apr 22, 2016
    Jamestravis, Apr 22, 2016
    #1
  2. Apr 22, 2016 #2
    Jamestravis

    Jamestravis New Fapstronaut

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    And the gay porn is gross to me. No offense to any gay people. Although it is nasty and i feel repulsed, my heart races and i feel jittery and get aroused. But once again, after just getting into the relapse and slum of it, it loses its rush and im off to something else. Once i reboot i find myself popping erections just from pictures of naked women.
     
    Jamestravis, Apr 22, 2016
    Jamestravis, Apr 22, 2016
    #2
  3. Apr 23, 2016 #3
    Abs007

    Abs007 Fapstronaut

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    I've had HOCD for 3 Yrs and it has been disgusting and torture. Last 80 days of nofap. My HOCD has now completely gone in public ans I feel its almost gone. :)
     
    Abs007, Apr 23, 2016
    Abs007, Apr 23, 2016
    #3
  4. Apr 23, 2016 #4
    traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Jamestravis.

    Welcome to the NoFap tribe! & thanks for sharing what you have. My first word to you is this:

    Relax! Seriously bro, you're clearly not gay okay? There are scientific reasons why you are acting out with PMO the way you are currently. There are a lot of heterosexual guys here who will tell you, "I've been there, done that/still doing that."

    If you haven't already spent time on the yourbrainonporn.com website, you need to. Make a cup of coffee/tea, set aside 30 minutes and read the following page very carefully:

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do

    If you've read it already, read it again.

    Your mind-body wants you to keep pushing the boundaries, in order to get the dopamine fix it needs - whatever the cost to you. It's like any drug - we build up a tolerance & therefore need a bigger hit. When it comes to porn, that means looking at visuals that are increasingly repulsive to you.

    So relax, read & educate yourself - knowledge is power & I believe this will help you to understand what's going on with the gay porn binges.

    You are looking at gay porn PRECISELY because it's not you - it gets all those fight/flight responses going & is giving you a strong chemical hit.

    Go easy on yourself. You are here, which tells us, a) you have courage & b) you want to break your addiction to PMO.

    Just because people jump out of planes, it doesn't mean they're suicidal. Their bodies are getting a chemical hit from sky diving.

    Welcome, you've just stepped out onto your path of recovery.

    May deeper self-knowledge that unlocks your warrior self, be yours.

    T22.
     
    traveller22, Apr 23, 2016
    traveller22, Apr 23, 2016
    #4
  5. Apr 23, 2016 #5
    Master Bates 43

    Master Bates 43 Fapstronaut

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    What you are describing could easily be my story very similar and no I am not gay despite the porn I watched.

    Day 5 of my reboot and my head is clearing to what had been going on.
     
    Master Bates 43, Apr 23, 2016
    Master Bates 43, Apr 23, 2016
    #5
  6. Apr 23, 2016 #6
    Jamestravis

    Jamestravis New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for the replies.
    It makes me feel a lot more calm hearing that. What you said makes perfect sense to me. I find when i get into this scary binge that i feel completely alien from myself. I wake up and have a moment where im like "damn i cant believe i did that last night". Whenever i nofapped before i always regained myself and my confidence. Women would easily get my attention and even the slightest bit of girl nudity will arouse me. Im gonna step away from all this crap and see how it goes. Thanks a lot
     
    Jamestravis, Apr 23, 2016
    Jamestravis, Apr 23, 2016
    #6
    traveller22 likes this.

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