Rebooting my reboot - Pornception

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Betterman92, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys.

    Just wondering if anybody has experience with this phenomenon that I'm going through. In previous posts I've written about how my brain has turned pretty much anything in porn. At its worst point, I would have to stop myself from leisurely glancing at a poster, newspaper, or book if it had anything somewhat sensual or sexual in it. My brain automatically jumped to the conclusion that whatever I was looking at or reading was pornography, and I would get a lot of anxiety which I think led to something that I call "anxiety erections": erections that are paradoxically created when you're trying not to become aroused; it's like I can't relax and accept that what I'm looking at is not pornography, so my brain says that it is and I start getting an erection.

    It got so bad that I stopped watching any form of TV, wouldn't watch movies, would even avoid music that had sexual sounds, sights, or even totally innocent material that my brain could somehow twist into being pornographic. I guess what I was doing was withdrawing myself from the world in an attempt to avoid anything that could be considered a trigger, even if it wasn't.

    I'm starting to understand now that this isn't feasible. But I'm still having trouble. At what point does watching a TV show with an attractive female character become an activity that resembles pornography? When reading a book that contains a suggestive passage, at what point do I have to pull myself away from it before I start booting up those old dopamine pathways? If a song that I'm listening to contains "suggestive" or "sexual" female vocals, how do I know when to stop listening? Should I even stop listening at all?

    I've been trying for the last two weeks or so to willingly expose myself to this stuff; to realize that I'm not going to escape sexually explicit material in the world, and that the only way I can get over through is through basic expose therapy. But I'm feeling worse overall.

    I'm starting to get those old erections back on a daily basis. They're difficult to stop and after they go away, I'm left feeling empty and less driven than before. I'm starting to get crazy dreams when I go to bed again: uncomfortable, odd dreams that leave me feeling anxious and disconnected when I wake up. I remember getting these dreams when I first stopped watching pornography over a full year ago, so logically it seems like I'm throwing myself back into withdrawals.

    It's just an uncomfortable situation all around. If I'd only been quit pornography for 30 days, I probably wouldn't be so affected by this. But I've been over PMO for over one full year with only one true relapse about four or five months into it. I've made so much progress and for a while, I think I was truly rebooted (although I was still unhealthily avoiding any type of trigger). It's painful to seemingly slide back into it (even if I may be doing myself a favor) by taking in all these triggers, and I don't even know if what I'm doing is the solution to my problems.

    Thanks for listening guys. Even if you don't have a response for me, I still appreciate you taking a look. If anything, maybe this can be helpful for those just starting their reboots: reboot in a healthy way, not an unhealthy way. Watching TV is not a trigger, nor is reading a book with a sensual passage. We can't avoid these things, and only by experiencing them and not PMOing can we convince our brains that they are not pornography and are a normal part of life.

    Tl;dr - I started to avoid everything that triggered me in an attempt to speed of my reboot and now I need to reboot my reboot. Don't do this.

    YHTOMIT_TIMOTHY Fapstronaut

    Hi there Betterman-
    Great job all around and congrats on how far you've come in all of this. I don't have the answer, but I'm wondering if you have experienced the positive effects of a reboot at this point, and this situation of " your brain seeing porn everywhere" is the only thing you are currently wrestling with?
  3. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

    I have definitely seen some of the positive aspects of rebooting at this point, although they are more subtle than they used to be. I believe this to be because I have somewhat "relapsed" in general with my progress; I am not so sure as to where I stand on the recovery spectrum at this point.

    I'm glad that you picked up on my other issues. I also struggle with diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Moderate Depression, and somewhat self-diagnosed Purely-Obsessional OCD and Excoriation Disorder. These issues greatly complicate things, as rebooting helps me feel better and deal with these issues more effectively, but when I relapse, I tend to lose control of everything.

    In particular, I think my Purely-Obsessional OCD really affects my reboot. I literally cannot stop thinking about Nofap and making progress, and I think that's it is primarily or at least responsible for a great deal of my issues in "seeing porn everywhere". It also makes it very difficult to stop fantasizing as when I try to avoid fantasizing, my fantasies manifest as intrusive thoughts that I use little rituals in my head to try to avoid or get rid of.

    I am taking medication currently, and it does help a little bit. I am also using the Mind Over Mood book and seeing a therapist every month or so and I find that to help as well.

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