Rebooting to recover my sanity

I have been here before, trying to reboot many times. Year after year I had one big new year's resolution: "Stop PMO". But it was only four days ago that my girlfriend found out that I watched porn and masturbated regularly. It didn't help that we are on a long distance relationship and she figured that sometimes instead of calling her, or doing remote activities together I preferred to PMO by myself in secret. The years of lies were too much for her. And after a day-long discussion I reached out to this website and finally committed myself to a full reboot.

I always found PM normal since most of my friends do it, even on relationships, but it was my SO that made me realize that many of my issues of comparing her to other women, worrying about my performance in sex and generally been stressed about losing my virginity came from this dark place of pornography and fantasies.

I realized that something was off when I started consuming non free porn content on the internet. And, most embarrassing, when I M in public toilets, particularly at college. I believe that my confidence and social life were definitively impacted in a negative way by my PA. But even then, I couldn't stop. Only when she figured it out I realized what I have done, and how much time and energy I have spent doing nothing good. She is really my big motivation right now, some sort of accountability partner. I truly believe that this time I can come on top and be free.

I'll be posting at least once a week, even if she finally dumps me this Sunday. This has also finally motivated me to seek out professional help for a never ending depression that I believe started back when I went to college.

 

Day 6
It really does. I was reading this thread https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/trying-to-gain-back-my-sos-trust.164095/ and I realized that I don't want to deal with this issue on my future marriage, while having kids and a happy family. I'm just worried that it might be too late now to save my current relationship. I'll know by sunday.

 

Day 7 (I think)
I was wondering if anyone has talked about their PA to their close friends. I mean, you do not simply discuss your PA with your buddies nor your SO. I don't know if to bring it out with my psychiatrist. The shame and stigma are strong foes.

Right now, we are on winter break from college, and with all this I find myself really bored without PMO. Gotta find something to do instead...

 

Day 10
I can't believe I've got this far. Since I've finished my college courses there's not enough stress to give me urges and so I've spent a lot more time with my family. I have .... I guess more free time now to focus on other things and to talk with my SO.

 

Day 12
I had a wet dream :c and in the worst of places. Well, I got to CA to see my SO. Think it'll be ok

 

Day 0
Damn I relapsed after we had sex with my GF. No P just M. I don't know if to reset the counter or just change it from PMO to P.

 

Day 0
After 31 days of no porn I relapsed. I see this as a win, a step forward, I can only improve from here and regain my energy, time, confidence and continue with semen retention. I'll set the counter back to 0 and get a target of 60 days of full NoFap. This is the first time I have abstained that long. I feel really happy about it

 

I feel just so desperate. I feel sad, useless, dammed, stupid, hypocrite .... a lot of bad words I guess. In reality after my initial breakthrough I couldn't keep up. Not been around my girl is hard, having to conform to a system is hard. I started therapy for depression and anxiety on August but it is not helping me fight porn. Porn is always there. Eating away my time, my energy and worst of all I feel guilty and fucking horny all the time. It is awful. Each time I masturbate I binge eat out of shame. I can't really tell anyone about this.

The good thing now is that I have become conscious of it thanks to a mindful meditation I've been doing. Now I just need to recover my strength, start exercising, get back my will, do a Dopamine fast, be a better friend, brother, boyfriend, colleague, student, and a better human overall. This is just so sad. I though I had overcome this but it is as everyone says. It comes back after a while.

Let's reset the counter once more

 

Thank you both for your support .@Mrtumnus your r right about stressing my relationship, yesterday we discussed about my addiction and she was pretty upset. I'll get an accountability partner. @Faceplanter I'm currently seeing a therapist to understand what brought me my depression 3 years ago. As you say maybe I should bring porn up in a session.

It sounds like my mindfulness course ... "Feelings and thoughts come and go"