Rebooting when in relationship advice needed *desperately*

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by AuronV, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. AuronV

    AuronV Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys fist post but not my first attempt at nofap .I've been trying to quit the stuff for over a year now, with my longest stretch being about two weeks (second time I've achieved this stretch was today until relapse).

    The ED has never been that much of a problem (the odd stretch here and there but I also have anxiety issues relating to non-porn induced HOCD since i was 14) until recently and I have been unable to become erect in 3 weeks (to porn or otherwise and during this time still PMO whilst unable to get hard *will be seeing a doctor soon).

    ok to the point I've been with my GF for 4 years now and I've finally opened up to her about nofap, shes ok with normal mode but says I have to use the blue pills (which works btw) until this is cleared up, consensus is that this is unwise, due to potential psychological dependence but she wont budge on this demand, shes also quite selfish in the bedroom and unwilling to physically stimulate me herself (i've gotta do the work for both of us but i'm usually ok with this) and will usually quit in frustration if i'm not at full mast when shes ready. What should I do as shes made it clear shes unhappy about the idea of not having the physical aspects of a relationship (you know added more pressure to the situation) and all honesty this woman is the love of my life and i don't want to lose her but i'd like active consensus instead of my usual lurking. any advice you guys could give would be welcome!!
     
  2. Kick her ass and find better partner who actually loves you back
     
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  3. I agree with my fella upstairs, life is too short to waste your time with the wrong people.
     
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  4. AuronV

    AuronV Fapstronaut

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    Lol made me laugh and will consider that option (seriously) but for now i'm on board with her demands is there any anecdotal evidence to support or dismiss the potential down sides to her demands? as i am up for using it i just dont want to become dependent on the stuff and or harm my recovery process. is there any other supplements I could take during a flat line to increase libido? e.g. emulate normality whilst quitting P and M?
     
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  5. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    She’s not your wife, she doesn’t get to control your journey to recovery. You have to do the best thing for you. If she doesn’t support that, then you have some tough decisions to make. You admitted she is selfish...

    I realize I have no skin in the game in your relationship with her, but it sounds like you would be a lot happier to be single, work on yourself, then find a woman who will be better to you.

    Besides...You have been dating 4 years now, if you aren’t married now what the hell will make you want to get married later?
     
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  6. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    I'm a bit confused by her attitude, to be honest. A relationship is not only about sex. And sex in a relationship is not about one party getting what they want, when and how they want it. If she can't handle the reality of things, then maybe she also has some unresolved issues?
    I think PA also has a strong selfish component to it, but you don't really see many SOs saying "My partner is a selfish person, so I'm just happy to accept him getting satisfied at my expense". Does she know you see her as a selfish person? Is she happy about it?

    Personally, I would try to get her into couples therapy if you want the relationship to work, rather than go out of your way to satisfy her. One of the goals of recovery is to achieve healthy sexual relations with your loved one, but what you describe does not really sound very healthy to me.
     
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  7. Theres a reason for a flat line as it is a part of a healing process. You want to chemically bypas that healing process of yours so you can satisfy someone who does not care about you. Hello?
     
  8. AuronV

    AuronV Fapstronaut

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    I keep going in an out of work (cant get anything other than temp work) otherwise i'd have put a ring on it. OK taken on board will attempt to talk to her again. thanks
     
  9. You marry for a children... only reason. Marriage without a children does not make sense
     
  10. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    You marry for whatever reasons you feel are right for you. Don't let anyone else push their ideas onto you.

    IMO, your GF does sound selfish, and kind of uncaring too. I couldn't imagine acting like that to my BF. Maybe look into counseling if she is unwilling to talk with you and compromise.
     
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  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Is is the ring that makes the relationship? My engagement ring was a $30 gold band. I wore my sister-in-law's diamond solitare promise ring with that band for the first two years we were married until we could afford a better one. We've now passed two decades of marriage and my wedding set barely cost $1000 when we finally did get it. It's beautiful, with a heart shaped diamond (my favorite shape), with a diamond and sapphire band. It's about the commitment, not the cost.

    It sounds like you have a lot more to think about than whether or not to use the little blue pill.
     
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  12. Basically... u dont marry. Dont listen to woman advice in this case. Only time u marry is when u have children as that is a life time comitment on its own so it doesnt matter if you are or are not married anyway. Than - do it. Theres nothing in a marriage for a man. It will not make your love twice as strong. Marriage is invitation to a third party to your relationship. That 3rd party is a state and law. And both are against you if you are a man. Good luck!
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Umm what? You marry for love. If you don’t love the person you are going to marry your kids are going to have a horrible time. And what if your wife can’t have kids? Divorce?
     
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Just so I understand you have been a pmo addict your entire relationship and you can’t understand why your partner is angry bitter and demanding? I am goIng to assume you have no idea how horrible it is to date a pmo addict and it’s not just about if you have DE or ED. Pmo addicts treat their partners totally different and it’s not fun. She’s angry and she has every darn right to be!
    I wonder what she would honestly say about your sex life? I doubt it would be as you paint it. Women need sex too! No it’s not everything but it’s important. After years of you not having a normal sex life she’s prob tired of it all. I don’t think she’s a bad person at all. I think you are failing to see how much pain she is in because of your actions and focusing solely on yourself. Stop. Listen to her. Put her first in every choice you make. It’s quite possible the damage you have done will be too severe for her to heal from. If that’s true she will leave but if I were her I would be pissed as heck at you! I was with my ex and so are most SOs. The anger of being lied to of being second best to pmo? That’s enough to drive even the sanest women crazy! All those years a pmo addict and clean two weeks? Please understand why this is happening it’s a result of what you have done.
     
  15. Aarathones

    Aarathones New Fapstronaut

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    So, I read all the top comments and I wanna make a review myself, relating my problem in the subject:

    I'm dating a girl for about 8 months and she's great. But when we had sex this period, most of the times I got ED in the middle (Actually I got a little hard but then I can't keep it for too long). It really sucks, and now it got to the point that she wants me to resolve this problem. She don't want me to use the blue pill, she didn't even consider it... However she's is getting concerned and want me to get a psychological treatment asap for the sake of both of us (specially me of course). She's having some dark thoughts too, that I don't get horny with her, cause I don't think she's sexy enough and maybe I should search another partner for my own good. But I talked to her, said that this is silly and open up that this is not an isolated case... actually it happened a few times, and some of them were pretty ugly, I felt a piece of shit, it's horrible. So I knew that I had a problem and it's mostly related to PM. And now I'm committed to quit and reboot for good. I just want to open up for her so she understands and support me overcome this (And she's been really supportive).

    So, I guess the solution that you may try is opening yourself about everything and work out to get the best solution for it. Honestly, don't go for the blue pill if your problem is only psychological, it's an expensive and damaging procedure that will only drag your problem into a worst recover (I used a few times and most of them worked well, but there were 2 times which didn't).
    My first step was getting into the no PM. But I will keep trying having sex with my girl, denying sex is off the table for me (I think it's good for your brain having a physical relationship instead of masturbating to a video or an image, thus my brain will rewire and I will get my libido back only for the real thing).

    To conclude all that said, our main purpose is to have an outstanding, incredible, breathtaking sexual relationship with the one you love or have desire, without fear and doubts about you, whoever the other one may be, and to achieve that we must face our demons and be humble enough to admit that we have a problem and need help...

    I reach the knowledge to detect the problem for now, but I want to evolve and cure myself for good, so that I can love my gf at the fullest.

    *Sorry for the long post dude!
    **If anyone have any thoughts about this, please share, cause I want to find a effective solution for my problem, so than I can work with this until I get better...

    Cheers and never give up!
     
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Have you told your partner about your PMO addiction? That’s the first step. How long have you been PMO free? I always support counseling. That being said often people go on a wild goose chase looking for an emotional cause and it’s really as easy as stopping PMO. So stop it all for 90 days. If you think hard mode is needed explain that to her. I am the ex of a PMO addict. I felt very similar to your partner. I also told my ex that he should seek out other women because clearly I did not do it doe him. If you stop PMO chances are your ed will go away and being honest will build trust. You can tell her until you are blue in the face it’s not her and she’s attractive to you she’s not going to believe it. You have the chance to fix this now.
     
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