Rebooting while trying to have a kid?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by TurboMike, Mar 18, 2021.

  1. TurboMike

    TurboMike Fapstronaut

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    Long story short I joined awhile ago, then went on a major relapse for years. I was too weak to quit apparently. The issue I think was it didn’t impact me with my wife that much. Don’t get me wrong it did from time to time, but I was successful enough to not take this seriously and in hindsight I regret it tremendously.

    My wife and I ended up having a wonderful daughter and the goal was to have a second kid when she was two! But my relapse was so bad and I was doing it so often especially after the first kiddo was born, that now I just can’t do anything with my wife. It’s like my interest in her sexually is nonexistent now. I love her tremendously but I just can’t finish or stay hard.

    My daughter is almost three now and we missed the mark because of my addiction. And as time keeps pressing on my stress and anxiety and pressure to perform is getting exponentially harder. Especially after having a reset with porn today (relapse?)

    Its getting more and more depressing.

    So is it even possible that I work on a reboot and try and have a kid? Is there anything I can do to be successful in both baby making and rebooting at the same time? The biggest concern is making a baby for us.
     
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  2. Lionheart23

    Lionheart23 Fapstronaut

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    I'm close to 100 days without pmo, I couldn't grasp how a married person would look at porn and leave the wife he really loves How does this happen
     
  3. TurboMike

    TurboMike Fapstronaut

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    What do you mean "leave the wife" we're still married. I just can't perform because what I want sexually is porn women, and unrealistic sexual expectations that my wife isn't gonna do and I want death grip and speed that my wife's anatomy won't do either. So I can't stay hard or orgasm, thus making it hard to have a second kid. This is all thanks to my porn addiction of over 20 years.
     
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  4. I think you can do it. Just quit the pmo now and abstain from sex for a while. How long it takes to get right again I think depends how long you have been in this stage. I started having the same issue as you, not trying to make a baby, but with death grip and finishing. The porn kills the desire for the real thing and the deathgrip ruins erections. So quiting porn returned the desire for me. My will power is not as strong as some on here, so when I relapse/reset I don't watch porn and I don't grab it like I normally did in the past, just rub the tip instead. I don't have any issues getting the job done with her now. It only took me a couple of weeks to fix the deathgrip problem.

    I could be wrong on the meaning of his post, but it is a popular misconception on this site that when one gets a girlfriend/wife their porn addiction will be cured overnight. It's usually imagined that being married means that they will have sex on tap whenever they want.

    Good luck and I wish you the best on having another child.
     
  5. TurboMike

    TurboMike Fapstronaut

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    I see, well at first it was like that. When my wife and I first started dating it was no problem, didn't even care about porn, but like all things, it starts getting old and my old addiction came creeping back in. It wasn't as bad until kid number one joined. And ever since kid number one it's gotten really out of control.

    Plus my wife's body has changed to no longer fit and little, so there's that I'm contending with too.

    So yeah it's not as if it was the magical cure, just a bandaid for several years. I'm almost 40 no and my wife and I have been together since our 20s. So there was a long time when porn lost it's hold over me, but deciding to have a kid in mid 30s definitely changed things in that regard. I still want another one.
     
  6. I can confirm being married does not undo issues with self pleasuring. And sex is certainly not at will. Although I have been married only a couple years and things are still very hot and fresh (I believe partly due to my semen retention and her keeping herself nice for me) I am still dealing with conquering my own issues and learning to retain and abstain
     
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    That’s leaving your wife even if you don’t realize it. You have left her in ways you can’t even understand until you get clean from this addiction.
     
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  8. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    This is addiction and guy is trying to figure things out.
    Please leave to yourself your own judgments about him, I guess if both of you are still here, you have your own issues to beat isn't it ?

    Although I don't have family and I'm not clear about 'technical' issues with your ability to make a baby, it will be useful for further life of your kids to be free from addiction, because you will be behaving way more mature and differently and they will have healthy role model. In case of issues, I would encourage you to immediately seek professional help to not overload you family with your possible difficulties and emotional hardship during reboot.
     
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  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He asked what the guy meant by “ leaving his wife” because technically he hadn’t divorced her. As an addict, he doesn’t realize how he has left her. I wasn’t judging, I was stating how he had “ left” from a wife’s perspective who has been with her husband for 34 years. When you are with an addict who’s addiction causes him to prefer porn women to the point he can’t get it up or hold an erection with his spouse, you have been abandoned. More than just physically. Are you here to learn or do you just want someone to tell you how great it is you are trying? Trying isn’t going to change anything, getting clean and in recovery will change his world! And hers.
     
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  10. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    I took your post too emotionally.
    The more various opinions the more useful informations can be extracted, I forgot that sometimes pointing opinion very straight and directly is useful in waking up, especially addict. I agree with your post and with subject of abandoning, because it is abandonment.
     
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Well, I never post to “ judge” someone, but I believe that until you are in recovery you lie to yourself every bit as much as to others. Too many times the addict believes that because it’s a hidden addiction it doesn’t hurt anyone or have consequences. My husband believed that for years. Not until he got into recovery did he actually see the damage he had done. Addiction, no matter to what, always places a wall between the addict and others. The opposite of addiction is connection so while he is deep in addiction he will not have connection with his spouse. She will feel it and know it. Most of us long to be connected to our spouse, but until the addict gets into recovery, there isn’t anything we can do about it.
     
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