Hey there. Not the first time I come to this forum. But things have changed a bit since I last came here. My wife has known about my porn addiction even since before we were in a relationship. She figured it out when she read my email account that I left on on her computer. That wasn't a nice move but that's how it went. During our relationship and marriage it's always been a huge topic to talk about my problem and addiction. I have tried seeing a shrink and going to a self help group led by a therapist. Also I talked with other guys about it in my christian student organization. But eventually nothing really stuck. My wife really wanted to know what, when and where about if I masturbated. But I really didn't want to talk about it. So that is where all the lying began. She was always the one that would start this conversation. It was never me. Of course it wasn't me, because all I would feel was guilt. And I would feel stupid, weak and shameful. And I just couldn't stop watching porn. Sometimes it was once a week and sometimes it was multiple times a day when I was alone in my student room. So even when we weren't married this would go on. The whole subject meant a lot to her. She took the P and M very personal. Around the time we got married she got a depression. She had been having one for years already but now it looked like it flared up again. It was a tough time. A couple years later she started feeling better. We got our first child but after that she fell into a depression again. It went a bit better and we got our second child after which she fell into a depression again. Our kids are now three and five years old and my wife is doing much better. I am very happy we all got through this and I hope we never have to go through something like this again. Through these last years the conversations about my addiction changed a bit. She started seeing the masturbation and porn more for what it is: a problem underneath. She still wanted to know how it was going but started pressing me less. Eventually a while ago she acknowledged she pressed me hard on this and only pushed me away with demanding answers that weren't going to help either of us. The biggest problem for her now is that she really hates the lying and me not telling what's really going on with me. Because if watching porn is a result off something happening inside me that something is probably a problem I have face and learn to overcome in another way. And she is absolutely right about that. So I am extremely happy she doesn't press all the guilt buttons anymore. And in stead of wanting to stop my addiction because otherwise I would have to confess my sins to her again I can now focus on getting rid of the problem that's keeping me down and really talk about it with my wife. So that's what I want to do. I needed some time to overcome the fear of my wife wanting to know everything again. Writing down all this makes me realize I have an amazing wife who is willing to overcome not only depression but also her own thoughts and convictions about porn and masturbating and my process in this. That's pretty crazy. Any way. First up is my next 30 days of no porn and no masturbation. And meanwhile try and experience what is happening to me when I feel the urge. What is making me want to do it? I already know it is common for me to feel the urge after stressful situations at home. But it's also already a trigger when I am just home alone and everyone is gone for a while. That's it for this post. I hope I will come in and check here regularly. But it has been my experience that even that can be hard. So I hope to be back here soon.