Rebuilding: How good it is to have the proper mindset (and to feel it)

Hi everyone,

It's weird to write in English. I'm french and bilingual, but anyway, let's just introduce myself and what I've gone through. Currently on first month of NoFap, heading towards 90 days, then 150 days, then 180 days PMO free (and see how long it will last, hopefully longer) ; let me tell you my story and see if you can take something good out of it, something to apply, to heal yourself. I don't know how long will be this post but read it, I think there's some valuable information there.

I started masturbating at the age of 12, and if you ask me I don't remember how it was back then -how often I did it. I'm not going to lose time with introducing the way I entered PMO addiction -you're all there. We all know what it is, don't we?

I knew there was something wrong with masturbating too often quite a while ago, maybe even one year or so. I never really trusted this feeling I had ; it was just masturbation, after all. I'm a very introspective person (I do a lot of introspection towards myself) and, curiously, I first doubted about PMO while I was really wondering were I had gone. I was not the same guy than before, not the person I wanted to be. I had low self-confidence, low social skills, some mental issues, too (not something big, but you guys may know what obsessive compulsive disorder is -well the ashes of it were still taking me mentally, but that's another story I could spend hours talking about.) So I had these doubts about masturbation. I was sometimes telling me maybe that was it, I felt the brain fog -even though I couldn't name it back then- by comparison with better times, and I used to think that maybe PMO had something to do with it. But yes, the addiction and low self-trust always killed these thoughts ; I would just tell myself I had to straighten up, that everyone masturbates, and that everyone didn't have my problems. I would just continue to watch porn and to masturbate once a day without knowing I had an addiction. My daily life was morose, drab, heavy. I was a zombie. I would do my chores mecanically, answer to people like a robot, not being myself, like if I was living behind a wall of observation ; I felt like life was going well with everyone around, that I didn't have the chance to be part of it at such a point. I thought everyone was happier and better than me. I would masturbate too often, and soon would drown every time I did it. Even masturbation became dull.

I wouldn't say my life was a mess. I'm really focusing on the negative part right now, but I laughed every day like everyone, enjoyed some things. I did have some good days. But I did it in such a gray way. I wasn't funny, trying to be, I should have enjoyed more the things I enjoyed. This life was the one I had until the beginning of 2017.

My concerns about PMO weren't gone, even though I never listened to them. I used to masturbate in the evening ; I remember myself feeling like everyday was a cliff I had to jump above until the next PMO session. I tried to research about it, a little bit passively, if you ask me.

Then I found NoFap.

I made 11 days on my first attempt in February, then relapsed and PMOed for two weeks. I did feel improvement during this first attempt, but it was gone after the relapse. I made the error of doubting about the reason I was doing it. ''Why do I have to do that?'', I said to myself (and people --this is the worst thing to do. Find the reason to avoid PMO if you need to, and never doubt it.) I though I could reward myself of not masturbating for 11 days by masturbating. I thought no one would cut my hand if I masturbated, if I took the pleasure of PMO. No one would even know. So I relapsed. Two weeks or so. Got tired of it again, deception.

I don't know it happened exactly, but one evening, I just noticed all the harm masturbation had done to myself. I saw it with a shocking lucidity; it was strong and frustrating to see how blind I was before. With the help of NoFap, I now knew that I had a PMO addiction and that there was no solution as close as stopping PMO.

I stopped it.

March 1st, day 1. Flatline. I think discovering how PMO got rid of my former self helped it. I had a wet dream on day 3, but I didn't even took pleasure out of it. I was in NoFap, didn't think before entering it, and with the proper mindset now. If you want to resist the urges, you really have to find out why you're avoinding PMO. If not, you have no motivation, and you're never gonna be able to reach the 10 days mark. Do it for you. To feel better. To enjoy life, to reach your better self. To control your life. This desire must be stronger than the desire to masturbate.

Do it, and believe in the results that are coming. You are going to feel them. But you need to look for them in an active way, not a passive one. Sometimes it's really subtle. Look for it.

Since March 1th I've felt:

- More control over myself;
- More confidence, and I feel like it continues to grow;
- More comfortable everywhere, interacting and just being present;
- I can finally start to think and act with my values and not like a PMO addict with brain fog bypassing my feelings;
- More here. I'm not a spectator;
- I'm calmer;
- I have more energy to clean other bad sides of myself ; more courage;
- I can speak for myself and tell my opinion;
- I don't know what this is, but people have started approaching me. That didn't happen before. Perhaps it's my aura, or I look happier (and I am), people started talking to me, reacting to me in a way that wasn't there before. And it's positive. They probably feel it. That's good;
- No more thinking about how to act, I just act like myself (and by doing so I get the feeling of acting ''right'' I wanted before);
- Not objectifying women like before;
- My voice sounds deeper, or at least I'm more in control of it;
- I feel like I'm starting to enjoy more life, I know that everything happens for a reason.

I remember that this summer I thought being PMO free for one week was so big, one week, how to do that? (I think I didn't even suceed) Now I'll do it for AT LEAST 12 weeks. This is my goal for now. And this time, I'm not gonna reward myself with PMO after that. What is the logic behind that? You try to stop PMO, but you end up masturbating anyway. It's like a drug addict getting a fix after sober months. The temptation is hard, but it's by resisting it that we will reach happiness and a better version of ourselves.

Now I would like to share more enthousiasm in this post, but I have to tell you. I edged a little bit yesterday. No porn, but some fantasizing about pretty girls. I wanted to see if my engine could still get erected (useless, I know, but I have my answer --it seems harder, even longer(?) and in better shape than before. I got more hard with my imagination than with porn before. This is a good sign, and a sign that I must continue being PMO free). I just fapped for seconds. Really no more than that. No O. I don't know if I should consider it as a relapse (tell me your opinion about it), and I'm angry at myself. I just want the urge to arrive tonight so I can fight it. Kill it like it has killed myself. I'm not gonna edge anymore. Right now, no urge. I can bear these urges, and so can you. Just don't try to test your performance Remember that you can't masturbate if you don't touch your dick. Don't touch it.

Men and women, this is a journey we all can do. We just need to commit to it. It is not a challenge, it is a decision, a detoxification, a way of life that we can all adopt. Stop wondering when NoFap will end. We are here. Isn't it beautiful?

So freaking beautiful.
And it will get even more beautiful as time goes by. Just allow it to be and just believe in it.

I hope I helped some of you. It would mean the world to me. Life continues and we follow it. Or maybe it's life that follows us.

Have a nice day, after all.