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Recently married seeks support for husbands pmo

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DireMerl, Oct 6, 2015.

  1. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Hi all.
    I am very new to this sort of thing so I just thought I'd give a little background on my recent experiences in the hope that it will help.
    My husband and I have been together for six years. Married for one. We have always had problems with our sex life. Mainly, I am very sexual and he (so I thought) is not. I've been trying to get to the bottom of this problem for a long time. I found porn on his computer and that opened the floodgates. Long story short we have been back and forth over this issue for years but I finally managed to get him to sex/couples therapy at the beginning of the year.
    Since then we have come to the conclusion that pmo is a big part of the problem. It has been a struggle to even know if this is a real problem because of the many conflicting opinions on the issue. I find myself coming down on the side that he is an addict. He can't go more than 2 days without porn. He uses it frequently, yet we have little or no sex. We love each other and our relationship is generally good. I feel like this issue is now affecting everything between us. The frequent lies and broken promises,the lack of communication and hiding from the issue has taken it's toll. I think I've finally managed to convince him that porn is the problem. I don't want to go into too many details on his part because I know he is stuggling with shame and embarrassment. We have decided that the pmo-ing has to stop. We've had many false starts and a lot of fighting. He now gives up his phone nightly for a browser check. I'm not sure if this will work but I don't really know what else to try.
    I have been slowly driving myself insane, constantly researching and trying to understand why and how. I think it would benefit for him to start a journal on here but I'm not sure if he will. I'm not even sure he really recognises what this is doing to him and our marriage. My heart breaks for my poor husband. Who is slowly destroying his true personality with anti social escapist behaviour. I would love to be able to take the struggle away for him but I know he needs to do this himself.
    Not to mention the effect it's had on me and my self esteem. Finding that he's been googling 'i don't fancy my wife' and saying that my weight is an issue for him has really damaged how I look at myself. I hope (getting information from things I've read about other porn addicts) that this is another side effect of addiction. But it is difficult to understand how you can love someone,but also engage in behaviour that hurts them. This is the biggest struggle for me. And being able to express my feelings. I know that this is something I need to work on myself. Sorry for the long ramble.
     
  2. MadHatter

    MadHatter Fapstronaut

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    Not a ramble at all. Welcome to NoFap.

    I hope you two can work things out.

    As a married man of 12 years, I can tell you that after a reboot, everything looks different. Everything.
    Pornography clouds the mind, and makes it very difficult to see things clearly.

    Your husbands needs to reset his brain.
     
    Mj1064 likes this.
  3. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks madhatter. Love the name by the way. I've found that reading other people's experiences has helped me a lot in understanding the process behind the addiction and how it has affected his ways of thinking. I'm just not sure how to support him into really getting help and getting to grips with the problem. And I find that a lot of the time I'm trying to be honest and have a real conversation about it, he's defensive and acts like I'm nagging. Perhaps I'll show him a few of the threads I've seen on here that have helped me understand a bit better.
     
  4. Have you - or/and he - had a look at Your Brain on Porn (http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain)?

    That's a good place to start if you haven't.

    And this post from a site similar to this:

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=16175.0

    You're showing patience and strength already in offering to help. There are lots of cliches about recovery, and I think the one about the addict wanting to change themselves is very true, so he will need to want this too.

    There are a number of wives/partners who post here regularly and talking to them might help you. If you can get your husband to sign up here tell him to ask questions, he'll surely get answers.

    I wish you and your husband well. You can both only benefit from tackling this, though there may be some struggles and pain in the short-term.
     
    TheFiancée and WOTL like this.
  5. Light333

    Light333 New Fapstronaut

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    I am an S-anon and new to this site as of today.....relatively new to S-Anon as of December 15, 2014. I am sharing only to let you know you are not alone and I look forward to exploring this site and participating more. Please feel free to contact me. I wish you and your husband well on this wonderful journey to recovery. I know it can be lonely, but you are not alone.
     
  6. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your kind responses. I have had a little look at the sites suggested and I'll look at them in more depth tomorrow. Watching the walking dead at the moment :).
    I had a huge internal debate about whether I should even post here. Then I had another internal debate about whether to tell my husband I had done so. Thankfully I decided to be honest when I got home. He understands that I need advice and support from others going through the same thing and isn't angry or anything which is great. I'm trying to be more open and I think that can only help. I've also encouraged him to start his own journal on here as I really think it will help. Hopefully he will. It's so good to just know that I'm not alone.
     
  7. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Short post as I'm on my lunch.

    So I've had to go to work today and I'm really worried the other half will slip up again. I know worrying won't change anything but I can't seem to shake it. It doesn't help that I've only had about five hours sleep. I suffer with really bad nightmares and last night was a doozy. Woke up shaking and covered in sweat. Lush. Anyway I will try and have some lunch now and think positive thoughts.
     
  8. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Hooray. I just had a lovely roast dinner cooked by my husband. And he's started his journal on here. So I'm feeling pretty good about life right now. :)
     
  9. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what it's like to be married and have the addiction, but I can tell you that embarrassment and shame are part of the process of coming clean and tend to be most intense at the beginning of the recovery. I've found four types of information to be most helpful in my case:
    1 Spiritual perspectives on how PMO is bad for the soul of the addict and the participants
    2 Scientific perspectives on how pornograpahy affects the brain.
    3 Experiences of other people on NoFap. It's an encouraging community, which is awesome, but even knowing that there are so many other people for whom this has become an issue took away a lot of the embarrassment and their experiences have taught me a lot.
    4 My own journal and the insights it has provided me. Along with the journal, many of us on NoFap have "counters" which can be reset any time PMO occurs. Accountability is key for success, but definitely be cautious about how much of the burden you take on yourself. You cannot make him change, and manipulation, even when inadvertent, isn't healthy for relationships. Boiling water softens a potato but hardens an egg. Try not to nag. At the beginning of my no-PMO endeavor, I started a log that has been really helpful. There's another guy on here (I think his name is Dante's Shadow) with a really good spreadsheet. Every time PMO occurred, I wrote down the date and time. It was a huge help because I could see when I was progressing, pick up on patterns, and also see the factual severity of my addiction. It's a lot easier to say things aren't so bad when you can't actually see or remember what's happened.

    There's a section in the Latter-day Saint scriptures which says that power and influence should be maintained "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
    Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
    That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."

    You might consider those ideas as you use your influence to help your husband make a positive change.

    Lastly, I wish I knew how to help you with the emotional damage that has been done. My heart truly breaks to hear that your self-confidence has been affected. This is not your fault. Please learn to believe that and remind yourself as often as you need to. Addicts are blind. We hurt people in ways we don't see, and we lose the perspective we had when healthy. Fortunately, we can change, but it's a process, not a light switch that can be flipped.

    All the best, and please keep us updated!
     
  10. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind thoughts. I know I can occasionally lean on the side of coming on too strong so I am trying to work on that. I think sometimes when I get a really clear picture of something in my head I tend to obsess over it. I often find myself obsessing over people's behaviour. What motivates them. Why they do or say certain things. Usually I tend to internalize all of these thoughts so it doesn't drive other people crazy. But maybe in trying to be more honest with my husband I'm actually over talking the issue of that makes sense.

    I have a tendency to obsess and analyse my own thoughts and actions all the time too. I find it hard to shut my brain up sometimes when it latches onto something. It can be the stupidest things as well. I remember at uni a friend sent me a text and I bored my housemate to death trying to figure out what it meant that there were no kisses at the end. I literally analysed that for an entire evening. That might be a bit crazy I don't know. I am trying very hard not to be mental. Most people would describe me as cut and dry or unbending. I'm very understanding and patient with my close friends and family but I have this weird little part of me that has caused me to end friendships or relationships once I feel that a certain line has been crossed. The line is very complicated and I don't really even understand where it lies half the time So I am trying to be more understanding of people's problems and that they make mistakes.

    This is growth for me. I am my own strongest critic and I have, in the past, tried to fit everyone else around me into those rules. I'm coming to learn that it doesn't work like that. I hope this doesn't make me sound judgemental (or just mental) because I'm not. I'm finding it hard to explain.

    Anyway the long and short of what I'm trying to say with this ridiculously long, sleep deprived, overworked, textual vomit, is that I am trying to work out the line between being supportive and going on about it all the time. I'm actually quite quiet in real life but I do tend to ramble once I get going ;)
     
  11. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Today I'm wondering if those men who report feelings of depression and anxiety due to pmo have wondered about reinforcment? If pmo is something you turn to when you're feeling low/bored/stressed then you're giving yourself the dopamine rush so essentially a reward for those feelings. This must surely encourage the brain to keep creating these feelings so it can have it's reward? I'm just speculating but that may be the reason So many people feel depressed and anxious after continued pmo. Just a lunchtime thought.
     
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  12. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    That probably happens, although it's hard to say how many feedback loops the brain handles.
    I haven't watched all six of these, but the first couple were really good:
     
    Madwithstars likes this.
  13. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that Don. It was very informative. As an avid animal lover I do feel a bit bad for those poor rats. But I guess they probably had a whale of a time lol.

    Today has been a particularly rough day for me. I am feeling the effects of lack of good sleep this week. Plus I had to work in a really awful school today (supply teacher) so I've been very on edge all day. Its a particular school that can be a bit scary so I didn't feel very safe. Then the sugar cravings really kicked in. Doing the weekly shop I found that all the Christmas chocolate was out in force. In on a strict diet at the mo so finding a row full of terry's chocolate orange for a £1 was just unfair.

    On the plus side had a lovely long chat with the husband. We're learning how to be more open and that's something I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping we go from strength to strength in this area because it's something we both struggle with as individuals. I don't like showing weakness. But we're both learning that being weak and vulnerable with each other is a positive thing. I feel that honesty and openness is really starting to improve. So yay. Night night all. Here's to a good night's sleep (i hope)
     
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  14. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    Good to hear you ar having good chats and keeping the communication open and honest, it's the only way through this. X
     
  15. ichabodcr

    ichabodcr Fapstronaut

    DireMerl, I only wanted to tell you that what you are doing for (and with) your husband is a great thing.

    I got married recently, and I've been battling this addiction for over a year (the addiction dates further back, I've been fighting it for the past year), but never managed to talk about it to the amazing woman that is now my wife.

    I believe (maybe I'm wrong) that so far the addiction hasn't had much of an effect on our relationship, but for sure I'd be happy to have support from my wife. I just can't get myself to talk to her about it. I'm too afraid of the reaction and also I believe I'm at a stage when I'm eventually managing to pull out of it alone, so I hope I can just keep going strong and leave it behind soon.

    I just wanted to say I really admire the positive attitude you've managed to keep even when dealing with this. Don't give up, and the reward will be great for you and your recovering husband.
     
  16. Complete abstinence from masturbation and pornography even just playing around down there has to happen, forever. Forever. Then I bet there will be a large difference in you guys' relationship, positively.
     
  17. Also upon him googling up stuff about how he doesn't fancy his wife... Well you should put yourself through a rigorous training program both physically and mentally and then when he sees how beautiful you are afterward he will be much more motivated to stop his addiction. Relationship goes both ways.
     
  18. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone. Day five today whoop whoop. We're already getting better in terms of comunication.

    Bloodeagle I appreciate the sentiment. I actually struggle with my self image a lot. So as well meaning as that advice is, I feel like it's unfair to say I have to change some things. I realise that this will be a journey of growth for us both. But I feel like you're suggesting that I should try and "pretty" myself up and then my husband won't want to use pmo anymore. From everyone's journals I've read I don't think it works that way. I could be the most beautiful woman in the world and he would still be doing it. I'm not unatracive. I am overweight and I'm on a strict diet to fix that. That was my personal choice because I realised that it was making me miserable. I have always struggled with overeating and I use junk food in much the same way as an addict. I eat when I feel down and then feel guilty and disgusting. Which leads to more eating. This is something I am trying to change for my own growth.

    Anyone who decides they no longer 'fancy' someone is rather shallow in my opinion. What happens when couples get older and their bodies change? They get wrinkles or stretch marks from having children? Are we to believe that couples can't still have feelings for each other? Attraction comes from honest love and respect. Not just the physical meat on the outside. Thinking otherwise is part of the reason men get so sucked into pmo in the first place.
     
  19. Indeed, I see what you are saying. Perhaps I came across a little bit coarse. Well I understand, he should enjoy you for your intellect and personality.
     
  20. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    I think this is a very unfair thing to say, and really quite hurtful. Being on the receiving end of the betrayal and hurt this addiction causes is bad enough, people saying that if you just fixed your appearance maybe you would be treated better is so wrong on so many levels.
     

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