Recognizing and conquering our subversive behaviors

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  1. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I wanted to start a thread where we can expose our subversive baheaviors. These are behavioral patterns we possess and exhibit subconsciously or outright, that we have most likely engrained into our everyday lives, and harm us, others, or prevent us from achieving the best versions of ourselves possible. These have probably contributed to our addiction, and by shedding light onto them, I believe we can gain consciousness of and overcome them.

    I will go first, one is my avoidance. This has prevented me from doing what I thought was my fourth step of SA, but was really the disclosure letter to my wife and progresssing in my recovery. Two is diminishing my wife, when we were starting this group I sent a message intended to help question ones motives with regards to sexual acts. As part of that I made disparaging remarks about wife in regards to fellatio where I said she “hasn’t been that great at it. It also doesn’t help that her hands are tougher/rougher than mine.” I shared what I thought was a good response with her, but realized, not only was this shaming her, but it wasn’t even necessary to share. This led to her being upset, me trying to justify it by saying I was “open and honest”, which led to her being triggered because I was not only gaslighting her (making it her fault) but this was a typical reason I would use in saying hurtful things about or to her. While I’ve made a lot of progress, this was a set back for us. It certainly didn’t strengthen our intimacy, respect, or her security. Sure I owned it as much as possible, but it really took a couple of days to fully realize the damage and get to the root of it and to practice true empathy with her. The reality it is a gift to just hold her or touch her, let alone to have her touch me in a sexual manner.

    Now that you have some sobriety under your belt, what have you seen in you that needs work and to be cast out into the open?
    Trappist likes this.
  2. Well, for me perhaps the biggest thing has been the way I’ve unhealthily burdened my wife with my own emotional management. I wrote about it here, when I first fully realized what I was doing. Basically I would spew all my angry confused feelings on her, unprocessed, and expect her to talk me through it all, and calm me down and help me find a way forward. I saw it as being “open and honest” and sharing intimately. Now I see that it was crazy immature, and that I need to do a good bit of the calming down and untangling of my emotions myself, in my own mind. Then I can discuss stuff with her after it’s in a more presentable form.

    This is a huge negative pattern, and a hard one to break. I’m circling back on it again and again - falling into really bad moods, and needing to learn how to take the steps by myself to start climbing out of them.
    5ynic, NF4L and Trappist like this.
  3. I had to think on this.

    Currently I have less patience
    with those around me as I go through recovery. I spoke to long recovering SAA bro and have hope I can overcome this.

    This is coming up with clients as a frustration. In reading my 4th step starting last weekend I’m seeing this as one my charcter defects.
    Like booze, perhaps pmo helped me ignore this and manage it.

    My response has been to limit my contact with frustrating clients to shorter periods. Try to be more proactive to get results I need from frustrating co workers and employees.

    ‘The 7 traits of highly effective people’ , by Steven Covey, came today and I’m trying to incorporate.

    “Seek to understand first”.

    It just seems I have less patience and energy now at 63.

    NF4L I was thinking at first,
    “if a tree falls in the forest,
    is the man still wrong?”


    But you noted a gas lighting aspect.
    I think comparing our spouse to others is hard as it can cross insecurities or worse with BT.

    Our spouse are probably relentless in comparing themselves to others.
    One GF years ago compared her mouth opening sizes with a bff.
    I overheard that one, it’s probably done themselves,
    but we can’t.

    My SO will do things with me for love
    But if she feels unsafe, then all bets are off.

    I’ve said dumb stuff in recovery,
    But hasn’t come to mind now.

    Edit, I’ve seen the term flooded,
    and it describes how I feel when overloaded.

    Good question to consider.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2018
    NF4L likes this.
  4. Ok, now that you mention it...

    Yesterday, I was helping an SAA brother out at their house and with life360, my SO asked where I was and what we did.
    All I do is work and this was also work, too,
    But I took the liberty to quip, “we just compared porn stashes”. Not so haha to her.

    She said that was too close to home. I forget that as good as she takes my recovery work, she is still learning along with me and I need to be careful of her feelings.

    This brother has 10 years of sobriety.
    Awesome guy.

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