Recommitting Myself to God and Controlling My Life Again (journal)

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    I am 23 and have been suffering with porn addiction for a long time. I made it almost 5 years porn free, yet I fell back into it. My story is told throughout my previous postings on nofap over the past couple months. Today I relapsed after a month... I'm struggling to say the least. I was baptized 3 years ago and at the peak of practicing Christianity I remember feeling more wholesome, spiritual, and more honest than I had ever been. I miss these feelings deeply, I miss honesty, I miss my connection with God, I miss being a practicing Christian, I miss the connection with my wife... I miss a lot. So I'm here to reestablish my connection with God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I think this is the only option left in life that can cure me of this horrible sickness. Any and all advice you guys have to help me reestablish a connection with God and take care of myself will be welcome.

    Moving forward I'm going to establish what pornography and masturbation is to me. Pornography and masturbation are anything that has the intent to be sexually stimulating by any means.

    My promise to myself, God the Father, and Jesus Christ is that "I will not engage in pornography or masturbation."

    After reading some responses and advice, I hope to form a good foundation to work from, hopefully one that will not falter.
     
    again, jw2021, Buddhabro2.0 and 7 others like this.
  2. Excellent! I will be following your posts with great interest. I never truly lived until I lived free of PMO.

    Looking forward to walking alongside you through the weeks and months ahead!
     
    jw2021, hawken45 and Mr. Green like this.
  3. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    Please accept my sincere thanks for posting this. When I read your statement, "I made it almost 5 years porn free, yet I fell back into it", it reminded me that I must remain vigilant for the rest of my days on earth. Someone as inspired as you were by the Holy Spirit was no doubt on the devil's radar as he prowled about looking for an opportunity to drag you back into his snare. The devil never rests but thankfully Our Precious Lord has no problem defeating him on our behalf.

    As far as reestablishing a connection with God, I am sure you already know the answer. Prayer. Prayer from your heart. Many beautiful prayers have been given to us but be careful not to pray them mindlessly. Prayer by rote is rarely effective. Pray each phrase slowly and with thoughtful consideration. The number of prayers/words you say are not important. The fervor of each word is the essential measure.
     
    value, Tao Jones and SwedishViking like this.
  4. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your words and advice, I will be praying for aid and forgiveness this morning. I will be also asking the Lord to guide me moving forward. One time a deacon in my life compared people to a game of chess and how it's important to ask God to move you as one of the pieces. This analogy will be taking up a lot of space in my head today.
     
    CPilot likes this.
  5. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Read this today: "When you need God’s guidance, when you need answered prayer, pray with a heart of unconditional obedience. Then watch faithfully to see His answer."

    It really is a unique and mutually beneficial relationship you can have with God. Plain and simple, the more you invest into, the more you get out of it. I'm going to work on my unconditional obedience, prayer and thoughts of christian morals moving forward today.

    Day 1 went alright, I am a bit bothered by something though. When I look at random women I find it immensely disturbing when sexual thoughts pop into my head. I know this is a product of porn because when I remained sober of my addiction for a long period of time I rarely struggled with this. I will pray for relief from these thoughts and ask forgiveness.
     
    CPilot, value and Tao Jones like this.
  6. Don't worry too much about those thoughts. They are what they are. That's just where you are at right now.

    Commit to turning each thought over to Christ, refusing to entertain them in lust, and let him show you the lie in them. As you heart changes from constant exposure to Truth, your thoughts will change automatically. Over time, this will no longer be your immediate focus on seeing random women out in the world.

    Forgiveness is always available to us. Continue to seek it -- and Him! -- each moment of every day.
     
    hawken45, value and CPilot like this.
  7. value

    value Fapstronaut

    Hey @hawken45! Sorry for the rough experiences you're going through, I can relate to how you feel!

    I'm looking forward to running the race with you!
     
    CPilot likes this.
  8. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    FANTASTIC! I recently heard the incredibly obvious point, all of God's laws are based on a relationship with us. The most supreme being in our immense universe doesn't need me to comply with His commands. My actions are inconsequential to Him. However, God loves us to such an incredible degree He gave us these commands solely for our benefit. Although His commands have obvious benefits to ourselves and society, that is not their primary purpose. Rather, by obeying them we are showing love for Him by respecting and loving that element of Him which is in all men. When we obey the Lord, we remove the callus of sin from our heart and then we can feel His love to an ever greater degree. How wonderful to recognize, that was His plan all along!
     
    hawken45 and Mr. Green like this.
  9. 5 years of no porn is amazing. What factors may have caused a relapse after 5 years?
     
  10. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the kind words, I'll work on turning these thoughts over to Christ!
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  11. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Interesting, I always felt that I have to obey his commands, but I do see your point that indeed we do not. Instead it is just hugely to our benefit if we do!
     
    CPilot likes this.
  12. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Essentially the most stressful situation I have ever faced in my life and losing my connection with God. My first post on nofap gives the complete story. It took a lot to push me to this point, but here I am.
     
    WilliamTheChristian likes this.
  13. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Working on Day 3 now.

    Things are going ok.. Genuinely I have been speaking to God more and more and it feel amazing. Reinventing my relationship with God will be a lengthy process, but I'm all in and it is feeling pretty good!
     
    Tao Jones and value like this.
  14. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    Cherish these feelings. Commit their sweetness to memory. When temptation comes, recall how good it feels to be free as one more tool in your tool box to avoid sin. Congratulations, this is an important step! Well done!
     
    value likes this.
  15. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4

    Optimistic, motivated, and feeling backed by christ.... Will keep you posted
     
    Tao Jones, CPilot and value like this.
  16. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    So this will be one week, 7 days, free of porn. It feels pretty good. I'm going to continue to ask Christ for forgiveness and strength in combatting my addiction. I feel as if my spiritual connection is beginning to be established again.
     
  17. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    Great news! Keep striving forward brother.
     
  18. hawken45

    hawken45 Fapstronaut

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    Had a horribly rough week. Got sick (most likely covid), continued to work outside in the cold doing manual labor. I'm still sick and working. On the bright side it's day 12 and I'm still porn free. I'm reaching out to god today and asking for help. I hate my job and I work 12-13 hours mon-fri currently. Any motivating words you guys have today will be immensely welcome.
     
    SwedishViking likes this.
  19. Congrats on 12 days, thank God for that! I see you are in a difficult work-situation, is that something you pray about? I would also recommend the bible for motivating words, psalms, Isiah when it talks about the new earth. The letters of Paul. In that company with God I think you will find strenght to get through this.
     
  20. I've worked long days like that. It can be very difficult. Do you have any options for making a change?

    Congrats on nearly two weeks of freedom. That is worth a great deal!
     

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