Record of my triggers

Relapse!
OH MY MARX! I am really frustrated! I relapsed yeaterday. And with the chaser effect I relapsed twice today.
Just take a deep breathe. And calm down. Now I am going to write down the triggers, and what I felt in this two days.

 

Relapsing Analysis.
firstly, the trigger, I have to acknowledge that, is not only one point. Actually this is my first time go to my 13-days goal since I have joined this forum. I have beared the urge for a long time. it's strong and every time it comes, dealing it will cost much energy. I must understand this is not easy, and I need more method to handle this.

Now I'm thinking about the main trigger —— the panic of failure. That day, I failed in a event that is very important for my life，but I messed it up. it's not that bad, it just need I put more effort to improve it. But that day I just feel frustrated, I thought I was nothing, I just wanted to abandon all myself——I am depressed. but faliure is also valuable as success. It's not the problem that stop me but sign tell me the problem, it's just like the feeling I posted above earlier. I don't want to discuss it that much, I just want say——Accept failure and go on! Don't look back! The past only obscure the future.
Learn to fail, fail to learn—— Tal.

some felling after relapse. Actually, relapse is just a start, it turned on the switch of indulgence. I gave up work, played game all day, stayed up late, as a result I got up late, I didn't eat meal on time. Emmmm, these things seem it's not that worse as I feel. Maybe I just want to relax. But there is still something worse, trembling hands, meaningless, fantasy. these things makes me worry.

about reboot. there is really some special change in my mind.
Less weird fantasy, To my surprise, the frequency of fantasy breaks into my mind has decreased a lot, espcially some weird thing, as I struggle for avoiding porn, some supernormal or novel things hardly happen in my mind.
More positive, although my mood undergoes ups and downs, but in general, I feel more optimistic, I often think positively rather than passively. In past I may have learned-helplessness, meaningless. but during reboot it seems the urge took place of them, in this point, the urge deserves my spending-energy.
Energetic(Motivation) and tired(the urge). this maybe a little confusing, the Energetic means that, before reboot, I felt meaningless, I didn't have motivation to do anything, and I always felt tired in mind. but during reboot, I find this world is absolutely wonderful! Everything brings me different feelings, I want to try them all, they gives me motivation and makes me energetic. But during the reboot, the urge is really strong, I think the reason is that I used too much porn, and this is what reboot is made for to change, every time I try to control my urge, it takes much of my energy, I'm really too tired to do anything after that.
A strong sense against porn. Nofap let me understand an import thing——porn is not real, and it will only prevent me from what I really need——love and companion. With this thought. I am sure it's porn that is totally nonsense and harm. this thought helps me many times during the urge. There is nothing more interesting than knowing the truth, I think it will make a big use in my reboot.

So if I don't plan something, this analysis will just be forgetten.
KEY POINTS：
1.Strong urges will deserves more efforts!
2.Keep going! I am getting better!