Recovering addict, struggling with PE

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bolito, Oct 3, 2016.

  1. bolito

    bolito New Fapstronaut

    2
    1
    3
    Since starting NoFap a couple of months ago, I've suffered chronic PE. Before quitting, I PMO'd daily for 20 years. But PE was never an issue during sex.

    I haven't told my partner about NoFap and they are unaware of my past addiction. At first she was amused but now she is wondering why I can't last in bed. Even foreplay can trigger PE now.

    I can't tell her the truth - she'd be devastated. She doesn't know that I was addicted to Porn, and we've been together for over 10 years.

    With regards to PE, I workout often. I don't smoke, drink or take drugs. I eat good food. I've tried Kegels, stop/start, distraction etc.

    NoFap is amazing. Life is incredible now. But PE is starting to impact our relationship. Suggestions welcome.
     
  2. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    437
    720
    93
    My first suggestion is the one you don't want to hear, but I think is the most important for your relationship: disclose.
    Not every thing in the disclosure thread in my signature applies to your unique situation, but the most important elements do apply. There is a problem in your relationship and she deserves to know what it is. You should be careful about how you disclose, but it is the ethical, and intelligent, and loving thing to do. Fear will keep you trapped. SOs consistently report that lies, even lies of omission, are worse than the addiction.

    Once she knows, she can help. I would advise taking love making very slow and cautiously, retraining your body to respond appropriately. If that doesn't work, talk to a medical professional.
     
    bolito and Anona like this.
  3. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

    35
    95
    18
    Would you like her to lie to you ?
    Tell you it is "fine" and start tiring on your relationship in secret ?
    Tell her gently, tell her you are sorry you had misled her, but you are quitting for yourself and for your relationship, and the process have some side-effects. If you at the same time tell her she is even more hot now you are coming out of the porn-haze is it hard not to O at once, it will probably not hurt.
     
    bolito likes this.
  4. bolito

    bolito New Fapstronaut

    2
    1
    3
    Thanks guys. The disclosure thread is eye-opening. I've been thinking about how to frame my confession in a positive way. At the same time I'm so ashamed that I want to bury this secret forever.

    I hoped that others would say 'Relax, it gets easier with time', but I appreciate your responses and advice. I just need to find a way to come clean that won't destroy our relationship. We watched Don Jon together recently so I could secretly try and gauge her views on the subject. She was disgusted and thought J. Gordon-Levitt's character was a total creep.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Have you experimented with not absteining from masturbation? Perhaps if you stay porn free but allow masturbation then sex with your partner will be less pressured.
     
  6. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    437
    720
    93
    You can try beating off, but I respectfully don't think it will help the ultimate problem. PE is a symptom, not the pathology.

    The more time I spend recovering and watching other guys recover, the more I think the answer is hard mode. We've screwed up our brains, they have to detox from the sexual stimulation, and we have to fix our entire approach to sex. Porn is viewer oriented, goal driven, selfish reinforcement. Sex is about bonding. I think if you spend some significant time retraining your approach to sex, and keep it focused on your partner instead of getting your own release, the PE might resolve.

    Then again, I'm not an expert. Take whatever I say with the appropriate ration of salt.
     
  7. Major Tom

    Major Tom Fapstronaut

    23
    8
    3
    I think you may be kidding your self of the fact that she never knew. i could be wrong here but after all this time she may know you better then you know your self.
     
  8. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    416
    781
    93
    I disagree, I highly doubt she knew. my partner tried that line of thinking when I first confronted him, " come on, you knew I was using porn". To me this felt like an attempt to shift the blame. if I knew about and said nothing then it must not really be that big of a deal. I had found evidence of porn and figured maybe he used it once in a blue moon if sex with me wasn't a possibility. I wasn't thrilled with that scenario either, but if I had had any idea he was using it pretty much daily when, in our own sex life, he was "too busy" or "too tired" to put in the time and work to make sure I was getting off more then once every couple months, then the shit would have hit the fan MUCH sooner. Most women view this as a total betrayal, not like a harmless hobby, as most of the PA's initially view it.
     
  9. Selfdiscovery

    Selfdiscovery Fapstronaut

    586
    244
    43
    @bolito :
    Hi....I think the only way to resolve this is-disclosure!You didn't tell her so far just coz you didn't want her to hurt or let her feel bad about you.Better reveal it.After some time things will be improved.
    About PE ,I too ejaculated even without masturbation or touching,thats PE I think.But now after full abstinence I think it ok as I hv left everything about PMO.But we have to keep it practice and learn to enjoy that moment with our real partner.And when both think in same direction then things become very easy.i think this may help you.
    Good luck!
     
    Major Tom likes this.
  10. Major Tom

    Major Tom Fapstronaut

    23
    8
    3
    ok, I am learning thats why i am here
    Thanx
     
  11. Major Tom

    Major Tom Fapstronaut

    23
    8
    3
    H
    Hey Fuz I was just reading some of your posts they help me. so yes truly thanx for that
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  12. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    416
    781
    93
    Glad I could help..... :) I assume you are in a relationship then? Does your wife know about your addiction?
     

Share This Page