Recovering from injuries and shame of the past.

I I have never been someone who is comfortable with sharing what I've been through but seeing as how no one here knows who I am I take comfort in that anonymity.

I have been heavily addicted to porn for years... I was also sexually, verbally and physically abused by my father.

Masturbation for me started in my preteens... my first exposure to pornography was when I was probably 7 years old, it was a video that was hidden in one of my Transformers VHS cassette covers I vividly remember it because it was so different from anything I've ever seen before at that time...

This addiction has gotten so far out of control that I have trouble not masturbating multiple times a day...

I often wonder if my low self-esteem and low self-worth has any relationship to my porn addiction and chronic masturbation...

It's hard to tell someone that you hate everything about who and what you are but for me this is very real... if I could change anything about myself it would be EVERYTHING... I hate the way I look, I hate who I look like, I hate the complexion of my skin, and I hate the features of my body...

For me seeing those beautiful women committing such extremes sexual acts with a smile on their face whether it is acting or if some of them genuinely enjoy what they do... This often leaves me feeling empty, wondering if I could ever find someone who would love to do that too and with me... some days are better than others and some days are worse... having a history of bad sexual relationships has left me feeling very jaded and guarded against anyone ever wanting to be with me... I have never had a healthy relationship, I was always being used in some form or fashion...

now I am a single parent and I have to be a good example for my kid... I wonder if this is really possible to continue doing the right thing while hating everything about yourself at the same time...