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Recovering PA seeking advice - should I share my fantasies with my SO?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Dec 8, 2020.

+TenPercent should

  1. Not look at porn and not share the fantasies

    1 vote(s)
    14.3%
  2. Not look at porn, stop masturbating, and not share the fantasies

    2 vote(s)
    28.6%
  3. Not look at porn, but share the fantasies

    4 vote(s)
    57.1%
  4. Other. See response

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. This is a serious question and I could really use some advice, especially from the partners of porn and sex addicts.

    I was in hardmode recovery when I met my current girlfriend and made it about a year without porn and many months without masturbation or orgasm. I envisioned that I would never PMO again and that we would just do karezza. Well, it didn't work out that way.

    We've been together for over a year now and only have sex once or twice a month. In some ways, I'm okay with that, but it certainly feels better when we connect more often and I worry that she would prefer to have sex at least once or twice a week. Also, when we do have sex, I'm more inclined towards slow, karezza style love making while she wants to "get nailed" (her words). It's hard for me to do that unless I'm really aroused.

    (I should note that we don't really talk about sex much. It's uncomfortable. She knows that I am in recovery and doesn't want details. I think she avoids having sex with me for fear of causing a relapse. She is strongly against porn, but okay with masturbation. Over the last few [covid] months, I have repeatedly slipped with masturbation and sometimes porn, with the dubious presumption that doing so might kick start my libido).

    We're both in our forties and I think this is not an unusual problem - an otherwise happy couple that rarely has sex. The male partner wanting to connect, but struggling to get aroused.

    Whether it's porn induced or not, I have developed some questionable fetishes. In past relationships I shared these fetishes and role-played them with my partner. I hear couples often share their fantasies, but should I share mine? I did tell my partner when we first started dating that I my addiction was rooted in emasculation, sissy and cuckold fantasies . . . but that I was trying to heal from that. I'm sure that I am much healthier than I have ever been, but would it be a good idea to take these fantasies out of the closet and share them with my girlfriend? I want to want to make love to her. I want to be aroused with her. But our reality is a somewhat sexless relationship while my fantasies continue to distract and arouse me.

    Any advice or experience would be much appreciated.
     
  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    951
    1,181
    123
    She is being honest with you about how she like it. You can be honest with her about the way you like it. Some days you can have sex the way you like it and some days the ways she likes it.

    Do you like having a sexless relationship? Do you like having sex with her only the way she likes it? Why aren't you aroused with her? Are you really enjoy sex together or is just something you do to get some and move on with your day?
    You need to make yourself a lot of question and start figuring out what you want and take action to get what you want.
    A lot of people settle for mediocrity because is easier to accept that than taking action to get more that what you are getting. Don't be like that.
     
    DannyMalibu and +TenPercent like this.

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