Recovery Can Only Occur With Absolute Honesty

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by GG2002, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    And by that I mean first with yourself and second with those around you. As an ex SO when In reading some of the thought processes of pmo addicts entering into the dating world or in new relationships in this forum thinking it’s okay to lie to their partners and twisting themselves into pretzels to try to justify their behavior I think the title of this post bears repeating. People often comment that I’m being harsh or not supportive but I just can’t see how anyone can encourage or support lying or hiding important things from people to protect themselves and say that’s a good idea? Here’s some things I have come up with.
    1. Being a PMO addict is like being any other addict and it is something that 99.9% of people would want to know entering into a relationship. Would you want to know if your partner was a crack addict?
    2. Yes you need to disclose it even if she does not ask you specifically about it. It does not matter what you think it matters what she does.
    3. Yes it is lying when you do not tell someone something you know or suspect they would want to know.
    4. You can’t say that you are not sure if they would want to know because I am telling you they do and if you are not sure and don’t believe me err on the side of caution and tell her.
    5. It should be disclosed before people become attached emotionally so usually prior to sex.
    6. She will find out. Let me repeat again she will find out and if she does not find out from you it will hurt a lot worse.
    7. If she is going to not accept you for who you are then she never will. Give yourselves both the benefit of not feeling that pain years later and tell her early on. No you will not wow her with your amazing personality. No woman likes to be duped. It’s like guys online who add 5 inches to their height. Yes she will notice and while she may have been totally fine with your short stature she’s not okay with dating a liar and now that’s what you are. No amount of personality will fix that.
    8. You are likely to relapse no matter what stage of pmo recovery you are in. So even if you think that it’s so far in your past life that it will never effect this relationship you still need to tell her. Relationships have a funny way of causing added stress and pushing you back to addiction.
    9. No past addiction does not define you but you also can’t rewrite history. If you are not sure if you should tell her something ask yourself how she would feel if she heard this 10 years from now from another source. Because again she will find out. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone did the same to you?
    10. Learn to think about how others feel and how your actions effect them. The ability to empathize is a huge tool necessary for good relationships.
    11. Be okay with putting others feelings above yours.
    12. Yes sex does matter to women. Yes your ED problems in whatever form will substantially effect your partner and your relationship.
    13. But if you are honest the right woman will happily help you overcome your ED.
    14. No she’s not a bad person if she chooses to leave you. No a good woman will not stand by you while you lie and continue in your addiction.
    15. Do not make excuses for your addiction.
    16. Do not blame others for your addiction.
    17. Offer her resources to learn about your addiction.
    18. Do not refuse to discuss your addiction
    19. True intimacy will never be possibly without total honesty. If you don’t have honesty all you have is a pretend relationship that will eventually with certainty fall apart.
    20. Pretending to be someone you are not is exhausting as is lying. Life is so much easier when you are yourself.
    21. Answer all her questions and don’t be evasive.
    22. Yes pmo is a big deal and pied even a bigger deal it kills relationships. Do not diminish this in your mind as a justication to not tell her.
    23. And finally Know that there is a woman that will love you and accept you for everything that you are including your flaws. Pretending to be someone you are not may get the girl but it will not keep her. Owning your past and not being ashamed of who you are is a very attractive quality.
     
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  2. Just a guy too

    Just a guy too Fapstronaut

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    Wow, excellent. This post should be pinned.

    I frequently question whether I have the right to date knowing there is a possibility that my addiction/myself could cause harm to the woman I become attached to. That said I really enjoy being in a good relationship with a woman. Catch 22.

    My thoughts are to go into a relationship with total, open, amazing honesty. I am actually looking forward to this, as super honesty opens up potentially amazing conversations not even related to porn addiction.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to create this post GG2002. You're awesome.
     
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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  4. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    i disagree............. most women cant handle the truth most women dont get attracted to male emotional weakness. its better i solve my ED problems first before i open up to her about PMO addiction. that way she knows im man enough to accept responsibility for my addicttion
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Of course you disagree, you are an addict who clearly has not reached full recovery yet. You have to be honest with your partner that is the foundation of any relationship. How can you believe that you can lie to your partner and have that relationship work? You say most women cannot handle it. So you are agreeing with me that this is something that most women would want to know before dating a potential partner, because it may change their decision to stay in a relationship. So you think it’s better to lie to someone, by keeping something from them and duping her to be in a relationship with someone that’s not you. Is your self esteem that low that you have to pretend to be someone you are not to get the girl? You can proceed as you please, but this is very selfish, putting yourself above the relationship and the other person in the relationship. You are not protecting her at all from seeing your weakness, the only person you are protecting is yourself. I also disagree that women are not attracted to men with emotional weakness, quite the opposite. Most women are attracted to a man that can allow himself to be vunerable with her. Because being vunerable is the only way to fall in love and become one. And news flash, all men are vunerable and all men cry. We know this already, and we expect it becasue men are human beings. You think you are hiding some sort of secret that you are weak and vunerable just like the rest of the human population from her? I am here to tell you you are not, she already knows who you are. If the person you are with does not know a huge secret about you like this, you will always be hiding your true self and your relationship will most certainly fail because it is built on lies. Would you rather be a liar or perceived as weak? Would you rather date a liar or someone that was weak? I cannot think of one woman that would rather date a liar. Not telling her does not make the fact that you are weak, and an addict with ED go away, you still are both of those things. We are all weak, men and women. But who you are is still who you are and lying about it even if you recover on your own from ED (which is highly unlikely) will cause her to feel very betrayed when she finds out that you had an addiction you chose not to share with her.

    If you are having ED problems in bed, trust me she is already considering leaving. She thinks its her fault. It makes her feel horrible. PMO addiction at the very least gives her an explanation for the ED that is not her. And if you are in a long term relationship it is impossible to recover from ED without the help of your partner. I know I cannot reach most men, and in a few years you like a large number of men on here will be back on this site saying their wives or partners left them because they lied about the PMO and how horrible they feel and why they cannot figure it out. The delusions of addicts are strong. What I am saying is the truth, and I know you do not like it because you do not want to hear it. She will find out. When she finds out you have been lying to her for so long, the betryal will be too much to handle. And telling her that she can’t handle men who are vunerable is going to met with “that’s total bs.”
     
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  6. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    your post takles this problem form a position of weakness.............
    of course you are the type of guy who belives everything women tell you. PIED is simply cured by stopping PMO your erection return back as a natural healing process. i assure you 99.9% of women dont want to know because all you have to do is stop watching and matsurbating to porn. i disagreed with your post primarily because you suggested bringing it up from day 1. i never suggested you lie outrightly when confronted with the question. its only a fellow PMO addicts (which includes 1% of females) that can truly help you. because they understand. for me part of recovery from porn addiction involves knowing how to be tactful with women and that doesnt include emasculating yourself because you have a problem she barely understands.
    i used to smoke, drink and do drugs i asssuuuuuuuureeeeeeee you people who dont understand dont want to hear any moaning regarding that. it doesnt mean you should lie about how you feel but it should not be like youve put the responsibilty of recovery on someone else.
    if anyone focuses in HIS OWN recovery 1st before venturing out into relationships i assure you you will never share this problem with a partner from a position of weakness.
    even if she eventually knows she should be comforted by the fact that her man never for once required that she bears the burden of helping you and may end up helping you out of respect than pity
    also we are not talking of cancer here, or physical disability. from what ive learnt on nofap.com its purely psychological
    advice like yours will probably leave most single fapstronauts single for a long time
    NB: no offence bro im just being honest with my thoughts
     
  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Fair, I waited until a week into meeting him to tell my husband about my anorexia and sexual trauma's. But I told him about those things because I knew that it affects a relationship if you choose to enter one. I think her point was you tell them before the BF/GF stage happens. Like, if you want to make someone you BF/GF you let them know before they choose to commit to a relationship. PMO affects way more than your dick. It makes guys emotionally distant and unable to think or emphasize with their partners most times. It's very sad to be in a relationship with a PMO addict who still is in a porn fog... it's very painful.

    ALSO women love guys who can express their emotions. Guys who can't be open and honest and deep with their emotions (aka wont cry in front of you) are the biggest turn off to most women. Sure they might be a great one night stand but they are most often in a womans mind not relationship material.

    And also by telling someone your problem that doesn't mean they have to help you. They may just respect the honesty and wish to be updated on any relapses and let you do your recovery. Some women might actually want to help because it creates a bond. So many women react in very different ways.
     
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  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Right and my post did not say day 1 but early on in the relationship before you become intimate. You have to reveal these important things.
     
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  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I’m female and I dated a pmo addict so I am speaking from personal experience. So is the poster below me. If you jump over to the SO forum you will see you are dead wrong about the way women feel about this. 99% of women want to know and feel betrayed later in the relationship when they do find out. We are all weak to err is go be human. I am telling you as a woman weakness is not a turn off. And even if it is we would rather have that than date a liar.

    Failing to reveal something to someone you know they would want to know no IS LYING! Again if you don’t believe me head over to the SO forum. And most women will not ask if you are addicted to porn that’s not a thing people ask. Would you ask if someone was addicted to crack. And what question is specific enough? Do you have an addiction have you had one in the past? Just be honest.

    And since it appears you have found the cure to pmo then why don’t you share I mean if it’s so easy to just quit porn and have your ED go away why are there so many people on NoFap? Has your ED gone away?
     
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  10. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    if its going
    i beleive most people on NoFap are in it because of relapses.i have PIED but it gets better with long streaks of abstinances one time lat year i went 2 months plus and my dick was basically in over drive. unfortunately then i was dating a really promiscuous lady who wasnt ready to settle so all that sexually energy was channelled to another pmo relapse. im actually looking to do a full 90 day abstinance from pmo before trying sex. i plan telling my current girlfriend that im not ready for an unwanted pregnancy and im trying to focus on fixing other problems in my life before i start getting sexual also we just strted dating so the rush for sex is not really a priority. according to you guys im lying to her. but for me im being tactful. she will get her chance to know all. if she is not intuitive enough to ask the master question now then let sleeping dogs lie till when its time for them to be awake.
    ive noticed most women fall for guys who they see try solve their problems without their help and end up supporting them bcos the effort is there. i assure you i wont be in a relationship now if all my demons were opened all at once. it takes time and the chemistry is supposed to open all those things at the right time (usually after a significant amount of time)
     
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Out of curiosity what would you say back if she said she was on the pill and had condoms? My first bf told me he didn't want to have sex with me because of pregnancy... later on I found out he uses porn..... I now know why he didn't want sex with me, it wasn't because he "didn't want an unplanned pregnancy" and it sucks to realize that.

    Also, is that a real reason you don't want to have sex or is this something you're just telling her to buy yourself time? And, you are omitting why you aren't having sex with her (the pied) which is lying...
     
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  12. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    its really the reason although im not a condom lover, and pills make women fative always preferred raw natural sex. i agree that its lying. im hoping she is not going to wonder why. on second thoughts maybe telling her i want to get a good streak of pmo 1st before sex would be better but as i said. being from a position of weakness
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    It’s lyin
    So you are going to tell your girlfriend that you are not ready to have a baby and that’s why you want to hold off on sex but the real reason is because you are doing a 90 day porn reboot? Come on dude that’s lying! And she’s likely going to press you on not having sex! Then what? It is not intuitive to ask if someone is addicted to porn? You know that and you are banking on the fact that she won’t ask then when she does found out you will say but you did not ask me specifically so it’s not lying! Let me know how that goes.

    Your post demonstrates that you have had many relapses so just as I pointed out this is not a linear process. You have never stopped pmo for more than 2 months but yet in 90 days you are going to be totally cured and have no issues again? I know you can’t see this but this thought process is delusional and it’s your addict mind playing tricks on you. It will tell you anything to trick you.

    Lying is a very unattractive trait. Many people will date a porn addict but no one wants to date a liar. And you are lying. You can’t recover from an addiction in a relationship without telling your partner you are hiding a huge part of who you are. If your girlfriend was a crack addict and trying to quit and did not tell you joe would you feel?
     
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  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Are you saying fat you think the pill makes a woman fat? Because A that’s not true it causes weight gain in some but not all and B you don’t get a say in if your girlfriend takes the pill. Many women take it for medical reasons, cramps, etc. you are entering a relationship knowing you are going to lie! That is so unfair to her. I understand you are weak and struggling but why bring another innocent person into your misery? Don’t date until you are strong enough to be honest.
     
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  15. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    i get your points i promise i'll open up but it wont be spontaneous
     
  16. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    ill understand the reluctance
     
  17. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    tell me more
     
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Here’s what I suggest go over to this post https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...which-do-you-want-expect.145398/#post-1186967. And read some of the posts by addicts now in recovery as well as SO’s. I also suggest you read some of the journals or reach out to some of the other men that are in recovery. What you will see is that when you are an addict, your whole mindset is set up to keep you addicted. So your mind says “its not that bad. It’s just porn.” Or “she is never going to find out.” “I am going to beat this as soon as I stop porn my ED will go away.” “It’s not lying if she does not ask.” Your mind wants you to keep getting those dopamine hits, to keep feeding your addiction. Just reading you say that you don’t have problems with relapses but then that you have never been clean for more than 2 months. How does that mean you don’t have problems with relapses? Or that if she does not ask specifically that’s not lying? If you minimize your behavior if you tell yourself these lies, then it’s a lot easier to slip up. Oh its not that big of a deal let me watch some PMO. The point of NoFap is that maybe just maybe you can snap out of it enough for one minute to hear what we are saying. To the non addict mind what you are saying above is preposterous and does not make logical sense. But in your mind, it does I get that. That’s the addicted thinking. You can see how addicts change once they are in recovery. You have the benefit of knowing you have a problem. Many men have no clue that porn addiction is a thing, but you do, so you can be honest and fix it early on.
     
  19. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    i dont remember saying that maybe you should quote me. i actually said thing main reason people are in nofap is because of relapses
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Right followed by “I have PIED but it gets better with long streaks of abstinences [sic] one time ...” and your comments in your second post that PIED is easy to overcome all you have to do is stop watching porn. To me that says I’m not like other addicts I can stop easy. But I’m not sure what this matters? Your biggest and most problematic delusion is that your SO won’t find out. Did you read the comments from addicts on the post I sent you? They all wish they had been honest.
     

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