Recovery Journal

Yeah, got a feeling that will is stronger than the body.Meditation efforts hit a plateau.Ain't easy to keep clean -temptations to watch P are quite strong.I guess they are triggered by the slightest feeling of boredom.

 

day17.Increased willingness to take a risk growing for a last couple of days.

 

Day 18.Well it was a hot day and a one heavy sleep.It's hard to study when it's 30c inside.Willpower is good and everyday gets better

 

day 19.Underslept,pushed myself to much and probably gonna get speeding ticket,just couldn't realize they have changed speed limit of the road overnight and it took me some 5 minutes down the road to realize there are new signs ...

 

Days 20-25 Bloody heat and a house move.This combination is testing you to thwe extreme.Got 31 C in my room an its hard to sleep like that.

 

Day 31 relapsed :-(

 

Once you allow weakness lust takes advantage of it and starts expanding it untill you cannot withstand it and collapse.To start fire you don't need a fire-thrower simple match will do and sometimes even something smaller.Gotta be aware and alert at all times.

 

I think that until you are firmly set in the 'right' way you have every day remind yourself of why you are doing this and why you avoiding that for as soon as you forget even for a while an old behavior tends to return.

 

Day 1.Didn't feel bad really.I was full of energy and quite clear headed.I guess it might be some kind of 'once in a month' syndrome.Still,didn't do any meditation and slept quite well comparing to the previous relapse after 19 days.

 

Day 2.Slept alright.The temptations to repeat are still lingering in the air.Tried meditate but was not going well-concentration needs an improvement.Sleepy through the day dont know if its an aftereffect or weather influence.

 

RELAPSED Day 0 Again.I guess tt's because of the wet dream tonight haven't had them for years and I think they have a similar effect as PMO and they are Lust related through accumulated exposure to sex,masturbation,sexual excitement/arousal and watching porn,nudity etc. as it relates to the memory.I guess once you got mud on your closes you don't care much about cleanliness anymore, that night 'shit' felt like mud on me.

 

Day 1.Irritation in the bladder makes urges to go for a slash more pronounced.Mind jumpy- a lot of ideas a little accomplishments.
...and memory a bit destabilized ,hopefully a good night sleep will fix the matter.

 

day 2.Chaser effect is still here,I guess first few days are quite hard,because of the thought -'you've fallen why not stay down and enjoy wallowing in the mud'.

 

day 3.Mental focus improved,no big urges..memory improved too.

 

day 4.full of energy.

 

day5.had i little party yesterday and today feel a bit tired although i slept for 6.5 hours

 

day 6.feel relaxed .had 8.5 hours of sleep last night.

 

Day 7.Had a garden party and drank myself with neighbors into oblivion.It took me 24 hours of pain to get through.Stomach wasn't working for about 24 hours,don't even remember how I got to bed.Positive moment-got a strong determination to never do it again.