Recovery Journal

Thanks for your help Jarad! I really appreciate it.I have noticed that almost all negative feelings like depression, fear,worrying etc. are connected with strong urges to relapse(its similar to alcohol drinking to forget your problems and hard feelings) the and if you keep ignoring them they keep intensifying until you are over the edge and fall(usually in slow-motion style feels like one little hook grows and spreads while the power pulling you down becomes huge).
..now I'm using self-talk to stop myself chasing after beautiful members of the fair sex.In the style-no,no,no.
I had a huge urge this morning so i went for a long run(well not really just 4 miles),which helped a bit but at the expence of my leg muscles going numb from tiredness.Later on I tryed to go through my own challenge to make 1111 push ups through the day ,but after 180 I felt relaxed and unwilling to do anything and a bit like if you got a cold or flu.Now I had my lunch and feel a bit better.

 

Day 4.Slept so so waking up dozens of times, not getting out of bed but continuing to lay with closed eyes for 10 hours (8pm till 6am).Now I'm thinking about definition of the word masturbation.Well this is what I found-
'Masturbation is the sexual stimulation of one's own genitals for sexual arousal or other sexual pleasure, usually to the point of orgasm. The stimulation may involve hands, fingers, everyday objects, sex toys such as vibrators, or combinations of these. Mutual masturbation is masturbation with a sexual partner, and may include manual stimulation of a partner's genitals, or be used as a form of non-penetrative sex.'
Well this is quite to the point apart from word sexual before stimulation,it's just stimulation normally util they reach boiling temperature and ejaculate.Out of this definition follows that porn and sexual fantasies are acting like an initial stage of masturbation by giving your genitals stimulation on a mental/emotional level which in turn affects you physically as an erection.Sexual fantasizing acts in the similar way.Out of here follows that porn and sexual fantasies as well as long gazing on the attractive members of the opposite sex is masturbation.
So where does this lead us to-If you go out and keep gazing on the bottoms and breasts of the attractive girls on the street you do in fact masturbate.

 

Day 5.Slept so-so,probably because of some sort of cold or flu,taken aspirin in the morning to feel better.No big urges.Studied PMO ,done workout outdoors(after push ups felt my left shoulder for a while) and did some intermittent fasting(skipped my breakfast).

 

Day 6.Slept a bit better,aspirin and paracetamol through the day.Skipped breakfast again.No PTP anymore.

 

Day 7.Slept better,no medicines today.Recovered from whatever it was.Invented abbreviations NTL and NET.
p.s. Skipped breakfast again.

 

Day 8.Slept so so because of the caffeine containing drink in the evening.Woke up at 11pm and just lay down with closed eyes for another 5 hours.Skipped breakfast again for the 4th day in the row.

 

Hey Jarad nice to have a word from you! Well done 116 days !Yesterday I started a challenge called 'Sleeper Challenge' check it out it might help you to stay strong .

 

Day 10 .Slept not too bad and feel quite optimistic.I just started to realize how much understanding is better then willpower especially when it comes to defeating PMO.

 

Day 11.Slept alright.Sometimes people using a lot of drugs/alcohol to see the ugly person as acceptable to deal with.Question- what bloody drugs we are using to see PMO as acceptable to deal with? Do we really see ourselves for what we really are?Do we really aware of the situation we are in in life? Where did the knowledge to draw conclusions and come up with decisions come from?

 

Day 12 .Slept alright.Question to consider is-What is the right amount of workout?What is the right measure of food?

 

Day 13 .Slept alright.In everything you do it is important to quickly separate essential info from shells ,like when you are driving if too much stuff is happening at the same time it stresses you out quite significantly or in juggling-everyone is capable to juggle with 2 balls but just add one more and amount of those who can goes down significantly.To stay in the loop you gotta know right success ways both in theory and in practice..

 

Day 14.Slept alright.Feel tired and a bit worried in the evening.

 

Day 15.Slept with a dreams - one of my relatives managed to put on my head some weird new tech torturing device but luckily battery there got flat and I managed to take it off my head,next thing the woman from my past tried to make love to me but I refused and woke up with a strong hard on.Oooh those dreams, sometimes they make you think hard in trying to get their meaning.
Later through the day I practiced mantra singing whilst driving and found myself more able to see other people as brothers and be kind to them, more patient where usually I tend to take an advantage of the situation and do it as fast as i can (without violating the rights of others of course). The mantra I used was - Om mani padmei hum.

 

Day 16.Slept with dreams was receiving award for something at the meeting and the woman who was congratulating me and I started kissing and I woke up realizing its a dream.That's interesting-2 nights in a row temptations in the dreams.

 

Day 17.Slept with dreams of war and fighting.Getting better and better physically.
Found that this nofaps banner is rather hypnotizing people into relapse than preventing it:
Look, it's elementary psychology mind is usually ignoring don't .Like in the -Don't think about big red apple.For me the message of this banner(without don't it's-need porn,want to use it badly) is just wrong on this site.It's like a bad joke and negative psychology in action.The positive one in my mind would be -'Stay clean from PMO, it's a poison to your health' or 'You need healthy way to cope with stressful situations in life and you want to stay in good health with high self-esteem'.

 

Day 18.Slept with interrupted sleep,felt like when you catch a cold-chest pain(took some paracetamol),sweating and waking up few times through the night.In the morning apart from PMO studied drug addicts withdrawal symptoms after prolonged use of heavy drugs-It sounded much worse than withdrawal from PMO symptoms.

 

Day 19.Slept with dreams,women,advances...luckily woke up to stay sound and dry.Good bodily endurance throughout the day but mind was lagging a bit behind.I guess it's because the endurance sometimes has a high tiredness and muscles aches attached as a price-tag.

 

Maybe it's because of the inertia of the old life which I try escape from but prove myself dodging to dream about what I want quite consistently .Probably it stresses me out and drives worries into my mind,somr sort of anxiety for what will happen in the future.Because of the faith without action for years...
and maybe it is long term PMO effect on the brain,where it takes what it takes for the brain to recover normal sleeping patterns.