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Reebooting with wife. Needy and shameful.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Karl Brego, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. Karl Brego

    Karl Brego New Fapstronaut

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    Im reebooting for my first time. 30 days now, no PM. Had sex with my wife tho, about 2 weeks ago. Weve been married for 16 years and have kids. Last years have been all about fighting, not much sex.

    Ive told her about my PM habits. She was kind of relieved (so she was not too blame), and kind of angry and disturbed (because ive been lying a lot). Im very ashamed cause things have been hard for us many years, and shes been quite sick (mentally) too. I used to think I was very supportive and nice, but now my view of things have been turned around.

    Now, suddenly, Im so insanely into her. I wish I could have sex with her all the time! I try too cuddle and massage her feet and stuff and do everything she asks me. I feel like a horny buttler! We have had sex 2 times during my 30 days of reebooting. Which was awesome. But im nonethless disturbed and craving every day. Thats when im not eaten up by shame and crying. Its one of those two. Its very black or white. Either Im a stud or Im a worthless piece of shit.

    This weekend the kids were sleeping over at grandmas. I felt quite certain that it would be sex during this time. I couldnt think of anything else. But she wasnt ready for it. And after a lot of butler stuff and foot rubbing, she said «sorry I dont want too have sex with you now. Im kind of angry thinking about all that porn stuff of yours». I said «ok. Thats understandable». So I went to another room and cried my heart out. She came to comfort me. I told her to go away, that she never should have married me, that she thinks Im awful.... and stuff like that. Than I ran out of the house. (Haha... very adult)

    Now Im kind of baffled. Whats going on with me? Im not used to being this drama queen. Im also depressed and afraid, thinking that my wife will never really like me again, at least not the way I like her.

    In two weeks were going to a family therapist. Im terrified! Seriously!
     
  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Typical nice guy. Woman don't want a butler.. don't want a nice guy. they want the "bad guy", the guy that stand up for themselves, the guys they cannot walk all over them. You are nothing like that in this momento, you are a horny dog trying to f*k his leg. This is a big turn off for woman.

    Like woman do when they are run by their emotions. Woman don't want a man to comfort, they are drag to guy they can go and be comfort with, she already have child, she doesn't want another one.
    If you act feminine she have no option to be the masculine figure in the relationship, the one with all the power and woman don't like that! woman want to be with a masculine man, so they can be in her feminine side, were they are really comfortable and very passionate with his man.

    Want to have more sex? stop fighting with her, listen to her. Understand what she is feeling, you are arguing logically while she is arguing with her emotions.. A woman love a man that understand them. Try to open her up and tell you the real reasons she is mad at you. Let her speak up her feelings, she is going to feel a lot better and will feel more close to you, she will feel understand, she is going to be more comfortable with you, and when she is, the legs opens.

    If you change your behavior towards her not only you are going to start having more sex, you are going to have a better relationship with her and a happier wife.
     
    capyx and PlaneJumpyDude like this.
  3. Karl Brego

    Karl Brego New Fapstronaut

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    You serious!? What a crap ass comment! You read my post thinking I was supprised my approach didnt work out better?

    Ive been with my wife for 22 years. Never been a typical alpha dog. She still married me ok. We have been through more ups and downs than you can imagine.
     
  4. Commendable to seek help from a therapist. No need to be afraid. This is the time for everything to be let out and I think you'll be surprised how little weight they carry after the laundry is aired. It's possible it will take you and your wife quite some time to "heal" from the damaged caused by your PMO. Continue to own your mistakes, and be patient with her.
    Good luck and congratulations.
     
  5. @p1n1983 has some valid points IMO but he could have said it in a nicer way.
     
    tryingmybest17 likes this.
  6. Karl Brego

    Karl Brego New Fapstronaut

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    Hmm. Well, it was neither nice or wise if you ask me. Some valid points, some not. The valid points were obvious (talk to your wife about feelings). But thats the problem with forums I guess. No guarantee for good advice.
     
    Gef.71 likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Glad you saw through some of his comments. From a betrayed wife, who has walked for years with her husband on this road. When you start to get clean, you quit getting high, you quit numbing out. The fog lifts and you start to “ feel” again. You become emotional. This will level out. You start to see that you weren’t this great guy all along like you’ve been telling yourself you are. I’m not saying your bad, just that when you’re using you lie to yourself as well as others. You create a fantasy “ you”. Now, without the crutch of pmo, you have to discover who you really are. What your wife is going through is similar. She has had a view of you that has been destroyed. I could go on and on, but yes what you are going through is normal, no it will not stay this way, there will be a lot of changes if you stick with recovery, a lot!
     
  8. Hey Karl, welcome to the forum!

    When I first quit and abstained from O for a period of time I used to find myself getting very emotional. My wife sometimes referred to it as "penis rage". I would sometimes find myself getting angry to the point that I wanted to just lash out and destroy things, followed by feeling so sad I wanted to cry.

    I think a lot of it was down to hormones. You've been used to repressing your hormones with regular PMO and they've likely never built up to this kind of level before. It has definitely balanced out as time has gone on and I think that is partially due to me learning to enjoy feeling a natural sense of desire again.

    Obviously there is also the relationship and emotional side of things. It's good that you seem to be acknowledging the damage your actions have caused and feeling remorse. It takes a lot of time to come to terms with that and it will likely never disappear completely. I found it helpful to stay focused on making positive changes for the future and learning from my previous mistakes.

    Your wife is likely going to be going through a lot of betrayal trauma and again there is no quick fix for this. For a while my wife was completely disgusted by the idea of ever having sex with me and was completely regretting the fact that she married me. Try to talk to her as much as possible and understand how she's feeling. You have to show her that this recovery is about more than just sex. It's not about papering over the cracks in your relationship but rebuilding it into something stronger.

    I hope your therapy goes well. Best of luck with your journey!
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is so true. When my husband first started recovery, he began to self harm because he didn't know what to do with all the feelings he suddenly felt. Therapy was a huge help to him.
     
    SequinHistory likes this.
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i saw that you allready had some good replies about alot of things. But one thing I wanted to add is in respons to you feeling so into your wife, wanting to have sex all the time. And I dont say its a universal truth but I do know that the addiction can turn that way. Like PMO is not okey, but sex is and sex is a dopamine fix aswell.

    I guess what I'm saying is that the addiction can make you more into your wife than normal, becouse it sees her as a way of getting a fix. So figuring out why you want her, like is it just plain hornyness or is it love and intimacy you seek? And I would encourage you to only act on the feelings that are more of the loving kind, becouse this early on its hard to separate addiction cravings from a normal sex drive.

    And ofc respect her boundaries, ultimately she should decide when you have sex or not without pressure from you.
     
  11. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    Shame is a terrible emotion. It makes us feel worthless. Combined with guilt, it is lethal. You need to be extremely alert to your thoughts that are the source of these killer-emotions. They're of no use to anyone. Not to your wife, not to yourself, or your kids. If you really want to help your loved ones, forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and be proud and thankful of every step you make.
    It is a big undertaking to recover from a crisis this big, as I know from my own experience. The last thing you need is your mind telling you all these lies about how bad a person you are. You aren't. It's just an old pattern that caught you, probably from your youth. Seek help, if it becomes too big for you. Professionals helped me a lot.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2020
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  12. BreakingDawn

    BreakingDawn Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps now, 22 years later, she wishes she had married an alpha dog.
     
  13. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    IDK if being with an alpha man like me would of been for her neither.

    Don't know the whole story but she set you up it appears she knew kids gone no excuse I can see for her not to have sex with you. Sad.

    like my wife tried to get even with me from past passive agressive anger rejecting me as her only recourse.

    I would not of went off and cried I would of tried making more advances. If she still don't want to I would say if you don't want me that's fine but don't get mad if I go find another and you drove me to it.

    May sound harse but a man has needs she thinks has power but only hurting her self and would probably do it leave for awhile .

    I did that went out picked up a woman made me feel that I was still wanted attractive to other women.

    Being rejected is very painful but in my case I was fed up better be divorced than be permantly rejected if women only knew how much they are hurting men.

    Not using my wife as an excuse but my PMO rate went through the roof when she cut me off sexually because of thyroid issues no energy no sex no sex drive.

    Thought that looking at porn beating off and cumming was least harmful path. But she got a little better still no sex . So I started having sex with others. I shouldn't have to be denied but a man shouldn't have to settle for mediocre sex .

    So my recovery goal is no porn no beating off and only cum from real sex with a woman. I will wait until I can't take it anymore and find an available woman I think the prosuit the thrill of picking up a sexy woman too makes me so alive.

    This being said if she wants to make up have sex again . I would cutoff all outside sex if she would try and meet my needs.

    In saying this everyone different maybe my way won't work for you but it has for me
     
  14. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    @abc12345678ia It's ok that you were open with her that if she is not going to have sex with you then you were going to get it elsewhere. That's basically an agreement to have an open relationship. I suppose that you are ok with the fact that she can sleep with other guys too.
    In that scenario.. if my woman is not going to have sex with me (aka my needs are not been met) then I will simple break up with her and find a woman that met them.
    I wonder.. why are you still with her?
     
  15. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Not entirely my case she don't want sex at all no interest in it with anothe man. Her responcw to her gf one day was I hope he finds another woman that's one less thing I gotta do sex wise.

    And we love each other every way else have 4 kids together have had been married 27 years faithful when she didn't want sex anymore. I mean I was faithful from 1990 to 2017.

    I got hurt no sex and one day I took her up on her offer and started out but if she ever wanted to start up again I would stop all other outside activities.

    I suppose we got too comfortable a little what mean by that the first FWB not just sex hookup made me feel so alive and engergized me by me being wanted by this younger woman I'm 52 she's , 32 .

    But kids and LTR before extramarital sex is the glue and glad we both can seperate sex from love I may be in lust with others I have their pussies, I have my wife heart.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    So she knows all about your fwb and porn use?
     
    abc12345678ia likes this.
  17. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    Yes her idea FWB and she knows about mypmy use throughout our 29 year marriage even 6 7 years ago 2013 to 2014 having sex 4x -6x a week and still masturbated 20x a week to orgasm. No Ed issues at all.

    I know I have substituted porn masturbation and orgasm from drugs alcohal cigarettes . To get my dopamine fixes.

    I've gotta read what Psalm 27:1 says. You got me wondering . I am spiritual but not into church the first layer came off on Halloween of 1994 went to sleep a drug addict alcoholic violent man. Has out of body experinces woke up monkey on my back gone. But was good 27;years and started to remember things I wish I didn't. In one of other post for those guys who think they might be bi or gay I think describes what happened. I have also acted out in mmf bi threesome and mm only too plus women.

    But was faithful for I guess 27 years but when got cuttoff sexually took it outside of our marriage in the open.

    Plasm 27:1 hope not too much info PMO 1,0,0 record PMO = 8,13,13 that is still miracle with me since age 12 haven't been free that long 8,13,13
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2020
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You understand you’re very addicted? No one, who has a healthy relationship with sex has 24 orgasms a week, this is absolutely crazy amount of time on sex and self pleasure. Not healthy, nor normal. I’m sure you know this. You’ve had a problem with masturbation throughout your marriage. Getting cut off from sex does not force you to cheat/look outside for sex. If that were the case thousands of women would cheat on their porn addicted spouse who repeatedly reject them. As an addict, you are blaming your wife for your behavior. She says no to sex so you must get it from someone else. In a healthy relationship you would sit down and discuss why she no longer finds you attractive. Why she no longer desires you. Ways you both could work on improving the relationship so that sex is a fulfilling part of it. I know, from the journals of many women, their desire for the husband vanishes when they realize he jacks off multiple times a week. That being said, even if physically she could no longer have sex, that isn’t a reason to seek sex outside your marriage. However, since you said she knows all about your fwb, do you bring her home to meet your wife, talk about the relationship or tell you wife when you’re going to hook up? I’m curious that your wife is so unaffected by you sleeping with someone who could be your daughter? Lol, I’d flip my lid. I most definitely would lose all respect for him. Also side note- have you had any emdr for your cptsd? Highly recommend it if you haven’t
     
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  19. abc12345678ia

    abc12345678ia Fapstronaut

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    I wasn't not meeting her needs I was ready and hard every time. Even with addiction to porn

    I'm sure you would of left me day one but it our thing I am here trying to get a reset from porn and mastrubation .

    My choice of actual physical contact is has
    agreed on by my wife and I.

    And I decided though on day 0 that I am going to try for the first 30 to 60 days to stop all outside accounts where I easly hooked up. And called it off with the younger woman too. T

    go be us a fighting chance at rebooting our marriage if she would try and meet me in the middle too. and try to have sex again at 30 and 60 days.

    And just so you know I'm not out to hurt her emotionally . If she doesn't think I'm attractive anymore that's on her many people do. I still find her attractive.

    And I say it as I see it and call it as I see it. I feel that you don't know enough about us to say that even if she physically don't want sex that I shouldn't want to have an extramarital outlet.

    It makes me feel wanted and loved through sex ignore a man long enough and you get what we have now. A pastors wife my wife was freinds with said give your husband all the sex he wants and of he cheets then the shame is on him.

    I wish I could find an opposite thing in woman that equals this need in any man. And I also never denied her my body that had an attached penis with an erection on it. So was meeting her needs even in a marriage filled with porn use.

    As far as EMDR I'm going to disagree too. It VA snake oil placebo at best I know of someone who was convinced they were free of PTSD but it wasn't the case it's like the light switch went off and they became part of the 22 club.

    And I'm speaking from my own real life observations. Maybe you have better experinces but not for me at this time.

    PTSD from Army is why I left the church because said I wanted to be this way. Lack of faith is why I couldn't receive healing.

    I have conceeded I know I have a problem addiction but this stuff is way deep and feel bad enough already not to have others judge me of my coping mechanism for no sex in marriage up to this point in my life.

    I do feel God led me here to see there is possibly a way to healing and freedom. I still want free from porn and mastrubation at this time. As you can tell already I'm a porn, sex, and people addict. Also I'm on an antidepressant drug Wellbutrin and I'm one of the luck one not lucky ones that 1 in 20,000 patients turn hyper sexual. And my childhood rapes from 5 to 11.5:by men teenaged boys and a couple of woman really messed me up.

    But one day at a time is all I can do. Thanks for listening and the dialogue with you and you saying it as you see it too. I respect that in
    people so many people won't say what they think.
     
    Icouldprobablyhelp likes this.
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m hope you understand I’m not judging you and by no means did I intend to make you feel badly. Understand that you view everything through your addiction. It’s amazing how an addicts thoughts and actions change when they get clean. Like my husband, your life has been one where your addiction has always been present. So you really don’t know a different way. Obviously if you and your wife have an agreement that you get your sexual needs met outside the relationship, then there isn’t any problem. However, it might be problematic for you with your addiction. That’s what I was trying to get at, your fwb might just be an escalation of your porn addiction.
     
    abc12345678ia likes this.

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