Reflections and challenges after a week or so....

I've abstained from MO for about a week and a half now (already feels like a lifetime...) and I can honestly say to myself that I am confident that I can keep this up. The first 3-4 days were the roughest, but after I became more aware of my thoughts leading up to feeling tempted, it became easier to say no and to flee from those unhelpful glances/thoughts/conversations that may cause me to MO.

My main issue is with "P", i.e. "porn", including "porn substitutes", so things like reading erotic literature, looking at non-erotic material with lust, etc. And for christians, I believe we should take it a step further and extend this to abstaining from lustful thoughts and desires at all (i.e. sermon of the mount). And for me (and I suspect, many other people as well), this becomes a massive issue.

Because of the typical heightened sexual arousal experienced when first abstaining from PMO, it's been a massive struggle taming the mind and being disciplined with my thoughts. I feel like as I get used to it, it's becoming easier to abstain from the visual temptations, mainly ads, social media, etc. I find that I am aware of the temptation faster and I can react quicker, so I am hopeful that this won't be a major thing.

The main concern is whenever I am alone, and my mind wonders and I start thinking about my girlfriend in unhelpful ways. Out of sexual curiosity I end up trawling through the internet and reading about christianity and sex, and testimonies of other christians' sexual experiences and their reflections/advice (whether it be wedding nights or people confessing about being sexually active prior to marriage). The material itself is quite sound and isn't particularly arousing or anything (and actually would be helpful for engaged couples who are about to enter marriage), but I think that it places a lot of thoughts in my mind about what it will be like when/if we have sex in the future, which becomes intoxicating. After a while I usually end up feeling immense guilt, as that in that moment, I only cared about her because of the possibility of future sex...

A common theme that comes up on blogs/forums that discuss christianity and sex is that the sexual desire itself is good and should be encouraged in the right manner and context (i.e. in a marriage, and in a pure and selfless way), and it is "lust" that is the sin. And although I know that I probably won't be married anytime soon, I find myself intentionally blurring the lines and fantasize us being married already.

I do recognise that this is unhelpful, and essentially is acting as my "porn substitute", but in the moment it becomes so easy to persuade myself that it's innocent because I start off by thinking it's just informative and equipping myself with knowledge in this area. But it quickly leads to sinful thoughts, so yeah... no excuses. I will seek to be more aware of these intentions and flee from them.

Just wanted to dump my thoughts and experiences from the first week or so of my journey to overcome PMO. Everything feels a bit better just thinking about it now and articulating it here