Reflections in the water.

Hello.

After some consideration, I realised that I need a personal thread about philosophy, psychology, and theology. I still struggle with my porn addiction, and every week my journey staggers with concepts related to personal growth. Since I will write about abstract concepts I do not anticipate popularity for this thread. But I need to write to keep track of my personal journey.

And so begins Reflections in the water (Reflets dans l'eau). Pax out!

 

Mysticism and identity
Yesterday I watched a speech by Jonathan Pageau. At one stage he called the Christian to be a microcosmic reflection of the cosmos/God.

Jordan Peterson often critiques Nietzsche: "it is not entirely clear that you are able to invent your own morality." And, I suppose, it is not clear that one is able to invent your own sexual identity. I am in a very happy relationship with a guy (although, we have many issues relating to finances and our respective families). I fully accept myself for who I am. But I know that "gay" is not a label I accept for myself (for many reasons beyond this specific post).

With the passing of time I realise how deeply I am connected with the cosmos. There are aspects of humanity that I cannot escape, including various cultural traditions. I (for one) cannot escape the limitations of the Afrikaans culture, nor can I escape my Christian upbringing.

If I am to be a reflection of the cosmos as a microcosm, I have to make peace with the nature of nature: set contrasting opposites, hierarchies, and natural cycles. I cannot foresee me being with a lady - my emotional needs are masculine. But I understand that the nature of the cosmos requires me to be with the opposite sex. I do, most seriously, consider ancient rituals in alternative modes of being: adelphopoiesis. As much as I aspire to the call of the cosmos, I also realise that my humane limitations has to be bridged. I call on the grace of God to cover me where I fail, and this might be an essential part of my walk away from porn. I do not know what it is, but I know that a benevolent God is watching, caring, and loving beyond my knowledge - this is my confession.

Pax out!

 

Choosing who I want to be
Yesterday I had a discussion with a local philosopher - a brilliant mind and a true genius. In our conversation about gender identity I made the comment about the nature of being: when you are everything [zie, zur, etc.] you are nothing! This fits perfectly with an older discussion I had with the philosopher - he argued that I was not born in a way [gay, for example], but that I decided who I wanted to be. Although I have reasons for being homosexual, I do not identify as gay, since the latter is an evolving ideology that I do not agree with.

On Telegram I am still part of a furry gay porn group. Suffering the fever (and resulting insomnia) of a cold, I looked at my phone: another notification. When I opened the group I was confronted with sexual images that disturbed me - being furry porn, it was over the top! Following the thought of the previous day, I realised that this fantasy is not my own! Porn has the potential to be all everyone's fantasy, but belonging to everyone it is also no-one's fantasy. So, am I a porn addict, or do I chose to be a porn addict?

If I do not have the discipline [yet!] to decide who I want to be, then I am automatically no-one. According to biographers, Chopin and Mendelssohn did not think much of the young Liszt (as a composer). Liszt's early, immature works were in the Viennese style and did not bear any significant compositional contributions. Despite his virtuosity, Liszt was just another virtuoso - a no-one. It is not until he refined his compositions skills, and then later made important compositional contributions, that he was recognised in the pages of history.

I am not a very disciplined person. I spend a lot of time day-dreaming, which has it's own merits at times. But I need to reorder my days and my goals again. I have experienced extreme failure and loss in my life. But I am at a point where I need to take up my life again, and attempt seriously to change for the better.

 

A few short thoughts
In 2017 I finished my masters degree. I would work up to 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, for three years. Sadly, the exam result on my dissertation was catastrophic - and it set me into a deep spiral of depression.

For the past 3 years I have looked for a future beyond academia, but my hopes and dreams are still crushed. But, rethinking Dr. Peterson's video above made me think about my life. And where I am headed.

Along with porn, I play too many video games. I am not working hard enough, and it is (in part) due to my shame of academic failure. But that comes to an end. I must stand up and try again. The road ahead is not easy, and I find myself on the bottom of the ladder. But, the past 3 years were valuable: I had to rethink many aspects of my life. Now is the time for action.

 

Murder and emigration
Yesterday was father's day. I missed my daddy, who is deceased for 9 years now. He passed away when I was 21, and it has not been easy. But, more than that, a close friend of mine (that I knew since high school years) was murdered in a farm attack. A public statement read:

Farm murders are generally neglected by the media, and completely ignored by international media (save for Fox News that report on farm murders now and then). But the violent murder of someone I knew shook me. I decided that I am going to press harder to leave South Africa. It is no longer safe to live here, and I am tired of all the bad news. South Africa is (in the words of his eminence) a "shithole country".

I am not able to attend my friend's funeral - it is on the other side of the country (we moved in opposite directions after high school for work). But his death is the writing on the wall.

Lagrime mie. My tears, why do you hold me back?

REQUIESCAT IN PACE​

 

Rewiring my mind
Yesterday I watched a video (and, actually a short one on the topic, linked below) on how the internet (and entertainment, I suppose) shapes our brain. The effects of the internet is catastrophic to our conceptualisation of the world. With this in mind I have cut down my porn time: what good is it watching two hours of porn every day? Today I have watched porn for an hour (still too much), but it is down from three hours a day to two hours. Following the video, I try to reshape my thought patterns - last night I watched Tartini's Devil's Trill sonata in full concentration (full-screen, minimal other distractions). I not only enjoyed the music more, but deeper connected with my feelings.





BUT even music could be a distraction. If everything we do shapes our brain, I could even be addicted to music! I am addicted to sugar, surely! But what would my brain look like without music? I am not talking about my craftsmanship as a professional musician, but the emotional connections I form with music. My conclusion is thus: although my limited mental capacity would be expanded in some way, my need as a functional, emotional human being demands music.

Today, I told my mother about my boyfriend. At the end of the month we are together for one year! And yet, I am only telling her now. She took it well without preaching at me. Who knows when she will start preaching. But my boyfriend's possible career abroad (he was made two offers recently) will also influence my leaving South Africa. I have done work for a client today, and had good meme laughs on Telegram furry groups. But, I am miserable and tired - especially of being judged in church. I do not want to be an organist any more - I am tired of being judged for being gay, different, and eccentric. I have many stories of wrongs in the church, especially by the abusive powers of abuse. But that is perhaps a story for another day.

Many days I ask God for guidance, and especially for spiritual epiphanies. The greatest gift God has bestowed me is wisdom and understanding, the latter regarding looking back and looking forward. I now understand that personal growth and spiritual growth are not separated, and time is needed to mature the person. I am no paragon of wisdom - who can ever make that claim? Which reminds me about a joke of a minister who wrote a book: Humility, and how I achieved it (there is a similar book, but it is comical and includes the word 'almost'!)

I end my psychological frustrations with a listening to Chopin's Nocturnes. How I wish Krystian Zimerman would record them! The Arrau recordings are perfectly reasonable. Pax out!



EDIT: My friend was in danger of being arrested today (5 times) for trespassing the law beyond his control. I prayed for him - and God protected him. God was very gracious to listen to my feeble prayers when I am down, hurt, and in darkness. SDG.

 

The Confession of Monogamy
Tonight I offer my truest confession. Once upon there was a man in my life whom I loved very much. But, during the time as an exchange student abroad (six months), I played with other men. He found out somehow and it broke our relationship. I could never bring myself to confess to him my vices. We are still very close friends, but I regret the past. I led a completely double life with my ex, which is why he never wanted to be sexual with me.

The wonderful man that I am dating at the moment knows that I have cheated on him. I have told him, in tears, about my few excursions. But, in killing porn, I am tearing myself away from multiple sexual partners, as well as Grindr. When I watch porn once a day, I sometimes install Grindr for the sole purpose of swapping pictures. My dear boyfriend, who is terribly close to my heart, I only see for one day every two weeks; family engagements and difficulty with his parents (oblivious to the nature of our relations - it is a secret!) make it difficult for us.

For long I have looked for a play partner while my boyfriend is far from me. My venture was unsuccessful thus far. But the past two months I cannot hook up with anyone anymore - the end of this month I am with my dear for a year. And, for the first time in my life, I have want for no-one except him. I cannot hook up, I cannot have naughty chats. Perhaps it is my hormones that is changing?

Tonight, as I was sitting at a local production of La Traviata, I looked up at the subtitles. In Un di felice we find the beautiful words:

My fursona is a fox - I am cunning, and sometimes even slightly manipulative (my archetypes are those of the jester AND the sage). It would seem completely natural for me to want polygamy! But monogamy is the fruits of maturity. Love... is mysterious and noble, both cross and ecstasy of the heart. I want more sexual encounters! But, loving my dear partner so deeply, true love is the cross that I have to bear - sometimes up to three weeks! Yet, we are not always sexual. There is a deep, compassionate care in caressing one another (especially during the solace of comforting) - how can this be called sin? Although the lyrics say "cross and ecstasy of the heart", is it interesting that subtitles of many productions remove the religious affiliations.



If only I had this love for God! I confess: my devotion and adoration is limited. There are merits in the Catholic traditions. But, alas, all Christian traditions have their faults. Love is wonderful, and beautiful, and good. But...

 

Leaving Protestantism
Since I have always been one for experimental ideas, it should be no surprise that I explore theology and religious studies as well (the latter being a minor subject I took at university). I have thought about the Christian traditions for a long time, and my time as a foreign exchange student broadened my interest, especially in the Orthodox tradition. The Catholic church has wonderful ideas that were re-enforced into my subconscious when I was an organist in the Anglican church. I know the Anglican theology is Lutheran, but that is the closest I will get to Catholicism within the Protestant tradition.

I deeply wish to leave the Protestant- for the Orthodox tradition, but I am currently employed in a Presbyterian church, and I really need the money. There is no possibility for me to join the Orthodox tradition. Thankfully, there is a lot that I can do to explore spirituality at home. When I had master-class with an Orthodox composer (Ivan Moody), I also purchased his book on Orthodox music which I donated to the university (I should have bought two copies!). I will to order myself a copy of his book on Orthodox music soon. But, in the meantime, I will become Orthodox by writing art music in the Orthodox tradition. Although my exposure to this style is limited, I learned from one of the great masters.

In the end, I doubt I will ever be able to conform to one tradition alone. I enjoy all the traditions, although I have footing in the Protestant tradition. Kyrie eleison.

 

The heartache of reparative therapy
I came out to my family when I was 20 years old. It was not so much "I'm here, and I'm queer", but more like "I have attractions toward men and I am seeking change". My pious mother would not hear anything of it, but my deceased dad (God bless him) patiently pondered my plea. I got into contact with Exodus, attended local support groups, got books, and devoured everything related to same-sex attractions (SSA).

At the time I thought that Americans had the answer. Exodus and other similar groups were run by American groups, and they seemed to be blooming! But in 2010 my father passed away. My mom (being the tyrant that she is) alienated me (disinheriting me three times over the years), and pushed me away. I found solace and comfort in my first boyfriend - and what a wonderful time we had!

Looking back, I think all gay men should have retreats of some sorts. I really learned amazing stuff at reparative therapy sessions - it was wholesome, and good. But growth needs time, patience, and love. There are some things that no therapy could ever heal. I do not regret my association with the ex-gay community, and I still occasionally dabble with them! But, leaving the ideological mess that is the LGBT community, I cannot call myself gay anymore. I am still attracted to males, and due to various personal problems I have not established an interest in the feminine archetype. I do find some women to be beautiful, but the chaos of the feminine archetype I find untameable in our current hostile climate - lo, men are nothing; there is no balance between the ying and the yang.

I have regrets. But having a stable partner that loves and accepts me for who I am is the greatest gift. I fear that care does not exist in females anymore - my true feelings about females are, sadly, truly misogynistic. It would seem that most women are as evil, abusive (physically and mentally), manipulative, and untrustworthy as my mother is. My poor father suffered tremendously under my mother - I do not want to share his fate.

 

The lone organist

Yesterday was unbearable. I was sitting alone in church, performing my organ duties. The church I play for pays well, and they expect me to be part of the congregation. Yet, I am a wandering soul alone in a heterogenous culture.

"Lo, I have my church!"

It would not be acceptable to hold my partner's hand in church. I do not have family with me, nor is anything reaching out to me or pulling me in. Everywhere I see families, cliques, and micro-tribes. But everyone looks the same, dresses the same, think the same, and act with the same moral convictions. I am not trying to promote discord, or cultural diversity for the sake of identitarian politics (en con tre!), but I am promoting diversity of thought, something clearly lacking in the church. There are many children, parents, and elderly in the church. But none my age, or even with my diverse interests.

And yet, I am expected to act accordingly; some elders in the church has viewed some of my private behaviour in church as offensive, such as making notes in church, or wearing shorts in the summer. With the latter it was a case for acceptable Afrikaans conservative behaviour - good, Apartheid-valued Protestantism; one person even called it the "God standard".

Bach was often plagued by the church authorities, who threatened him because his playing was too fast, or he brought changes into the worship service deemed irregular. I am certainly one of those problematic organists, but out of rationality and not for the sake of rebellion.

I miss the smaller church where I used to play at. The care was genuine, and the friendships were strong. But they could not really afford me. I left for a better salary at a larger church. I need the money, but I do not feel at home spiritually, mentally, or psychologically. I am, very much, alone.

 

Watching and thinking
Last night I watched two videos surrounding the Google censorship drama. It is clear that there is more than a political agenda at hand; the deception (and possible misinformation) runs deep. It is no secret how deceitfully banks are run. "Woke" individuals should be protesting fake money! But they do not know that they are deceived themselves.



Christians are often reminded to be watchful, and prepare. Perhaps now more than ever. In the pursuit of getting my life together (with the motivation of Jordan Peterson), I am thinking about my faith and life, and considering many things. But I know that God is leading me, and in the pursuit of true devotion I will give up porn. Slowly getting there.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord... have mercy.

 

Goodbye?
This weekend I have to make a difficult decision - a costly one. I want to leave South Africa to teach English in another country, and I have looked into the possibilities and spoke with agents. It seems easy! Just go! But there is a lot of money involved (which I will have to loan), and I will miss my boyfriend terribly. This weekend I will have to think hard, and talk, and think again.

 

Betrayed Three Times
Today I lived up to my namesake. I went on Grindr and hooked up with a close friend's recent ex-boyfriend (whom I knew). Later the day, I hooked up with another friend. In the evening, I flirted heavily with a guy on Grindr who was not my boyfriend. I lusted thrice, and betrayed three individuals:
1. My boyfriend
2. My dear friend
3. Myself

Later in the evening I watched Game of Thrones (S08E01-03). It was a tremendous, almost religious, experience. At 1 in the morning, I realised my own mortality, as well as my moral failures. It is, in the truest sense, a moment of repentance. I repent of my foolish and carnal ways, and I vow not to go onto Grindr again; it only leads to lust, hookups, and betrayal. And so, bitterly realising my sins, I wept.

I opened the Bible, turning to the gospels. Although I like the narratives of Luke, I thought that the wisdom of John might be what I needed. Lo, I opened at John 21 - the very chapter where Jesus addresses Luke. Peter threw himself into the sea and went ashore to meet Jesus. There, Jesus served breakfast and fed his disciples.

My archetype is the sage. I am not perfect, yet. Far from it. But I recognise my archetype and its abilities, and throw down my talent at someone greater than myself. Although I have the power to create the future, there is a far higher power that steers my life. It is no accident that I opened at John 21. Many accidents befall my life which are clearly divine. My chance encounter with God was one of them.

Many sceptics consider God to be a farce: a fantasy of madmen. I do not know what Christians think (in general) - but their devotion (especially in the Protestant tradition) is sprinkled with too much grace. Not denying grace, or the church, I realise the mystery of the transcendental for what it is.

God is good. God is pardon. God is redemption. But God is also a mystery and a divine power. It is wise to know and accept your limitations, and then surrender to the higher power. All to thee, my blessed saviour, I surrender all.

 

Facing difficulty
I am a classical musician - not because it is easy, but because it is the hard thing to do. I chose a life of a classical pianist because (in part) I am talented, but also because it is a hard life. Students are few, audiences are unappreciative and critical, and money is scarce. It is through working hard that we find meaning.

Being practical, I am searching for a job in South Korea as an English teacher. A different country, different food, different traditions, different language... it is not going to be easy. But the money is good and I have study debt to pay. All will be well. I am very excited for the challenges in South Korea, and going there (by October) is my current goal.

 

Getting there
In the pursuit of wholeness (and getting rid of porn), I have been watching porn less and less. From three times a day to once a day. My pursuit of getting a job in Korea also motivates me and gives me something to live for. I only watch porn once a day and (except for PornHub) I cancelled all my porn subscriptions. No NSFW Twitter accounts, no Telegram yiff groups. I have not stopped watching porn, but I am getting there.

When I DO NOT watch porn I get strange dreams, usually sexual dreams of people I would never dream of! Often I wake up and think: Eeew - never! I expect to be celibate in Korea - a productive eunuch with little ears all over! Ha!

I have a lot of thoughts on my mind. But nothing that needs immediate meditation. My thoughts are on God, the future, and hope. There is always hope; it cannot be taken away from me.

 

The season for rest
I watch a lot of YouTube videos. I think a lot. But I do not take enough time for quiet meditation, and it is working on me. I need quiet. I am too busy with everything, savouring my last weeks of freedom before going to Korea. Today I shaved my face clean - the first time in perhaps 3 years. I changed my hairdo. And I had a deep conversation with a friend. Change is in order. Lord, have mercy.



I am aware of a deep depression that has gripped my life recently. Kicking the porn habit is difficult, especially through the tears. But I know I will come out stronger on the other side. But, a worry lingers; I know that I am human, complete with faults and mistakes. It is impossible to be as holy as the Father of all creation, and yet... in His mercy... Forgive me my sins, for they are many.

 

Friends no more
I dated John for 2 months, and broke up because he was chaotic, always late, his hands were always dirty, and he leaves a mess wherever he goes. His personality is charming, but his rigid views and lack of discipline got to me.

Although we remained friends, John recently needed a job after being fired from his position. He moved in with me two months ago for a job closeby. However, after 3 weeks at his position, he was fired. The past month he was jobless, and he is now moving back in with his sister in another city where John found a job. John asked feedback from his coworkers about his time with the company; they complained about his lack of tidiness, tardiness with time, dramatic personality, lack of focus with clients, and possible ADHD - all aspects that I see in his daily performances at home.

John is very outspoken about his hate for religion, which contrasts my personal obsession with religious studies. Where I think deeply about everything I believe, John only trust his feelings - facts, history, and logic means nothing to him. John is also an amateur musician, with emphasis on amateur - his output will never amount to anything significant because he lacks the disciple to structure his music; John's music sounds the same for the past 10 years, and the technical flaws in his orchestration is impossible to perform. John rely on MIDI, no matter how terrible it sounds, or how impossible it is for an actualised orchestra to perform.

I strive towards discipline and excellence in all aspects of my life. For the past 10 years I strove to fix my perceptions about life, and learn methodically about all aspects of reality. John only feels; logic and facts are an offence to him if it does not suit his worldview.

John does not have any friends; in the two months he was here he visited two of my friends and one of his acquaintances. I cannot keep up with my friends - some days up to three visits a day! I keep my life in order (or attempt to), and willingly let the old in me die away, seeking rejuvenation. I clean up after myself, seek growth, and truth.

So, what does this all amount to? Am I trying to virtue signal? By no means - this post illustrates the lives of two contrasting individuals.

John is chaotic, unwilling to engage with reality, blames his family for all his troubles, stubborn, and biased. I am not without fault, but I can clearly see how life pans out for the two of us. While I am making great strides in my life and my career, the chaos that John is pursuing is damning to him.

John is moving tomorrow, back to his sister. I feel sorry for parting on such bad terms. But John knows is a know-all. I even tried to contact information for several professional psychology specialists to help with his ADHD and chaotic personality, but John is above it all. He cannot be helped, and he cannot help himself; John is a Messiah unto himself.

There is none as wonderful as John

 

Isolated and content

Evening from Korea! Sorry for being quiet. I got a job in South Korea teaching English near Seoul. It is very stressful; I love teaching, but I hate the demands and pressure that is put on me.

I live in a small town. There is no-one on Grindr for 40 kilometers, no adults speak English (except for my boss, whose relationship is professional). I have never been this lonely, isolated, or frustrated before in my life. But, I am coming despite the shortcomings. I hope to go home after 2 years and open my own music studio.

Do I still watch porn? Yes. When I first came to Korea I was incredibly depressed - it is a very bad country for foreigners. Koreans push out everything that is foreign and embrace tradition (and Koreanism), especially since 2/5 Koreans are above the age of 50. However, I went down from wanking 3 times a day to wanking once, some times skipping wanking all together!

Korea is good for me. I am learning life skills, working with children, saving up money, and confronting quietness and isolation. In fact, I am learning how to quiet my mind and encounter God. I am still busy - things are not perfect. BUT it is getting better, and I have high hopes.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in me, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Christ with me.

The text is the Lorica of St. Patrick. Lorica means protection. Thus, this prayer is the protective prayer of St. Patrick.