Reflections: Journey of Fapstronaut

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Derek5150, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. Derek5150

    Derek5150 Fapstronaut

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    My journey first began when I was ten years old. My older brother and his friends came over with a CD and they played it on the PC. I had no idea what I was watching -- but it looked like a good time between a man and woman making love in the restroom. I thought to myself how good it would feel to be that person. As time progressed, i watched pornography for different reasons. Stressed, simply bored, mad at my girlfriend at the time, dealing with life's adversity and just about everything... lead to a temptation of watching. There were times when I would be out with a few friends, see someone attractive -- I would approach and get rejected. Then i would think to myself, "I bet I could find someone like her in one of the movies I had seen before." From that moment on, it became an abusive habit. Now -- I would like to change all of this and be reborn again as a greater version of myself without this destructive habit.

    Within the last two years, I've smoked enough marijuana to give Cheech and Chong a run for their money. Every time that I smoked, the feeling of being high felt so relaxing -- and I craved intercourse. Then of course, like an idiot, I relapsed and watched more-and-more X-rated films. I was even in a relationship at the time and I relied on Marijuana like it was a form of an aphrodisiac -- I would smoke consistently before I had intercourse. It's been about a month now that I stop smoking marijuana; my memories are coming back and I'm feeling more cognizant than before. Now, my only real struggle is to overcome the temptation of watching pornography.

    Pornography is difficult for me to overcome because the girls I see -- remind me of the ones in my personal life, creating this delusional fantasy -- as if -- I'm making love to them. I hope to receive support from the fellow brothers of this community. It is my last hope to save my dear sex life. I love my girlfriend and I'm ready to abstain from all of these activities to save our future together.
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
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  3. Derek5150

    Derek5150 Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate your response to my post.

    My current strategy is to be more mindful by spending more time alone and to deal with my own anxiety.

    Before any of this occurred in my personal life, I was much more extroverted and attracted a lot of attention from women. I still get quite a few looks. I'm built like a lifeguard, however, it doesn't help that I keep questioning my inner-confidence. So -- the social anxiety kicks in, aware that they may want to talk to me... But inside, I'm not necessarily feeling it if I'm aware of this on-going social anxiety issue going on, coping with the fact that I have porn induced ED. Which prompts me to find an exit route every time a conversation with the opposite sex occurs.

    My friends try and call me to go out w/them quite a bit. Parties, clubs, social events, etc.. However, I can't trust the fact that I tempted to stare at a woman like how I do on-screen, being aware that it can be creepy at times if I don't say anything, or, even approach, since I'm living inside my head. Even simply, I run out of things to talk about w/the opposite sex because my mind is so focused on body-parts through fantasy and imagination.

    I try to find joy in my hobbies. Cleaning my home, writing a self-reflective journal, watching many self-motivational videos, listening to audio-books, studying some physical therapy exercises to improve posture. I hangout w/a few friends who have girlfriends; always avoiding the subject on the topic about our sex lives. It seems like most men like to brag about their numbers, and I can acknowledge that I was once one of them. As I've gotten much wiser, I refrain from 'kissing and telling' because it's not a real gentleman thing to do (I guess I'm old school in that regard). So, I just try my best to have a normal conversation without having it lead to a discussion about the topic of intercourse.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2017
    D . J . likes this.
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

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