Reframing thoughts

It has been a while since I did some reflection and think it is time to do some more. The last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle considering that I have been feeling more anxious in general. The trend is that over the last couple of months I have been feeling quite well, it is just that these last few days (yesterday and today) were less pleasant for me. One factor that has come back a little is the self-doubt when speaking up, it feels as if I have a lump in my throat. It feels as if, whenever I say something, I look for acceptance of the other person. This is quite an interesting thing because whenever I look deeper into myself I realize that there is not really so much need to be insecure and look for acceptance of others. To name an example, I have been becoming very successful in the gym and are making such great efforts that it is obviously noticeable by others. I also graduated from my bachelors degree a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I could have finished it quicker, but I suffered from a depression which caused me to have to postpone my studies. All in all, I managed to do great and finish my bachelors at 24, which is not that bad actually. In fact, I think I should be very proud of this. Speaking of my gains in the gym, I feel really good about increasing my one rep maxes on most of the compound lifts and can also see that my body is changing shape, it is becoming more muscular.

This week I will have a job interview and one of my main doubts is whether or not I will be happy with this job. I feel like I need to do something social, but also not too social. I also feel like doing too much monotonous work could be detrimental to my mental state, because the job is full-time. I don't know exactly what the activities will be yet, but I will hear this when I do the job interview. The other side is that I also don't want to do a highly-sociable job because that is a little too much for me. I enjoy social things, but I am not a hyper social being. All in all I will have to wait and see.

Also, I started using my mindset actively while taking a cold shower and find that it does massive things. For example, I tell myself that with my mindset I can prepare my body and mind for everything that is to come, also a cold shower. Especially these days during winter it is crazy how cold the shower can get, but that is the whole point!

 

Okay so today I want to write about some of the frustrations that I have been having and had today as well. First of all, the gyms are closed again as a result of the lock-down. I felt like I was making great progress and now the gyms are closed again. As much as I find this frustrating, the truth is that I have most gym equipment at home and can do almost any exercise. The only problem I have with this is that there are no people to talk with at home and also, I seem to be able to perform worse with bench press because the set-up at home is not ideal. The positive side of this however is that I have trained really hard the last couple of weeks and taking it easy for just a few weeks is not going to hurt me, in fact, it might even be good. The lock-down as it stands now will only last for four weeks so if I can maintain most of my progress in this time then I will be happy.

Another thing is that I feel generally frustrated because I have a job interview on Wednesday and I am not sure if the job is what I want to do. The rational side of this is that I can always go into the interview and ask them about the job tasks and so on. If it doesn't suit me, I will be free to tell them. And of course there is always the chance that I might actually like the idea of it and take the job. What annoys me is that people, in particular people close to me, seem to always push me in what I need to do. Well they are not really pushing me but I interpret it that way. In fact they are only trying to be helpful and do their best to enable me to make right decisions, but it can be tough if others get involved and so on. The most important thing is that I have a clear idea for myself about what I want to do and openly express this to people around me.

One other thing that seemingly frustrates me is that I sometimes feel anxious, stressed or just not good and it feels like my positive routines are not helping. Well, I know for a fact that this is not true because most of the times I feel quite good after exercising or doing a particular activity. I enjoy working out or going on long walks and it is not an obligation at all. In fact, today it is quite nice weather and it is just nice to be outside.

Another thing that has been sticking in my mind is that I will not be able to properly enjoy parties the way most people do. I see friends all around me going on parties and getting drunk, and I just know that this is not for me. Although I have been feeling quite well the last couple of months, I am not sure whether I am ready to consume alcohol. It makes me feel somewhat depressed and anxious, especially the next day. I just know that it will not do me any good and it frustrates me because I somehow think I want to be part of the parties and events that all people around me are attending. Perhaps, though, this is the path that I am meant to embark upon and the answer to all of this lies in accepting that alcohol or attending parties is not a key to happiness. If I want to attend parties I still can do that and I can even have a few beers if I want to, but that doesn't mean I need to go full radical and down an entire bottle of vodka in the process as some people do (and I used to do).

 

So one of the thoughts I have is that I am not suited for larger parties because I am simply not social enough. The truth is actually that it is entirely up to me how social I decide to me and I am able to be very social and actually enjoy meeting new people. However other people will respond to me at the party is not up to me either, they have their own beliefs and thoughts and it is not up to me to decide that for them.

I also feel like I am being sad when I talk and sometimes feel a little anxious and am afraid that other people will notice this and believe that I am a weak first. First of all, I am not all all a weak person. In fact, I have proven to be a very dedicated and capable but most importantly strong person.The way I am able to dedicate myself to go to the gym every time and push myself to the limits is crazy. I am also strong like that in a mental sense. I have been able to deal with long period abroad at even a very early age and am grateful for how supportive people around me where during this time. When I came back from my time abroad my friends even hosted a surprise party.

The time for self-pity is gone. No more complaining or whining about why I felt depressed and anxious in the past and no more complaining about why I sometimes still feel anxious today. I must get it through my skull that we all feel anxious sometimes and the way that I deal with it is completely up to me. I have developed very healthy routines such as sleeping early, waking early, eating enough proteins, meditating, working out and a lot more. No more complaining about why I felt depressed in the past. It did not happen to me, it was a state of being and I did not have the tools to effectively deal with it. Now I do, the mindset is that I will not complain anymore about my past. No more doubts about why I cannot deal with a job interview because I am completely in control. I have shown that I can do 10 minute ice baths and run marathons, everything else is a piece of cake. I am in control, 100%.

 

So just now I had a job interview and it seems that me and the position were not a good match. The people of the firm informed me that the work is purely production oriented where you need to talk to one customer each 5/10 minutes, deal with it and go to the next one. I am not interested in this type of work and that doesn't make me a less intelligent or dumb person. In fact, it is great that I know what I like to do and what I do not like to do very much.

Once more, the time for self-pity is gone. No self-pitying that I have not found the right job. There are hundreds of jobs out there and 100% there is one that suits me right. No more doubts that I cannot do it because I am in fact a very capable person. I am in control of my own process and choosing the right job is a natural process.

 

Just another post about my thoughts at the moment. It appears I have been having some rather dark and negative thoughts. It is almost as if the job interview caused me to feel a little down. In fact, there is no reason AT ALL to feel bad about this. The job interview was just to see if the job suits me and well, it doesn't. What is the problem of this? The positive side is that I know it is not suitable for me. It is brilliant because I now will not end up in a job that will make me unhappy most likely. I am also feeling a little afraid to open up about my past, the days where I was feeling very depressed and had very awkward conversations but also disappointing job performance at a part-time job. Now, I am not saying that none of this happened, but the time for pitying and feeling sorry for myself is over. It is much more productive to realize that all that matters is the mindset I have today and how I develop it over the future. The way of thinking can be changed significantly, it just requires a bit of effort and time to think in a more constructive and realistic way. I have a lot of positive personality traits, I am honest, hard working, caring and have great language skills. Also, I have great affiliation with international setting. What I should also say is that I feel as if my family will be disappointed that this job is not for me, but guess what: life is full of disappointments. What happens most is that I, and others, continue to stand up and do what we think is right. This means that the search for a job continues and I will inevitably find the right one, even if it takes a bit more time. Also, my family only want the best for me, if this job isn't for me, they might be sad but their response is not very much in my control anyways. What matters is that they care and simply want the best for me.

 

At the moment I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have just had a chat with the CEO of a company where I applied and although the job sounds really cool, it almost feels as if I do not want to start working. The thing is that I have not had a full-time job ever. I do have experience with back-office work because I did two internships. The reason why I might feel unhappy with it is because I had some bad experiences in previous internships. So one internship was in Spain and I did a really good job, but it was very stressful especially because of the language barrier. The other internship was a combined internship with thesis, well actually I was just at the office and writing my thesis. As a result, I was not very much involved with the workers because I had much other work and our tasks did not bring us together as much. This job that I applied for is in many ways going to be different from the experiences I had and this is most probably for the better, all positive.

I am a little afraid of showing my anxiety and sadness to the people at the job. It almost feels as if I have a true problem with self-esteem because I think I cannot confidently express myself. It is probably quite normal for a first official proper job to be a bit exciting because the first time is always exciting, is it not? My thoughts seem to want to make excuses and say that because of all my past trauma and depression I am unfit to apply for this job. The reality is that I did one of the toughest things, my thesis presentation, and managed to completely ace it with a super good grade. This proves that I am capable of so much more than I think. Also, it is not realistic to think that this job is going to be easy in the beginning because probably it will take a lot of me energy. But on the other hand, it will get me out of the house and into a different environment. In fact, the job I applied for seemingly has a very young team which is actually really nice.

Another thought I have been having is that I kind of feeling alone and sad. Well if I realistically break it down then first of all it is okay to feel sad sometimes. Secondly, I have had multiple proper conversations today with various people and tomorrow I am about to make people's day a lot better with my voluntary work. All in all, I really am not that alone. Another thing is that I kind of want to withdraw back into my shell, but I know that when things get tough, it is the time to be there no matter what. The time for excuses is over. I have all the tools that I need and I can do it!

Another thought is that I was talking to some people on Discord yesterday and it was all great until a girl I had been speaking to suddenly said some incredibly offensive words for fun. She said those words not to me but in general and I was offended because those words were really rude. She is learning the language and might not know the impact, but then again the knows the translation so she could know. In any case I kind of left the conversation there and did not feel like contuining, although we had a great conversation before that. I believe it is my right to feel offended from such things, but I should know that she meant absolutely 0 harm to me, in fact she has been very kind to me in general. It feels like I want to write to this girl and get her attention. We had a positive conversation yesterday and I think I want to continue that, but I also feel like I do not currently have the energy to talk to her. The rational side is that mostly these conversations energize me so I might not always feel talkative or energetic, but once the ice is broken it can be really fun. In any case, I do not need to seek approval at all becaus why would I really need that? I consider myself massively succesful. I have been hitting amazing PR's in the gym and I honestly should give myself some pride for that because I have been very consistent and dedicated with the gym. This shows how dedicated I can be to a purpose once I become invested, it might be the same for the firm or job I will start.

 

Yesterday I couldn't sleep well. I mean it took me a lot longer than normal to get to sleep. However, I woke up quite refreshed and actually cannot complain with the quality of the sleep. I might be a little stressed or worried for the job, but this is perfectly normal. It is 100% natural to feel a little stressed/excited for a first official job, I suppose we all have that. The trick is to start somewhere and once you get into it, the road will reveal itself.

Another thing is that my thoughts are telling me that my dad is really pushy and trying to force things upon me. It feels as if there is this pressure to perform because my dad is pushing me into a certain direction and taking control over as many things as possible in my life. In any case, deep down in my heart I know he means very well and although he might be a bit pushy, he wants to help me find a job suitable for me and for me to be happy with it. It is just not productive to think that he is pushing me. Another way of looking at it is that he is actively involved in helping me find a good job and I know that whatever other people will say or thing, the end decision is mine to make. It will be my job so I need to have a good feeling about it, this is most important.

Another thought is that I want to do ice baths and cold showers along with NoFap to train my mindset to higher levels. When I am in the icebath I really tell myself that I am the master of my body and that I control how it responds to an external threat which is in this case the cold. With this type of training I will consistently remind myself that I am capable of so much more than my thoughts sometimes tell me I am. Also, as Wim Hof the iceman describes it, it will allow you to connect with the deeper parts of the brain.

It feels like I lack certainty in my speech and for example when I am speaking that I do not say things with confidence, which makes people doubt what I say. On the other hand, I remember that when I did my thesis defence I was able to stand with confidence as I answered the questions of the people who were grading me. Another thing is that I presented various times in front of a big group and I even won prizes for being speaker of the say where people said I was a natural speaker. This is quite ironic is it not? I doubt my ability to speak confidently and yet people vote me for being top presenter of the day. Now I should realize that there are better and worse days. There are extremely confident days and days where confidence will be a bit on the lower end. In any case, it is in my power to control how I portay myself to the outside world. If I want to be confident, I can. The time for excuses is over, the time to get real has come.

 

Today I feel like I honestly do not know what to do. It is as if my whole day and mood is being affected by one phone call which I will get from the company where I applied for a job. All in all the company seems to have a nice product, good opportunities and a good working atmosphere. On the other hand, I feel like something is not right for me and as I explained to my close family members: I have a serious doubt in myself considering whether I will be able to do this job or not. If we examine this statement in more detail, it is not the work itself that I think I will not be able to do, because I am generally smart enough (perhaps overqualified even). The thing is that I have not much relevant work experience and I have been at home for the last few years because of various factors (including writing thesis from home due to covid etc). It feel scared that I will not be able to keep my emotions in check when I start that job and that from there on the situation of my mental health might deteriorate. It seems that a very important factor for me at the moment is my confidence and I feel like my confidence could be much higher because my job interview was definitely not the strongest performance. Although it was not a strong performance in my eyes, it was a good learning moment and I should realize that the more I do such things, the more I will get my confidence back. What I am afraid of somehow is that instead of being present in the learning experience, that I will fall back into a depression/anxiety state that will make things worse instead of better. I have to say honestly that my mental health has been quite stable for the last year or so although I think I could be more happy. Part of the reason I could be more happy I think is because I do not have a real dedication in terms of a job. I do have the gym, which is very good of me because I consistently push myself and workout with other people and help them push themselves as well. Generally I am one of the strongest people in the gym and I really should feel proud of that. I got those results because I show up no matter what happens. If there is a lockdown during covid, I still continue working out. If I would not have the tools, I would do push-ups and running or other actitivites to still keep in shape. Anyways, back to the job. I remember that I had similar experiences in the gym at some point where I felt really insecure going to the gym or even leaving the house. This proves that my wellbeing or capability has improved drastically compared to let's say 2 year. Why would it not be possible to grow even further? The one thing I must realize is that leaving the comfort zone from time to time, perhaps even every day can be really helpful. Another important aspect is that I should choose the right job and I feel that due to distance to the job, the firm I will speak with on tuesday will be a better option because its way closer. For now I would inform the first firm that I am about to travel to a job interview and that I will call them back later this week. The second firm has better location so that needs to be considered.

I believe the thing that benefits me a lot from writing these summaries of the thoughts is that sitting down and writing about it forces me to confront my thoughts instead of ignoring them and letting them wreak havoc in my brain. It is as if I feel like they are bad things that need to be removed and therefore I try to run from them. I do realize, however, that bad thoughts are often times also necessary for change to manifest. If we would only have positive thoughts, would we be motivated to do things? Whatever the case, negative thoughts are not by definition always bad. Anyways, it is good to regularly introspect and examine your thoughts to see what you are dealing with at that moment. For me the most significant thing now is the job which I am really nervous about. I think however that this is also a great opportunity and can also be seen as a stepping stone to success. By success I mean an increase in confidence, a greater sense of wellbeing and generally feeling more happy because I have something to dedicate my life to. Sitting at home quite some time during the week will not benefit me as much and probably won’t trigger me. I think that I also am a person who needs those kinds of trigger from external factors to be motivated and steered into action. On the other hand, like I said before, there is still the fear that I will be unable to cope or deal with the workload and stress. But I should know that I am smart enough, that is not even a thing up for debate. Another thing is whether I will be able to deal with the stress and well, that is hard to foresee at this moment but I have done an internship in another country in a completely foreign language so then this should be doable as well should it not?

 

Today I want to discuss about a rather challenging period in my life. I have come out of depression as I like to think and although I still occasionally have mild anxiety and depressive symptoms I have been really free more or less. What is worrying me now in particular is that I did two job interviews last week and I received news back from both firms that they would like to continue with me, which means a second interview where I would see the activities and meet colleagues and so on. A couple of people have been asking me questions about what I will be doing and for example when my sister asked me the question this morning I felt like I was supposed to be happy with the news, but instead I do not feel happy at all. In fact, the thought of starting a full-time job makes me feel miserable. It is as if I will be stuck with something for life and although that in itself might be a bit of a lazy mindset, I do realize that these thoughts probably trigger severe anxiety and depression inside of me. The way I felt today is something I have not been feeling ever since I did my last job. I really do not feel ready for starting a job right now, it would trigger more and more anxiety to the point where the positives do not outweigh the negatives. What I realize as well is that starting a job is really good in the sense that I will have something to dedicate my life and energy to, but also a general purpose in life. What shocks me is that I have been generally upbeat and motivated for all sorts of things like the gym and working out for example. I also do voluntary work and go every week and have quite a good time. Then, at the face of an official job, I really lose a lot of this positivity and the anxiety and depression seems overwhelming. Now my fear is that if I tell this to my dad and or mom or other family members, that they will respond that it is normal to be nervous and yes I think it is. But I really feel like the anxiety is overwhelming and this is really not a good sign.

 

It has been quite a while since I properly reflected on my thoughts and emotions. Mostly because I have started my new job and I have now, after 3 weeks, come to the point where I am not so much in the learning and orientation process but more on the actual doing part. This means answering phone calls, doing outbound phone calls and more. Since the beginning of the new job I have felt quite insecure. However, I feel like the people around me have pushed me through because most of the people have really great energy and good levels of positivity. Anyways, now it is getting serious and more and more work is actually getting my way now. Today I had a considerable amount of emails and calls to handle and I honestly feel very much depressed. My emotions want to jump to conclusions and say that this is not the right job for me. It honestly feels like this is not the job for me and that the bar is too high simply because I still feel rather low in energy and just not as passionate as I would be with something else. It feels like this is the kind of job that I need to do just because it is expected of me and not because I intrinsically want to.

I remember talking about this with my dad, telling him that I did not have a good feeling about this job because too much would be expected of me and I can be quite anxious when making calls and such. Now I know some calls are going to go really well, but the most important thing is that I myself have a good feeling about it and can enjoy my job. The negative thought I had is that another job will not be much better since I still have my obligations to abide by. In any case, it just doens't make much sense because another job could motivate me to become more positive and motivated in life.

Then there is the thought that I need to make a decision with my work because if it doesn't feel right, I should communicate it. On the other hand it is normal to have some worse days. The problem is not that I am not willing to take risks and go out of my comfort zone because I have done that consistently over the last few weeks even though I felt highly uncomfortable. It feels almost as if any normal or typical office job just isn't for me.

 

Basically I am already at a point where I can be proud with myself. I am currently at a point where I have worked 6 weeks for the new job, one in which I can honestly say there is a lot of uncertainty and stress. Basically the last week as well I experienced significant amounts of stress to the point where I can say that I am not sure whether this is the right job for me. The positive side is that the employees are very friendly, understanding and also very willing to help me. All in all the atmosphere from colleagues is really nice, but I am not sure whether calling so much is the right thing for me, also commercial jobs I have my question for. In any case, I think I have decided that this is not the job I want to really dedicate to long term, but I do realize the people are very helpful and all the experience (and money) I can earn here is a nice bonus for my next step. I think it is also a natural part of my development to figure out what I like and what I do not like. Naturally this is a job that suits well for the type of education I have done, but that per definition does not mean that I need to do something like this for the rest of my life.

I feel guilty for not being confident when declining customers at the job. Some customers are non business and therefore have to be rejected, I have a hard time being confident because it is not in my nature (or so I have told myself), to have an easy time rejecting people. I rather help and be friendly to be honest. I must know that this is not a bad thing, at all, in fact it is quite a positive trait to be friendly and helpful, but on the other hand it would benefit be greatly if I didn't personally feel so attached to the idea that my firm does not want to do business with non business customers.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that my colleagues both seem to be confident, while I have my questions and struggles really big time. I think it is safe to say that everyone starts with their challenges and even my colleague of whom I say is confident has told me that his first years were not much of a success because his educational success was ruined.

All in all I have communicated also with my manager that I seem to have very high expectations and standards for myself. I demand of myself to be confident, to be good looking, to be fit, to be succesful in closing business deals and so on. All while I can name countless examples of why it really doesn't have to be this way. All of my colleagues are not exactly good looking, they have neglected their bodies for the most part and while I am not saying this is okay, it doesn't have to have a negative impact on self esteem. The point is that I can be confident even if I was not as fit as I am today. What I also seem to think is that it is weird that I am not confident because I have very impressive results at the gym. Quite frankly, if I consider how much I lift and what I look like, I really have something to be proud of. Other people have mad respect for me in this case and I really should think the same. All the while, it is still good to have drive for success to continue pushing myself in the gym, but also outside the gym.

I remember back in the days when I would feel extremely confident because I just felt great in my body. My hairstyle would be on point, my body looking strong and I generally felt ready to flirt with women and even I would get rejected, I could take that hit easily. These days it all feels a bit more fragile in terms of ego and confidence. You know what is funny is that actually my confidence should be sky high because I have come out of depression for the most part and managed to get my gym results to the next level while also working my first official full time sales job.

I tell myself that I am not assertive at the job for example, that it is difficult for me to speak up with confidence or that I sometimes speak quietly and that other people will easily speak over me. On the contrary, it is known that people have respect for what I do in the gym but also my general sense of honesty and sincere respect. During my time of depression and rough times I have learnt the great skill of openly discussing my struggles and realizing that talking about my problems or indicating my borders/limits is not a sign of weakness but strength!

One question I keep asking myself is, why can I not be confident and energetic like the old days? The days where I would almost fearlessly chat up girls and have a great time in general. I think the answer lies not so much in the physical attributes and the things I do, but more the mental way, the thinking patterns. I have experimented on a large scale with exercising a lot, different types, long walks and gym sessions and have found that while it relaxes me, great confidence is obtained in a different way. If I have great results in the gym, but tell myself that I am weak because I am progressing slowly, it will likely not have the desired result.

I have attained great results in the gym:
Bench press one rep max is almost at 150kg
Squatting for reps is now 160kg
Deadlift one rep max is now 255kg

My general fitness and physique is very good, I am really happy with it.

I have shown that I can take calls, inbound as well as outbound. I might not be extremely confident in the process at all time, but there are times in which I am confident.

Another thing I seem to tell myself is that I have lost the skill of talking to women and generally the dating game as a whole. On the contrary, I talk to women at the gym. I talk to women at work. I have my confident moments. There is absolutely no reason why I couldn't be confident. In fact, I am likely to become as I used to be if my mindset changes to what I used to think. There is just no reason why it couldn't be like that.

Another thing is that I seem to think I cannot handle alcohol and long night out more, that I need to sleep more to be stable and properly functioning. All of this probably has a high level of truth in itself because stressful times require more sleep and more attention than relaxed times. In the past this was no different. I remember that also then I would get moody and so on if I didn't sleep enough. The main point of comparing myself with my own past is to come to the insight that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with my body that prevents me from enjoying a good night out with friends.

Another point is that I seem to feel and think that I am blocked in my vocal expression (throat area), associated with verbal expression. The thought is that my muscles in that area have become tense over time, meaning that I am now dealing with the consequences and as a result cannot properly talk or expres myself verbally. While I have researched this and there might be some truth in tense muscles, I also know that if I focus on it too much it will probably take effect. A more realistic approach is that I can generally ask for things if I want them and also indicate my limits, such as that I do not want to join for a night out or cannot join a workout because of an injury. These may sound like easy thing, but they do indicate that I do not just go along with everyone and have no own say in matters including me. I do indicate my preference and while I would describe myself as an agreeable person, I will stand for my own rights.

 

I have completed another week at my new job and honestly I can say there were quite a few confident and confronting moment with which I can say I have dealt confidently. Now at the end of the week I feel super tired and I will allow myself to feel tired. I have decided to pick up therapy again because I still feel like I am struggling with things in my life. Some examples include not being assertive enough, insecurity, avoidance behavior and also some physical complaints such as eye muscles pulling but also a tense body in general.

I also have another thought which seems to be that I feel as if my mom is draining my energy. I am 100% sure it it not her intention to drain my energy and although it might affect me to some extent, it certainly should not be the way to go. There is gonna be a lot of different people in my life and all of them are different, the key will be to remain myself and keep my own natural energetic levels. My point is that if I focus on myself, I do not have to feel so hyped or drained by other people. What I MUST realize is that the fact my mom or dad may not always appear to me as willing to support, they certainly are. Being assertive is becoming a thing more and more common as I progress in my new job and yeah, it does take a lot of energy but will it ever all go perfect? Probably not, hhaha.

One major struggle I experience in moments of stress is that my throat gets really tense and I start having trouble swallowing. I have told myself that I have suffered from a blocked throat as a result of not expression enough vocally, but perhaps my throat is not that blocked and I just talk myself into it. Whether it actually is or not, it is not productive to feel/think that my body is blocked. In fact, I have always been consistent with training, so I really let out a lot of energy all the time. I am most probably really overthinking this and I shouldn't do that.

 

I am sort of experimenting with my mental health and can safely say that Vitamin D is not making any significant changes in my health levels. I feel quite tired during the day as well as in the evening and have a strong belief that there is something mentally at play here. I read about it online and it seems that being kind to yourself can do amazing things, especially if you're someone like me who holds very high standards of himself and wants to do many things perfectly. My goal for today is to write at least 5 things that are kind to myself, honest things.

I have done an amazing job at communicating my honest thoughts about my job to both my dad and my manager at work. Although it is not the most pleasant outcome for all, it is still an honest and very respectable way of doing things and honestly the way I communicate this with my manager at work is very good. I have done a great job at this, even though it was hard for me.

Another amazing thing is that I have been honest with my friends that I have been feeling stressed lately and I told them that because of that I have not attended our last meetings. Yet again, a very honest and respectable thing to do and honestly I should give myself credit for this because its really nice.

Another really positive thing is that I today allow myself to relax in the evening without really doing anything. This means not going to the gym or doing anything in particular, just relaxing. It is good to hold myself accountable for going to the gym, but I am very happy and pleased to allow myself some free evenings from the gym because my mental health in the most important thing at this moment. Very good of me to make this decision.

I am extremely kind to myself in the sense that I am constantly looking for ways to improve my mental health and everything. Perhaps I should do exactly the opposite and allow myself to do nothing instead of constantly searching for self improvement ways. Basically I know I am very kind to myself in this way, but letting go can be a great thing because it takes of all the pressure and initial thought that something needs to change.

I would like to tell myself also that I am a very kind person to other people. For example in my communication with fellow employees I was extremely friendly with them today. I do not need to be like that but do so because I honestly feel like I want to. I am a very kind person and always willing to help others and should give myself some credit for this for sure.

 

One consistent patterns that comes back nearly every day in my thinking pattern is that I am supposed to do things to make my mental health improve. To give an example, I would sort of force myself to go to the gym because otherwise I know I could be feeling more stressed. Another example is that I need to take my pills for vitamin D or others because I am dependent on them for being energetic. Yet another factor is when I get invited to a party, I emphasize on the fact that alcohol has negative effects and that I won't ever be able to drink in larger quantities again. The point is that back in the days I also used to attend parties and they actually gave me energy, I remember feeling the hangover the next day but still feeling good because of all the fun times and connections with friends. All in all attending a party is not that bad if I can get energy or enthusiasm from it.

My goal is to focus more on just being and going with whatever I want to do. I don't need to go gym or need to sleep early, f*ck all of that, I will do whatever makes me happy and the natural happiness is a byproduct of doing what I want to do.

 

I am really busy with tensions in my body. Other people don't do this really.

Also, I am really busy with how other people view me, whereas in reality everyone else is just living their life, not focusing on me but themselves.

 

Coming back to yesterday's post, the thought processes are changing over time, in a positive way. I am very busy with tensions in my body, but also thinking a lot about how I am behaving and what other people think of me. An example is when I was having dinner with colleagues and I was feeling insecure because I am so occupied with all sorts of things. Other people really aren't doing that.