Regaining trust and bond?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by CastleBlack, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

    18
    11
    3
    What do you do to rebuild trust and bond? I found out almost two weeks ago that he had relapsed, that the relaspe started in June of last year and coincided with some dates that are particularly painful for me. It has been an issue since at least 2007. I decided that he has one last chance, that I would stay as long as there are NO MORE relapses. But things have been REALLY hard lately. I also happen to be 6 months pregnant so I know my hormones are overactive as it is, and I've been very depressed. It's like I'm holding back because I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Unfortunately his reaction is to pull away, and the distance between us is just getting worse. He said tonight that he doesn't feel like anything he does is right. It feels wrong to comfort him when ultimately he has brought all of this upon us. So, if we are going to make another go of it, what are some things both of us can do to heal? Because right now I feel like I'm dying inside and I don't know what to do
     
    Hotpotts likes this.
  2. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

    71
    60
    18
    I honestly think relapses will happen, the important thing is that he is honest with you when it happens. I stressed this to my husband the previous time I found out.... That I wouldn't leave him because of porn but that I might for lying. That is part of what made this past time (a year ago) so dang difficult for me. If I knew I could trust him, we could get past porn. I know he knows it logically but the shame overcomes reason. He said he was praying and praying to stop and when I confrontes him that maybe it was his prayer being answered. Honesty would have made this so much easier. I
     
    Deleted Account and 21yearsin like this.
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,441
    143
    That was my exes response when I got upset aboout the PMO “I cannot do anything right.” To me that was an effort to make me not confront him and to diminish how horrible what he did truly was. I wish I could give you some magic pill to rebuild trust but the truth is the only person that can make this change is him. Until he starts to give you reason to trust him again, you are not going to be able to do that. You may want to do that, and that’s all that I think is required of you, being open to trusting again, but the rest is on him. I agree that slip ups are going to happen, and it’s up to you to decide how many slip ups are too many for you to handle, and no one can pass judgment on you for that. I don’t see his relapse as a huge red flag, but his continuing to hide it from you to me is gravely concerning. He has not changed his thought process. Who knows when he will?
     
    Torn, StillLori and Numb like this.
  4. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

    71
    60
    18
    I think this is where we all have the most issues. Those of us who have husband's that acknowledge the pain and are actively trying to stop, that is. If I could trust that he would tell me about the slip up and not just try to "take care of it on his own" we would be so much better off. And he actually did once when it wasn't full blown porn, so I thought we could actually beat this. But the next time, instead of telling me, he just deleted the app he used. Which I guess worked until he found another app, and then deleted that and then deleted virtually all apps off his phone to try to stop himself. So I mean, I guess it's good that he was trying to stop. And I understand why he thought in his head that he could just stop and not have to hurt me, but that just wasn't the way it played out. If he would have told me after his first slip up we would be fine right now. Tomorrow will be a year since I confronted him and a year he has been free (it was 5 years before that). I really don't know how to get him to tell me. I know it sucks in the moment and really for a week of sadness, but this year long recovery period has been so much more devastating.
     
    Numb likes this.
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,441
    143
    There really is not anything you can do to get him to tell you. Many addicts will say that they would reveal more it the SO did not react or get angry but to me that’s unrealistic and unfair. I think most of us are okay with a few slip ups but after so many the addict needs to realize he’s going really get an upset reaction and he deserves it. We all have to do decide when enough is enough.

    The not telling your partner something when you know it could upset them is indicative of a mindset that is much larger than porn or even addiction. And I think that’s why it upsets us so much. If he can’t discuss uncomfortable stuff with us than what the heck else is he hiding? What else will he hide? How can you trust him to be honest? I read a quote on Pinterest and it perfectly described this for me. “A lie is like being given a pill For pain. It provides temporary immediate relief but does not fix the underlying problem just temporarily covers it up. The truth is like having surgery. It hurts a lot at the time and takes awhile to recover from but it will fix your pain not just cover it up.”
     
  6. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

    71
    60
    18
    You know, the last two major events I did not react badly. In the beginning I was much more prone to getting really angry, probably not to the point of yelling but I actually threw away a picture of us once. Anyway the last time like that was about 10 years ago. As I have gotten older (we married relatively young) ... But still I'm only 32 now, I don't react that way. Part of it is I have a job where high stress physical situations happen and I have to remain calm and level headed (Jr high teacher of severely handicapped children) so I don't react that way at anything. Anyway, I am relatively certain that he isn't afraid of my reaction. I have promised him that I wouldn't leave because of porn but I might for lying..... Yet he still lies. That's not quite fair. It has been a year, and since then he has told me of several loopholes in our former system he has found and we took care of them before he used them. He could have used them and I never would have known. Now there is a magazine about cars he gets that regularly has scandalous ads and the first thing he does is rip them out before he reads any of it. So me presenting him like he is dishonest most of the time is not accurate. It seems he has been pretty good about telling me when he has figures something out before it happens, but has difficulty if he falls to temptation.
     
    Trappist and GG2002 like this.
  7. Hey there - hope you're doing better now :) Where is he in his recovery? Has he admitted to PA or is he excusing it? Is he on this site/in therapy? It makes a big difference to a positive/negative recovery with less risk of relapse if he is "owning" the problem and not blaming you or others. So sorry you're going through this when you're pregnant. Sending peace X
     
  8. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

    18
    11
    3
    He has admitted to PA but really porn isn't my big issue; his problem is that porn isn't enough anymore and it will escalate to him posting on CL soliciting for sex. If it was just porn I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't feel quite as betrayed. I can't say I'm unhappy that CL and similar sites have had to remove their "personals" pages but I know that there will be other ways.

    This most recent discovery of relapse was damn near the end of our 12 year relationship. If I wasn't pregnant it would have been. I had asked him semi recently how things had been going since the last time I caught him and he denied posting but admitted to watching porn. I told him at that time that porn made me uncomfortable and asked him to stop and he said he would. In the past I only asked him to stop posting because neither of us realized (or he didn't admit) that porn was really the gateway issue. Not only did he continue to view porn after that but he continued posting and had been off and on for almost a year.

    This time after getting caught (and getting so close to losing me) he has admitted that porn AND posting need to cease and that he needs help doing it. I did a bunch of research and gave him multiple options for help (this site, therapy, books, etc) and at first he was somewhat receptive but then he started saying that he doesn't want to be pushed. I get that but I need to be kept in the loop, too. He says he has checked out this site a bit but I don't know if he's actually posted anything. He won't talk to me about it because he says I make him feel ashamed? I just want him to talk to me about it! I want to know his triggers and help him redirect but I can't do that if he doesn't talk to me! It's all so frustrating.
     
  9. Hi CastleB - nice to hear from you but sorry for the circumstances. I hope all is well with your pregnancy X

    at first he was somewhat receptive but then he started saying that he doesn't want to be pushed.

    This sounds familiar. The first two times my PA had to admit he'd gone back to porn he promised me the same thing. He did go to therapy but the problem (I'm only talking about my situation now) was more fundamental than the type of therapy he was having. He didn't want it.

    Oh sure, he wanted me to think he'd stopped, that way he could have his cake & eat it (not that he could with PIED). He has said since that he just didn't think porn was wrong. It turned out that porn wasn't just the problem, he'd taken it to escalation stage too but always had an excuse, "It was an experiment", "It's something all men do", "I didn't think telling you was relevant", "It's not a big deal to us men", "I did it with the door locked" etc. etc. He even said he couldn't wait the 5 days a month (when I can't have sex) and had to go back to porn. 5 fucking days.

    Fortunately, my PA is now in real recovery, the change has been so substantial, it feels like a whole different relationship. He's treating me like a queen (I was just hoping for equal :)), putting daily work into his recovery and has completely changed his views on his own thinking. He says (and he's nailed it here) that he turning from a boy into a man. And it's true. Even the way he talks is different. In fact, he's just started to support other SOs (as well as PAs) on this site and is totally sympathetic to them. He validates the damage sex/porn addiction has on the partner and their feelings, he also does not excuse the PAs behaviour anymore. Not. At. All.

    I found that the key thing is this. He has put all the effort into changing, has taken full responsibility for his thinking and is living by healthier values now. It took me packing boxes to leave him for this to happen but the difference in him is astonishing. He is definitely winning me back round again although, of course, I don't quite believe it yet. He fully accepts that and understood why before I had to explain. He understands this because he's gone out of his way to learn about SO impact and hurt. He's practising a whole new conduct towards relationships and sex. He also seems happier in general. He's singing while cleaning up, doesn't get so wound up about work and is so more relaxed.

    This is only our story and your situation might be completely different and recovery might be on a different path too. I tried to get my PA to stop acting out for the whole 3 years of our relationship and he lied, minimised his behaviour and blamed everything else. He did nothing to help himself. But when he decided to get better for him (and consequentially the relationship), it worked. He found a programme for living going forward, thanks to our NoFap brother @GhostWriter who was patient, persistent and guided him to a recovery that worked for him. Just as a side note: Ghostie suggested a book which he read within 4-5 days and it was that one book, that has caused this change in him. It's like he's woke up.

    Mention this to your PA. If he seeks @GhostWriter out, he'll find the name of this book and if he wants, he can read it himself. I'm not going to give you the title/authors here for a very important reason. He has to get off his arse and put some work in. He has to own his problem. If you do it for him, it might not work.

    In the meantime, please keep updating us to how you are. If we can't help your PA, we can still support you and this should make you feel less alone.

    Sending you love & light. Please take care of yourself and the baby X
     
    Numb and Jennica like this.
  10. CastleBlack

    CastleBlack Fapstronaut

    18
    11
    3
    Yes, Tina that's what I want! It's like he cares for a week after he gets caught and then he slips right back into his old routines. I don't think he has looked at porn this last month or so but I don't think he's done much soul searching or whatever else he needs to do to overcome it once and for all. I know he can "behave" for a month or even several, but it's never lasted more than that. He agreed that he needs help to quit once and for all but he has stopped seeking it, at least as far as I know since he won't talk about it and me asking about it somehow equals me pushing him. I wish I had started packing. I've threatened to leave before and I know last time he got caught I said the next would be the last, yet here I am. It makes me feel like a fool, or the classic definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I don't know how to make him WANT it on his own!? If he truly wants me, does "everything for me" like he claimed and KNOWS that he needs outside help in order to accomplish overcoming this then why the fuck is he just sitting around? I just can't even articulate how frustrated I am.

    Side note, pregnancy has gone very well so far and my due date is approaching frighteningly fast! Only 6 more weeks
     
    Numb and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Hi CastleB. I'm pleased to hear the pregnancy's going well, although it is such a special time in a woman's life, I think it also makes you extra vulnerable right now. Please be kind to yourself X

    I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like you're not in denial. Some SOs excuse their PAs behaviour, personally I think it's cringeworthy but it sounds like you do understand what's going on and you've been vocal about being upset. Good for you. It means that you are in recovery, even if he isn't. And you're right, it is totally frustrating, especially when you heal a bit and they do it again. I don't want that feeling back.

    Some may advise that you stay for the sake of the family but I wonder to what detriment? Sadly, you can't just switch your feelings off and PA behaviour affects SOs, that's it. No So is a terminator, we are affected and damaged just like all humans.

    Would love to tell you to pray and it'll come good so long as you stand by your man. But I'm not naive (and I don't think you are either) - I've also found more strength as a female and mother when I became a single mother. That's when I got off my arse and improved my life. I'm not advising it for your case but it might not be a bad idea to get a plan B. A solid one. Then if it ever gets to the point where staying is more painful than leaving, you have a plan in place. You might never need it. But it's a good safety net.

    If he wants help, he needs to put the effort in. There are plenty of PAs in recovery that can help him if he wants it. Sadly, mine didn't until I made the real decision to leave, heartbroken but a little dignity left. That serious step made him reconsider and now we're taking it a day at a time. If you want a newly recovered PA opinion, my PA is @desperate for recovery and I'm sure he'd be happy to help.

    If your PA doesn't put the effort into recovery, you know where you stand.Then you have a decision to make.

    We are all here for you, my friend X
     

Share This Page