Regrets. Do something before it is too late.

I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. We have a 16-month-old son who is the love of my life. We all live together with her 12-year-old son. We had a great relationship, with chemistry off the charts. We could share and talk about anything. We shared laughs at just about anything. We goofed around and made such fools of ourselves, just for our own entertainment. We love our little baby. We make a great team and partnership. We had great sexual energy and communication. We had been through so much together in such a relatively short period of time. We were there for each other. We trusted each other. She has always trusted me and been vulnerable to me. Something that is so hard for any of us to do. And each trying experience brought us closer together and our bond and connection strengthened. We always came out together. I cared deeply for her and she cared deeply for me. I love her and the family we had started.



Then she discovered my pornography addiction.



And it shattered her. It shattered our family. It sent her reeling emotionally and physically. Everything that we had worked together towards and everything that we had built together was now suddenly in shambles. The status of our once solid relationship was now up in the air. Every act of kindness is now tainted by porn. Every kiss or intimate moment is now poisoned by porn. Every single act of love is now destroyed by porn. It is the evil specter that pervades everything. It all means nothing now, because behind every single act of love and care, was a deep, dark, disgusting, and hurtful secret and addiction.



She is hurt. She is angry. She is sad. She is in such pain. She is dealing with the trauma of betrayal. And I did this.



I have been porn-free officially since June 18th. And each day has been a struggle. Not because I am tempted to watch porn. That has remained easy so far. But it has been a struggle because I think about all the pain and damage I have inflicted on her and our son. She has shown me nothing but love, kindness, patience, grace, and care. Even to this day. She still manages to flash me a smile, talk to me, let me kiss her shoulder. Yesterday, we were at the store, and she came close into me, and let me kiss her head. I could have died of happiness right then and there. I am so grateful for these moments. Despite everything, she is still good to me.



I cry everyday. I am consumed with guilt and regrets. I feel such pain. I made choices and knowingly did things that I knew would harm her and our life together. I wish I could go back in time and change everything, be a better and honest person to her right from the start. I think about all the times when she was kind to me, made me feel better when I was sad or hurt, all the times she went out of her way to make me feel special. I picture her smiling, laughing. I picture us laying in bed and soaking in each other’s warmth. I think about how innocent and sweet she had been. And I think about how cruel I had been behind her back. How she was blindsided. How she now questions everything, herself, her value, the legitimacy of our relationship. I think about how selfish and self-indulgent and self-serving I had been. I thought of nothing and no one but myself.



How could I do these things? How could I watch porn? How could I hurt her? What did I get out of it? Why did I do this? I cannot for the life of me know why or remember my reasons. I didn’t get anything out of it. It was never worth it. The focus should have been on her, on us, on cultivating a loving and lasting relationship. And I am realizing this much too late. The damage is done.



I know what I value. I value her. And our life together. And for these reasons, I am on NoFap and in recovery. I am choosing love. I am choosing to get help, be informed, be introspective, seek treatment, abstain from all things porn and all things inappropriate and risqué. That part will be the easy part for me. I made such grave and costly mistakes. The difficulty will come in restoring trust, restoring faith in me. Restoring the adherence to my core values and morals, proving that I am the man she fell in love with.



And I don’t even know if she will stay with me. We are still talking things over. and she is sorting herself out, thinking about what it is she wants, and how much more she should compromise herself for this relationship.



I am working on myself, working on being a better person. I am doing these things for myself, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite, someone who supports such a heinous and disgusting industry. It is a blight on this world. It is a blight on love and relationships. I am getting help for myself. But I wish it will be for her too. I wish that she will stay and see and benefit from my personal improvement.



I did everything I could to hurt her, but now there is nothing I can do that will heal. I am remaining positive and am tenacious about recovery and rebooting.



There is more to the story and I'm sure I have left out some details, but it is difficult to fit in two and half years of betrayal in a few paragraphs. If you are reading this, and are struggling with addiction and the truth and keeping secrets, do something about it before it is too late. Do something before you hurt your loved ones even more than you have. It isn’t worth it. Real love is worth it. I learned this far too late. And my love, my life, my family, is paying for it dearly

 

First I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement. It means alot and further motivates me to remain accountable and perservere.

Today has been a decent day. My girlfriend agreed to meet me for lunch and we were able to chit chat and laugh and have a genuine good time and I saw glimpses of the old her and it was like old times. But these types of moments don’t seem to last long before the pain creeps back in. Right now I can see that she is a little distant and reserved, lost in thought. All I want to do is comfort her, talk things over, apologize profusely. But how can I bring her comfort when I am the one who is causing the pain? Moments like these are so difficult. My heart breaks and I don’t know what the best way is to navigate through it.

 

I’m not sure how receptive she will be to some of the things I feel and have to say..sometimes I think the wounds I’ve caused are too deep at times

I have taken some steps towards recovery. I am seeing a therapist once a week. I started attending SA Recovery meetings. I am reading articles and watching videos dealing with the detriments of porn and how these acts of infidelity affect partners and myself. I have installed accountability appa on my phone and computer. But all these measures seem to be about me and helping myself. I’m not sure what things I can do to help my girlfriend directly..