Rejected by wife

Yes, without PMO we are exposed to all of life's problems without the 'medication' porn used to give us. Rejection is a powerful trigger and can lead to thoughts of 'taking care of myself'. Loneliness is another potent emotion that makes us run to porn for comfort. Steer your desire to do something into other pursuits. Do things around the house. Spend time with the kids. Catch up on the honey-do list. Keep doing small, kind things for your wife even when she's not looking. Do these things because it's right, not because you want her to forgive you.

Right now you've both just fallen off a motorcycle and are covered with road-rash. A little bit of physical comfort would go a long way but it's unavailable right now. Stick to your plan and continue to become a better man in every other facet of your life.

 

I don't mean to pry and feel free to not tell, but what did you do or what happened to cause the rejection? I understand if its hard to share and there is no obligation to.

 

No matter how bad it gets, and no matter how much you think there is no hope, and especially no matter how much you think "what more does she expect of me?!" don't give up, and never never never stop being the husband she deserved in the first place, even if it feels like she doesn't deserve that husband at the time. You have to love her throughout the hate. You have to do it heroically and know it doesn't make you a hero.

I know this is a biblical reference, but I think it is applicable to anybody. In Corinthians, Paul writes for husbands "to love your wives as Christ loves His Church." Whether you believe in Christ or not, what St. Paul is calling you to do here is exactly what you need to do. So if you aren't Christian, just accept the Christian Truth for the sake of this argument, to understand what he means. We hurt God with our sins. We do this constantly. We turn our backs on him when it seems easier, or preferable to just do whatever we want. We treat Him despicably, and without the love He deserves. How did He, who is all powerful, and indebted to no one, respond? He entered into time, become a human being of flesh and blood, only so that He could teach us a little, and then suffer horrendously to allow us to justly return to Him. I was watching a lecture once where this passage was mentioned, and a priest did something I'll never forget for the rest of my life. He said "do you want to follow this command, husbands? Do you want to be the husband and the man you're meant to be?" He turned and pointed at the crucifix over the altar, and said "that's your model."

I don't know what you believe, but whether you believe in Jesus Christ as God Incarnate, or as a fable, you can model yourself after His unfathomable sacrifice, made purely out of love. Make the sacrifice of being hated, of being rejected, and of suffering all the consequences and outcomes of the situation. Wake up every day, and get excited about the opportunity to do it, and throw your entire self into this effort. For your wife. For your family. For yourself. Even if you never regain what you had with your wife, this is what your children will believe a husband and a father to be. This is what your sons will emulate. This is what your daughters will expect of a man. That alone makes it worth it.

 

But when did this start? what did you or she do?

 

As a partner, I can tell you that was my exact reaction once I found out. For at least a week or two weeks I didn't want anything to do with my partner I was feeling so betrayed. I didn't want to touch him, look at him, be around him, or talk to him. It was a tough period, but it will come to an end. It takes time for someone to digest the news that their husband prefers porn to them (that's how most women take it). I personally take PMO as cheating (my definition of cheating is anything you have to hide from your partner, well you're cheating your partner in one way or another [whether it's financial, physical, emotional, mental]) because I told my partner prior to our relationship I didn't want porn in my relationship due to anorexia. So when I found out I was devastated.

I don't know your personal situation but if she ever made it clear she doesn't want porn in the relationship, or in your vows you said, "forsake all others" well to her it probably meant to forsake all others (in any form and she assumed you would only have eyes for her and be sexual with her).

Give it time, give some space if needed, and try communicating later, or through a letter if face to face will end up in a fight. Keep hope, keep being in recovery so you can prove to her you mean you're quitting. She needs to know that (if you lied to her) you can be trustworthy. Ask her what she needs during this time and respect that.

 

Fuck this guilt trip, man.

She's treating you like garbage. Are you a street dog? Do you plan to spend the rest of your life wagging your tail expecting emotional crumbs?

If you are sure that she is faithful to you, and you don't want to divorce her because of your kids, great. Totally acceptable, and even praiseworthy.

But for God's sake, get rid of guilt, have dignity, don't beg for attention or physical contact and do the reboot for yourself. It is very clear that she won't help you, that she doesn't want to help you. Help yourself, man. Will you guys ever understand that you won't succeed unless you have self-respect? If you think you don't deserve a better life, you may as well continue masturbating, being treated like a street dog in a failed marriage, living as if you were the incarnation of Atlas, carrying the weight of the universe on your back. Fuck that shit.

I have no experience with relationships, but I have three sisters, and I see how they behave with their boyfriends. When the guy looks desperate, they run like there's no tomorrow. When the guy is cold and distant, they go crazy, it's like a riddle to them.

Your best chance, your only chance, is to give your wife the space she wants. If she tells you that she does not love you, that she does not want to be touched by you, that she will never sleep with you again and so on, say nothing, pay no attention. Go play with your kids. Go jogging. Be a mirror, but don't reflect her insults, reflect her coldness instead, reflect her silence.

And yes, start planning your future without your wife.

If you can fix your marriage, excellent. Marriages should be eternal. If you can't, I'm sorry, but life is short, and you are not the greatest excrescence of planet earth for masturbating. You deserve a woman who really likes you, who cares about you, who doesn't treat you as if you were an amalgamation of Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin.

 

Take your red pills and push them somewhere else. These are the wages of the harm we cause our spouses by our actions in this addiction.

 

I don't give a shit about your red pills. I'm not American. American politics and activism is nothing to me. Besides, I'll post whatever I want wherever I want, just like you.

 

You don't know what red pill means, obviously, because it has nothing to do with politics, American or otherwise, and is not at all restricted geographically. And American politics aren't "mine" for the record.

You're spouting self important, entitled, aggressive BS. That's the crux of red pill. If you want to know more, Google will help you find your bridge dwelling brethren.

 

Told my wife about my porn addiction and NoFap.... I think I'm heading towards divorce now.

 

I feel like I'm cutting an onion here.
Stay strong & do the right things no matter what!!
I feel ya bro..

 

@ParvusSapentia, please don't listen to someone who has 'no experience with relationships'. We do not throw our wives away as if they are a disposable commodity. Our wives are not some one-night-stand that someone might chase after. We don't move on unless they file for divorce. We made vows before God or Government to love and cherish them. We might have messed up yesterday, but our vows still stand today.

There is a time for patience and a time to speak. There is never a time to respond with anger, cruelty, silence, coldness, or disdain. Absorb the punishment, process it, and let it go. You have the right attitude now. Just stick to your plan and be patient.

 

As a partner of someone with PIED I concur. I also agree that many therapists don't believe it's an issue and often blame the partner making it 100 times worse! The best advice I can give you is fall on your sword. Do not act defensive. Offer to answer whatever questions she has. Be 100 percent open with her in every area of your life. Do not slip up but if you do be honest. Do nice things show her how much she means to you. In time it's likely she will forgive you but don't push her.