Rejected by wife

Personally I never used porn instead of making love to my wife.

Porn was a selfish misguided way of trying to get my needs met, and I didn't realize how badly it impacted my world view, or contributed to our intimacy problems and the distance between us. I see now that the impact my clouded thinking had on my wife.

Wish I saw it sooner, but I can only work to change the future.

Among the things I'm trying to give up are ogling and fantasizing.
To be honest given the state of my home life and my marriage it is difficult to not imagine having someone love me enough to give me a hug, make love to me and tell me life is good.

 

I get it. Really and truly do.

The next morning I apologized again for being the source of her pain and rage but made it absolutely clear that there is no hitting or causing physical pain in our house - not to me or our son. she didn't get it, didt apologize for any of her behavior in front of the kids but then again after 15 years I've learned the best I'll ever get is 'it is unfortunate we had a negative interaction'

On top of her poorly treated chemical imbalance she is dealing with an existential crisis (kids are old enough that they need her less and less and it's time for her to re-enter the workforce), add in my depression and betrayal... totally have sympathy and compassion.

I am in no way worried about my physical safety, I'm a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier. I'm on my guard and will just try to de-escalate when things get heated. I'm more concerned about her doing this in front of the kids!

I know your feel like all of this is entirely because of my Pmo issues, but I am not responsible for her chemical imbalance.

At the start of our relationship we found comfort in each other, then we enabled each other, and we've reached a point where our mental health issues are reinforcing each other's.

My sincerest hope is that couples therapy will cause her to both open up and look inside.

I think we could work towards establishing a healthy relationship, but I can't do it alone.

 

Some forward momentum!

I just had a long talk with my wife over coffee this morning. She actually apologized for the knife thing, and explained that she is tapering off meds and is terrified about the future.

I apologized for betraying her, and we talked without me trying to blame her or making any excuse about my behavior about how badly her rejections hurt me over the years (didn't have sex on our wedding night, our honeymoon in Hawaii was the least romantic and erotic experience)... I explained how many times she rejected me, and although she claims out sex life was "normal" bc we had sex at least once most weeks, I was able to explain that because she was only doing it out of obligation and not desire for me the sex was empty and sad.

She tried to guilt me into believing I'm a pervert with unrealistic expectations, and I just stayed calm and reminded her of all the times I've explained to her that it's not sex per se, but the lack of desire and intimacy, the fact that she never wants to go anywhere or do anything etc that contributed to our relationship deteriorating.

I absolutely tried to make it clear I take responsibility for looking at porn and lying about it, also other things like not setting good boundaries with my family, and during my depression cycle was lazyness etc.

This was real progress, for the first time I think she sees that there is more to this all than just me being a jerk. We are definitely getting a divorce. We agreed maybe we never should have married... not a mistake because of our wonderful kids.

We're going to therapy to navigate the split as amicably as possible so the kids are protected.

She again said I'm free to get my needs met elsewhere as it could take us a year or more to fix the house enough that we could sell it for top dollar... I'm not sure I'm comfortable with finding another partner while still married. It's not JUST sex I want, plus how would the logistics work?

 

Thanks the progress towards civility is kind of predictated on us both accepting we maybe shouldn't have ever gotten married. We're going to therapy but the focus is navigating the exit I think.

I'm 42, and still libido hasn't waned a bit since I was 16! Sex isn't really what I'm seeking but intimacy of some kind with another would make me feel so alive.

Im in no rush, and I'm going to double down on my commitment to move in the direction of health.

 

Thanks very much, that echoes the advice my father gave me - the worst thing that could happen to me already did.

Now I have to spend a year or two dealing with the aftershocks and rebuilding my life.

I am trying to just learn my lessons and forgive and be forgivable so we don't carry this all through life.

I think my strongest quality is the capacity to learn ... I don't have patience but clearly that will have to change!

 

And of course now that I finally have come to terms with the death of our marriage and essentially spent the last 4 months slowly letting her go, and finally convinced myself that she was right that the life I have slaved to build was a complete crock of shit,
she is saying there may be a chance to salvage things.

She wants to go to therapy with an open mind. I just don't know how I'm supposed to spend my life with someone who at a moments notice could decide I'm not worth it.

Of course I see the irony, in that she is also taking a leap of faith, as I could hurt her again, and probably will because dispute the past months of health I have a lifetime of dysfunction to relearn.

Three weeks ago I was still wearing my ring and holding on to hope. She convinced me that was stupid. Now that I've given up hope and I am looking to figure out how to split amicably, she suddenly thinks there is a chance?

Where does abuse start and end?
Is she manipulating me?

Is it delusion to think this has nothing to do with her loving me and everything to do with her being terrified to go out on her own? She still cringes when I touch her. I know she spoke to a lawyer and has been looking for a job, and the reality of what life would look like without me must have shaken her.

I just don't know anymore.

Anyone who has made it to the other side have words to help me hope?

 

Thank you as always Jolie. You echo my therapist, father and best friend... and my instincts.

I just promised to love her for life and know I hurt her... but perpetuating this cycle won't make up for the past.

I can make up for my wrongs by being a good father and steady ally for her in co-parenting.

 

Today she actually apologized for rejecting my attempts at reconciliation and apologies. She wants us to go into therapy with an open mind.

Sounds great but that doesn't mean I'm buying back into the relationship yet. I'm examining what it would take for me to stay with her. Theoretically if she is capable of truly hearing my concerns instead of belittling them, is committed to our marriage and making changes, owning her side and facing her mental illness than maybe just maybe we can make it. I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to believe the other shoe isn't gonna drop... but again if she can take a leap of faith maybe I can. I know the pendulum could swing back, but kids deserve us making a concerted effort.

I certainly know the changes I've made need to be permanent in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I'm happy to get the chance to work through our problems, maybe it will prevent us carrying our issues through life even if we can't walk together. I know I have a lot to apologize for, glad l'll have the chance.