Rejected :(

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Namekian23, Dec 20, 2014.

  1. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I wonder why I have problems talking to girls. I waited for months to tell this girl that I hoped she had a Merry Christmas. I've liked her for years. Last year I noticed she was having a lot of hardships, so I decided to comfort her on Facebook. Somehow, she gave me her cell. I didn't knew if it was related, but I didn't keep it. We weren't close enough to that extent and I didn't want to tell her the truth. I didn't want to be embarrassed. I contacted her again on Facebook a while ago and talked to her about last year. I told her if she needed help that she would just ask. I didn't get any response. She probably took it the wrong way. When it comes to girls, I just say or do the wrong thing. In fact, I think this is the final straw. I've been rejected too many times because of my insecurity. I really need to back away from the fear of rejection and girls in general. I'm done with them. I've had it. I can't stand them. My heart can't bear it anymore. Before I used to get very angry, but now I'm just like whatever. I've been wanting to change myself for longest time. Such as being more confident in myself, to be less insecure, and the list goes on. Many of you guys have suggested that I should really work on "myself" in order to be confident around girls. My heart is going to heal like before, but I'm afraid to even try again with another girl. She was the one of the few only girls that was friends with me for the longest time and she knew that I liked her. People can change, but I haven't. Maybe now's the time. It's time to focus on me and only me...
     
  2. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Yeah we've all been there. Girls don't dig insecurity and stalking for a year then revealing your feelings.

    Get the pattern right from the get go.
     
  3. There's no way to get better at meeting girls. All this pickup bullshit is simply designed to be a quick, easy fix to a complex, emotional/psychological issue. What you just described is a classic instance of infatuation. You don't like the girl for her personality. You like her because she's hot and vulnerable. You think she's different from all the other hot girls but she isn't.

    You're better off moving on and not clinging, dude. The only way to get better with girls is to STOP LOOKING. Stop trying to turn yourself into a more confident guy and just be yourself. The second you stop trying to find the perfect girl you'll meet someone.
     
  4. There was a Chinese girl that I was totally attracted to OP. If you read my journal I was just as frustrated and insane with lust as you currently are. I was absolutely furious that I was rejected. I thought I was attracted to her cute, innocent personality and her rocking body. But 4 months or so later she gained a ton of weight (from the stresses of school, I guess) And I no longer had any desire to be with her. It wasn't her personality at all but I convinced myself that it was. I can safely say that I'm selfish and superficial. But I'm honest and congruent at the same time.

    You just have to stop putting cute girls on a pedestal OP. Stop putting all your eggs in one basket and building, and building, and building up to that initial interaction until it gets to the point where you feel suicidal if she rejects you and anything other than full acceptance is insufficient.

    Some people have an easy time picking up chicks and some people have difficult time. You and I and many others on this forum fall into the latter category. But never allow yourself to lose control. YOU are the boss. YOU are the man. You shouldn't;t be asking permission to be with someone. They should be lining up and feel lucky to be with a great guy.
     
  5. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Another thing I'd like to add is lower your fucking standards...

    If you're like me and socially clueless, you will think you deserve the hot girls, but these girls are social monsters and they are used to dealing with frat boys who always hit on them. You will be like a scared little deer to them.

    Not saying they are not obtainable but, you need to work on yourself a lot to get some. Best advice I ever got was lower your standards, get some experience then move up the rankings.
     
  6. AgAu

    AgAu Fapstronaut

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    I disagree with Progressive Death Mettle, you can get better with girls. In my late teens/early 20's, I never asked a girl out. Maybe kissed a girl once in a bar. That's about it. I was far too timid. Now I have a bit of experience, I've been in a couple of relationships (one long term) and slept with a few girls, things are much better. Granted, I'm in my early 30's now.

    There's no easy way to say it. I think you have a long way to go. It sucks but I think you really have to do it. You have to confront your fears, you'll feel pain, you will fear stupid and useless. Be honest with yourself. What do you want? Go out and get it and don't be held captive by your fears.
     
  7. Karegador

    Karegador Fapstronaut

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    First, sorry to hear about how that worked out.

    You need to keep in mind that the average woman gets bombarded by hoots, hollahs, stalking, and harassment every day. Online, they get bombarded by awful and I mean just awful come ons from men. It is easy for nice guys to be drowned out by all of that.

    My wife and I met on okcupid and she made the first move. She has told me that had I messaged her first I probably would have been lost in the hundreds of god awful messages she would receive each day.

    What I'm saying here is that you could have just been lost in a mess of nasty ass messages that would ruin one's faith in our sex.

    Having said all that, remember that a lot is lost in emails and text. Visual ques, tone and so forth. Also it depends on how you said it. Was it in one long message or was it over the course of a conversation, was over the course of an hour or a few days. It could just be that you hit her with a lot all at once. She may not have realized you were interested in her and just surprised her. It could also be that she was hurt when you didn't call her when she gave you her number.

    Don't lose faith man. And if you like her as much as you've said, try talking to her again but don't harass her or act desperate.
     
  8. AgAu

    AgAu Fapstronaut

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    I used okcupid earlier this year. I quit as it just wasn't worth my time. It's exactly as you say, any attractive girl will get hundreds of messages. It's kind of hard to deal with that.
     
  9. Money and a sense of humor. If you have either of these things no woman is out of reach. If you have both and are moderately good-looking you'll have the world at your feet.

    Take my word for it, dude. You make a girl laugh - I don't care if she's Brooklyn Decker, Taylor Swift, whoever - you have a shot with her. I suck with girls but it's not because of low-self esteem. It's because I'm conditioned to prioritize work and school and my future before girls.

    From my experience the true go-getters and future leaders and CEOs of our society are already getting laid and having healthy sexual encounters by the time they're in college. I would assume this doesn't apply to the majority of this forum. Most of us need porn because of low self-esteem or sucky social skills.

    I'm an average looking guy. Pretty tall, pretty athletic, pretty smart. I go after girls that are knock-outs. I might get some and I might not. But at least I tried and wasn't intimidated before even meeting that person. When I see a guy who society would deem ugly I still am intimidated. That guy might be a party animal, a funny fucker, or just a dude that doesn't allow his short-comings to dictate who he speaks to and when. THAT is a true boss.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2014
  10. AgAu

    AgAu Fapstronaut

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    I'll agree with that, humor is magic and money/interesting work helps too. I have been amazed at what you can do if you make it funny and playful. The thing is, I think most guys do have a sense of humor, it's just some of us bury it when interacting with women. You remove those self imposed barriers and you will get better with girls.

    With the OP, someone not replying to a Facebook message is not rejection. Get out there, expand your circle. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Reframe how you think about things. Learn to love yourself....please don't beat yourself up.
     
  11. Finalfight123

    Finalfight123 Fapstronaut

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    Don't give up just not yet. I know that times are hard and getting girls can sometimes be a struggle. I've been in situations like you. I guess I would say if you haven't gone on a date within 3 weeks of going after her to just move on. Its really difficult once the momentum goes the other way. I'm sure you really liked this girl and I'm sure had things gone better you may have succeeded.

    I would say most of all that the joy is interacting with the girl. Forget the end goal just focus on the time you talk to her and are trying to get her. The begging and middle are always the best. Truth be told no one likes the end but hard to say. But if she knows you like her and its been more than a year I would just move on. A lot more girls out there. Maybe take some time off from trying to get girls but don't give up just yet give it some time.

    Rejection is hard but is it really a rejection she didn't say how you weren't enough or how she needed this or that. Just that you may not have been right. And to some degree better now than 6 months. The experience would be nice but there are others out there trust me on that. Well find yourself but give it time.
     
  12. Move_Along1991

    Move_Along1991 Fapstronaut

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    Man, do I have a story for you. I was with the girl that I loved, but I didn't see her like that before we actually got to know each other more. So, yes, she was the one to say that she liked me and not the other way around. Till this day I know it'll be hard to find someone that I can connect with like her. I know I shouldn't compare, but it's the truth; she was my best friend and the first person I ever loved liked that. It turned out she was cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend of about 5 years. She said she loved me, but later turned around after one year and left me for him without me knowing I found out earlier this year in February and was so pissed that I cut her out of my life for 3 months, and then I missed her so much, and she did as well; we both admitted dreaming about one another all of the time. It just felt like it was meant to be, but the history with her ex, she was not able to give up. It hurt and it still does because I had to end our friendship for good. Guess I'm trying to say that things do happen for a reason, and no matter how cheesy that sounds, bro, it's the truth because I didn't deserve what she did to me, and there's a another chick out there that I can relate to and connect with that will treat me with the respect that I deserve. This girl you speak about, you should have called her when she gave you her number, or at least text her to get to know her better. And if it's this hard, you should work on yourself; this is what I'm doing because of what my ex did to me; it made me so insecure that I've missed out on a lot of girls that I could have possibly liked just as much as she did. So, my main reason is, please don't give up on love or on girls. It wasn't meant to be with her, especially if she couldn't understand what you meant about wanting to help her out. If she's going to react that way, then forget it because you'll find someone else out there, but first, work on how you perceive yourself; this is what I'm currently in the process of doing with myself, trying to turn my life around so I can actually have hope that things will work out with another girl. You can do this, man...believe in yourself and don't give up. I hope this helps because it's sad to see guys like us back down from the happiness they could have in this life. God bless you all, and goodnight.
     
  13. welmwerth

    welmwerth Fapstronaut

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    Hey Namekian23, I know the feeling, as I've been through similar situations and still trying to move on from the last woman I was close with.

    Yes, it does hurt like crazy when one is rejected and I have thought about not ever wanting to be involve with anyone many times, as I didn't want to go through it again. For me, I felt (and sometimes still feel) that there won't be another person like her ever again.

    But, like what the others have said, I think it's time you try to focus on yourself and start to live your life, otherwise you'll get stuck and it goes around in circles. Find something that will give you a sense of meaning or self appreciation. That may help.

    All the very best.
     
  14. janu11

    janu11 Fapstronaut

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    You know the only thing I could think of while reading the original post was how most of us forget that women are people too and while in our heads they are some unattainable goddesses of beauty, poise, perfection, in reality they are people too who are shy and insecure and simply afraid of rejection, instead of worrying so much about doing the right or wrong things with girls, and thinking about what kind of person they want, with some specified 'X' qualities without which you can't get a girl, we need to start thinking of people too who just want to be treated like people and want companionship and laughter and friendship with us like we do with them, and while they may or may not be romantically interested in us when we are, when you truly care for a woman, it doesn't matter whether or not she is romantically interested in you or not, it may not seem like it now, but when you're there for her and you can make her laugh when she's sad and treat her like a person and not a vagina, over time she'll come to appreciate you and maybe even like you as well, but that's not the end goal, if you care for her, you'll care for her no matter whether or not she returns the romantic interest or not, and I'm not saying don't express your romantic feelings for her or be her doormat, a feeling which btw is fuelled more by person insecurity than by any actions of hers, but simply that if you really care for her, talk to her, don't be scared, if you care for her, she'll care for you too and want to talk to you anyway, and take the matter forward from there, and even if she rejects you, don't stop trying because if you really like her, then care for her but let her know you want more always, be an individual, regardless of whether you get her because of it or not
     
  15. scotey73

    scotey73 Guest

    Dude, don't give up! I'm currently in a 4 year dry spell with girls, and I've dealt with a ton of rejection over this period, so you're not alone! You gotta keep trying, but you must go in without the attitude of do-or-die. Doing this will only make you feel more dejected with every rejection.

    I'll say this to you, and it's also something that I have to tell myself to be honest....when you see a girl you may be interested in, go in with the attitude of trying to make a "friend" instead of a "girlfriend". It'll put a little less pressure on you, which will help you to be confident in just being yourself. I'm learning, now more than ever at the age of 26, that women dig confidence.
     
  16. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, besides Progressive Death Mettle, I admire your honestly. Let me remind you that I can take constructive criticism quite well. The truth hurts, but it can set you free. You don't realize another side of me. Besides my problems with girls, I can be very self-motivated and successful in other areas of my life. I've been through crap in my life that most people can't physically endure. And the bad side to that also includes my emotional well being. Like I said, I appreciate your honesty, so I'm going to use this fuel of motivation the right way. Before, it was just anger and insecurity, but this time things will be different.
     
  17. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Some of what you said was true, but in all honesty, I just want to let her go. She's all the way in Florida, so it's useless. I really need to focus on myself for a while or I'll have this type of mindset towards girls forever.
     
  18. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your post. Believe it or not, we have some equal qualities. Money is one thing, which I don't have enough of, but humor is something that I can totally relate to. In fact, I actually have a good sense humor when it comes to talking to girls. It's just everything else that I need to work on. Keep your strengths, but strengthen your weaknesses at the same time.
     
  19. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    I'll take all of your advice. Thanks. I guess I'm just really needy. I guess it's not about being confident enough to get with a girl, but it's more about being strong enough to be on your own and having no fear of how or when the right girl will come to you. It just comes naturally and you don't even have to think about it. Other than that, I really need to get my mind off this girl and focus on myself for a bit.
     

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