Rejection: the old familiar pain

Rejection is a bit like getting a physical injury, like spraining your ankle. Ouch! There's that pain I've felt many times before, then a soreness that fades away with time.

But this is how life goes. Injuries happen, both physical and emotional. And we have to be able to deal with them, then heal, then get back up and carry on with full strength again.

And over time, the more we experience these minor injuries, the more we learn that they are only temporary and that things will be fine again soon. When you're 2-years-old, a sprained ankle can feel like the end of the world. When you're a fully grown adult, it's just another minor setback.

Yesterday I had a date arranged with a woman I'd met on POF. Normally these days I don't tend to feel particularly nervous before a date, but with this one I was. Maybe it was because we had been messaging back and forth for several weeks. I don't normally like to do that. I normally like to arrange the first date as soon as possible after the first few messages, take it offline as soon as I can. But this one wanted to chat on POF for longer first. The danger with that is that it gives you more time to build them up in your mind into who you think they are, rather than who they really are. So that might be where my nerves came from - wondering whether she would be how I imagined her to be.

We met in a cafe I'd never been to before, and had a fun and interesting chat for about and hour and a half. When it was time to leave, I said it would be good to see her again, and she agreed. I suggested Saturday, even though it was only two days away, and she said she should be available and I should text her later to arrange it. We had an awkward hug, then she walked with me in the direction of the car park, then when we parted ways she shook my hand.

I drove home feeling like it didn't feel quite right. The awkward hug and thhe handshake seemed a bit off to me.

A few hours later I got a text from her saying it was nice to meet me but she felt that we didn't have enough in common. Ahh, the old familar pain. Hello old friend.

In hindsight I realised it was probably for the best anyway. Although physically she was exactly what I was looking for, personality-wise she wasn't. Looking back on our conversation in the cafe, she was too assertive and confrontational. She challenged me on almost everything I said. At the time it kind of felt like a bit of a fun challenge, and I did kind of enjoy it. But afterwards I realised that if I was to spend a long time with someone like that it would wear me down eventually. I want someone more chilled out and calm, not so argumentative and confrontational all the time.

So, part of the pain is about the person not matching what I had in my mind. So this is why it's not a good idea to spend too long chatting on dating sites. There's not really any benefit to spending several weeks messaging back and forth. You really don't know how well you will get on with someone until you actually meet them. So my approach is usually: after the first few messages back and forth, if it looks like there is some mutual interest, ask them to meet for a quick coffee somewhere. And it's so easy, it really is. You pick a time and a place, then you chat for a bit. SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION.

It irritates me a bit when a woman on a dating site says "I'd like to chat a bit longer on here if that's okay?" Why??? For what purpose? There's nothing to be gained from messaging back and forth for several weeks. You don't get any closer to knowing whether you'll actually get on in person. It's all about meeting in person, it really is. The dating site is merely a method of finding someone who is a similar age, the required gender, who you think looks okay, who lives nearby, and who shares some of the same interests. That's all it is. The dating happens in person, not on the dating site.

Anyway, I'm already in the process of arranging a date with another woman for Tuesday. So it's all about keeping the momentum going. Dating is a numbers game really. Just keep meeting people until I find someone I naturally click with.

 

I went on the date last night with the 2nd woman. We both decided we weren't a match for each other, but we both had a really nice time chatting to each other, so I came away from that with no bad feelings at all. Also, I hadn't been messaging her as much as the other, so there weren't really any expectations.

 

Yes, defintely. This is why it's probably not worth continuing to chat to someone who is reluctant to meet up. Several times I've had my time wasted by spending weeks messaging someone who never ends up meeting up with me. The time you could waste chatting to someone who is reluctant to meet up could be better spent trying to find someone else who DOES want to meet up.

 

A few months ago I counted how many dates I'd been on in the previous year or so, and I think it worked out to an average of one new date per month. But some months I've had several different dates and sometimes I've gone for a couple of months without any dates.

The key tactics for me seem to be:

• Use photofeeler.com to find your best photos
• Try to write a unique profile that makes you sound worth spending time with for the right person
• Be on multiple dating sites/apps (Bumble, POF and OKCupid are the main ones for me at the moment)
• Dedicate time most evenings to online dating (I treat it as if I'm unemployed and looking for a job)
• Frequently delete your Bumble profile and start again (I seem to get more matches at the beginning)
• Occasionally pay for more views on Bumble.

 

Isn't it natural to feel a bit sad or down if something doesn't turn out quite how you expect it?