Rejection: the old familiar pain

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by 1978, Jul 5, 2019.

  1. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Rejection is a bit like getting a physical injury, like spraining your ankle. Ouch! There's that pain I've felt many times before, then a soreness that fades away with time.

    But this is how life goes. Injuries happen, both physical and emotional. And we have to be able to deal with them, then heal, then get back up and carry on with full strength again.

    And over time, the more we experience these minor injuries, the more we learn that they are only temporary and that things will be fine again soon. When you're 2-years-old, a sprained ankle can feel like the end of the world. When you're a fully grown adult, it's just another minor setback.

    Yesterday I had a date arranged with a woman I'd met on POF. Normally these days I don't tend to feel particularly nervous before a date, but with this one I was. Maybe it was because we had been messaging back and forth for several weeks. I don't normally like to do that. I normally like to arrange the first date as soon as possible after the first few messages, take it offline as soon as I can. But this one wanted to chat on POF for longer first. The danger with that is that it gives you more time to build them up in your mind into who you think they are, rather than who they really are. So that might be where my nerves came from - wondering whether she would be how I imagined her to be.

    We met in a cafe I'd never been to before, and had a fun and interesting chat for about and hour and a half. When it was time to leave, I said it would be good to see her again, and she agreed. I suggested Saturday, even though it was only two days away, and she said she should be available and I should text her later to arrange it. We had an awkward hug, then she walked with me in the direction of the car park, then when we parted ways she shook my hand.

    I drove home feeling like it didn't feel quite right. The awkward hug and thhe handshake seemed a bit off to me.

    A few hours later I got a text from her saying it was nice to meet me but she felt that we didn't have enough in common. Ahh, the old familar pain. Hello old friend.

    In hindsight I realised it was probably for the best anyway. Although physically she was exactly what I was looking for, personality-wise she wasn't. Looking back on our conversation in the cafe, she was too assertive and confrontational. She challenged me on almost everything I said. At the time it kind of felt like a bit of a fun challenge, and I did kind of enjoy it. But afterwards I realised that if I was to spend a long time with someone like that it would wear me down eventually. I want someone more chilled out and calm, not so argumentative and confrontational all the time.

    So, part of the pain is about the person not matching what I had in my mind. So this is why it's not a good idea to spend too long chatting on dating sites. There's not really any benefit to spending several weeks messaging back and forth. You really don't know how well you will get on with someone until you actually meet them. So my approach is usually: after the first few messages back and forth, if it looks like there is some mutual interest, ask them to meet for a quick coffee somewhere. And it's so easy, it really is. You pick a time and a place, then you chat for a bit. Easy peasy.

    It irritates me a bit when a woman on a dating site says "I'd like to chat a bit longer on here if that's okay?" Why??? For what purpose? There's nothing to be gained from messaging back and forth for several weeks. You don't get any closer to knowing whether you'll actually get on in person. It's all about meeting in person, it really is. The dating site is merely a method of finding someone who is a similar age, the required gender, who you think looks okay, who lives nearby, and who shares some of the same interests. That's all it is. The dating happens in person, not on the dating site.

    Anyway, I'm already in the process of arranging a date with another woman for Tuesday. So it's all about keeping the momentum going. Dating is a numbers game really. Just keep meeting people until I find someone I naturally click with.
     
  2. DrummerSGX92

    DrummerSGX92 Fapstronaut

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    That is so true. I just went through this and when it didn't work it hurt. My problem is I just dont have enough matches to have dates happen. I'll be lucky if I have a date once every other month. A lot of people online seem to flake when you ask them out too early.
     
  3. OnTheEdge

    OnTheEdge Fapstronaut

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    I agree with your points but this is probably because they're talking to more than one person at the same time and you're not at the top of the list of potentials. I've had people talk to me for weeks and then just stop replying. I figured I wasn't at the top of the list and another suitor was deemed better and I was then surplus to requirements. The other possibility is they're probably too apprehensive about meeting. Someone asked me out on a date once and I agreed and then set about organising where and when etc and she flaked out at that point. I think she said the weather didn't look too good on that day. It was a lame excuse, anyway. At that point I cut contact but it was probably because she was shy in retrospect.
     
  4. Cool I Can Use Spaces

    Cool I Can Use Spaces Fapstronaut

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    That gal you went out with reminds me of my brother’s last girlfriend. She was a Russian beauty, drop dead gorgeous. But my brother dumped her. Said she argued with him about everything. No matter what he said she’d contradict him, not worth it.

    I liked your post. We can’t let rejection stop us.
     
    goodnice 2.0 and 1978 like this.
  5. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Rejection is a tool used to see if compatibility exists. If she sends you flying across the park, then you were not going to be happy with her anyways.
     
    koolpal likes this.
  6. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

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    Completely agree that it's best to meet people you message online as soon as possible (within 2 weeks is about right to me). Otherwise you can end up building a false picture of them in your head and it's even more of a disappointment when the date falls flat. With my current girlfriend, I messaged her on a Friday, met the following Monday, and dated regularly from that point.
     
    1978 likes this.
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Rejection only really ever hurts when you have the delusional belief and expectation that everyone is supposed to be interested in you.... or more importantly everyone that YOU'RE interested in is supposed to be interested in you.

    Otherwise you would just accept it and move on.

    No?

    Yeah, of course, I'm for some, but not for everybody.

    Rather than....

    No?

    Why? What can I do to convince you to like me? What did I do wrong? I was so careful not to make any mistakes. Why did this happen? There's got to be something more I can do. This is bullshit. You have to like me after all the effort I've invested into you. Fuck it... whatever... I didn't like you anyways. I'll prove you wrong by making sure the next person I'm interested in likes me.
     
    koolpal likes this.
  8. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    I went on the date last night with the 2nd woman. We both decided we weren't a match for each other, but we both had a really nice time chatting to each other, so I came away from that with no bad feelings at all. Also, I hadn't been messaging her as much as the other, so there weren't really any expectations.
     
    Cool I Can Use Spaces likes this.
  9. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, defintely. This is why it's probably not worth continuing to chat to someone who is reluctant to meet up. Several times I've had my time wasted by spending weeks messaging someone who never ends up meeting up with me. The time you could waste chatting to someone who is reluctant to meet up could be better spent trying to find someone else who DOES want to meet up.
     
    Cool I Can Use Spaces likes this.
  10. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    A few months ago I counted how many dates I'd been on in the previous year or so, and I think it worked out to an average of one new date per month. But some months I've had several different dates and sometimes I've gone for a couple of months without any dates.

    The key tactics for me seem to be:
    • Use photofeeler.com to find your best photos
    • Try to write a unique profile that makes you sound worth spending time with for the right person
    • Be on multiple dating sites/apps (Bumble, POF and OKCupid are the main ones for me at the moment)
    • Dedicate time most evenings to online dating (I treat it as if I'm unemployed and looking for a job)
    • Frequently delete your Bumble profile and start again (I seem to get more matches at the beginning)
    • Occasionally pay for more views on Bumble.
     
  11. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

    My thoughts exactly. Turns out these delusional thoughts are psychotic, neurotic, pathological defense mechanisms.
    I had to self-correct my thought patterns, and learn mature, socially acceptable defense mechanisms.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanisms
     
  12. 1978

    1978 Fapstronaut

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    Isn't it natural to feel a bit sad or down if something doesn't turn out quite how you expect it?
     
    Maybachmeeky likes this.

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