Relapse after 88 days.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by the_wizard, Jul 9, 2020.

  1. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    After taking the challenges and concentrated for almost 60 days, things started to slip, and I found myself getting into that straight line of no progress. Saturation mode that lasted for 28 days. It was the hardest of my quest, I won't know what could have happened if I didn't relapse.
    But I will share my story about the first 60 days. I first started watching explicit scenes by the age of 11, on cable TV, during that time I didn't know what was that. All I understood it was all images. But I started watching pornography by the age of 13 and then started masturbating almost 6 months after my first movie. I am 28 years old now. As I am mentioning all of that, I am clear to say, I am a 100% virgin, as I never had a girlfriend because I never searched for one, and always concentrated on having friends, and going out or traveling. Yes, I am a weirdo who never had a kiss before. But I never knew that porn and masturbation were stopping me. But as I went through and read a lot, I found that I wasn't searching not because I didn't concentrate on having one, but because pmo was already giving me that fake satisfaction. It became clear to me that I have personal issues. So, last year I took a decision on quitting pmo and went through nofap november and I did 2 months. Then I fell into relapsing again, but I didn't fap as much as I did before taking that decision. I even had a calendar to check my progress, and found that my rate decreased a lot since then with maybe 10 times a month. But I didn't stop there, and went on to do another nofap and wanted to quit again, started April during the lockdown. As everyone was feeling it hard to stay to nofap, I felt I have to do the opposite. So I went on to do a one long streak but I didn't give any deadline for my streak, because I didn't want to break my promise to myself.
    First month, it passed so smooth that I felt myself recovered and started to feel that everything will be normal again ( sadly I don't know what that meant as I feel I had already did it a lot to even think whats not ). I started reading a book weekly, and started writing my dairy. During that time, I started learning programming, and I started learning Swift, then JS (NodeJS, ReactJS).
    Second month, it went so good and didn't think of relapsing. Then I had my first ever wet dream in my life. It was a weird experience but I felt that my body is starting to recover now, and I getting better. Even my way of talking and thinking started to change. And I felt completely different than how I was. Sadly, we were still on lockdown so I didn't get the experience of other people meeting me and how will I react. But I didn't stop my self improvement and continued my journey on reading and finally by the end of the month I finished the Swift and JS programming learning, and I made some projects but I didn't feel they were good enough to publish.
    Third month, that was the worst of all. By the start of June, I had passed a couple of days into my 3rd month. I felt myself getting into that bad saturation mode. I lost interest in everything, I even stopped my daily diaries, and started writing a couple of days together every 3 or 4 days. But I kept on going, but I felt the challenge is getting harder and harder. So I wanted to fight it, so I started a Java course and thought about starting from there. I even gave up reading. So I thought about meditation, maybe that will help me more and get me out of what I feel. But days went on and everyday I felt worse than the day before. A morning I woke up with a fantasizing mindset. That was the day I relapsed.
    So I just got up, and thought to myself, ok I relapsed but thats not the end, so I went on to take a very cold shower. But sadly since then I relapse if not everyday, so it's every other day. After a week of being on the slide, I felt I needed to write out my experience, maybe my story will inspire someone out there, and maybe it will give me hope to see what I became after I stopped and where am I going with all my relapses. I feel like my challenge is tough because I never experienced a relationship, so I don't know whats normal sex life is. All I experienced was that flat screen. Maybe my story will get lots of negative feedbacks because some will see me as a weirdo. I can't share whats not mine, so I wanted to share everything about my sexual life. I believe in myself. As I once slipped and watched porn then started the masturbation journey, I can stop that line. I started this journey because I wanted to get better, and I will do whatever I can to get better.
    I can share my whole success story, and what I felt during that period of nofap, and I can write lines maybe pages about how happy I was. And for the first time I felt successful in my own personal life.
    But I can write it in brief sentence. " I felt alive ".
     
    Recreatio, Stragler, Bull87 and 9 others like this.
  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    You are not a weirdo, a weirdo is a man who rigorously follow all society norms (like views on virginity and so on). You be you, don’t overthink too much, that your situation is more difficult because of lack of a girlfriend.
    Congrats on your streak, you know now what it is to feel alive! So get back on track and take one day at a time and go on no matter how shitty you can feel from time to time
     
  3. 3ayshleh

    3ayshleh Fapstronaut

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  4. maxwelfree04

    maxwelfree04 Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations bro! I'm a virgin and kissed one girl when I was 15 and it was a really bad experience. I'm studying programming as well, so maybe you are not so weirdo or maybe we are both weirdos haha.
     
  5. patato-starch

    patato-starch Fapstronaut

    have has nofap impacted your learning abilities .... i too m currently learning reactjs and I find myself distracted through out the day, some days I have good productivity but others it feels like (if a error comes without even checking the error log) i feel like i will require whole day to solve it so I just give up ...what kind of schedule one decide for learning things like programming .... if you have any tips to share about how to be resilient while learning to code it will be helpful ...
     
  6. Ronzon

    Ronzon Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, thanks for sharing. Don't feel weird man, I didn't get my first gf until I entered my 20s...its different for everyone. You should feel proud that you took the steps to better yourself. You were probably going through a flatline when you relapsed, I've read that I can last various times for different individuals! I hope you get back up and start a new streak soon. Also you should probably wrote out all the awesome things you experienced while on your journey. That may motivate you as well to start a fresh! Good luck and you're not weird.
     
  7. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    Keep this in mind. Every time your mind tricks you to relapse, remind yourself of how it FEELS to be successful in your life. Never give up on this feeling, it is your birthright to feel that way.
     
    the_wizard, Wavyboy and Authorized like this.
  8. Authorized

    Authorized Fapstronaut

    Hi man! For no one there is an easy way out of this. We all have struggles in life. The fact that you see it as a problem and want to act to it is already a big step!

    Last week I started to write down all the positive side effects I see when I 'm doing the no PMO. The list is getting bigger and bigger. When I feel the urges, I look at the that list and that helps me to keep on track... Just as a tip..

    I also only had a girlfriend in my 20's. I also thought that was the end of the world. But in the end, it is really not! It is just in your mind. Trust me, you are better off alone then with a train wreck of a woman. Just keep building yourself. Become a man and become the strongest version of yourself! Try to work towards that goal and you will succeed!

    Good luck man!
     
  9. Wavyboy

    Wavyboy New Fapstronaut
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    Hey man don't feel bad. I'm 25 myself and I've never had a girlfriend either. Don't consider yourself weird cause I definitely don't. Reading your post just now has really motivated me to keep going on my journey. I'm currently on day 33 and have been having a rough time these past 2 weeks. I'm going to keep going and fight through it cause I want to feel what you felt. Thank you brother and stay strong on your journey as I will do the same with mine! Hope to see you post on here again!
     
    Recreatio and the_wizard like this.
  10. Zexiant

    Zexiant Fapstronaut
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    I also learn programming(js,python,java,kotlin).
    Just want to know, where did u learn programming?
     
    the_wizard likes this.
  11. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    I found the best way to get into the mood, is to just start it everyday at the same time. Put a schedule for starting your programming, that way you somehow hack your brain, that during this period he will be working. But don't give a maximum limit to it. Sometimes I say to myself I will sit for an hour or 2 then I find myself having a break after 6 hours.
     
  12. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    It's good to know that I am not alone in this world. Thank you for your support bro, really appreciate it.
     
    Recreatio and Metis07 like this.
  13. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    HAHAHA maybe. Thank you for your support man, really appreciate it.
     
  14. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    I felt, I shouldn't be writing the 20 lines of how everything changed inside me. I just wanted to say how everything went. But the most important thing I felt was feeling the moment and feeling alive.
     
  15. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    Thanks bro.
     
  16. the_wizard

    the_wizard Fapstronaut

    I started some videos on youtube, then I switched on the udemy courses (no ads but that was recommended by a friend). Swift I learnt from the Apple book and took a course on the website I mentioned. Then I progressed and started the JS, and now I am going back into origin of Java and maybe C++ later.
     
    Zexiant likes this.
  17. GhostRider@11

    GhostRider@11 Fapstronaut

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    Bro, i can understand what you mean by saying you felt alive, even i was on a long streak but it broke 13th july and then i relapsed again today. actually this is known as the chaser effect - according to which if you masturbate once, you feel like to doing it again, and then again. the only way out is to not react to these feelings and somehow get a streak of above a 5 or a week. Normally for me chaser effect lasts only for 3 days. As i can see you are already on 7 days streak, I hope you again make a long streak.
     
  18. FrenchOliver

    FrenchOliver Fapstronaut

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