Relapse After a Streak of over ~3 Years

Mr. 180

Mr. 180

Fapstronaut
I'm writing this because I can't live in denial and act like I haven't relapsed, because I have. I'm recognizing that I messed up, several times within the last month, and that I need to get my act together. I'm back in the fight. It's not the easy coasting that it's been the past few years - my battle against PMO is going to take a lot of effort once again.

My life circumstances have put me in a place where I am separated from my SO, lonely, and I work from home. This has been a dangerous combination for me and PMO, and sure enough, I messed up. I thought I was strong enough to not have to put up all of the safeguards that I did years ago, but that simply wasn't true. Putting it simply, I got complacent. I should have been more vigilant, and I need to be more vigilant and intentional going forward.

The relapse has been weird. After so long, I haven't enjoyed the porn as much as I used to. It's as if it feels cheap and dirty in a repulsive kind of way. Still not repulsive enough for me to not want it, apparently.

I'm incredibly disappointed (and sad, honestly) that I've reached this point. I felt almost as if I was invincible after so long. Now I realize that that was foolish. But I can turn this around before I get too deep into a relapse. I need to take this seriously and fight with every fiber of my being!

This site was so helpful to me when I was in the thick of my porn addiction 4 years ago. So now I'm back, trying to change my mindset! Deep down, I do have a sick love of PMO. We all know that it's exciting and the hit of dopamine is strong. But I need to reignite my hatred for PMO, what it does to me, and how it strips away my self-control!

Anyway, I'm writing this here because writing this out makes it more finalized in my mind than just thinking "Oh I need to take this seriously". I also want to become more active in this community once again.

Thanks everyone.
 
Mr. 180 said:
I'm writing this because I can't live in denial and act like I haven't relapsed, because I have. I'm recognizing that I messed up, several times within the last month, and that I need to get my act together. I'm back in the fight. It's not the easy coasting that it's been the past few years - my battle against PMO is going to take a lot of effort once again.

My life circumstances have put me in a place where I am separated from my SO, lonely, and I work from home. This has been a dangerous combination for me and PMO, and sure enough, I messed up. I thought I was strong enough to not have to put up all of the safeguards that I did years ago, but that simply wasn't true. Putting it simply, I got complacent. I should have been more vigilant, and I need to be more vigilant and intentional going forward.

The relapse has been weird. After so long, I haven't enjoyed the porn as much as I used to. It's as if it feels cheap and dirty in a repulsive kind of way. Still not repulsive enough for me to not want it, apparently.

I'm incredibly disappointed (and sad, honestly) that I've reached this point. I felt almost as if I was invincible after so long. Now I realize that that was foolish. But I can turn this around before I get too deep into a relapse. I need to take this seriously and fight with every fiber of my being!

This site was so helpful to me when I was in the thick of my porn addiction 4 years ago. So now I'm back, trying to change my mindset! Deep down, I do have a sick love of PMO. We all know that it's exciting and the hit of dopamine is strong. But I need to reignite my hatred for PMO, what it does to me, and how it strips away my self-control!

Anyway, I'm writing this here because writing this out makes it more finalized in my mind than just thinking "Oh I need to take this seriously". I also want to become more active in this community once again.

Thanks everyone.
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Saw your post after replying to another who stated that he relapsed after 25 days. 3 years man, are you kidding me?! That is awesome! Similarly, I would say try not to be too hard on yourself. After all, you have already come so far in your journey. Focus on the bright spots and positive things in your life.

Also saw that you bolded the word 'complacent'. I think it is normal for people to get complacent from time to time. The important thing is that you take your time to get over the relapses and start over again. I am astounded that you have even managed tracked your progress for over 3 years, that is very impressive and disciplined of you. With such a timeline, I would have thought that it has become a lifestyle for you. But then again the recovery process differs from person to person.

Just my ten cents, maybe you shouldn't count the days but target to make it a lifestyle instead. After all, the goal is to quit porn entirely until you leave the world, ain't it?

All the best!
 
Mr. 180 said:
I'm writing this because I can't live in denial and act like I haven't relapsed, because I have. I'm recognizing that I messed up, several times within the last month, and that I need to get my act together. I'm back in the fight. It's not the easy coasting that it's been the past few years - my battle against PMO is going to take a lot of effort once again.

My life circumstances have put me in a place where I am separated from my SO, lonely, and I work from home. This has been a dangerous combination for me and PMO, and sure enough, I messed up. I thought I was strong enough to not have to put up all of the safeguards that I did years ago, but that simply wasn't true. Putting it simply, I got complacent. I should have been more vigilant, and I need to be more vigilant and intentional going forward.

The relapse has been weird. After so long, I haven't enjoyed the porn as much as I used to. It's as if it feels cheap and dirty in a repulsive kind of way. Still not repulsive enough for me to not want it, apparently.

I'm incredibly disappointed (and sad, honestly) that I've reached this point. I felt almost as if I was invincible after so long. Now I realize that that was foolish. But I can turn this around before I get too deep into a relapse. I need to take this seriously and fight with every fiber of my being!

This site was so helpful to me when I was in the thick of my porn addiction 4 years ago. So now I'm back, trying to change my mindset! Deep down, I do have a sick love of PMO. We all know that it's exciting and the hit of dopamine is strong. But I need to reignite my hatred for PMO, what it does to me, and how it strips away my self-control!

Anyway, I'm writing this here because writing this out makes it more finalized in my mind than just thinking "Oh I need to take this seriously". I also want to become more active in this community once again.

Thanks everyone.
Click to expand...
Don’t beat yourself up. Pun intended. It happens. Best thing is to identify what caused it, how it was triggered and why you gave into it. Learn and adapt.
 
I hear you on getting complacent. I've complacent over the past 8 years, minimizing and compartmentalizing my porn addiction and the effects PMO were having on my life, until my wife caught me. Again. After 8 years thinking that I was sober from porn. I'm working from home as well. Not good.

I'm glad I found this forum, and grateful to be hear your story. Everybody's stories. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
 
I had almost half a year streak and relapsed. Afterwards I felt ashamed of myself and promised not to do it again, but I did it again.. and again..
What I learned is my brain won't forget all these tens of thousands of PMO sessions after 6 months. It's going to take much longer to recover. After all I did program this wrath for over 27 years now
 
flyswat said:
I hear you on getting complacent. I've complacent over the past 8 years, minimizing and compartmentalizing my porn addiction and the effects PMO were having on my life, until my wife caught me. Again. After 8 years thinking that I was sober from porn. I'm working from home as well. Not good.

I'm glad I found this forum, and grateful to be hear your story. Everybody's stories. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
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Hey flyswat - thank you for the response. I really wish you the best, especially since it seems like we have somewhat similar situations. How long have you been working from home? How does that impact your fight against PMO?
 
Hey Mr. 180, thank you for sharing.

I also have a story like that. I was a porn addict since age 11. Then I got free completely not even M’ing for 7 years. But I struggled with anger and resentment to my family so much that it just kept building up until I lost my senses and looked at porn again. Unfortunately tube sites were new to me so I went further into addiction than I was before. I said all this to say, things happen in our lives so we have to have unshakable conviction and maintain focus.
 
Mr. 180 said:
Hey flyswat - thank you for the response. I really wish you the best, especially since it seems like we have somewhat similar situations. How long have you been working from home? How does that impact your fight against PMO?
Click to expand...
I've been working from home since the pandemic shut everything down in March 2020. It has definitely escalated my PMO, and set off the death spiral of depression because of increased PMO, then PMO to numb the depression.
 
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