Relapsed 4 hrs into day 31

So I finished day 30 in the mid afternoon. Then 4 hrs later I fapped.

Needless to say I feel like shit. But I believe in myself. I made it 30 days and that isn't easy so I can make it again. I have setup three counters for myself to help me keep my eyes on the prize.

My goal is 90 days. So I counter 1 is for 30 days, counter 2: 60, and counter 3: 90.

Honestly, I didn't find the relapse all that satisfying. Disappointing even and I don't mean the disappointment I feel now at having relapsed. I just found that it was not as good as I remember. I'm hoping this experience will make the 90 days easier.

 

I find it both interesting and gratifying that the actual experience of fapping...well sucked. Yes there was that feeling of release but it was hollow. I really don't know how to describe it.

It was like looking at a painting that I had seen a million times in full color but suddenly I could only see it in black and white. Same painting that I loved but it lost its beauty. I wouldn't look at it again because the beauty is gone.

I'm hoping this means that I'm getting close to being rebooted. Do I feel like shit? Not really but that is only because of this odd and, quite frankly awesome experience of not getting pleasure from the relapse. Do I have any reason to think I'll falter again? No.

I have to be honest. It wasn't masturbation that got me it was porn. And while seeing a nude woman had a nice appeal the whole thing was completely void of the satisfaction that I used to get from it. I masturbated and that too was completely void of the pleasure I used to get. All it had was the feeling of release when I O'ed.

So in the end I feel good. I feel strong, and not at all tempted. The only thing that worries me is how this relapse will affect me the next time my wife and I make love.

Perhaps, in those 30 days, I reached the point where I can see porn and masturbation for what it is. An empty experience devoid of anything pleasurable, save for the release.

 

I just posted my very first journal entry. I felt that the experience of yesterday's relapse needed to be explored and reflected on more.

So after, reflecting on the experience more last night and this morning I posted my first journal entry.

Ramblings of a hyper sexual PMO addict

It covers my nofap journey, to date.