I had decided to myself that 2015 would be the first year that I would have not watched P, but I relapsed today, the 9th of January. As my counter shows, I did not PMO since 2014, although I MO'ed without P this monday to relieve some pressure. For me, the most important is to quit the P altogheter, in any form or combination, be it watching it without MO or the very addictive PMO combination. Yesterday and today during daytime I noticed incredible drive and motivation. But the pressure in the testicles became extremely annoying in the evening, so much so that I just could not concentrate on anything, no matter what I tried to distract myself with. This is what ALWAYS happens when I relapse. It's like I can't sit still, testicles are driving me crazy either with tightness or a cramp like sensation(or pulling), a sort of "burning" sensation some times too. Then I watch P and the restlessness subsides after I have "hit the spot" by having watched the particular kind of scenes that do it for me. Getting there doesn't necessarily have to involve MO, it's like that drive is separate, but watch P will usually stimulate my body to want to MO anyway later in the day if I watch P and then go do something else. Then it's worse than if I watched P in the first place. But the tightness in the testicles only goes away after MO. It's the typical dopamine like cravings that get satisfied primarily for the P. And of course the lethal trio amplify each other in addictiveness. After I have PMO'ed, or MO'ed for that matter, I just feel an incredible sadness. As most have experienced, we always experienced sadness after MO, for those of us who MO'ed before discovering P, we know this to be from the MO, although the P makes it worse. I am a Christian, and I would appreciate if fellow Christians here would pray for me. I don't want to bring religion into this any more than that request, because all kinds of people are here and these discussions should include and benefit everybody. So it is just a personal request, because I personally believe it helps. Anyway I just wanted to share this. If there is only one thing to take from this that I would formulate into a sentence, then it would be this: Giving in or relapsing is never ever "worth it" in any way. I hope everyone are doing okay. I'm still determined that 2015 will be THE year that I quit P. So it couldn't be the first year where I didn't PMO at all, but it can still be the year that I quit. And I WILL quit this disgusting habit.