Relapsed after more than half year abstinence

[Lethorn]

Hello Guys,

I've been doing PMO since I was 13 or so. I'd developed severe PIED, had many sex attempts, but always failed.
Here are my previous threats:
110 days - https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/day-110-pmo-free.323495/
130 days - https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/130-days-i-dont-care.324701/

I've been on nofap from 2018, having ups and downs, few streaks for more than 60 days, but most of them ended in a binge. From September last year I had the longest streak ever and it was after another failed "sexual attempt" - it lasted till March this year. What was the reason that I failed? I think that I was just lonley. I've been living in a small village where there was actually no girls. At first I was going really well, I thought that I have finally defeat my addiction. After half year I started to have super drive towards women, but unfortunatelly didn't found one... Since then I had about 7 relapses, most of them to instagram girls. I've felt broken even came back to smoking and occasionally drinking. I used to exercise every day, meditate and doing cold showers. Now only coldshower left from those good habbits. I was also unemployed what I belive had a big impact. I was just bored, lonley, trying to find a job but it was hard (village). I decided to move away to a near big city and I've found a job that I always wanted to have (export - trade industry). Sounds good, but I'm still feeling guilty that I found it too late. I'm also afraid that all my progress is gone... But I am still motivated to go on another long streak - I've felt great during that time and I want it to come back.

Last night I had a wet dream and in that dream I've had penetrate for the first time in my life (yes, I didn't even penetrate in my dreams...). So I feel a little bit up-lifted, maybe not all progress is lost - hopefully. Moreover, even if I had a couple of relapses - I feel that PMO is no longer part of my daily basis as it used to be before.

Thanks for reading. How do you think after reading my story? Is it possible that the progress is not lost?

 

[pichus321]

I think your story is of a fighter. I dont think you are so old to say that you are too late for finding the job of your dreams, there are people that find it in his 50s or never, and usually is never.
I never reached the days you did, but reading other people they will say that the progress dosent leave after relapsing. In my opinion i think the same, even more with the quantity of days you did made.

 

[open_mind95]

There is nothing lost and so much gained from this.

Half a year is beyond what almost any guy would even dream of achieving. Take pride in where you are right now.

"But I find myself at zero right now, I am such a loser."

You experienced what it means to abstain from lust and desire to a lever that very few people will ever experience. Life truly starts now, brother.

"All of my good habits seem to be lost. I only take a cold shower from time to time"

Amazing! Now is the time to form those habits, one day at a time. Can't sit still for 20 minutes? Start with five and go from there.

"But it is hard when I feel lonely so often, especially living in this stupid village"

Here is an important distinction: Loneliness and being alone are two different things. Connection can help in mitigating both of it. Practice to reach out to someone and see how you feel less lonely. Hate living in a small village? Move to a larger city.

Now, knowing what you know now, would you go back to self-inflicted pain and suffering? You are figuring something out. And that is that you are in this situation for a reason. A perfect place to grow and realise yourself. You are recognising that hard work pays off.

Life starts now, brother.