Relapsed - It felt good to be "wrong", but now it's just pointless anyway

it is very simple thyge. you are trying to quit a very strong habit.

it is like loosing a very good friend - but this friend was harmful and bad all the years. a part of you does not want to loose him.

has porn any benefit in your life? think about this.

 

I used to relapse every 2 weeks for the longest times. And even with those constant relapses my life improved exponentially from really all standpoints. I mean, once / 2 weeks is better than once / day. But anyway, at some point I started writing down how I felt. 3 entries, one per day, for the first 3 days after the relapse. Did it for a few months.

28 days ago I read all of them. There is not a single entry in which I didn't regret failing. And I don't mean that in an "oh, now I have to start all over again". I tried to be as objective as possible, analyze my day as if nothing happened. The results are always the same. Increased anxiety levels, average (at best) mood, lethargy, lack of will power... So yeah, I miss watching porn sometimes. Not really porn - webcam girls. Those are my "poison" so to speak. But I do have a reference. A sincere one, and glancing over the stuff I wrote allows me to briefly relive it. It's a 'preview' of what happens if I do relapse. I immediately realize how not worth it it is.

 

I am a recovered drug addict (clean 3 years) and I just hit 21 days no PMO. I can easily relate to many things you are experiencing. You have to see it for what it is and overcome it by evolving. You are describing very common addictive tendencies (which is natura for humans) in your seeking/consuming behavior. I am the same way. Plan it out, sneak away...use. Feels good while doing it, doesn't feel good after...this is sadly the way of the world. I read something that said "Gettikg drunk is just borrowing happiness from tomorrow". That stuck with me...you can apply that to any pleasure, use it too much today and it will ruin it for tomorrow. But God can restore and repair. When I used to look at porn the rush felt just like crushing up a pill to snort. Endorphins. Mind over matter now sir.

 

Fight the good fight sir! It is a good chunk of the meaning of life...suffering reminds us of what Christ did his entire life. Choosing to suffer because God spoke against sin and we are all of this world. We have a chance to choose to suffer when we don't have to...when we don't want to. This is when things get interesting. We are then called to LOVE despite the suffering.

That's the trick.