Relapsed on Day 26 - How to get better streak integrity?

I just set harsher rules for myself.

I peek? I reset my counter.
I fantasize actively for more than 5 seconds? I reset my counter.

Everyone has their own "ruleset", but I prefer my streaks CLEAN.

 

You should learn what mistakes you have made from your last relapse. Do something which can change the outcome of you relapsing into something productive.
Example: About to watch porn on a phone to reading a book and more.
Try replacing these activities.

 

Okay, I know a few things about you but in your post history there is little about what you have done. So perhaps I'll take it from the top, if you'd like to see a comprehensive list of what my story is there is my journal in five parts, and a few tools I use successfully in my own recovery.

I just read your post with your own story and your 112-day streak. A few simple questions follow: Did you put into place any Accountability Partners, or did you go porn-free in 'white-knuckle' mode? Not having other men who understand the struggle and can give practical advice (as well as sharing their own experiences and insights along the way), means you try to become porn- and masturbation-free alone. And that is a recipe for disaster. Secondly: Did you put into place basic safeguards, such as deleting all your online porn accounts, putting into place strong filters (I use CovenantEyes, I've heard good things about K9 and Accoutable2U) and shutting off all devices at a certain time at night (typically an hour before normal bedtime)? My own smartphone lives now on my desk around 930pm on weeknights, 10pm on weekends, and I go screen-free. Thirdly: Did you get involved in a church men's group where pornography addiction can be discussed, or a 12-step PAA group or SAA group? Without a structured group, your accountability can go up exponentially; you are not only accountable to a single AP, but many men. Super-powerful and so helpful IMHO. Fourthly: Did you learn about your addiction, and by 'learn' I mean not the stuff online (videos and websites) of dubious and varying quality. I mean books. For example, the AA Big Book I'm reading now and it's great. Just substitute porn addiction for alcoholism and you're set. Reading Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows is an absolute revelation. Doug Weiss The Final Freedom was so helpful to me in discussing emotions and their connection to sexual addiction.

Okay, one more fifth question: did you come up with a written plan? You mean you make more plans for your next month at work but you just freestyle your way through a gripping addiction that has absolute power over your will? Matt Dobschuetz (author of the excellent Porn Free Radio) has a free one here (listen to the video, sign up for the newsletter, and get the PDF with the plan layout). I've written up my second plan, after the first 30-day plan, and the second one has improved a lot. A simple, and effective, tool.

I'll await answers before volunteering any specifics. It doesn't have to be endless years of back-and-forth, it is not only a spiritual problem, it is not only a biological problem, it is also an emotional problem, it is also an intimacy problem, going porn-free may uncover a host of unresolved emotional issues that pornography and masturbation buried for years. But I get ahead of myself.

 

Hi - thanks for the additional detail. I've frankly found the neuroscience stuff to be a hot load of garbage, as so many here look at their addiction to pornography and masturbation from a biological standpoint, which doesn't help at all in their existing condition. FWIW I started my learning with Wilsons' Your Brain on Porn (the book, not the website) and could not finish it. (Disclaimer: scientist by training). Why did I not find any use for this information? Because it describes all the brain plasticity, which is the effect of pornography and masturbation and orgasm on the brain. It does nothing for unpacking the reasons why we habitually and addictively turn to pornography.

Here on this site (and I am aware that I am posting these thoughts on this site) 12-step programs are not really emphasized, and plenty of low-effort and low-quality posts abound with men in the middle of their struggle - often for years - away and back to porn and trying to get away again. It is quite the picture of hell, in agony knowing how bad being addicted is, bound by these chains, the very picture of suffering. I have a bookmark that I purchased from El Prado museum in Madrid, of one of the most striking pieces of art I have seen in my life: Bosco's The Garden of Earthly Delights. (Trigger warning: artwork of nude images as well as people suffering in the most perverted ways, so I won't link to it.) Anyway, you are absolutely correct: it is ACTION AND CONNECTION TO OTHERS that makes the real difference, not hopping online and typing out your thoughts to the ether.

I read with active interest Patrick Carnes' Out of the Shadows, with the 12-steps as its central feature (written in 1983); Doug Weiss' excellent The Final Freedom (1997 or so) expanded in a few ways Carnes' framework with additional (and useful) analysis of his own, tying it also back to (you guessed it) the 12-steps of AA.

I found a few AP's on the subforum to this site, as well as reaching out directly to individuals who seemed 'stuck' in their respective spots and cried out for some kind of help. So in the spirit of the 12th step ("Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs") I reached out to them directly. Heck, I'll reach out directly to you. My time that I used to spend on my pornography addiction added up to perhaps an hour or two a week on average (as a busy person I didn't have a lot of time to edge for hours FWIW). I'm spending a lot more than that in my recovery, but I have years of addiction to make up!

As far as groups go, I am now an active member with PAA, which I encourage you to check out. The forum they host is straight out of 2005, so I find it better to interact and help others here. Look for a message from me.

 

Less screen time will help, even though I am having the same trouble I find that being somewhere public like a living room rather than your bedroom is better, and positioning your phone/ laptop somewhere people can see it when they enter your room. I find these things effective. Hopefully this helps.