relationship help?

[a10mar]

hi.
i’ve had this beautiful girlfriend for about 6 months now who has been the best to me everyday. i love her so much and if i were to ever lose her i’d lose a part of myself.
however, lately i’ve been getting these sudden angry, aggravated feelings with her. it doesn’t stem from anything in particular except SEX. when she doesn’t finish me after she’s started, i get very irritated and feel like there’s this shaky anger built up in me. i don’t wanna make anything worse and i don’t feel the need to talk to her so i tends to stay very quiet after which i see makes her confused.
i also get these feelings while just laying in bed at night. i feel like our relationship starts to become worthless and unmeaningful, however, this usually goes away in the morning.

now to the fine print: i watch porn everyday and i masturbate everyday. i don’t have much to do in the evening after school so it’s a big habit. could what’s happening be a side effect of porn/masturbating??

 

[athlean]

plain and simple: yes

 

[Bob385]

Definitely. Get serious about quitting porn and over time your relationship will improve.

 

[athlean]

I just finished the book 'no more mr nice guy!' (i am single so .. haha) and just started on: 'your brain on porn', thats a book i can definitely recommend

 

[a10mar]

I just finished the book 'no more mr nice guy!' (i am single so .. haha) and just started on: 'your brain on porn', thats a book i can definitely recommend

okay! thank u

 

[JamesTheSquirrel]

hi.
i’ve had this beautiful girlfriend for about 6 months now who has been the best to me everyday. i love her so much and if i were to ever lose her i’d lose a part of myself.
however, lately i’ve been getting these sudden angry, aggravated feelings with her. it doesn’t stem from anything in particular except SEX. when she doesn’t finish me after she’s started, i get very irritated and feel like there’s this shaky anger built up in me. i don’t wanna make anything worse and i don’t feel the need to talk to her so i tends to stay very quiet after which i see makes her confused.
i also get these feelings while just laying in bed at night. i feel like our relationship starts to become worthless and unmeaningful, however, this usually goes away in the morning.

now to the fine print: i watch porn everyday and i masturbate everyday. i don’t have much to do in the evening after school so it’s a big habit. could what’s happening be a side effect of porn/masturbating??

Hi @a10mar,

I used to have a lot of issues finishing with my girlfriend (now wife). This was mainly due to a lack of sensitivity due to PMO. I also found myself wanting more visual stimulation and a feeling of needing to be in control of every motion to achieve O.

I focused on the O during sex. I would do motions that only felt good for me even if it felt uncomfortable for her. When I didn't O I would go really quiet and shut off from everything. I got annoyed at myself for not being able to finish and I would find myself taking that out on her.

What I've found after starting using NoFap is firstly that my sensitivity and enjoyment of sex has increased. Secondly, I've looked into ideas such as Kareeza, sex without O. It's all about taking it slow, enjoying the journey of sex without focusing on the O. Work on helping your partner enjoy herself. I find that this makes inability to O far less frustrating.

I hope this helps. I would definitely recommend that you quit P and you are in the right place to help with that!

 

[Triplex VII]

Your brain gets used to having regular orgasms, and when you dont, you will feel upset, angry, etc. Now, most people get annoyed if they get get worked up without ending in orgasm. Its normal. But not all the time. You, however, are getting at least one orgasm a day, and watching porn. Porn will gradually make your brain wired in a way to where it expects the normal instant gratification that porn and orgasm offers. When you break that pattern, you get withdrawal because you dont have the usual dopamine rush from the orgasm or from the porn use.

What is likely to happen (and I myself ruined a relationship this way) is you are probably going to begin to resent her. Not because you hate her, but because you will suffer withdrawal from no orgasm, or not enough sex, or whatever. You might begin to see her as the reason you dont feel better, since your brain will see her as the missing link to the equation that equals your sexual fulfillment.

I definitely recommend that you look more into this, and do what you can. Porn is something you need to drop. Scientifically speaking it is just not good for your brain. Masterbation is less problematic by itself. But paired with an addiction it too can be a serious issue. If you value that girl, or yourself, take note of this warning.

 

[a10mar]

Hi @a10mar,

I used to have a lot of issues finishing with my girlfriend (now wife). This was mainly due to a lack of sensitivity due to PMO. I also found myself wanting more visual stimulation and a feeling of needing to be in control of every motion to achieve O.

I focused on the O during sex. I would do motions that only felt good for me even if it felt uncomfortable for her. When I didn't O I would go really quiet and shut off from everything. I got annoyed at myself for not being able to finish and I would find myself taking that out on her.

What I've found after starting using NoFap is firstly that my sensitivity and enjoyment of sex has increased. Secondly, I've looked into ideas such as Kareeza, sex without O. It's all about taking it slow, enjoying the journey of sex without focusing on the O. Work on helping your partner enjoy herself. I find that this makes inability to O far less frustrating.

I hope this helps. I would definitely recommend that you quit P and you are in the right place to help with that!

thank you very very much for this reply. i have now realized how much this is a problem for me and i’m for sure going to quit. i also have a question. is the urge to masturbate to porn the only withdrawal to quitting the addiction?

 

[a10mar]

Your brain gets used to having regular orgasms, and when you dont, you will feel upset, angry, etc. Now, most people get annoyed if they get get worked up without ending in orgasm. Its normal. But not all the time. You, however, are getting at least one orgasm a day, and watching porn. Porn will gradually make your brain wired in a way to where it expects the normal instant gratification that porn and orgasm offers. When you break that pattern, you get withdrawal because you dont have the usual dopamine rush from the orgasm or from the porn use.

What is likely to happen (and I myself ruined a relationship this way) is you are probably going to begin to resent her. Not because you hate her, but because you will suffer withdrawal from no orgasm, or not enough sex, or whatever. You might begin to see her as the reason you dont feel better, since your brain will see her as the missing link to the equation that equals your sexual fulfillment.

I definitely recommend that you look more into this, and do what you can. Porn is something you need to drop. Scientifically speaking it is just not good for your brain. Masterbation is less problematic by itself. But paired with an addiction it too can be a serious issue. If you value that girl, or yourself, take note of this warning.

this is also an extremely helpful reply. it’s opened a lot of perspective and i cannot tell you how much i appreciate it. it’s so nice to have supporting people on here who can relate so well. do you think i should quit porn or just masturbation as a whole?

 

[JamesTheSquirrel]

thank you very very much for this reply. i have now realized how much this is a problem for me and i’m for sure going to quit. i also have a question. is the urge to masturbate to porn the only withdrawal to quitting the addiction?

Glad you found it useful. The urge to masturbate is definitely not the only withdrawal symptom, particularly if you quit both porn and masturbation - it differs from person to person though. Some people get very pent up with rage, some have trouble focusing on things, some people feel very down and depressed. I'd recommend reading some journals of others on the forum to get a better perspective of a range of peoples experiences

 

[Triplex VII]

this is also an extremely helpful reply. it’s opened a lot of perspective and i cannot tell you how much i appreciate it. it’s so nice to have supporting people on here who can relate so well. do you think i should quit porn or just masturbation as a whole?

Personally I would just quit both porn and masterbation. I think you can get away with still masterbating. I wont lie to you. But what I will say is that people of today, myself included, have this idea that we all need and even deserve to have sexual release. We dont. We are made to mate. And sexuality is a useful tool of health and healing in romantic relationships. Masterbation is fake. It is a proxy for the real thing. Why settle for that? Or why engage with it instead of just the real thing? Especially when it is such an unnecessary thing. Additionally, there is another type of myth people believe. They believe that your romantic partner can and will fulfill all of your needs. This is not true either. But when you set aside your sexual desires, and allow them (which as I said is meant as a tool for relationships and a means of reproduction) to only be met by your partner - there is a true magic in that.

 

[a10mar]

Personally I would just quit both porn and masterbation. I think you can get away with still masterbating. I wont lie to you. But what I will say is that people of today, myself included, have this idea that we all need and even deserve to have sexual release. We dont. We are made to mate. And sexuality is a useful tool of health and healing in romantic relationships. Masterbation is fake. It is a proxy for the real thing. Why settle for that? Or why engage with it instead of just the real thing? Especially when it is such an unnecessary thing. Additionally, there is another type of myth people believe. They believe that your romantic partner can and will fulfill all of your needs. This is not true either. But when you set aside your sexual desires, and allow them (which as I said is meant as a tool for relationships and a means of reproduction) to only be met by your partner - there is a true magic in that.

you’re so right. i completely understand. i’ll take it step by step with my girlfriend and see how things lay down. thank you very much

 

[a10mar]

Glad you found it useful. The urge to masturbate is definitely not the only withdrawal symptom, particularly if you quit both porn and masturbation - it differs from person to person though. Some people get very pent up with rage, some have trouble focusing on things, some people feel very down and depressed. I'd recommend reading some journals of others on the forum to get a better perspective of a range of peoples experiences

okay. i appreciate that. i’ll for sure look into some things!

 

[Deleted Account]

You have a real life girlfriend! Why in the hell would you want to get off to an image???

 

[a10mar]

You have a real life girlfriend! Why in the hell would you want to get off to an image???

you’re super right, the thing is that i don’t get to see her everyday. i only see her on weekends due to the strictness of her parents- it honestly gets really hard