1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Relationship Monotony/Monogamy Challanges

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Carbon Icon, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

    295
    351
    63
    40 days in to no P and no M. I have been feeling very strong and confident until the last couple of days. I have been having very strong urges the last couple of days. The attraction seems to be for the excitement and variety that P offers. My married sex life is very active and sex is usually good but generally seems to be repetitive and is always with the same person obviously. Given that men have strong natural attraction to many women, how do you manage to be successful in monogamy without having this feeling of deprivation or missing out? Obviously using P has given me some very unrealistic sex life expectations and I hope they will continue to fade as time without P goes on, but... I can't imagine I time when I am attracted only to my wife or that my desire for variety fades completely. Is monogamy a losing proposition. Has our puritanical culture put is in a position of having to fight our natural inclinations in order to be successful in monogamous marriage? Or can we be fulfilled within the confines of monogamy? And if so how? .... Thanks
     
  2. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    I think one manages a successful monogamous relationship by understanding more that love is much more than just sex, and finding a true goal and joy in life in aspiring to the higher and lasting value of only loving your partner in your life - your best friend and the love of your life, and not wanting to hurt her heart or your own heart with cheating. Might that help if you focus on that more from day to day? Give her outright signs of love, unasked and with no self-expectation of return every day, and your love will excite her love and vice versa, thoughout your relationship. Why then would you want any other woman? You can control those other base urges with such recovery as on this site.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2016
  3. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    Maybe you can't be happy in a monogamous relationship. Maybe think about this though. How long are women going to want to sleep with you? You're 37. Not saying anything about your looks or charm, but most women your age have partners and a family. Are they likely to want to jump into bed with you? The older you get, the less you're going to be able to score chicks.

    Now. Think about your poor partner. You're lucky to have her. You're lucky to have found someone who wants to be with you, physically and otherwise. Are you honestly willing to throw away a propper, real life with someone you love? For a few random encounters, that will get less and less over time until you are old and alone?

    I'm sorry to be harsh. But I'm really quite sick of men blaming their behaviour on evolutionary imperatives. We are no longer animals. We have evolved beyond that. To stick to that way of thonking, and blaming it when you make mistakes, is keeping you in the dark ages.
     
  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    938
    93
    Bravo Diremerl!!!

    I can't understand all the how can I be satisfied with 1 woman posts. Why bother to get married.
     
    Gamerwife85 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  5. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    Yes, well said @DireMerl. I'm with @Rav70...it's amazing how many times we hear the same thing over and over again....evolution makes me want to be with lots of different women, I can't be happy with the same woman, I get easily bored, it's biology.....What nonsense. I guarantee you none of the guys flogging that line will manage to get where they say they want to go. A few of them will leave their SO's and find out what a tough thing it is getting laid out in the real world. Sorry, but I don't see too many hot young babes lined up to be with a 37-year old dude with a PMO problem and commitment issues. The others will just keep chasing their tails (and the cheap thrills of PMO) and not make any progress towards solving the problems they know they have (otherwise, why are they here?).
     
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    938
    93
    I like you 11.
     
    The Eleven likes this.
  7. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    143
    399
    63
    I think it's amazing how so few men are recognizing the importance of being bonded with the person they claimed was so important at one point that they convinced them to marry them.

    I wonder how much of it is due to an oxytocin depletion. From intimacy with a partner you get dopamine AND oxytocin, the bonding chemical. Just fapping or PMO gives you a dopamine fix but zero oxytocin.

    Now as people break free from the dopamine rushes of PMO, many of them are not reinvesting their energy into bringing their relationships up to healthy standards. They have been lacking emotional attachment for so little long, that they don't realize that simple stopping PMO is not going to fix their lives. They have to fix the broken relationships too. And if you have a PMO addiction you have seriously jacked up relationships.

    There are people here who stop PMO but never commit to being fully honest with their partners about thei addiction in the first place. Can that relationship EVER be truly healthy when there isn't mutual respect and 100% honesty? Can they ever be truly EQUAL PARTNERS in the relationship when one partner is keeping secrets? Don't kid yourself. The answer is a RESOUNDING 'NO'.

    Stop being SO focused on the sex and START being focused on the PERSON.
     
  8. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    Thanks, @Rav70!

    You know, thinking about this more....I think it's just easier for some of these guys to lay all this off on some sort of evolutionary imperative than to face up to the fact that they have allowed these real, meaningful relationships to wither (and sometimes die) by virtue of their neglect. To accept that they have chosen -- and they are choices, friends, even if this is an addiction -- to invest their time and energy into PMO rather than into their real world relationships, and by doing so have caused serious, even permanent, damage to those relationships. That's a bitter pill to swallow. Makes it hard to look at one's self in the mirror. I know, because I had to do those things....even if it would have been easier to blame it on evolution blah blah blah blah.
     
  9. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    It's always easier to blame something else. It's hard to admit that you are the problem.that being said, unless you can admit that you fucked up, your behaviour will never change. Why would it need to if it's not your fault?

    There are also a huge number of guys in here stating that their partner won't give them sex or intimacy. Whereas in the TONS of research I've done on the matter, there are loads of women out there who say their men aren't interested in sex. Something doesn't quite add up there. I don't know if it's pmo related but there are hundreds of women on various forums, bemoaning their lack of sex life.

    Perhaps both sides need to admit that a decent sex life takes work from both partners. Especially in long term relationships.
     
  10. BMDirty

    BMDirty Fapstronaut

    46
    20
    8
    Yeah, I have been very faithful in my relationships, at least physically. I would say the biggest help in keeping me fully faithful is working togeather on common goals that we both find important, even if those goals are as simple as "Finding a way to go to the dropkick murphy/Tiger Army show next month".
     
  11. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    True. And it also would help if everyone got over this notion that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. If you put in some work on communication and intimacy, there's no reason in the world why most relationships can't be mutually satisfying sexually. Obviously, there are exceptions -- medical issues, serious libido mismatches, etc. But for the most part, if you just drop all the bullshit, you can have a great sex life with your same old boring partner. (Who, by the way, probably has to do some mental gymnastics not to be completely bored with you, too).
     
  12. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    143
    399
    63
    @BMDirty some would argue that an addiction to PMO would mean that you were not "physically faithful". If you are having a O without your SO, you aren't truly working together in life.

    Just saying....
     
  13. BMDirty

    BMDirty Fapstronaut

    46
    20
    8
    Honestly, I feel the same now. I never used too until I realized how much it effected my relationships. I am not the hairy handed fiend I used to be, but I did lapse, and my relationship suffered greatly

    Even from the 3 months of minor lapses and a week of major lapsing.
    I guess I still blame my exwife for a lot of my struggle in losing the addiction, and so I view myself as the saint in the relationship.. Thinking back, maybe not so faithful.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  14. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

    295
    351
    63
    Perhaps a more careful read and less quick rush to judgement is in order. I do not at any point blame my behavior on a biological imperative. I only point out the challenge this imperative creates for me (and I suspect many others - including women).

    Modern humans have been around for about 200,000 years. For most of that time (%95+) pair bonding was not the norm. Pretending that we have not evolved to "spread our seed" is not going to help anyone. We see the same challenge in the obesity epidemic and the reward centers in our brains for high sugar/high fat foods. Human nature/biology does not override our will, but it does influence our decision making. To ignore this fact will not help anyone. I take responsibility for my behavior. That's why I'm here. But I'm also willing to be honest about the challenges we face. We are not living in a hallmark card.

    BTW at exactly what point in our evolution did we stop being animals? What a strange notion.

    I have been completely honest with my wife in all things including this challenge. Our sex life is very active currently and has been for most of our time together. Yet I still find myself attracted to other women and wishing for more excitement from time to time. I suspect much of this desire is a hold over from my PMO use. I recognize it creates very false expectations. I hope it will fade but am concerned that this will be continue to be a challenge for me going forward and make it harder for me to avoid PMO. I would like advice not judgement. I do not want a non monogamous relationship. I've never had sex with another women while married and don't intend to. I want this relationship to continue to be successful and to be fully fulfilling for both of us. Thanks.
     
    aaho, TakingTheSteps and FredSamson like this.
  15. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    I'm sorry if you felt I was judgemental. Perhaps I should have read your op more closely. On the other hand, perhaps you should have stayed more clearly, that you desire a monogamous relationship with your wife. Your post sounded very much as though you were questioning the possibility.

    In response to your response about evolution and it's difficulty in promoting 'pair bonding' I agree with you on an anamilistic level. By my stating that were no longer animals, I am suggesting that we have the self awareness and brain capacity to measure our behaviour on things other than basic instinct.

    Human beings have an evolutionary imperative to kill others for territory and mating rights. I can't say I've ever murdered someone because I wanted their kfc, or their husband. Men don't go around killing other men to get into the property ladder. Things are different now. Even in the short time we have been alive, things have changed a huge amount. I'm merely suggesting that you use rational thought instead of using evolution as a crutch.

    I'm aware you say you don't blame your behaviour in evolution, so I'm slightly confused as to what your point is. Either men are biolically wired to spread their seed, or they chose what they do with their penis. You can't have it both ways.

    I also find it interesting that you decided to single out my post from some of the others. Any way. I honestly didn't mean to annoy you. I just wanted to give you my thoughts on the situation. I guess it just upsets me a little to think about your partner, who clearly wants to be with you, while you're busy wondering what it would be like to have sex with other women. That mindset can only be damaging for your continued happiness in your relationship. Perhaps it is dopamine seeking behaviour because of lack of p use? Maybe you're seeking the next big thrill because you're abstaining from p?

    Nevertheless I wish you the best and hope you continue to be happy in your marriage.
     
  16. I like your encouragement in the beginning and fully agree but I don't think you are right in the end. I don't think we have evolved beyond that . Different researchers says different things when it comes to when monogamous started but let's just look at the facts.

    Do you still have the same amount of sex with your partner as the first month? Have you not heard of anyone with "low libido" leave the partner just to have sex 3 times a day with the new one?

    Being monogamy is really tough and leading to allot of depression and divorces. It definitely is a common reason for PMO and it doesn't make the nofap easier to deny that.
     
    Carbon Icon likes this.
  17. I can't stand that the common view is that men have problem with monogamy. Women have the same problem. Women have the same need for sex and women initiate divorces more often then men.
     
    Carbon Icon likes this.
  18. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    Perhaps that's how men see it. I don't know. I would probably blame the increase in infidelity and divorce rates, more on the fact that the last few generations have been brainwashed into fast paced, get it now thinking due to technology etc.

    People don't actually work at anything anymore. We are living in an arrested development culture where we want everything handed to us on a plate, with as little effort as possible.

    The same is true of marriage and relationships. The second we feel like somethings not right, or we want something else. Poof. We're off. Onto the next New thing. You can see it in our schools. I'm a supply teacher. Most classrooms I walk into, the kids can't even work answers out logically. They can't be bothered to read for the answer in the text books. So they Google it. They can't think for themselves.

    If you don't believe monogomy is right for you then don't bloody do it. All I'm disputing here is that it is impossible. People are not unable to stay faithful. They just can't be arsed. It's much easier to look for satisfaction elsewhere.

    Proof? How many humans, Would rather buy a lottery ticket ? instead of working their ass off to get a good education, good job, build their own company and end up millionaires?
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  19. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    I replied before I saw your post. I'm not sure of the facts behind that. Women really initiate more divorces due to lack of sex? I'm not sure about that.

    What is the evolutionary imperative behind this I wonder? Or is it just as I suggest above? That people are lazy and childish.

    That is all besides the point anyway. Most of the Women on here are suffering from lack of propper sex with their porn addicted husbands. None of them are asking whether they are capable of only surviving with one sexual partner who is not meeting their needs.

    Even that is beside the point. Of you hold this view, why are you here? Why do you have a wife or long term partner? I'm not suggesting your point of view is incorrect for you. But why are you here asking about it? If you don't want to be in your relationship. Don't. But don't blame that on men's (or womens) inability to commit to one partner. Its a cop out.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  20. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    Also. It is not the reason for pmo. That's you making excuses for your behaviour. My husband doesn't give me sex very often. I don't cheat on him. If I did, that would be my choice. Not because I'm having trouble in the bedroom.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.

Share This Page