We are trying to uncover my behaviors, many times seemingly unexplained. Why did I do this and that? Why do I continue to do stuff that would cause my wife pain? Why does it feel like I am not making progress? My wife believes that I am subconsciously trying to hurt her, and there may be a couple of different reasons for this. One reason that comes to mind is because she does not want me to watch P. Another reason is because she points out, during our conversations, how my actions hurt her. To be honest, I still don't want to believe it on some level. How can what I do bring down someone who I see as such a strong individual? I can see, consciously and without a doubt, the shear amount of willpower that my wife has. Many moons ago we did talk about how this might be a factor in my mindset in this regard. My actions hurt her deeply and continually because she loves me. Her love for me is like nothing I have seen before. But, it is this capability of her that I simultaneously love and hate. Why? Why do I have this split attitude? It may be because, on a subconscious level, I don't like it when a woman is better at life than I am. I have been wrestling with this idea for a long time. I don't consciously see women as below me. Consciously, I believe women should be respected in all regards. But, I am aware that I still judge women based on how they look. I may not say the words in my head, but I feel the energy behind those words. There is so much to ponder about my behavior, but we both believe that the same behavior I exhibit now is what lead to P, and P just covered it up for many years. I spend a little bit of time reflecting on our conversations, but not nearly enough. At times I am not able to bring about deeper and connected understandings about who I am and what I have done. Perhaps I use this as an excuse to not continue to reflect.