Relationship Woes

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Leslie1997, Sep 18, 2020.

Is this my issue?

  1. Yes

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  2. No

    4 vote(s)
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  1. Leslie1997

    Leslie1997 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys. I’m in need of some guidance. My boyfriend has come to realise his porn addiction (4-5 months ago) and has begun a reboot in a relationship. We are still intimate throughout this. He communicates that his love tank is empty, that despite reaching climax 1-3 times a day he finds our sex life boring, fantasises about other girls, doesn’t feel wanted by me. I’m very confused. We have started trying that only I initiate intimacy. When I do initiate he feels fantastic for a few hours before retreating into a ‘waiting for the next’ time to happen. If I don’t initiate fast enough, then he will initiate and then say that because I didn’t interpret his need, it therefore doesn’t count towards him feeling loved by me. I understand wanting to feel wanted by me so I do my best to fulfil this. I have expressed that I feel like a substitute for pornography to which he agreeable. But then doesn’t want to look at ways he could improve in his attitude or in the way we come together intimately.
    I feel like a failure and then on the other hand, angry because I feel like I give a ‘service’ and that we don’t build intimacy, just please him.
    Any feedback/advise on what to do from here would be appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2020
  2. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    It’s not you, it’s him.

    Nothing will satisfy him until he works on his sex addiction.

    Much love and support for you and him.
     
  3. Leslie1997

    Leslie1997 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for a reply. Do you have any advise on how I could approach the matter with him? You mentioned sex addiction not pornography addiction, does that mean a moderate or hard mode approach is best? I want my partner to feel loved by me. He has identified acts of service as his love language and equates sexual acts/effort towards this as an interpretation of love.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2020
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Porn addiction falls under thr "umbrella" of sex addiction. A porn addiction is a form ifnsex addiction and the terms are often used interchangeably.
     
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  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    He is the one with the problem, not you. He is the one with and addiction and he is the one that need to fix himself, not you.

    If you are not fulfilled in this relationship, why are you still in it? Why are you still dating an addict that is making you feel this way? Maybe you should take some time apart until he can fix his problem and be able to connect with you a not just use you as a replacement of porn. You deserve better than that, don't settle for less.
     
    Leslie1997 likes this.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He has not begun a reboot. You both misunderstand what that is. When addressing addiction you must address all aspects and this includes fantasy. He is using you as a substitute for porn and since you cannot be 100 different women ( novelty) you are boring. This does not mean you are a failure. It means he is an addict. Having sex 1-3 times a day is unsustainable and not even natural, except maybe in the very beginning of a relationship. Don’t you guys have jobs? What about when you have kids and jobs? He is a sex addict. He equates love and intimacy with orgasm. You can feel/be loved without sex and orgasm. He calls love making an “ act of service?” Please service me sexually or I won’t feel loved. He’s manipulating you. Csats recommend hardmode no sex no sexual stimuli for 90 days. This means he doesn’t get to touch you sexually, doesn’t get to see you naked, doesn’t masturbate or fantasize. No sex what so ever. During this time you focus on love and intimacy without sex. I’m going to be blunt though, if you were my daughter, at 23, I’d tell you to run. Get as far away from him as possible. Block him, and never look back. If need be I’d pay to send you on vacation for a month with no access for him to you. I married my husband at 23, it’s a very difficult life when you marry an addict. I obviously didn’t know he was an addict. Now, 28 years later, he’s finally having success in beating this. 27 years he was trying to stop on his own. Now, counseling, group meetings 3 times a week, accountability partners and he’s just beginning to be successful. This is for life. Understand that. Read the journals on here of men in their 40+. Then decide if that’s what you want.
     
  7. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    First decide if this relationship is your best life and what you want out of this life.

    He seems like a sex addict, beyond just porn addiction. Acts of service is my love language too. I don’t equate my wife getting me off with acts of service. That is physical intimacy. It sounds like he has a distorted vision of things. He will likely need advice of a therapist to help him see that distortion. If you want to go down this path, you’ll need one too or an active community to support you and help you check your choices and his rationale to assess how healthy they are.

    Your worth is not defined by him. Your worth is not defined by you gratifying his sexual desires. I used to manipulate my wife the same way as your partner and it destroyed her for several years. She was more hurt by my blaming and shaming her than me binging on porn.
     
    Leslie1997 likes this.
  8. Leslie1997

    Leslie1997 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for all your insight. That’s exactly how I feel - more hurt by the blaming and shaming. I have gently brought up that I feel his actions are congruent with SA and replacing porn with me. He agrees but I struggle. I feel there is a power Imbalance - we do couples counseling. He assumes the ‘better than me’ position and I feel less than, unable to share that his actions hurt because he sees his needs as paramount. I feel that engaging in sexual intimacy at the moment is enabling him.
    How did your wife communicate to you? That she felt manipulated?
    I care for him deeply and want to work with him not against him, however I cannot let myself down anymore.
     
  9. Leslie1997

    Leslie1997 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your advise. I am with him as he is very committed to his recovery. However in this journey he catches a snag when it comes to intimacy - that it is a service for him and not a chance for us to connect.
    The idea of time apart is quite scary, is this something you did?
     
  10. Leslie1997

    Leslie1997 Fapstronaut

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    Wow thank you for your reply. Very comprehensive. I hadn’t thought of it as him not having started the reboot. I assumed that since he hasn’t watched porn in months that he had entered a new phase. I also really resonated that his love language is confused as I also do not believe that love is felt through orgasms.
    do you have any advise about csats? We currently see a couples counsellor, should we also see a sex addiction based one? sometimes daily I think about leaving him. He truly does bring so much joy outside of sexual intimacy. I fed his self worth is tied to it. I read something that said ‘women need to realise love isn’t suffer first, enjoy the rewards later’. But then I see him doing his weekly therapy, daily reading about love and intimacy, completing inpatient treatments... he truly is dedicated and loving but it’s like there is a layer of denial in order to hold onto the addiction
    If we were to try the hard mode, which I am inclined to do, did you ever encounter unnecessary arguments or anger from your partner when his testosterone was high? If so what are some tips around that. My nature is people pleasing to which I do my own work on so guidance on how to support but not emotionally carry him would be amazing
    I hear you about how I should run, I sometimes have those feelings and it scares me
     
  11. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    Couples counseling only works with 2 people who are in a relatively healthy place, in my opinion. He needs professional help. Once he gets the helps he needs than you could pursue couples counseling.

    A couples counselor will work from the standpoint that your relationship is disordered. But this is not true, he is disordered, not your relationship.

    You are hurt, and that makes sense. He has betrayed you and continues to betray you when he initiates intimacy and then he blames you for it. This is very common with this kind of addiction.

    The best thing I ever did was work with a sex addiction coach, it changed my life. I didn't have a lot of success with a CSAT, but others have.

    He is abusing you, and he needs to stop. A couples counselor wont see that. The counselor with encourage his to meet his own needs and try to teach you skills on listening to each other. This are great skills when there are 2 faithful people that just cant seem to communicate well, but that is not what is happening in your relationship.
     
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  12. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    if it's a service for him then charge him for it haha. at least you are going to make a few bucks in the meantime :p (Just kidding!)
    Of course I did it, I did it every time my SO failed to met my needs while I was fulfilling hers. I was scared too but at the same time I was confident that I could find someone better, and life proved me that it was the right thing to do. Every SO I dated after that was better than the previous one and never looked back. A couple of ex's called me a few years beyond our break up asking for another chance, but because I was experiencing better relationships than with them I respectfully decline their offer.

    My advice is that if your needs are not met with him because of his porn addiction, let him know that and that you should better stop dating until he get his shit together with his addiction. In the meantime explore dating other guys that already have their shit together and are more fun to be around and easier to connect physically/spiritually. If someday he gets his shit together and contact you then you can decide if you want to give him another shot with you.
     
  13. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like some Love Language terminology used here. Have you both read and are utilizing The Five Love Languages? Because you need to be on the same page with each other communication wise.

    second—you are not psychic and are not going to know every single time your partner wants you to initiate. If your partner wants sex/touch, they should initiate as well. Not initiating does not mean you don’t love your partner—it just means you don’t know they want sex/touch.

    mid your partner’s love tank is empty and he finds your sex life boring, what is he doing to change that? Is he trying to make deeper emotional connections? Has he tried spicing up your sex life?

    Sex is a partnership—you can’t expect one person to do all the work or accept all the responsibility.

    If he is rebooting, he shouldn’t be climaxing 1-3 times per day. If he has a porn addiction and is rebooting, better to go no PMO for 90 days.
     
  14. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    This is one of the fundamental causes of any addiction—the inability or absence of connection. Learning to be intimate during sex is KEY to beating addiction.
     
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Learning to be intimate period! Lol
     
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