Relationships

Hi @Roady
First of, how are you? I hope you’re doing alright.

Yes, it really does. The anger makes it’s hard, I try to stay calm, but sometimes I want to lash out, but I know it’s not fair to him to do. I know he’s not it doing it purposely to upset me, he just isn’t ready to face it yet.

Thank you for sharing you’re experience and your raw honesty is so refreshing. I’m so sorry for what you must have felt, and how difficult that must have been for you and your girlfriend at the time. That must have been so terrible for you, keeping it in and not being able to open up to people. Porn seems to make intimate connection so difficult and I feel for what you both went through.

This is why I have not walked away my boyfriend. I love him deeply, and he is not his addiction, just like you were not. It does not define anyone. He wasn’t trying to offend me, just as you were not trying to offend your girlfriend. It’s a defence mechanism, isn’t it? The fear of anyone finding out. My boyfriend told me that the reason he gets so defensive is due to the shame he feels for using it. I really like your analogy about the band aid, it’s exactly like that. Wow, thank you. This is why I love this community, you’ve again given me a deeper view of what he is feeling and it only makes never feel more sad for him than angry. I don’t know why I didn’t think about how he feels about his porn usage, because in my brain I just assumed that he did it for all the reasons that weren’t even true. I’m starting to see his porn habit has more to do with his inner struggles and feelings than me not being enough. That makes a lot of sense. I was so lost in feeling like I just wasn’t good enough, not realizing it has less to do with me than his own inner battles. I wish I could say that brings my self esteem back, but unfortunately that will take more time and effort on my part to get there.

I’ve come to understand that a bit more, how it brings feelings of shame, and distances couples. Thank you for your continued support, truly. You are right, and he’s admitted it is a problem doing it around me, and I consider that to be a start. It’s a small step, and he’s genuinely been trying very hard. I do however know that if he doesn’t deal with the root of the issue, this will happen again. I’m trying to support him as best I can to show him he can overcome this. I know he can. He is actually a very intelligent person, and does know that this is an issue, but I think he’s been doing it long enough that he is now reliant on it and it has become a crutch. His biggest struggle is he doesn’t deal well with things when it all becomes too much. He had a hard time letting people in to help him.

Thank you, Roady. Your kindness, support and encouragement Is a great comfort to me. To finally feel supported instead of judged for staying with him is a big deal for me. It’s the reason it took so long for me to reach out to anyone. I thought most people would just tell me to leave him and walk away, but I know he is better than this and can fight it.

Thank you for that. I guess I felt crazy as I don’t know how to deal with jealousy. I’ve never been the jealous type, and have never felt like I had to compete with anything or anyone else. It’s a new feeling to me, and I don’t deal with it well. Thank you for understanding. I thought it was selfish of me to ask this of him, but when I’m in a relationship with someone, I only expect the same level of commitment and effort that I give. You’re absolutely right, I see that now. I’ve been focused on finding a solution, because I do fear the loss of this relationship, and that’s because we have a connection that I have not had with anyone else, and we want to build a life together. You are not wrong in the confusion, it’s a prominent feeling for me as of late, jumbled in with all the rest. I’m very grateful for your honesty, and please do not worry about upsetting me offending me. It is a vulnerable topic, and I feel very deeply about it, but I also think that’s why it’s so important to talk about it.

I guess my anxiety started when I noticed the subtle changes that were happening due to his porn usage. The little things that i never noticed before because I didn’t make the connection at first between these signs and pornography. As an example, a discussion we had once about having a threesome and our thoughts on the subject. He has a curiosity about it, and I wasn’t into the idea. After I found out about what type of porn he watches (A lot of fetish lesbian porn and threesomes.) I realized this curiosity stemmed from what he was watching and I think he might have had the idea that it would be erotic and exciting, when in my realist opinion, I saw it as maybe becoming messy with feelings getting hurt, and boundaries being crossed. The reality of threesomes is not like it is in porn, and If im being honest I just don’t have a curiosity to watch him with anyone else intimately or to be with another person in that way. He has set it aside and told me it’s not a huge deal and it’s fine with never having one, but now I have a constant fears of his curiosity growing to The point of him I’m doing something he would regret. I don’t believe he would ever cheat on me, but I also don’t know the full extent of how much power his addiction holds over him. So, when I found out about it, all the little things that never bothered me before brought me so much anxiety that I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I hope that makes sense! I’m working on healthy coping mechanisms to better deal with my anxiety. I will take time to think that over it is a really difficult question, and one I have avoided asking myself. But, I think it’s time that I face that question.

Thank you for your understanding and advice as I haven actually considered seeking help as well. I do know that to feel good about myself again, I need to learn to love who I am again and not base it on what much worth is to someone else. I am trying hard to remind myself I am enough. You have helped me much more than I think you could know. Your insight has brought me clarity and given me a lot to think about. Thank you doesn’t cover it. You are a very kind person and you taking the times to respond and care has brought me to tears if I’m being honest. All this support here has. I no longer feel lost in this pain. My gratitude is endless. I only hope I can help someone as much as you and everyone here has helped me. Please know I am here for you in return as well. I hope you’re doing alright, and wish you the best. Take care, Roady.

 

Hello,
Thank you for your caring and concern, I appreciate it, I really do. And, I agree with what’s you’re saying, love isn’t about sacrificing my happiness for someone else, but what him and I have is real love. His addiction does not change the fact that he loves and cares for me. It doesn’t make what he has done right, and it can’t take away the hurt he’s caused but he acknowledges what he has been doing is wrong, and has been trying to change. It’s been a bit over a week since he’s watched porn or even looked at it. I’m really proud of his progress and I know it doesn’t mean that he is done with it, or even close to recovery, but I choose to stand by him because I love him. If this continues and he refuses to work on it or get help, then I am am prepared to walk away from him to heal myself and maybe it will help him realize he need some help as well. I won’t let him walk all over my feelings. The reason I stay with him is because I know him, and addiction does not define him. I don’t think I’m addicted to him. I just care a lot about him, and I don’t believe in giving up on someone when you have so much that’s worth fighting’s for. I am considering talking to someone, because I have a lot of trust and confidence to build back up. I wish it was my boyfriend I could talk to, but until he is able to deal with his issues of not being able to Facebook this problem fully and talk to me, I will continue to support and love him. He’s a great guy, who’s dealing with a terrible addiction.

He just doesn’t know how to deal with the issue, unfortunately. He knows it’s a problem, and it’s wrong, but he’s not ready to let it go yet I don’t think. Mostly because we have different views on it. He thinks it’s not a big deal, and I do. I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with that, I don’t think anyone is beyond reach. I may not be able to reach him now, but I know he can be reached. He just needs to open himself up to getting help. Thank you, I appreciate your words, and you’re right. Isolation is the worst thing for me, and it’s why I’m here I guess. I’m waiting until I get home to talk to my friend as I’m kind of stuck in the UK until my flight back to Canada next month. I’ve not been able to get back home sooner due to the current situation. I’ve been stuck here 2 months past my visa expiring. I’ve been working on dealing with my anxiety, and my issues because I don’t want to rely on my boyfriend to feel good about myself. That’s my job. Thank you for being kind, and letting me know it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.

I’m not trying to make excuses, what he has done is hurtful and disrespectful to towards me, And he knows these things as well as me having expressed how I feel about it. I just don’t feel there is a point in talking about it with him now until he is ready. He is trying, and struggling, but he know that he can come to me. I don’t want to push him away by forcing him to open up. I walked away from a previously relationship due to alcoholism, and would walk away from this one if I believed change would never happen. I’m not addicted to him. I’m giving him a chance to prove he is the man i know he can be, for our relationship and himself. I just don’t give up on people easily unless I have no other choice. I have given him an ultimatum. Me or pint. Work on it or I’ll walk.

Your advice is much appreciated, and I definitely plan on working on myself, and hopefully trying to save my relationship. I hope you’re doing alright, and having a nice day!

 

Awe, you made me smile, thanks you! It’s my pleasure, I enjoy chatting with you.

Yes, I agree. It will be a long process, and I’m going to do what I can to help him get there, but I know most of this battle needs to be fought by him. I can support and love him through it though. That’s a good observation actually, because the longer the usage has been happening, the longer the recovery process, is that a correct assumption?

Thank you for those words of encouragement, I don’t always feel strung, but he has a way of reminding me that I am. It warms my heart to that you have faith in our relationship and our bond, even with not knowing me well! It gives me another reason to hope.

I’d like tell you right now and complete sincerity, you have no reason to feel ashamed. We are all human and this is a place of support, care and understanding. You do not have to feel any shame when you talk to me, please remember that, okay? Feel free to message me anytime If you’d like to talk and know that you will not be judged in any way.

That is so nice of you to say, and makes me feel really special! But unfortunately that was not the case. He did not come to me about it, and actually has a very difficult time in talking about hard things. So, please do not feel you are alone in finding it difficult to talk to the people around you about it. My boyfriend is open about it now because it is no longer a secret. I wish i didn’t have to find out the way I did, and that he would have come to me as I can’t think of how I might have ever made him feel like he couldn’t. But, it’s not that’s easy as I’ve come to learn. It’s a difficult subject to talk about for some people and I don’t think many but people like to be in such a vulnerable position. And, my boyfriend has shown his strength in realizing he needed to make a change and open himself up to me, just as you have shown true strengths in joining nofap and becoming a part of a community that comes together for those who need it. So, you are far stronger than you might even realize! Just talk to people you trust on your own time, when you’re ready. Don’t force it. It will come easily once you are ready to do so.

I hope for you then that one day you are able to talk to your best friend and that you receive only love and understanding in return. If not. Know that I am here and I know the community of kind people are here for you, too. I’m wishing you all the best as well! Love and hugs to you! Please take care, and don’t forget how amazing you are!

 

By the way just coming back to this post, I have been reading a book on online sexual addiction which covers therapy for all types of sexual encounters online, this world is not just porn addicts, there are people addicted to casual hook ups even whilst married and with kids, because the excitement of this world and their lack of control forces them to insanely stupid things and put their marriage at risk. There are stories of young girls who pretend to be older on Tinder so they can hook up with older men as they struggle at home for various reasons. There are stories of disgraceful older men who prey on vulnerable young girls. There are webcam chat sessions, role play sex games, etc etc etc, the online world is novel and hence why it creates such a strong addiction in the mind for the addict.

Anyhoo, there was a really interesting chapter on how partners can heal together. I'm sure you do this anyway, as you seem to have an intimate relationship with your BF, but thought I would share it anyhow. They said that at night, or whenever, face your partner, and for 5 minutes each, give yourself both the time to say whatever you both feel, with no reservations. Do not interrupt each other in this time. So you can do yours, then encourage him to do the same. Do it a few times. And maybe 3-4 times a week max. The idea is that we listen to each other.

I thought this was a really interesting exercise for couples to try, as sometimes we are unable to express ourselves, and therapists recommend this exercise to those who are looking for ways to save their relationship through addicted partners. Maybe introduce it as a game if you don't want to scare your partner off.

 

Hello again.
That’s really interesting, thank you very much for sharing that. May I ask the name of the book? I’d like to look into more. I really like the idea, and I appreciate your suggestion. I’m going to try and implement that into our nightly routine, and see what results come of it. I’m very grateful for this, I think it could help him feel better about being more open with me. Thanks for thinking of me. You’re right, it can be difficult to express things sometimes and talk about them. Thank you again! I hope you’re doing well.

 

Joe!
How are you? How have you been? I’m happy to hear that! Thank you for your kindness, time and time again.

Thank you for your offer, I will remember that when I’m having a tough time. As long as you do the same!

Yes, he’s used to dealing with things on his own, and it saddens me. He finds it hard to let me in sometimes, and pushes me away. Not purposely, it is just his defence mechanism kicking in. I hope for the day he comes to realize I am not going to disappear if he relies on me. I want to be there for him, but can’t do so until he lets me.

Thank you for that encouragement! I’m trying hard to work on things, and he is, too. I know we can get there, but it will be a long, hard road. And worth it.

Awe, and the best to you as well! You’re so wonderful! Love and hugs to you! Take care!

 

Its a really nice book one of my favourites on the subject - being honest tho, I didn't read it - I downloaded it on Audible and tend to listen to it at night or moments in my day to help me focus, sometimes I listen to one chapter, then listen to another one later - hopefully its just another way to explore new ways of thinking and finding ways to help our own uniqueness!

The book is called 'Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age' by Robert Weiss - narrated on Audible very elegantly by Jennifer Schneider.
My one line review - This book is literally a full on therapy session, it explains a lot about digital novel types of porn including random hookups; and how the addiction fuels a loss of control in our life, which directly impact our family, work and maybe legal issues. The best part is the therapy, how we can get help to balance this part of our life out. The therapy is not easy - addiction is very difficult to break if one is not ready - but there is plenty of tips and advice to help us think about the long term consequences.

Just one more thing, I have two other favourite books (both on audible) which have helped me in this area:-

(i) Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame by George Collins
My one line review - I read this before Always Turned On, this book is like a full therapy session for sex addicts. It teaches strategies to help us identify the cons of the porn world, what is real and what isn't real, and also talks about the people in porn / sex world - sometimes it isn't all pretty as it makes out. But it isn't just porn focused, it also talks about sexual addiction as a mental stimulant and how we can try to find ways to minimise it. I would say it is a very important read for anyone seriously interested in controlling their ever aroused mind.

(ii) Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson (literally the Bible for modern day porn use).
My very short review - well it doesn't need a review does it? This book did wonders for me in my early days, I listened to at night time as I fell asleep during the most uncomfortable period. Gary Wilson explains through in depth studies why porn has hooked a new generation of online users, including kids exposed to it as young as 10 - as well as the older generation of men of all age groups. It clearly maps out what it does to our mind, our neurological pathways change during porn use.
The best part of this book is his approach to healing - When we stop porn - our brains return to normal! WE CAN ALL ACTUALLY HEAL! Literally the best of this book is his positive approach to stopping habitual use of porn. Also without this book - I wouldn't be here on NoFap writing this message ;-)

I appreciate you perhaps got more info than you need - but hopefully anyone else who reads this, please give these books a try it might help you out and be the next piece in the jigsaw to help with your healing.

Take care - hope u and ur bf are doing well

 

I really feel sorry for u,after going through ur story,sister.But i think now after joining nofap u gained a great sense of relief and courage and now u r changing ur name ,i can feel that.
I your story line i don't see God anywhere,i think that's were u went wrong.If u have God, there's always a last piece of hope even if everything goes against u.
My life was a mess.I got addicted to m so bad from the age of 12 and my marks were gradually failing and teachers told me that i won't pass my school.I was scoring 85% plus in all the subjects before this evil came into my life.And after that my marks gradually came to 6-30%.My parents pushed me to tuitions at the best centres,the end result ,used to cut the classes go to my friends house.Then my parents took me to priests and telling them to bless,that also didn't go well but at last there was a convention and the Priest leading the convention was a man with holy spirit.My parent brought me to him and on seeing me, he told my parents to wait outside and he told me to open the bible and i open it and he point out a verse in the same page.I don't remember the book name or chapter but the verse says that u think ur sin is seen by no one as u do in dark.He asked me have u been watching p.And i was shocked and he told me that God sees everything.He told me some advises and told me pray" lord have mercy on me a sinner 100" times and leaflet of prayer -everyday.I confessed And i recited the prayer every day and new spirit was into me .I felt peace which no were outside in world i would find.I would not look on girls or watch movie or music.Before and all i used to be in my own world during prayer time.It was difficult for me learn because my mind was always on lust but now i sleep only for 3-5hr a day then pray and study and obey my parents which were the most difficult thing for me.My family wherein shock because my transition.My grades went from 6-30% to 70-90% in one month.Praise God.And my life was going good and i loved to pray.Then after some period of time i sinned again and came back to my former addiction.But there's a constant fight going on in me, good vs evil.I changed a lot to say.Now i'm somewhat stable and love to grow in again in Christ.
U see now i'm unemployed and till now haven't had a love relationship.My age 25.Still i feel happy because there is always hope.I will definitely win the battle.The same me had hatred for myself and wanted to suicide,as i was a looser,Before knowing God's love.

May God lead u,lovely!!

 

Thank you so much for this! Also, for the book suggestions. That’s actually a good idea, and I might look into using Audible to listen to the books as well!

Your reviews on them, and how they’ve helped you is inspiring to hear! I have not heard of any of them, aside from Gary Wilson’s book. I have heard I of that in a speech, and Q&A session I watched on Youtube recently where the speakers mentioned the book and a bit about it as well. Im going to look into them, thank you!

It was a good amount of information, because i know it will help me, and I hope it will help others as well. I needed all of this, and I am ever so grateful for your suggestions, and that you took time to reply to me. Thank you!

We’re doing a bit better, and it’s been realty nice, I’m trying to stay positive! I hope you’re doing well, and everything is alright? Take care!

 

Thank you very much for your kind words, you are absolutely right. Joining nofap has really brought me hope and courage and helped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

The reason you don’t see god is I'm an atheist. I don’t believe in god. It’s a long story, but I grew up in a religious family, and it was forced on me as a child. It just wasn’t for me, if I’m being honest. But, I respect your belief and I hope we are able to still be friends regardless, as I have lost people in my life due to me not sharing their beliefs.

I’d like to say, coming from someone who should technically be dead after a few suicide attempts - I’m glad you’re alive. You are unique and important and I’m so glad you’re still here! I’m so sad to hear your story and I feel very much for you. I’m happy however to hear you’ve gotten closer to your goal of recovery, and it sounds like you have great, supportive parents. That’s always a huge thing.

I’m sorry to hear you’re unemployed, but I believe this isn’t it for you. I know thee is better out there for you. You’ll find a job, and you’ll find love. But, you have a good outlook on it, though. You will only find happiness within yourself, and looking for in a job or another person won’t bring you happiness. It’s great that you see that. It is a battle, but you’re string! Keep fighting! J believe In you!

 

keep it up,u r so nice to everyone and encouraging others in their struggles,U guys r a awesome.U will definitely have a bright future.positivity queen

"You will only find happiness within yourself"- wise quote but its the opposite here ,I find happiness seeing others and nature though am an introvert and i find sadness when i look into myself ,as i am an addict,good for nothing guy,a liability to my parents.When i go for a morning walk i observe the nature,trees provides oxygen,shade,shelter,food for many living things,birds singing,people working in the early morning when am leisurely walking and even the ant who works unstoppingly and i get the courage from them to do something and also u guys.

The atheist part, i don't blame u, because i too was like u.I wish ,one day u'll find the truth.
Wish u success!