Relearning Human: From cub to lion

No matter what...I have dominion over my mind. I declare martial law on it when it rebels and I bring that rebellion to a quiet. I am fortified because of my higher power. Thank God that I am where I'm at. Today was a spectacular day and the door to meaningful recovery has opened up. Letting go and letting God. Looking back on my last journal entry I was definitely feeling some type of way about Mrs. Famous and I am a bit shame to read where I was mentally yesterday. I didn't feel the urges last night(although the episodic recall was pervasive) but I shouldn't have brought my mind to the stage of irritation. Really there was no need for it. Perhaps because I am having a better day do I realize how fleeting that annoyance was; how insignificant it all was. Also being annoyed by a "friend" at the gym who is clearly insecure and holding a disdain for him in my heart only hurts me. One of my fellows shared that, "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I think he's right. How silly my petty trivialities are...and how frequent does my living self get in the way of trying to be a virtuous man. God help me...I can't do this s*** it's so unmanageable. Please take control and help me to be better from the inside out.

Got an interview that I have been praying for coming up. Now all I have to do is study and commit myself to preperation.

Tired as hell. Got two three meetings...dealt with some people at work. Taking time off after tomorrow noon

 

TO BE HONEST.....pissed off but very much sober. Thankful to my higher power for giving me a great day. There was a challenge which arose as a result of a shameful cyber criminal but will get to the bottom of it tomorrow. No point stressing about it tonight. For now I turn it over to my higher power.

Today I went after the day. I didn't run away like a coward. I faced all of the challenges it had to offer. I am fully in love with remaining hard at work despite the challenges. Also learning to find my voice and not be afraid to speak up or in opposite opinion against people. I'm not so concerned with offending people but this also isn't a permission slip to be a total d***. I simply tell people how it is, and in return I expect or would like them to do that as well. Of course my world doesn't fall apart when they can't do this...I simply accept them as they are.

Tomorrow I will continue to spend the entirety of the day preparing for the CyberSEC interview. Now I tire but I will not give up quite yet. I still would like to do a run through of the cards and definitions which I have created for myself. Also would like to work on my conveying skills.

Went to the gym and got my ass kicked on the Stairmaster at 2000 steps. Starting to accept that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That's just how it goes. Not sure why I bucked back against this law of physics so much in my life. Eat trash food = feel trash in the far future.

Also at the gym realized how much of a worshipper I was to women all because they had fat a****. Now I look at it as something just...there. It's not import and it's not unimportant. It has no dominion over me. I am able to conquer what my flesh calls to be of value in that moment.

Thinking of buying a training mask but scared of being "that guy" in the gym lol. Not really...I just don't want to spend the damn money. Maybe COVID can come and go so we can go back to being humans or not. Whatever the choice is idc. I have my God and my fellows. Nothing can stop me.

 

This is the only way to live. I must live earnestly.....I must be grounded in the spiritual and not the physical; constantly pursuing what really matters. There is only one thing that matters and that is living in accordance with my higher powers design. How easy life has gotten when I just surrender the day over to my higher. I accept and acknowledge my complete powerlessness against this disease if only temporarily. One day I hope to declare my strength and power over this not by my own authority but that invested in me by my higher power.

My attitude is coming along about myself. I have an attitude of focus and discipline and no longer an attitude of doubt and defeat. There is nothing that my higher power has not allowed me to do hence I have no fear. I finally stand on my two feet.

Studying for my Cyber interview. Has been going quite well. Not worried at all by the questions and I feel like my memory has improved immensely allowing me to retain the understanding of cyber security concepts.

Went to the gym today on a whole different energy. Feels amazing to be revived and have my energy centered within myself and not displaced.
Approached a pretty attractive girl today but unfortunately she has a boyfriend...that was a bit disappointing but what are ya gonna do? The good ones are getting picked up and there's nothing you can do about that. Still even when she told me, there was this surprising realization that I could still be friendly and without objectification. Perhaps because she was really chill. I like that about her but being a homewrecker isn't in the design of my higher power. I shall not defy.

Now I'm back working on learning and reciting this Cyber Security and will be doing it for the remainder of the day. Probably going to break soon.

God is great. There is no greater truth.

Some things to work on:
Going beyond what is asked
Reading spiritual readings
Facing the challenge head on

 

Feeling so good over today. It's already so that I have the victory over all trials in the day. Not from my own volition but because God has painted and granted the victory. I used to be lost in the middle but God found me. I am so thankful and so blessed to have the opportunity to showcase my almighty work. More than anything God is my savior, provider, and giver. Any time I am in want or think I am without the almighty provides what is missing. I use to ask the LORD for riches of the physical but now I pray that the LORD can grant me riches of the heart. It is the only true way to be rich in this lifetime. God thank you for making me again! I thought it was over and I was down for the count but you showed me how I can be a better human each and every day. I still fall short however....and I stumble and make mistakes like an infant waddling for it's first time but I have the heart of a lion. There is nothing that you have not prepared me for. The weapon may form against me but it will not prosper...no it cannot prosper.

I used to think...why does God want me to be perfect!??! Now I know that was never true since I am far from perfect. I am solidified in the foundation of excellence and strength yet I am farrrrrr from perfect. I see them instead of beautiful moments of imperfections. Learning lessons to be taken from them. Thank God for life and breath. I. Can. Overcome.

 

Back and I'm so much better! Thankful for overcoming this check point in recovery. All praise due to the most high.

Kicked off the day leading a morning meditation and another recovery meeting. The shares surround the clarity one receives from working the program honestly and achieving this kind of superior cognitive output. I feel just refreshed and alive that people in their 90-120 days could also affirm this feeling so that I wasn't suffering to some kind of "noFap placebo"

Got back from the gym after crushing it with a buddy of mine who also is in the program. We hit a back day and it was pretty good session. Was surprised by his ability to keep going and not complain. I need more bros like him.

Have been doing well for edging these past days but I will be honest and admit that I was doing quite a bit of edging in the gym. Started with one girl giving me "pick me" eyes. That's how it always starts for me. I get a bit of validation from girls who I prefer and my mind goes into warp edging mode. Well take this to my HP's throne and surrender this again. Although a bit down to reset my edging I am finding lessons in it. I must continue to turn over the defects that this addiction has brought over to God almighty.

Will be studying a bit more of cyber security concepts after crushing the phone interview portion yesterday. Also plan on reading a bit of The Power of Now. Want to keep my mind active and sharp in the next hours until some more recovery meetings.

 

Glory hallelujah. I am alive and restored for another day of battle. Should I perish in it, I will not despair since a chariot is coming to sweep my lifeless vessel into the spiritual realm to be remade into its purest form. Amen.

EDIT EVENING:

Ohhhhh boy did we learn a lesson today. A VERY powerful lesson. It pays to be a winner.

Kicked off the day excellent with prayer, meditation readings. Unfortunately my day began to collapse once I went to the gym.

First off, I edged but that's a given. Have already submitted it to my higher power but I suppose this is what happens when a man has been STARVED for this long. I don't want to be like that starved lion...I want to eat my fill. I am actually living in contrary with this and it is killing me. Not to say that I should be turning my focus into sleeping with women but the process of having healthy relationships with women has yet to be acquired and I know it. It's eating me up inside and I can't stand it. The only way I think I can cannot with women is in a sexual way and it stems entirely from my broken thought process of seeing them as pleasure meat. I have got to step out of this and master seduction in my own right. God has literally given me all the physical attributes that make women generally fawn over me. Chiseled face, height, bodybuilder frame, d*** and for SOME reason I think that matters more than the masculinity factor. I am incorrect and have been incorrect for as long as I lived. It's time to wake up and do the right thing.

I'll do the right thing. I'll start working on myself day in and day out. I'll wake up at 5am and plan to go to the gym early. What I need it to cultivate discipline, grit, and repetition.
Additionally I have to step away from thinkin that my friend is ever going to develop an interest in approaching women....he isn't. Nor can I make him approach women. It is impossible for a man to drag a stalion of strength and virility to the pond to drink it must come to it of it's own will. So long have I kept him around me in an effort for me to raise him up to be a lion. How arrogant of me. I have done this with all my friends. My closest friend I have even come to have some distaste when I hear him speak in a way that is centralized around not getting better. This is not me assuming that I am better but rather the resentment I feel towards myself for not acknowledging that we are in fact now different people. There used to be a point where our paths crossed but now there seems to be this...feeling of hesitation to be around them. Do I really have to live by myself? More than anything I want to attract a tribe of men. Stone cold warriors and nothing else. I feel like I am constantly giving...and fixing but really I require to be given and fixed myself-- just a small fraction. The good guy in me is struggling with keeping these boys around me or waiting for them to go on their own journey of self-acceptance. So far I only see stagnation and regression but perhaps that's just he way of of life and really I can do nothing about it.

Any way back to the gorgeous girl I failed to approach. She gave me signals to approach and it was a for sure sell but my mind would not permit my body to move forward. I had sexualized her...and given her power in my head. A nasty defect as a result of porn addiction. The entire time as we were from across each other I expected her to have said something. I felt awkward and out of place. All because she had a fat ass. That's what made me quiet the roar that typically comes from within me but after today...no longer will I falter. Not in this way. There is a different destiny for a man like me and it is governed by God almighty. I won't break and fold in this way again. It's funny...I took a cold shower and I always whimper and hesitate 1-2 seconds before I pour it on myself. In those 1-2 seconds....it is imperative. Once such a flinch or timid disposition generates it is that much more difficult in the face of the stimuli to perform whatever action one knows needs to be performed. No more flinching or hesitation.

It's about getting better regardless of the outcome and finding men who think the same. That can bash be over the head when I think otherwise.

 

Each and every day is an opportunity to get better. I surrender the control factor my higher power and listen to the almighty's voice. When I think I have a better design I quiet my earthly mind so I can experience no mind. I turn to the spiritual father for a spiritual solution to a spiritual problem. I accept that my defects are many but this doesn't not make me a lesser man. I command my soul to bend in a direction that favors the laws of virtue. More than anything I submit before the almighty and ask God to make me whole.

Learning now to edge is wonderful. I went to the gym early this moment and did not have any intrusive sexual thoughts of women besides general attraction. I have to be honest and admit that I know when I am obsessing and I also know when I am simply attracted to women. Apparently, I keep talking to women who have boyfriends lol or allegedly. Whatever it may be I concentrate on getting better and using each victory/defeat in my interaction with them as a stepping stone to learn about myself.

Woke up 5AM and got an awesome cardio workout in. I love waking up early to workout as it forces me to center the mind. I had my two protein shakes this morning and probably will have something later depending on how I am feeling. Finding that it is all so vital...that I keep my mind centered around being healthy and desiring to do it. I no longer wish to maintain- I either do or don't do and reap the rewards of that decision.

Got off my Monday group call. Was wonderful. Topic concentrated on resentment and what I plan to do about it. I said I resent not being the man and that once I make the conscious decision to be a man I will have no more qualms over what I should do in life. A man under the governance of God is all I need I believe.

Have a bit of a busy day. Will be limiting the amount of time I spend on meetings and focusing on being productive. Need to be engaged in my current job and focus on the upcoming 3rd round interview.

Moving away from running from my sexuality and having a more concentrated approach to using it to accomplish my goals. When I feel sexually charged I fear not not...since I know it is not here to punish me in contrary, it is here form me to utilize and master.

Looking into a few hobbies where I can meet men of stature and masculinity. Going forth not with this energy that I want to be accepted but that I accept myself so whatever comes as a result of that is to be expected. Moving away from relationships that ultimately are not making me better...as depressing as it sounds. Some might think I am being fake and cold but really there is no point in contracting friendship with them since I am unable to help them or they cannot help me. Ultimately this life requires men of stature to be on the front lines; it isn't for boys aspiring to be men one day. It is the conscious decision that each and every day is a committed effort to being the best self. Not much matters after that and the spoils of improvement are bound to follow that.

Might be back to edit.

 

Wow. What a surprise to have such a vivid and grotesque nocturnal emission last night. It felt so real..like I was right there. I could not believe the feeling of it. It was almost like I was begging my body not to take the direction it was going to take. Can't believe one of them was involving my ex. I woke up feeling so unclean and feeling a particular kind of unclean. I have to remember that I am not my mind. My thoughts although they attempt to seize control back from my spiritual mind, cannot compel me to do or identify with them. I felt comfort knowing that I am stepping beyond this false imperative of learned helplessness.

Made myself correct by saying a prayer and aligning my heart with what actually matters which is prayer. I must get my heart what is important even when my mind wants to distract it with false ideologies.

Been meaning to reset my edging sobriety and so I did that today. Last night I was edging pretty hard as well and experiencing these moments of lust. Perhaps this is what triggered it. No....it was more of my hesitation I had with the slender beauty I saw at the gym but didn't approach. Instead if manifested itself in a false reality. I think I went home last night a little lonely after seeing so many girls at the gym take interest in me but I cannot within my heart declare that there is a health interest...it is only sexual. I don't think this could be bad but...what would my higher power think? I think I'm getting caught into this spirituality loop of what I should do and if it is okay to feel these feelings. Some days these thoughts are more pronounced than others but on other days they are not at all.

Anyways...I'll leave those concerns here. Starting to go through the material that will actually help me build power as a man. Feeling satisfied with getting better and being better. All praise be due to my higher power. These emissions that come when I sleep are nothing to me and my God. They cannot bend of break me.

Sheesh...as the more days of sobriety passes by I have this character that comes to the surface and wishes to get to know women again except this time really appreciate them for all they are. Being armed with the mental fortitude to withstand their presence and not buckling under their beauty like a little b****. Going to start working on talking to more females despite the outcome. I'm out of my head and I know I am because I can at least confront this aloud. Again I express that is pays to be a winner and a man who doesn't hesitate. Now when I enter into the shower to poor the ice cold water I do it immediately- not hesitating for another moments worth and eventually I come out of it stronger than I ever planned to.

I turn my objective towards loving myself first and accepting all of the defects that may arise within the process.

 

Thanking God for another day of victory. Who else could have brought me this far. Only God almighty. My mind is refined in the fire of his mercy and grace. There is nothing that is impossible with God by my side. Amen.

Having a good day. Woke up at 5am for a workout and my friend did the same thing. I am underestimating the time I need to go to sleep each day if I do wish to be productive. I honestly cannot believe I am this tired today. Have to be careful...need to prioritize the program even on day I am not feeling particularly vulnerable...I still have to be on my Ps and Qs.

A bit productive...still waiting for the Cyber Security position to get back to me. Feeling a little concerned with the amount of time I have to wait to get a response but I have determined to leave it up to God and move away from my own solution. If God can grant me freedom from the compulsion to act out and the ability to make the right decisions then there is nothing on this green earth that he can't do on a divine level. Full surrender is so rewarding.

Not too much to check in. Need to catch up on planning the day. Need to make going to sleep on time a habit if I wish to go to the gym fully energized. Did a decent amount of edging today. Need to be careful....had to reset this morning. Getting better...and more grounded in the present and getting in control of what I can control. Excited for a possible 60 days....I'm excited like a kid on Christmas.

Talked to a fellow for some time about recovery and just dating in recovery. Think on day 60 I'll try something out with the dating application hinge. I've tried it in the past but will do it once more
in the right way...if there is a right way. Who knows....man. We'll have to see how I respond to the stimuli/women on those applications. Hinge is a bit more serious and for people who wish to have cool conversations and also be intimate it seems. Seems I can use most of that but will only know how I am going to respond on day 60. I might even abandon it altogether but who knows.

No longer when I am bored...angry...sad...disappointed do I have these urges to look at pornography. Thank God for what I considered impossible before 2021 happened. Looking forward to another 24 hours and doing what is necessary to have sobriety.

 

Feels good to be sober. Thankful to my higher power and all glory be to God for having these days of sobriety over my head.

Had a bizarre dream last night that spooked me and for the first time sent me into this thinking place for a long time. Just sat and listened to some loFi beats and it put me in a real relaxing mood. Also learned a new song called blue moon which is going into my outer circle songs for when I am feeling stressed, anxious, irritated.

Really enjoying Rollo Tomassi's book The Rationale Male and not necessarily taking everything as a face value but also considering that a lot of his gender dynamic arguments are sound and observable.

When I was watching porn there is no chance I could have ever digested the material of the book. Furthermore...I was studying for my Cyber Security exams last night as well...despite being so tired. I've found that resilience really is a familiar and feasible thing now. It isn't so confounding now that I have meaningful sobriety under my belt.

Had a co-worker try and give me shit because I wasn't getting a simple concept. Usually it would make me resent him but I just stored it for future data and took it on the chin. I'm glad I didn't let it lead me to a relapse.

Edging is getting better. The compulsion is down...to some degree but I still am going to reset. I think it's safe to assume that anytime I look at a girl's ass more than 3 times I am edging so I will keep myself honest. Will keep committing it to prayer and not expect an overnight change.

Have given up trying to have fellowship with S. Women in across fellowships. They're more harm than good and honestly a burden. They have different objectives than the men in the program. I accept and realize that.

Have two more women I need to approach for this week and might conclude the night with Rollo's book.

A good day and thankful that I'll see another one God willing.

 

Not a single day going by that I don't thank my higher power for putting me where I am. All praise due to the most high.\

Ahhhh let's see...what's to be said today. Had another somewhat bizarre dream but it's not the end of the world. Feeling pretty optimistic and on top of the priorities I have today. Woke up to the frantic emails of individuals asking me about pending items on their end. It's funny how people make their own problems your own but I guess I am guilty of doing that also when I was acting out.

Getting back to the Cyber Security tonight. Regardless of anything...this is what I want to do and nothing and I mean nothing is going to stop me from achieving it. They may delay it but it has already been in the design of my higher power. I am feeling that unexplained confidence like I have in the past when I put my trust in God. Now I just have to do my part...so that's what I'll do- my part. I've done my part for recovery and God has done God's part in supplying me with the energy to sustain the moment necessary to have meaningful sobriety.

I'm feeling pretty good man. Have some dependencies to work out throughout the day but it's the end of week and I am coming up on Friday so that feels pretty good to think about. Hahaha...I never thought my life would be the way it is. I'm so thankful for 1,000 chances and the 1,000 battles that came with it. I surrender my ego against the fight in this addiction.

Although not plagued by the crux of pornography...there still is this feeling of annoyance when my brain attempts to edge at the gym I frequent. It's getting better but there is this resistance.
Moving towards this not giving a f*** attitude anymore. People will disappoint you, friends will annoy you, employers will lie to you...it's all too much. It's much easier to file it under the "give no f***" category. So that's what I'll do. Only care when it applies to treating people kindly and living in a pure virtue.

May start trying to date when I hit 60 days...or 90. Not too sure yet. We'll see. Overall I feel pretty good hopping on the data applications not looking for anything other than cool relationships with girls. However, as soon as my mind starts to grow frustrated with the circumstances on it I have vowed to uninstall it permanently and accept that as feedback that I may not be quite ready. I shouldn't be frustrated but accepting of the fact. I believe I will respond well when this time comes...but we'll see.

Past days I have been thinking about old lovers...potential suitors that have turned stale because of my own inability to stop being such as sex crazed desperate s***. Thankful that it's not like that anymore. I desire relations with attractive women but honestly it isn't the end of the world if I can't have this like it used to be. I used to have these moments of intense and deep resentment for them. In fact I even changed their name in my phone to something offensive like, "Funky b***". Hahaha...it's much better to laugh at the madness sometimes than let it swallow you.
Will go to the gym later and hit a nice leg session, mixed in with cardio and core. Want to start concentrating around core workouts.

 

Feels good to be sober. God almighty at work forever.

Not much to report. Killed a good workout with my friend.

Debating doing work or not this Saturday. Might consider it but we'll see.

 

Good to be sober. Feels good to be damn sober. God is great.

Pretty chill weekend. I honestly can't believe how fast it went. It makes me a bit sad how much time we have as humans to enjoy our lives. 40 hours+ is spent fulfilling someone else's ambitions. That bothers me to a very high degree. Not sure what I'm going to do to alter this fact but as LORD has it, I'll have to do something. The security blanket that a steady check offers is insane. It's like they've set life up to be either a worker or a bum. If you end up being a worker you live a restricted life. If you live on the streets you live a free life. It's quite a paradox really.

Have been crushing committing to healthy eating, lifting. It's showing all over my body. Feeling a bit disappointed because I let myself grow weaker due to excessive cardio. Have to be really careful about ruining my strength gains.
A girl I approached some weeks ago...had a boyfriend. I ended up still getting her number but decided it isn't worth maintaining a platonic relationship when I'm this far along monk mode. Today I saw her eyes fixed on me in a way that matched desire and admiration. Women can be funny like that. I kept it pushing.

Having these thoughts of regrets that my best friend came back to stay. Not that I don't like him but we seem to be walking a different path. Him and my other friend seem to be in the same category...there just is no fixing a man against his will. A man who has deep afflictions is unaware of how much of a jagged knife he is to others. I used to be this way and it drove people away. Also don't want to go back to investing energy outside of masculine camaraderie. I just don't think I have enough fuel these days to sustain us both.

Finally adopting this abundance mentality...the ultimate abundance that I'm enough on my own, with people, or without. God provides me this abundance framework to live and be governed by.

 

God is good. Grateful to be celebrating 60 days. Kicked off my morning with my morning international meeting.

This month is the month of overcoming. I will not claim to approach 90 days without working a meaningful day. What is important to one? Having days of noFap or sobriety or having days of actual living? I think i'll opt for actual living.

There are some things that I will be killing this month.

Irrational fear
Resentment and fear of reoccurring embarrassment
Anger and spitefulness towards a group of people, types of people, and failed romances.
The holding on of a relationship that isn't being cultivated and is fueled more by negative attributes than positive
Fear of failing after taking a chance outside the comfort zone
Fear of underperforming and not being enough for a task
Fear imposed by the fear of others
Scarcity mindset; the fear of not having enough.
Overall this is the month of facing every single fear in every single capacity and asking myself each and every day how did I overcome some kind of fear/discomfort? The result isn't what matters in these scenarios but how I resolved in my heart to do this.

A book I've been reading has been helping me. I believe if I do 5% each day which is about 25 pages each day I will move closer to digesting and finishing it.

Lately I have been feeling especially aroused and drowned in fantasy. I am not relying on myself to control these thoughts since that is by my design and typically leads to me relapsing. Instead I turn to my higher power for the design and the control.

This month also kicks off DEALING WITH EDGING....sheesh. Edging has been the killer of my confidence but it has gotten immensely better in the past sixty days that have elapsed. Every time I see a hot girl my mind warps right into this sub servant freaking beta. Where does that come from? Wtf...it can't be from inside me. If so...it has to die. There is no excuses by any means for me to behaving like this. This month will be a month of hard decision and breakthrough. It's time to make a decision and adhere to it. It's time to make a decision under the governance of God and disregard the noise that is often an obstacle. I declare martial law ony my mind so that I can tell it what do what it wants to do. I shake off all those who hinder me from accomplishing this mastery.

Finally...I move away from excuses. I move away from failure to recognize that my excuses are a blanket to avoid fear and persecution. I will write it down if I have to.

"All growth and fortitude comes from overcoming trial, adversity, and persecution of the voices who fail to have any fortitude at all"

 

I said it yesterday and I'll say it today. Glory be to God and thankful for breath.

Not much to be said. Just a whole lot of typical work.

Had a bit of what I coined lustful annoyance yesterday. I got lustful after being annoyed. Today I accept that I have these chinks in my armor and I ground myself to work on them. When I get angered or annoyed I allow control and power for my enemies / tormenter. So I move away from this spirit...and embrace all that was done against me. I live in the present and accept whatever comes of it-- to a degree lol.

It's a new month which means it's a new month for opportunity and overcome my fears. If I don't overcome this fear I will not count this month of sobriety. I will do what's uncomfortable.

Starting to exit outside the noise loop. A lot of people make noise...to parse it all is either going to be a waste of time or a waste of energy which can be invested.
Know who you are, know what you do, and know why you do.

This is the the month of making a vision yours and cutting out the noise of those who like to talk. There are talkers and there are doers. Often I talked I wanted to be away from PMO addiction but now I do...and I come to the feet of the most high each day no matter what either consciously and unconsciously.

This month is the art of building the man and finding out what I want for my world not the worlds world's.

I'm bringing the axe out this month for people who aren't elevating because I accept that it is no longer my duty to attempt to elevate. I used to think I have elevated people...how are arrogant and naive of me. Only the most high cant elevate one out of their circumstance/character.

 

Glory be to God. Demons might rise against me both mentally and spiritually but I will not falter. There is nothing I cannot accomplish..I cannot fail.

Feeling very angry today...very irritable. It's funny after listening to The 7 deadly sins on history channel and covering the Anger chapter here I am...angry.

My speech has been very scornful today. I should have hopped on a meeting for about the 3rd time today early this afternoon but I did not. I will go to one in 13 minutes although I planned not to.

I find it how people will always disappoint you in life. Don't try and change this fact. I am listening to a YouTube video now funny how this applies
"Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are anger and courage. Anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain as they are."
- Saint Augustine

Wow....God delivers truly in time. I feel serenity reading and typing that. It's okay...I might be down bad today but not forever. My trials are temporary and I rejoice for the next day that I have an opportunity to overcome the trials that seemed impossible today.

No pain can last forever. It must subside.

Learning to roar against the unpleasantness of it all.

 

Still here and still led by the grace of God. Never in a panic or disorder...now. I have this serenity about me that people cannot mistake.
Had a productive day for the most part. I got a little lazy in between the hours but I wrapped it up pretty decently. Pay day tomorrow! So that feels pretty cool.
Have started back up on dating applications. Will be monitoring my response to them over these thirty days but it's about that time I have to start getting familiar and practicing conversation with females. However I will be honest with myself and admit when I am going down the lustful path. So far I haven't overused it. I have realized it's terrific in building resilience when you do get a match and you feel compelled to check who it is. Instead I wait and ask myself, "What's the hurry?" Oh she has a fat a**, "What's the hurry?" the mind must be trained and conditioned in the face of stimuli I believe. However...I respect and ask the almighty not to let my heart by invaded by lustful thought and banter with these women.

Went to the gym and crushed a good back day along with HIIT and cardio. Crazy how my physique is responding to the training along with the better and consistent dieting. Finding it a lot easier to maintain good nutritional balance throughout the day.

When I as at the gym my mind was craving a particular girls validation of course she was my type and I was trying to see if she was looking my way so badly. Funny...I don't give a crap when it's some cute/regular girl but when it's beautiful to gorgeous I tend to lose my top. Will be training this over the course of this month. Also a mental note that a lot of these beautiful girls love to wear make-up to the gym. My old self would exploit this....but now that I choose a healthy sexual strategy I'm left to improv.

Hmm...think I'll read a bit after looking at these matches on the dating application. Want to see who the prospects are lol! Well...I'm not taking it all too seriously. For the most part I wish to give myself an abundance mindset as it pertains to my options with women. I also wish to refine my strategy when dealing with them. One thing I am noticing in my exchanges with one so far is that I just don't give a s*** anymore. I used to think, "What if I lose her??!!?" Now I ask, "So what if I lose her?". It would be her loss and my benefit since I can now move on to another prospect who desires me. We want genuine desire...that's the only solution to dealing with women. Cultivate genuine desire. Disqualify those who don't display it after a period of time. Resist the flesh when it tries to turn you into a swipe whore.

On a meeting. Good way to conclude the night. Haven't made a ton of outreaches in comparison to last week and missed by buddies call. I have to reschedule with him lest it seems like I blew him off.

 

Pretty good day. Glory to the most high as per usual.

Not much to say on this one just wanted to get it in and not make excuses. Feeling hopeful for the weekend and need to invest a lot of thought into what I want to do this weekend. It will be very interesting to figure what I should be doing this weekend.

Also need to start approaching some women after this week to build my natural comfort around them. Will start by having a platonic conversation with one tomorrow instead of trying to flirt flirt flirt my way through the conversation.

Need to pick up my reading if I am to hit my goal of reading The Rationale Male by the end of the month.

For tonight I will relax a bit while also planning. Not spending too much time on the dating application. Thinking of only keeping one and deactivating the rest. Not too happy with the choice on one of them. In fact going to deactivate right now.

Weird lady from the S. Program asking me if I've stopped talking to her after she inappropriately divulged some past information to me that I wasn't too fond to read. Perhaps one day I'll pick her back up but as of now- I'm cool.

Also cool with just a lot of things. It's odd how at peace I feel with just accepting things that happen. My anxiety is lowering little by little each day.

 

Still here....still sober by the grace of the Lord almighty.

Told a few lies today some...in situations that didn't require it at all. The most I have told in the past sixty days. Really bad habit...have to be careful.

Developing a natural comfort around people. Not caring for their response. A bit hurried to hear a response that fits my expectation. Have to relax on these dating applications...getting annoyed on them. Considering throwing them out altogether after this week. Mostly it's the pick of the litter on them...bunch of whales. Speak of the devil...little birdy just messaged me on it. She's 19. I'm 24. Fuck she's young.

Had a pretty good day at the gym....did a lot of filming. Got momentarily annoyed with some dude trying to "coach" my squat. At least that's how I felt like he was coming. He was kind of right and also kind of right in what he was explaining. Think more than anything he just wanted to hear himself talk so gave him that grace. Was surprised by the amount of resilience I displayed in listening to him. I find it odd how people who have undeveloped muscles and have no history of your current or prior injuries always have a ton of advice to give it's super imposing and domineering but I guess they won't see it that way nor do they want to because then it would potentially invalidate them. Who knows though- that's between them and God.

Going to end this night with a midnight meeting. We'll see. Don't want to encounter Mrs. Crazy...

 

Still here getting it in early. Praise God almighty.

Had a wet dream last night: That was pretty invasive but what are you gonna do.

Hopped on a meeting right after to correct those feelings. Feeling pretty good right about now. Ate some good breakfast and planning to go to the gym to film some more. Thinking of doing an arm day video.