Relearning Human: From cub to lion

Still sober. Can't complain.

Had a productive and awesome outreach call with my friend. Touched on a couple important topics.

Spiritual check, mental check, health check. Plan on going to the gym later and getting it in. Need to get back to reading daily and general productivity could stem to increase.

Resolving to delete one of the two dating applications. Not sure which but I'll make up my mind by the end of the week. Can't use it obsessively and expect to remain productive.

Really need to grind out these training programs and start playing around in video software. Much of my meetings have been pushed out the way so I it's only myself at this point that's getting in my way. Just like everything in life. I need to start cutting up my day accordingly and stop playing around.

I have big goals and aspirations but I cannot ever hope to accomplish it if I abandon God and go by my design only. Hard works X GOD = lasting greatness. Time to regain that spirit...this week. Looking forward to all that the week has to offer.

 

How Silly of me to miss a day yesterday and now giving a journal 4 minutes to midnight the next day. I will not make this a habit.

Bit of a productive day. Can't believe these weeks are just flying through...damn. It's insane how life went these past 2 years. All I can think about is the accumulation in those two years and God's mighty ABILITY to calm the insanity that comes with that accumulation.

Went to the gym. Got a pretty good workout in. Was tempted by two attractive girls who were clearly feeling me but my laser focus was activated in an effort to complete me workouts.

Not focused on people who I know I can't change. Don't care too much for them at all. Starting to embrace the people who have genuine hearts and reject the ones that don't.

I am finally building the power necessary to overcome my mind. I would like to start approaching girls I find attractive.

 

Glory be to God. Finally back to how I started... thankful to be celebrating 70 days.

You know...after just getting like the 30th denial letter from a job I applied for 3 months ago, I realized that life is full of failure, disappointment, and regret but its damn worth it

 

Denied from the cyber security job today but it's still glory be to God. The almighty has a plan that no man can stop- including myself.

Had a pretty productive day at work and also in recovery. I am finally back to my daily readings and so is my partner in recovery. There is nothing more necessary that being told no in life. You can't avoid it. It is an essential ingredient in the growth factor. It is important to grow comfortable with the uncomfortable.

My edging is slowly dying down. Girls that I see in the past in skin clad clothing aren't invading my mind anymore. Instead there is great peace when I am amongst them. Foreign and new women still tug at my heart strings but I do not falter. I do not wonder...I only resolve to grow even more concentrated. I love what David Goggin's said in his affirmation. I harden my mind and train it to be tougher than it once was. There is no fight I am not prepared for...not enemy or temptation the almighty has not prepared for me to deal with.

I need to develop a plan. How do I want my life to look like? Do I just sit down and accept or do I come to the natural agreement that God has deprived me of an opportunity because I must go in search for my purpose. How much longer do I wait for action. No....I will do what is hard and I will sacrifice what is necessary.

Going to dive into a lot of film editing this weekend. I really need to build a following and begin marketing my personal training services. I believe this is my true calling. My mind can only focus on building the doors of the palace not the people who will inhabit it when it's eventually built. My mind is trained in this regard.

This weekend I'll play around with my camera and tri-pod and if possibly conduct some early filming at my local gym. Hopefully it isn't too packed and I get some decent shots without people messing up the shot.

Oh also got my ears pierced today because- f*** it. You can only live once and dammit I choose to live it this way.

 

Imagine that...I'm on Day 73 somehow. Life has taken a bit of an interesting turn for sure. I am grateful and forever indebted to the most high--God almighty. I am also holding on to the belief that it is possible that I can make this a lifestyle forever. There is nothing that should remove me from my placing by God. So long as I maintain a need for humility and guidance I can never go astray. I go astray when I think I can do it better than God but the truth is I can't.

Went to the gym and got a ton of footage captured. There were a ton of people so hopefully there aren't too many people next time...but I doubt it. I really am going to have to invest in some kind of of small change but to where is the good question. I should get busy and stop saying I'm going to do it and just do it. There are 3 girls at the gym who I have learned to disdain 1 who I complimented in the past because I thought she was pretty and another who I pressed pretty heavy to sleep with. The same girl I came off kind of pushy too back when I was relapsing and resetting my clock on ends. It's crazy. I had such a resentment towards her when I was in the vortex of addiction but after the trials I've faced in these past 73 days I'm not too concerned with her or anyone for that matter. I am so purpose and goal driven within the day it's literally becoming better than any sex I've ever had in my life. The short lived pleasure of my best orgasm can not stand side by side to the pleasure and satisfaction I derive from concentrating on my own efforts.

Youtube is pending...but so is my understanding of improving strength and conditioning. Not only to we wish to be strong but we want to perfect the methodologies of conditioning as it relates to it. I've been using Instagram to advertise my workouts and have not been on it obsessively nor do I have a need to be on it obsessively like I used to. I get on, post, get off. Back to my purpose. Life is more sensible sober that's for sure.

Did a lot better in terms of edging but I think generally I might have to reset....my mind just jumped to sex for some reason when I typed that. Yeah definite reset. Haven't attended any meetings today but will attend one either towards the midnight or before it.

Back to purpose.

Hmm....I need to start reading again.

 

Man it feels good to take on the day regardless of the outcome. Regardless of the situation...there is no doubt in my heart because the almighty is always with me. I feel incredible and productive today ready to take on another week. It truly is a blessing by God almighty that I can live this kind of life.

Had a pretty bad S. Dream for possibly the 10th time this year already. It left me a bit bewildered but overall I am not taken by them any more. I am reminded that each and every form of temptation is temporary and has been a temporary. I feel confident in my ability to win over the "voices" that try to urge me to be my worst self. I am not prideful but instead capable and that is due to no other than the most high.

Went to the gym and got some good film work in. I feel pretty good about that but my legs are dead haha. I also have completed my hypertrophy program and I am thinking of creating the size and strength plan sometime tomorrow.

Tomorrows the old man's birthday. Feel pretty great about that as well. I am many days sober and I get to celebrate his birthday as such. There is no desire to try and put on a front...I am enough.

Planning for tomorrows filming efforts and more. I am on a mission to reinvent myself with the wisdom and guidance of my higher power. No more concentrating of what I can't control, instead I get control of what I must control.

 

Feels good to be close to the goal. Have to keep the mind sharp and the goal focus...which is remaining humbled day in and day out. Have to keep my mind off the old things and my mind on the new things. On a quest to be high value...and nothing is going to stop me. I can have it as long as I work on it with my higher power. Moving away from the victim mentality. The time for action is now. 1. God 2. Purpose 3. Me. 4. Everything else. As my mind starts to sharpen- like a sword...I grow discplined.....ready. There is no task which the almighty has not prepared me for. Resetting my edging today...and shopping for another gym to sign up for. This is getting insane having to be amongst the typical and average. Actually it's starting to raise my blood pressure...quite honestly to be around these people. Also my mind tends to wander and objectify women time to time. Not as much but still a decent amount. I will be honest and reset my edging but more importantly I will acknowledge that I must return to sharpening my will in the face of temptation, adversity, and trial. Amen.

 

Missed yesterday. Still sober thank the almighty.

Not much to say except that I'm getting after it. Cannot complain.

 

Haha holy molly. Missed since Wednesday. I guess I'm not as committed these days but perhaps it's a good problem. Making an effort to live as one really wants to live. It's not easy...I feel like I'm going through these different phases in life. In a social way, emotional way, spiritual way, etc. It's weird...going through these motions and seeing the change...dealing with the change. On Friday I was so mad and pissed off with the new guy who assumed leadership at my workplace; he's an a**hole and I let him get to me. Really I let me get to me.,.more than anything. I should have expected this though. To be afflicted by worry and concern daily because I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing. These past days I've spent just turning into myself...and learning more about myself. I'm not so easily enraged at the little things but the things that effect me ego are hard to let go of. For example, my friend giving me directions but I'm not thinking while driving or that girl who didn't bother to text me back. She most likely gave the wrong number just so I could go away. Who knows. Well. Regardless, I shouldn't be bothered too much but the truth is I am by these things. The better news is that I am learning to care less and respond in an irrational and erratic way each time.

Edging is still a big deal for me. I can't seem to stop edging at the gym and objectifying girls ass's. Had a conversation about it with a few fellows in the program and it's nice having someone to talk to about it but now I must do something about it. Not sure how I'll get around doing something.
Met up with a friend...had a bit of a disconnect with him. I've known him for a long time. Feels like we are still close but yet so distant. AS his life complicates so does our relationship as good friends. I can feel he thinks that I think I am on a better bath than him just because of the decisions he makes. I can tell the insecurity of his path is eating him up and he doesn't care much for facing the truth. Just arriving at it at his own pace which is fine. The truth wasn't forced down my throat either.

Need to get back to God...as 90 days approaches. I need to get back. My lust is starting to fight me tooth and nail but one creator that has had my back through and through is the almighty. No matter where I go...and the challenges I face as long as I put God first I cannot fail.

 

I guess it is day 83. Who would have thought. Starting to use this less and less. I think after I hit 90 days I might abandon this completely as I am realizing how much time is required to sustain continuous return to these journal entries. Also realizing that I should take some details offline. I will hit my 90 days and go on to lead a life governed by God almighty.

Things are challenging, there are trials and aversity but I will never bend or fold in front of them. I am able to stand up for myself. The anxiety and worry on every day interaction is very minimal. I owe that all to my higher power and God almighty. I will have to pray after this.

Starting to do more and speak less. I don't want to talk too much even on here. I am becoming that quiet lion finally. I never thought I could be.

 

Glory be to God on this good day I am still sober. Finally living my life and working my purpose. No more concern and broken dreams to chase. Really I am on Day 94...from P,D,A, S. Thankful for it. Less to say and more to do. Apologies for missing Jeff.

 

Still here....and still sober. Having a bit of a silent day today and practicing some laws out the 48 Laws of Power. I think it is crucial I take notes on it this time around. It's insane how each time I read that book I gain a different understanding of self.

For the most part I am learning to appreciate silence and appreciate solitude. Not only am I gaining a better understanding of self but also a better understanding of my past actions. Some mistakes...some successes.

One thing I am noticing from this solitude is that I am gaining a peace and acceptance of where I'll end up in life. Admitting that I don't have all the answers is perhaps the most relieving thing of all time. Expecting that I should have all the correct answers is perhaps the most unmanageable thing of all time to engage in.

Have my day planned out and will continue to practice Law 3.

 

Oh boy....

First off. Thank God I'm still sober.

Living half-assed is such an exhausting front to put on. I decided to take some time of noFap. Then so decided to take some time off being of service to my local fellowship groups. Then I took some time off entirely from the fellowship groups. Suddenly I'm feeling the effects of this. Surprise?! Not even close. Expected? Totally. Suddenly I'm taking days off with prayer. It's a new month but my 90 days has me thinking I made it. That I'm enough. It's not enough and the grind doesn't stop. When you stop those dead things begin to stir in the spirit unbeknownst to the person. I will not take half was days anymore...these will be my last. I'll be back on this daily not because it's an assignment but because I must.

 

The consequences of giving 50% is immeasurable. Last night I experienced this reality first hand. For the first time in 98 days...I went into the rationale phase of what is and what isn't. I thought...porn is an escape when in reality is isn't an escape. My sense of understanding went from me. Ironically enough, I also went without prayer the entire day. The minute I go away from the spirit is the minute sin comes to sink my ship and I am only one Captain on this ship.

Last night I went towards that dark place that I am all too familiar with. It was a disappointment to be that tempted and swooned by the old images on my social medias. I ended up having to remove instagram. If not for the midnight meeting I attended I would have been entirely f*****. Taking days off in recovery doesn't work man. Let it be known...if you take days off you will find your "reward" and it will be deserved.

As a result of my sexual fantasies last night, I had some very graphic dreams. My mind stained by the constant sexual excitement. It is also worthwhile to note that I did not live in direct alignment with my purpose and monthly goals prior to the relapse cycle being triggered within me. I am lucky to have overcame the moment and I thank my higher power for turning on the recovery switch within me. I'm back on my purpose and I will not abandon.

I think what triggered it mostly was the contemplation that I had to go back to work (turns out I am still on PTO). Had I relapsed it would have been for no reason. My addict was working overtime to get me to relapse on a false ideal. I am letting another opportunity escape me because I don't want to be in my current industry anymore. My uncertanties are fuel for my addict to use against me. Furthermore, I noticed my resentment towards women I have approached in the month and ghosted me. All of these events coalesced to create the bitter, angry, and horny spirit which overridden all sense of spiritual inhibition. I learned my lesson.

Back to doing.

P.S I might be let go from my job tomorrow but who knows. In any case- it's in God's hands. I will build my skill set up to a point where I can pick my value.

 

I quit my job that wasn't bringing my life any real hippieness or enjoyment. If I don't find out what I'd like to do before 30 than I say screw it....and go back to my miserable high paying profession but until now I choose recovery. I made this decision after I relapsed after 100 days of recovery. Even now I do not want to post this. I feel like a liar, hypocrite, deceiver, my mind does not feel at peace. I should not have edged the day before my relapse. I now know that edging isn't optional and it goes hand in hand with sobriety; I cant just hope to neglect it altogether. Also I have found my reward....in my moment of trial and despair I did not reach out to my higher power. I cursed, and cursed, and cursed aloud hoping that would fix it altogether but it did not....I'll reset my counter and own up to my mistake. I'll humble myself and actually work recovery now that I do not have a job to burden me. I will once again kill off the old habits that do not bring me any real fulfillment and go back to the basics. I don't know if God believes in me at this point or if that's how it even works but I have to try. I must do something.

Day 0 started a 12pm EST.

 

The pain of a relapse is overbearing at times...but I am confident I will return greater than I was in the 100 days which I managed to accumulate. July seems so far away but it is possible....I believe it can happen for me. I am having some anxieties concerning my future since my resigning. My father harbors a silent disappointment against me and I- myself. I am struggle to come to the acceptance that I left because it wasn't conducive for my life. I feel like I left just to quit something that would wound my ego. I probably should have given it some time to think over...or perhaps the impulse was governed by a power greater than my own. I feel uneasy in this uncertain future that lies ahead but I am not fearful. There is a great question that jumps to the forefront of my mind and that is, how. My addict thoughts are probably augmenting this worry a hundred fold and so I should aim not to edge in the next 90 days and so on. I will make abstaining from edging my goal. I will work on myself...and I will improve each and every day after this week. I will spend this week contemplating what direction my life must go in. When there is a why there is a way. I will repeat the same steps of affirmations, prayer, fellowship meetings, journaling, and watching my thoughts just as I have kept supervision over my thoughts. I will not permit lustful thoughts to enter in and if by some error they do, I will return to God almighty and beg for mercy and help.

Listening to spiritual music is calming me towards the midnight.

Resetting the counter.

 

Each time I think of it my mind is tried. Had to reset the edging and noFap counter. Feeling strange...and out of place. Feels like I am having one of those notorious episodes from way back. My fire is still there....it isn't blown out but it is blown in a direction that is both uncertain and unfavorable.

 

Fk this I'm going in with the cutlass. Now I hold myself to the fire...I don't have to do it alone. Back to my higher power...back to where it all needs to start and end. I'm taking up the cutlass...

 

Now my face is there. There is no turning back..what will I do now? Will I run and hide or will I stand in fight. This is necessary, no- this is the only way.

 

Up...but will sleep soon. Random thought: When I am in the early state of sobriety how easy it is to forget what I promised during the day...and the promises I made to myself. Now I find myself forgetting my prayers and they're quickly replaced by the thought of relapse. Well...all is not lost. I have here and other places to turn to when I feel down.

Listened to a fellows first step tonight. Felt good to just listen and hear his truth.

Also realizing that I'll have to wait 10 days to catch up to my Day 10 update because I relapsed. Tragic but this is the price for giving 50%...hopefully now that I shined a public light on myself I can exit this senseless cycle of acting out. Being at peace with myself...is what I need. The temporary pleasures can be easily replaced and will inevitably fade to dust.