Relearning Human: From cub to lion

Here in a cafe. Had to get out of the acting out environment and place myself in a clean and familiar one. There is this sense of relief now that I am here but also this expectancy-- like something great is going or supposed to happen. Some things that I will do here will be...

* Working on my purpose
*Finish listening to this audio book
*Plan for tomorrow
*Enjoy the atmosphere
*Avoid edging.

 

When the mind becomes strained. Double your efforts.

Double meetings, double prayer, double discipline. If that fails begin tripling your efforts. Fear is not to be found within my heart tonight. This addiction is akin to dancing with an 800 pound gorilla.

 

When the mind is under siege...raise your barracks...gather your men. Strengthen your forces...
I tell myself this but it does not change the fact that war is misery.
Continuing the good fight.

 

There is great concern...for a man who possesses a disturbed spirit. He can do anything to injure himself and others both intentionally and unintentionally.

Past couple of days have been rough. The thought of going back on my word...haunted me these past couple of days but I could not help it. I could not savor the fact that I would have fell for nearly the 1,000th time. The thought of hell coming back two fold...bothered me. I used to think...what if someone knew what I really was? It doesn't matter...like all things they will eventually fade to grey but the disease often conveys otherwise. Enough ranting...though.

Realizing how easily enraged I can become in my early stages of sobriety. I must work on that...I can't be easily moved by trivial things. In the future, this will be to my detriment if I allow this quality to persist.

Things that I will do to further myself along the purpose driven path:
1. Read The Art of War
2. Work on business planning
3. Do something uncomfortable...something that sucks.
4.Improve a skill which can be monetized
5. Plan for tomorrow
6. Work on recovery steps.

 

Two books to read....The Art of War & The Tao Te Ching.

"1,000 battles.... a 1,000 victories"
"Problems cannot be solved with the same level of consciousness that they were created in"

Today begins the 3rd week of chasing the purpose. The responsibility is on me. There is no mercy....nor understanding. The world wants results but more importantly...I want results.
Before this can happen I must be deeply invested in recovery... discipline. I must discipline myself in the way...and flow. The next thirty days I will not resist but accept my flesh and turn to the almighty for my maintenance. I will do what is necessary and avoid what is wanted.

"men are disturbed not by their thoughts but the shape which they take"

1. Be silent
2. Be patient
3. Be centered in resistance
4. Be tactical
5. Be disciplined

 

I had to reset. I won't count any days of sobriety until I can tame this desire to not edge. Edging includes "surveying women in a lustful capacity", cruising around known acting out places, cursing with the intent of "accidentally seeing" a qualifier. Before the recovery comes the edging and if I have any decency I won't lie to myself any longer and say that it isn't a problem. So therefore, I relapsed last night.

The less days of sobriety I have the less I have a desire to do the right thing. It's not coincidence really. The less days I have the more I forget about the spiritual songs, the prayers, the people supporting me, the visions I want to turn into gold. This thing takes away more than one can ever imagine. It is the thing that keeps taking even when there is nothing else to take. No other evil does this. A killer takes a life but a number of times, a thief robs a store but a number of times, but sex and porn addiction robs a man infinite times. It makes him think he is in constant need of something to satiate his spirit, but it never once satiates his spirit. Only the almighty can do that.

As I pray I pray to God for wisdom, strength, and guidance but it does not come. Sometimes I wonder if God is listening and perhaps he's gotten tired of my nonsense babbling at night and put me on do not disturb. Well...going back and forth in wonder won't do me much good I believe. I never would have thought...I'd fight a civil war this long though. I am getting tired of fighting. What's worse is that no one can know why I am tired...and why I have lost my roar. Feels like I've returned to the sniveling days. I know better...I'm not there but I am wounded severely wounded right now. Time to patch the wound.

 

This thing is the beast manifested within the spirit.

 

Still going .. nothing aiming to stop me.

 

Resetting. I watched pornography last night and I have to fess up to that. Living in dishonesty isn't going to cut it. Damn. To be back in this addiction while unemployed is a bit painful. I find myself adopting this carefree attitude...like I don't have anything worth to give. I quickly push the thought out that I won't have to be like this for the rest of my life but sometimes I let it stay a lot longer than necessary. It's sad how addiction in general makes you disconnected from life. The short lived mechanical twitch..that comes with the artificiality of porn. Damn this industry...and it's callous spirit to humanity but perhaps damn me for participating? What came first the chicken or the egg kind of predicament.

When your addicted...it makes it hard for you to keep your word. You don't mind disappointing people because hell what are they to you anyway in comparison to porn. It's all a lie...they are worth so much more than this shit bu the disease has painted it differently. Drug addiction was hard, alcohol was hard, but this is absolute hell. Well they say when you're facing hell that you should keep on going...why stop.

Being out with a friend in recovery who now has substantial sobriety on Saturday night has made it quite apparent how much I haven't lived. How much of a lie I have lived. This bold and dangerous lie...that kills faster than any thing else. The city that I am home to I barely know because my addict only drives me around places he wants me to see. I know all the bars but I can't remember which part of the city they're in...only he knows that. Some would regard this as a bad case of split personality. I would say give me split- let me try it out and get back to you.

I might've had 102 days of noFap sobriety but looking back it means nothing. What did I really accomplish? My aims were subconsciously set on not being this form that I used to be...but what's apparent is that was the physical pursuit (not having PED, sleeping with girls, being this bonafide playboy). I may have made some transformation from cub to a more mature form but I did not work to mature emotionally. My heart and eyes where still set on sex and pornography. When I feel tempted and the urges surface did I ever once pray? Did I ever once reach out to my members in the brotherhood? No...I stayed to myself and hoped my ego could resolve it.

Realizing that I am the most unfavorable person to be around is a real red pill to swallow. Sometimes I'm liked but I can't say that I have any friends who generally enjoy being around me. Nor do they make an effort to extend an invitation. The ones who do are friends who practice the old way. I don't hope to change them since I know this is a wasted effort. I don't have any lion friends that I run with...everything just feels empty and lonely. Sometimes it best to hunt alone but more often that not there is comfort and love in hunting together. Striving towards the same goal. There are goals I will set by the end of this month and they are:

Me Goals:

1. Establish Fitness TM
2. Publish my first published project
3. Make strength gains to my bench, squat, overhead press
4. Go without masturbating, edging, fantasy, pornography, toxic women
5. Look into modeling opportunity
6. Look into improv


Social Goals
1. New lion friends look for HENRYs
2. Engage with people with a business mindset
3. Gain a mentor
4. Listen more, talk less


Book Goals:
* = Priority
48 LOP + Notes
Our Meditations
Sun Try AoW
Art of Seduction
****Meditations****
****Any stoic readings**

 

Feels good to roar again. Have to be careful for today.

 

"True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not." -Seneca

A realization.

The time to live young and foolish is soon to expire. All men are credited and worth something for living and producing in the present. That's all that matters. Immersing myself back in recovery...calling fellows. Stop sitting in the toxic waste which I've produced. Owning my situation and not blaming it on anything else. Produce results....produce the present.

 

Things don't always go our way. Life is a roller coaster of uncertainties but what matters the most is not how many arise but how we respond to them. As I continue on the path towards earnest recovery and maintain this discipline of self through my higher power I run into these uncertainties instead of away.

Have been dealing with some urges...I want last night to be the last time I succumb in such a way. Unfortunately a fresh relapse always opens up the department of explicit recall. Praying helps but it is not the only thing that will keep me sober. There has to be my willingness as well to maintain this momentum.

Have been thinking about sex a lot more than I would like. As the summer approaches...clothes start to come off. The gym is turning into a big mixing pot for resentments.
Saw those two girls that had interest but lost interest. I think back to that situation and I ask why sometimes...but then I realized being a sex crazed maniac probably has something to do with it. Not something I disclosed but I am sure they picked up on it.

Anyways...time to move on into manhood. These relapses at random are starting to weight me down...and it's so obvious why they happen. Running on artificial faith is like running on alternative car fuel- it won't last.

 

A question I began to ponder that finally put me back on the trail of recovery.

Why?

Why sobriety? Why should I get sober? Why do I believe that this should happen for me? At my grown age I still have trivial and elementary reasons for wanting to never watch pornography for the rest of my life. The first answer was so that I could get better at having sex with women. Surely my new noFap p**** would allow me to explore the unknown depths of a women and naturally I mean her ovaries. Actually it was so I would finally be able to exit outside of the shell that encases me and consequentially leaves me yearning for authentic and meaningful relationships. Oh- did I mention I want to have sex more efficiently?

At the heart of my problem is a superficiality combined with the esoteric arrogance that I should be connected to God almighty by swearing off pornography alone. Fine, imagine the scenario, You've managed to subdue your lust only for a time being but what about your rage? How about the impulsivity as it surrounds other decisions such as that with money? How can we learn to truly love another?

I was talking with a fellow today and we went back and forth about what recovery meant and what edging meant. Ultimately we agreed to disagree but at the spire of the conversation was the question which remains unanswered for both of us, "Why do we truly want this" Why does it matter to have serenity and be close to God? Why does any human do what he/she does? This week will be best spent sober while also contemplating the rationality as to why I must be sober.

Why must I become the Lion which never sleeps? Why should I bite the head off of the evil twin which resides within me.

 

I was so convinced I wouldn't see a good day since my relapse. It's a lie...and dangerous and foolish lie. There is nothing that the mind cannot overcome which it is able to conceive.

Went to the gym today and lifted some heavy ass weight. The deadlift felt absolutely amazing. The boost to testosterone is just amazing. I can feel the energy surging through my body it's disgusting lol. Combined with the temporary boost from noFap abstinence I'm on some other shit right now it seems.

Well these feelings never stay. So this time I consider the pending storm that eventually will come. How can I prepare for it? When it comes how can I weather the storm? Jot these things down...

Self-esteem is at an all time. I'm not so bothered today and I am noticing that I'm getting this quiet demeanor about myself.

When interacting with some people I tend to have anxious thoughts; they come on a case by case bias. I hate the irrational anxieties but I can do something about it.

Have to return to prayer. Will return to prayer.

Getting better at edging but still kind of partially edging. I'll work on that.

 

Up early but really it's because I couldn't sleep. This sickness has been kicking my ass...not sure what it is but trying to not let anxieties rule my mood. That's small minded...I will deal with it as it arises.

EDIT: Nightfall

Feel pretty good about this day. Accomplished all I needed to. I was reading another fellows journal and in it he mentions how his father takes action. There is no barrier. After reading it I first meditated on how reflective he is for his age and then immediately thought about how I could apply this principle to my own life. Today I woke up tired and angry at my chronic cough keeping me up and not allowing my body sleep. I sat there thinking, "Why me! Why does this have to happen to a guy like me God!?" Then I am reminded by the great Les Brown in one of his motivational speeches, "Who would you have it be!" I immediately noticed how selfish and bitter I was becoming and jumped out of my bed. Headed downstairs to start the day at 4AM despite it being against my bodily will. Well perhaps it wa the best thing that I did because it forced me into taking action immediately. I could have watched some pointless Youtube videos but instead I decided to pump myself with a Googin's clip and dive right into my primary business. This set the tone for my day.

What does this mean? Every thing starts small...with one thought. With one pivot in my thought I decided not to go down the route of wallowing and self-debilitating behavior. Considerably at my worst, I decided I am either going fold every time an adversity comes around (which they will that's why it's called life) or override the subconscious defeatist attitude.

I went to the gym and crushed cardio and an ab-workout even after telling myself that a sick man shouldn't be working out at this moment. True, but the invitation to pivot from this thought was just too tempting and I went anyway.

Moral of the story to reflect on for the future: A negative thought doesn't stay it can be easily turned over by taking action in the direction that grants satisfaction.

 

Back and I'm better.

Feeling pretty good about today. Got a lot done...two big videos which I woke up and had vision to do and I GOT IT done. It feels good to take action over something that was manifested in the mind. One particular video I addressed that the only mental barricade that exist within the mind that is of significance and consideration is the enemy having any power over my life. I sat on this thought for a bit before I went out and carried a heavy sandbag across my back for 2.2 miles in the hot soon. My body screamed and ached in pain but I refused to give up. What is more important is to do the thing that the enemy within doesn't want to do. That is and always be taking action over adversity.

Parents got into a fight and in turn it stirred up a resentment that I have towards one of them. I will commit them and my resentments- both current and past to prayer tonight.

Still sick...hoping to feel better by the end of this weekend.

Looking forward to enjoying a sober weekend and taking more action.

 

Thankful to be sober...

Rest In Peace Gary Wilson. Your Brain On Porn (as controversial as some people regard the book) will forever remain a staple in my recovery toolkit against this addiction.

I am feeling at peace finally. Being able to connect with my higher power and escape the anxieties of a day has proved to be a necessary commodity in this fight against pornography addiction. I have moved into the realm of Stoicism and resilience not by my own authority but by that of my higher power and it feels pretty amazing. I am noticing that aura of confidence and belief come back to me...something that cannot be faked. Silence is starting to feel good and I would even argue that it is necessary for a continued peace.

In this month I have thought of some things. A friend who I regarded as my "best" or closest, death, 5 years from now, spiritual wellness, and love. To first think about these things in a deep capacity...I had to enter this state of no mind..having no real concerns for what earthly me would say. I also had to surrender my pride and ego and condemn it at each chance it tried to rear it's ugly naked head.

Some simple truths I have learned from letting the thoughts of the creator/universe flow to me in meditation and even now:
1. My "best friend" stopped being my best friend after high school. There was only the immaturity and bliss of youth which bound us
2. Death comes for all of us, but we should have lived our lives so well that it trembles to take us. I think Bukowski said something like that
3. Spiritual wellness is the supreme priority. Without it....a man is both disconnected from the world and his fellow humans.
4. It is good to give love than receive love, just as it is good to give gift than it is to receive. However, the recipient will always harbor deep appreciation when what is given is something of substance
5. No one is coming
6. A dream is yours and no one else's...it is up to you to give it life.
7. The physical surface is no where close to of important as the spiritual surface
8. Silence is needed for a great thing to happen within a man
9. A life voyaged alone is exile
10. Teachings from the wise(ancient stoicism, Chinese proverbs, African proverbs) exist for a reasoning

I am starting to see my mind take a shape....I pray to God to maintain it and to chase wisdom and not tomfoolery.

I am going to resume writing my collections today.